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Friend has invited herself to our honeymoon
129

JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 01:33

*namechanged

Some tactful advice needed please!
Husband to be and I have several kids between us in our blended family. Instead of doing a honeymoon with just us, we are taking all the kids away with us for a week on a road trip. My best friend of thirty years (Friend 1) is coming too as she has kids the same age who are really close to mine and our kids all love each other. We were looking forward to chilling out in the evenings to gather whilst the kids played harmoniously.

Friend 2 has just said when I was telling her about the plans that because the place we are visiting is one of her favourite places, she wants to come. She's a high drama person, very controlling and this isn't what I want. Problem is she said it in front of the kids who got excited about her coming so they have been chatting away all week now about the plans.

I need to manage this and do some damage control. She's saying she would pay for herself etc so it's not the money thing. Friend 2 doesn't have kids, and has mental health issues that can be quite overwhelming to manage. She's had a horrible year but she's really hard work and does need managing.
She also doesn't know Friend 1.

It's my own fault but I was so taken aback by her saying she wanted to come along in front of the kids that I agreed in shock, now I'm just thinking this is going to be a nightmare! How best to tactfully manage it without sending Friend 2 into a misery spiral.

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godmum56 · 11/04/2022 08:35

@Candleabra

I also wouldn’t blame friend 1. It’s you who invited friend 2.
Just say you were caught on the hop, and have reflected and it won’t work. I get the impression she’s used to getting her own way? (And anyone with an sensitivity at all would have more sense than to invite themselves on a honeymoon).
You may have to accept she won’t be happy - but that’s not your fault.

yup, this. And @JudyPludy here's a big saying no handhold.
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maddy68 · 11/04/2022 08:36

I would blame your husband.
Say he wasn't happy that 1 friend was coming on your honeymoon as he didn't want to be inundated with children. And now you have agreed another friend can come as well

Explain you need to be considerate towards your husband as it's his honeymoon too

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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 08:37

Re DH to be, he's good friends with Friend 1's hubby. He's also thrilled that we are including his kids in the honeymoon as because they have some disabilities they often get excluded from things in their normal everyday life. We've always done everything as a family since we met (we actually met in a playground and the kids became friends and introduced us. They are all instrumental to our relationship.)

It's not easy for us - the blending has had its ups and downs as all of the kids we have are on the spectrum. But we do it as a family or not at all and he's good humoured enough to go with the flow of whatever I decide. That's why I want to marry him! X

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rookiemere · 11/04/2022 08:38

OP you need to take the hit now, not defer it until later when it may be harder.
Personally I'd try not to give huge explanations but you could say that on reflection the trip is only going to work in its original format.
Otherwise all she'll hear is Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah - come with us - Blah Blah

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GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 08:39

Blame the husband, blame F1, blame the OP...

The only person who is to blame in any of this is the rude person who invited themselves along.

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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 08:40

@maddy68

I would blame your husband.
Say he wasn't happy that 1 friend was coming on your honeymoon as he didn't want to be inundated with children. And now you have agreed another friend can come as well

Explain you need to be considerate towards your husband as it's his honeymoon too

I just said this to him and he said "Blame me! Tell her I snore and I'm a grumpy bastard and I'll back you up!"
😂😂😂😂
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GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 08:41

@JudyPludy

Re DH to be, he's good friends with Friend 1's hubby. He's also thrilled that we are including his kids in the honeymoon as because they have some disabilities they often get excluded from things in their normal everyday life. We've always done everything as a family since we met (we actually met in a playground and the kids became friends and introduced us. They are all instrumental to our relationship.)

It's not easy for us - the blending has had its ups and downs as all of the kids we have are on the spectrum. But we do it as a family or not at all and he's good humoured enough to go with the flow of whatever I decide. That's why I want to marry him! X

You and your blended family sound pretty amazing tbh.
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GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 08:44

More I read of this, the more I'm inclined to think you explain you said it would be nice because, in theory, it could be and you were taken aback by the suggestion/request. But that you want to stick to the original plans. No blame, no excuses.

