Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Friend has invited herself to our honeymoon
129

JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 01:33

*namechanged

Some tactful advice needed please!
Husband to be and I have several kids between us in our blended family. Instead of doing a honeymoon with just us, we are taking all the kids away with us for a week on a road trip. My best friend of thirty years (Friend 1) is coming too as she has kids the same age who are really close to mine and our kids all love each other. We were looking forward to chilling out in the evenings to gather whilst the kids played harmoniously.

Friend 2 has just said when I was telling her about the plans that because the place we are visiting is one of her favourite places, she wants to come. She's a high drama person, very controlling and this isn't what I want. Problem is she said it in front of the kids who got excited about her coming so they have been chatting away all week now about the plans.

I need to manage this and do some damage control. She's saying she would pay for herself etc so it's not the money thing. Friend 2 doesn't have kids, and has mental health issues that can be quite overwhelming to manage. She's had a horrible year but she's really hard work and does need managing.
She also doesn't know Friend 1.

It's my own fault but I was so taken aback by her saying she wanted to come along in front of the kids that I agreed in shock, now I'm just thinking this is going to be a nightmare! How best to tactfully manage it without sending Friend 2 into a misery spiral.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

ColoradoMom86 · 12/04/2022 16:05

Were you able to say something to her? We are all dying to know how it ended up!!!

Please
or
to access all these features

MoonRoseofThorns · 11/04/2022 22:19

Tell her it's just not going to work out for her to come on this trip. Period. If possible, immediately follow by setting plans /reservations with her saying you know she's had a rough go and you have medical issues on the horizon..both of you could use a holiday before/after your medicals....

Please
or
to access all these features

sweetbellyhigh · 11/04/2022 15:58

@Dinoteeth

Just tell her straight up that you are sorry but you are got carried away and you have to withdraw the invitation

How would withdraw the invite when Op never actually invited F2 in the first place?



Erm by agreeing ? 🙄
Please
or
to access all these features

Dinoteeth · 11/04/2022 15:43

Just tell her straight up that you are sorry but you are got carried away and you have to withdraw the invitation

How would withdraw the invite when Op never actually invited F2 in the first place?

Please
or
to access all these features

sweetbellyhigh · 11/04/2022 15:39

All these suggested messages are cringey.

You need to own this. The whole point is that you got yourself into this mess because you struggle to say what you mean, don't make it worse by sending this excuses.

Just tell her straight up that you are sorry but you are got carried away and you have to withdraw the invitation.

You don't owe any explanation and if she struggles with that, deal with it as it unfolds. She may surprise you and say she has rethought it too.

Blaming your other friend or your husband or doing anything other than being truthful is so spineless and unfair to everyone else.

Please
or
to access all these features

custardbear · 11/04/2022 12:29

Good luck OP!

Please
or
to access all these features

Monr0e · 11/04/2022 11:56

Good luck sorting it all out. I know everyone is saying don't blame friend 1, and I agree, but do you actually think she would still want to come if friend 2 was going? You mention her being very shy, as a shy person myself, if I had arranged to go on holiday with a much loved friend and they suddenly told me someone else I didn't know was also coming I would actually back out. And tell you to go with them this time and rearrange our trip when it could be just us. So although you shouldn't blame her, as others have said, you can't just have another adult attend someone else's holiday without them agreeing to it too. Which she quite likely wouldn't do. As much as this is your honeymoon, this is also her holiday and she should get a say.

Please
or
to access all these features

Crikeyalmighty · 11/04/2022 11:36

I would blame your DH to be and say he did mention that it was meant to be your honeymoon and that friend 1 works because it gives the kids some other kids to play with and immediately arrange to see her on her own .

Please
or
to access all these features

milkyaqua · 11/04/2022 11:00

Oh good luck, JudyPludy. Don't be down on yourself for not leaping out with a ready no way! in the moment. Boundaries are so hard, and some people have a knack for getting under and through the most obvious social walls. It is your honeymoon holiday, and I hope you have the fun and rest you need. And if the conversation doesn't go as easily as it might, then don't give yourself a hard time about that either. Just stick to your script and your end goal of not adding an extra element/her! to your lovely plans.

Please
or
to access all these features

JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 10:48

@Octomore

We would absolutely love a holiday with you another time though. Can we make plans to do something together in (name month&year)?

Just a word of caution - only include this bit if you actually mean it, and want to holiday with her.

If you don't (or even if you're unsure), there's no need to include it. You're not obligated to offer a runner-up prize because she's not invited on this holiday.

True true - I'll think about that bit before saying it! This is why even though there's a few meanies on MN, it's actually brilliant to be able to problem solve some of life's shitty nuances.
OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Octomore · 11/04/2022 10:44

We would absolutely love a holiday with you another time though. Can we make plans to do something together in (name month&year)?

Just a word of caution - only include this bit if you actually mean it, and want to holiday with her.

If you don't (or even if you're unsure), there's no need to include it. You're not obligated to offer a runner-up prize because she's not invited on this holiday.

Please
or
to access all these features

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 10:41

Actually, that is perfect.

Respects her and your plans.

