*namechanged
Some tactful advice needed please!
Husband to be and I have several kids between us in our blended family. Instead of doing a honeymoon with just us, we are taking all the kids away with us for a week on a road trip. My best friend of thirty years (Friend 1) is coming too as she has kids the same age who are really close to mine and our kids all love each other. We were looking forward to chilling out in the evenings to gather whilst the kids played harmoniously.
Friend 2 has just said when I was telling her about the plans that because the place we are visiting is one of her favourite places, she wants to come. She's a high drama person, very controlling and this isn't what I want. Problem is she said it in front of the kids who got excited about her coming so they have been chatting away all week now about the plans.
I need to manage this and do some damage control. She's saying she would pay for herself etc so it's not the money thing. Friend 2 doesn't have kids, and has mental health issues that can be quite overwhelming to manage. She's had a horrible year but she's really hard work and does need managing.
She also doesn't know Friend 1.
It's my own fault but I was so taken aback by her saying she wanted to come along in front of the kids that I agreed in shock, now I'm just thinking this is going to be a nightmare! How best to tactfully manage it without sending Friend 2 into a misery spiral.
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Friend has invited herself to our honeymoon
JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 01:33
Wow, your family sound lovely and amazing but it sounds like you're going to have your hands absolutely full to the max 
! So no time whatsoever for friend 2. In fact, it sounds as if friend 2 coming would actually be harmful to your friendship with her given that you've said the friendship requires 'managing' and you're just not going to be in a place with all the kids where you can do that.
I would take your DH to be up on his kind offer and blame him. Say 'Sorry friend 2, I've chatted to DH and he's concerned that the trip is already going to be chaos and one more person is going to be a step too far. I think he's probably right and it will be much nicer to catch up ourselves when we're back without all the noise and chaos of multiple kids plaguing us.'
This is the symptom of something bigger which is grief I think and that it's ok to say no to people even if they don't like it. I have to not tiptoe around people thinking they can't handle their own lives. That's really hard to come to terms with when you feel responsible for so many things as a mother and a woman.
Yes. It's absolutely OK to say no to people even if they don't like it. And no you don't have to tiptoe around people either.
Their feelings are their own to manage and not your responsibility.
@Goldbar
! So no time whatsoever for friend 2. In fact, it sounds as if friend 2 coming would actually be harmful to your friendship with her given that you've said the friendship requires 'managing' and you're just not going to be in a place with all the kids where you can do that.I would take your DH to be up on his kind offer and blame him. Say 'Sorry friend 2, I've chatted to DH and he's concerned that the trip is already going to be chaos and one more person is going to be a step too far. I think he's probably right and it will be much nicer to catch up ourselves when we're back without all the noise and chaos of multiple kids plaguing us.'
I like this response and I'll do something along the lines of this without mentioning DH to be. I'll say deep breath "That is going to be chaotic enough with two families with two sets of kids going and so it's going to make sense to leave it this time (with Friend 2) and that we can do something just the two of us at some other point." That's going to have to be good enough isn't it. In the cold light of day mentioning chaos would normally stop most people in their tracks. (I hope!)
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@GreyCarpet
Yes. It's absolutely OK to say no to people even if they don't like it. And no you don't have to tiptoe around people either.
Their feelings are their own to manage and not your responsibility.
"Their feelings are their own to manage and not your responsibility."
There's the rub isn't it @GreyCarpet that we often take on too much of other peoples energy, especially those of us who are already juggling multiple kids.
Out of interest, how did you resolve your situation?
[quote rookiemere]@JudyPludy mentioning chaos would be enough for a normal person to back out, but people who follow normal social boundaries tend not to unilaterally invite themselves on holiday.
Sp be prepared for her to probe and have a closing down response something like "It's just not going to work out. Sorry." But you may need to be blunt to get the message across.[/quote]
"mentioning chaos would be enough for a normal person to back out, but people who follow normal social boundaries tend not to unilaterally invite themselves on holiday."
This is so horribly true 
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