You made those plans because they work best for you.

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violetbunny · 11/04/2022 08:47

I would say to her that it changes the dynamic of the holiday, which is not what you'd had in mind for your honeymoon nor is it what you'd agreed with Friend 1. So it doesn't work for you for her to invite herself this time around, but perhaps you could plan a different trip together in the future.

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7eleven · 11/04/2022 08:48

You could suggest going there just with her another time. A girly weekend together perhaps? That would soften it

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thegreylady · 11/04/2022 08:49

Suggest she comes on a short break with you and the kids either before or after the ‘honeymoon’ holiday. Just explain you hadn’t thought it through properly when she suggested it but you would love her to come away with you separately from Friend1 who is very shy with strangers.

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GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 08:53

@thegreylady

Suggest she comes on a short break with you and the kids either before or after the ‘honeymoon’ holiday. Just explain you hadn’t thought it through properly when she suggested it but you would love her to come away with you separately from Friend1 who is very shy with strangers.

Why? Do you normally make such accommodations for rude people?

I know I'm posting a lot on this but I have similar experience with a Friend 2 type person. It wasn't handled well by people who had fuck all to do with the holiday but involved themselves and ended very nastily. I'm just baffled that adults can be so presumptuous and ridiculous when it comes to other people's holidays! And pandering to it makes it a hell of a lot worse.
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Dinoteeth · 11/04/2022 08:56

Op is it Friend 1 & hubby, or just Friend 1?
I'm assuming F1 is a woman.

That changes the dynamics again two couples and kids or two couples and kids and hanger-on.

I was thinking DH was probably just OK with him and two womens, but would feel completely out numbered if it was him and three women

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rookiemere · 11/04/2022 09:01

I like @violetbunny wording about changing the dynamics of the holiday.
Honestly do it today OP, you can now say you've discussed it with DH and he wants to keep the holiday as it is as that's what works well for both families.

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GreenClock · 11/04/2022 09:08

Congrats on your engagement!

I wouldn’t blame F1. If they ever meet in future (at the hen party or the wedding for example), F2 is likely to be a bit offhand with her and she won’t understand why.

I honestly think you need to take ownership and admit that you erroneously said yes when caught off-guard, swept along by your kids’ enthusiasm.

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Goldbar · 11/04/2022 09:10

Wow, your family sound lovely and amazing but it sounds like you're going to have your hands absolutely full to the max Smile! So no time whatsoever for friend 2. In fact, it sounds as if friend 2 coming would actually be harmful to your friendship with her given that you've said the friendship requires 'managing' and you're just not going to be in a place with all the kids where you can do that.

I would take your DH to be up on his kind offer and blame him. Say 'Sorry friend 2, I've chatted to DH and he's concerned that the trip is already going to be chaos and one more person is going to be a step too far. I think he's probably right and it will be much nicer to catch up ourselves when we're back without all the noise and chaos of multiple kids plaguing us.'

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Dinoteeth · 11/04/2022 09:16

@GreenClock that is a good point about blame affecting both friends should they meet in the future.

I'd say something about the dynamics. Too many people etc.

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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 09:18

@GreyCarpet I appreciate yours (and everyone's thoughts) it's a situation that suddenly got out of hand as can sometimes happen and it's actually useful to sound it out and see the pitfalls. I agree with @Mosaic123 and others that I shouldn't mention her tagging along in any capacity as I think she will try and steer it so I end up doing things I don't want to do.

Also from my own reflective point of view, I think because I'm a bit vulnerable at the moment due to being unwell, I need to be aware that my own boundaries are very fragile. I'm also vulnerable from a recent traumatic bereavement (a suicide in the family) to being maybe more careful around other people than I need to be. It's a wake-up call that my boundaries have slipped and I need to do things to strengthen myself aside from this situation. This is the symptom of something bigger which is grief I think and that it's ok to say no to people even if they don't like it. I have to not tiptoe around people thinking they can't handle their own lives. That's really hard to come to terms with when you feel responsible for so many things as a mother and a woman.