Please
or
to access all these features

JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 10:29

@BuanoKubiamVej

"We love spending time with you and you know the kids love you to bits so when you suggested joining us for the holiday I only thought of the positives and said yes pretty much on autopilot. But thinking about it properly, it's not actually a good idea, there's various things that won't work well and too many of our plans would have to change. We would absolutely love a holiday with you another time though. Can we make plans to do something together in (name month&year)?"

This is perfect actually. Thank you!
OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

BuanoKubiamVej · 11/04/2022 10:22

"We love spending time with you and you know the kids love you to bits so when you suggested joining us for the holiday I only thought of the positives and said yes pretty much on autopilot. But thinking about it properly, it's not actually a good idea, there's various things that won't work well and too many of our plans would have to change. We would absolutely love a holiday with you another time though. Can we make plans to do something together in (name month&year)?"

Please
or
to access all these features

JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 10:14

Thank you everyone for your support and tactful suggestions - I'll be telling her today - FIRMLY - no.

I'm asking for this post to be removed now so that I can draw a line under it in my Mumsnet as well as my head. Thanks especially to @GreyCarpet x

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

saraclara · 11/04/2022 10:12

Simply say that you shouldn't have said yes without consulting the other adults involved, and now that you've thought about it, it's really not going to be a practical proposition.

Please
or
to access all these features

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 10:04

JudyPludy

Your boundaries are bound to take a bit of a battering in the circumstances.

Take care of yourself and don't be bulldozed by other people. You're allowed to set your own expectations for your own life.

Please
or
to access all these features

Octomore · 11/04/2022 10:03

This should be really straightforward. Just say "This is our honeymoon, so this holiday is intended to be our family only."

You don't need to tell her the destination even, just keep schtum regarding the whole thing and leave it at that.

She's not invited, no need to share any further info with her, or be 'tactful' about it. You don't need an excuse to not invite someone on holiday.

Please
or
to access all these features

JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 09:59

Thank you for sharing that @GreyCarpet, it feels very relatable.

Definitely a wake up call for me. Because I've also got some ops scheduled I've been really fragile and boundaries have felt paper thin.
Whilst it's been a bit shit this has happened it's probably better that I work on strengthening myself now as (as a separate issue) I have other work related issues (and people) that have felt similarly difficult to bat away.

Pre lockdowns, pre bereavement, pre illness I had so much confidence :(

I need to take this as a signal to strengthen myself again.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

icanonlydosomuch · 11/04/2022 09:58

@TheBigDilemma

Sorry but it is not fair to pass the blame to friend 1, OP you need to grow a spine, own up and say that it doesn’t work for you. You don’t pass the blame on people who cannot defend themselves and who have not expressed any view yet on inviting another person to your after marriage holiday.


This x100
Please
or
to access all these features

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 11/04/2022 09:47

@INeedNewShoes

I’d say something like

Sorry, Friend2. I got caught up in the kids’ excitement when you invited yourself on our honeymoon. Now I’ve had a chance to think about it, it doesn’t work for us for you to join us.

I think you need to stop feeling sheepish as though you’re revoking an invitation. You never invited her and she has created this whole situation by inviting herself which she shouldn’t have done.

Exactly this. She's a CF to have invited herself in the first place.
Please
or
to access all these features

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 09:44

Out of interest, how did you resolve your situation?

It got very nasty and didn't end well. Our reasons were similar to yours in some respects. But other people got involved unnecessarily and that was the crux of it. We didn't share our reasons but the person concerned had put herself in danger on previous holidays and that had impacted negatively on everyone.

I don't regret it though and would do it again. It was other people sticking their oar (and them expecting others to share their people pleasing poor boundaries) in that was the problem. Not the original decision.

That's why I say I would be clear and direct but without apportioning blame elsewhere.

I have very little tolerance for people pleasing and poor boundaries nowadays. My life is better for it and I only have good people in my life.

Realising that people are responsible for managing their own emotions was a huge turning point.

You're allowed to go on holiday with whoever you like Flowers

Please
or
to access all these features

JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 09:38

@DarkShade "Think about it this way - you want this honeymoon to go well! Part of what you're doing is making sure the children feel included, that the marriage is about family first, which includes them. If you're stressed about friend 2 and having to accommodate her, you might all end up stressed and compromising. Not the message you are trying to send, not the special celebration of your love and family you want."

This is it exactly.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Saltyquiche · 11/04/2022 09:35

I’d tell her you’d rather go somewhere with just herself and yourself another time as the honeymoon party is big enough as it is and you don't want it to get bigger and bigger

Please
or
to access all these features

Mollymoostoo · 11/04/2022 09:34

@JudyPludy

I know I agreed - it came out of the blue and she said it in front of the youngest kids so they immediately started jumping up and down in excitement as they love her. I was just in shock that anyone let alone her would just take it upon themselves to invite themselves along! I said "Oh that would be nice." And then felt horrible. I've been quite depressed myself recently so I was caught off guard and feeling quite vulnerable :(

Blame DH. Say he only agreed to friend 1 for childcare and now he is planning to call the whole thing off as he won't get any alone time.
Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.