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GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 09:18

I would take your DH to be up on his kind offer and blame him. Say 'Sorry friend 2, I've chatted to DH and he's concerned that the trip is already going to be chaos and one more person is going to be a step too far. I think he's probably right and it will be much nicer to catch up ourselves when we're back without all the noise and chaos of multiple kids plaguing us.'

The difficulty with this is that it opens a dialogue- that's ok; I don't mind; I love your kids; I can help... all of which makes it harder to deal with until the inevitable, "Look we just don't want you there!" type response comes out.

This is exactly the sort of scenario where a "no is a complete sentence" type response applies.

You done need to explain or justify any decision beyond the basics.

Blaming the husband or F1 could backfire at some point.

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GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 09:21

This is the symptom of something bigger which is grief I think and that it's ok to say no to people even if they don't like it. I have to not tiptoe around people thinking they can't handle their own lives. That's really hard to come to terms with when you feel responsible for so many things as a mother and a woman.

Yes. It's absolutely OK to say no to people even if they don't like it. And no you don't have to tiptoe around people either.

Their feelings are their own to manage and not your responsibility.

Flowers

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Allthestarsabovemyhead · 11/04/2022 09:21

Don’t give her any details. She won’t know what the arrangements are. Go in honey moon without her knowing

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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 09:22

@Goldbar

Wow, your family sound lovely and amazing but it sounds like you're going to have your hands absolutely full to the max Smile! So no time whatsoever for friend 2. In fact, it sounds as if friend 2 coming would actually be harmful to your friendship with her given that you've said the friendship requires 'managing' and you're just not going to be in a place with all the kids where you can do that.

I would take your DH to be up on his kind offer and blame him. Say 'Sorry friend 2, I've chatted to DH and he's concerned that the trip is already going to be chaos and one more person is going to be a step too far. I think he's probably right and it will be much nicer to catch up ourselves when we're back without all the noise and chaos of multiple kids plaguing us.'

I like this response and I'll do something along the lines of this without mentioning DH to be. I'll say deep breath "That is going to be chaotic enough with two families with two sets of kids going and so it's going to make sense to leave it this time (with Friend 2) and that we can do something just the two of us at some other point." That's going to have to be good enough isn't it. In the cold light of day mentioning chaos would normally stop most people in their tracks. (I hope!)
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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 09:25

@GreyCarpet

This is the symptom of something bigger which is grief I think and that it's ok to say no to people even if they don't like it. I have to not tiptoe around people thinking they can't handle their own lives. That's really hard to come to terms with when you feel responsible for so many things as a mother and a woman.

Yes. It's absolutely OK to say no to people even if they don't like it. And no you don't have to tiptoe around people either.

Their feelings are their own to manage and not your responsibility.

Flowers

"Their feelings are their own to manage and not your responsibility."

There's the rub isn't it @GreyCarpet that we often take on too much of other peoples energy, especially those of us who are already juggling multiple kids.

Out of interest, how did you resolve your situation?
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rookiemere · 11/04/2022 09:26

@JudyPludy mentioning chaos would be enough for a normal person to back out, but people who follow normal social boundaries tend not to unilaterally invite themselves on holiday.

Sp be prepared for her to probe and have a closing down response something like "It's just not going to work out. Sorry." But you may need to be blunt to get the message across.

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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 09:27

[quote rookiemere]@JudyPludy mentioning chaos would be enough for a normal person to back out, but people who follow normal social boundaries tend not to unilaterally invite themselves on holiday.

Sp be prepared for her to probe and have a closing down response something like "It's just not going to work out. Sorry." But you may need to be blunt to get the message across.[/quote]
"mentioning chaos would be enough for a normal person to back out, but people who follow normal social boundaries tend not to unilaterally invite themselves on holiday."

This is so horribly true GrinGrinGrin

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