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Friend has invited herself to our honeymoon
129

JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 01:33

*namechanged

Some tactful advice needed please!
Husband to be and I have several kids between us in our blended family. Instead of doing a honeymoon with just us, we are taking all the kids away with us for a week on a road trip. My best friend of thirty years (Friend 1) is coming too as she has kids the same age who are really close to mine and our kids all love each other. We were looking forward to chilling out in the evenings to gather whilst the kids played harmoniously.

Friend 2 has just said when I was telling her about the plans that because the place we are visiting is one of her favourite places, she wants to come. She's a high drama person, very controlling and this isn't what I want. Problem is she said it in front of the kids who got excited about her coming so they have been chatting away all week now about the plans.

I need to manage this and do some damage control. She's saying she would pay for herself etc so it's not the money thing. Friend 2 doesn't have kids, and has mental health issues that can be quite overwhelming to manage. She's had a horrible year but she's really hard work and does need managing.
She also doesn't know Friend 1.

It's my own fault but I was so taken aback by her saying she wanted to come along in front of the kids that I agreed in shock, now I'm just thinking this is going to be a nightmare! How best to tactfully manage it without sending Friend 2 into a misery spiral.

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JoyLurking9to5 · 11/04/2022 07:23

Say "thank you, with two babysitters coming along, we might actually get out and have something like a normal holiday"

Do q sch3dule up who is volunteering to babysit on which nights. Have a clip board

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Walkingalot · 11/04/2022 07:29

The best bit is she's probably sat at home wondering why the hell she asked to go on holiday with 2 families and a whole bunch of kids! Lol. She was most likely caught up in the excitement of it all and wondering how to tactfully withdraw.

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TheBigDilemma · 11/04/2022 07:37

Sorry but it is not fair to pass the blame to friend 1, OP you need to grow a spine, own up and say that it doesn’t work for you. You don’t pass the blame on people who cannot defend themselves and who have not expressed any view yet on inviting another person to your after marriage holiday.

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HangingRock25 · 11/04/2022 07:42

Well you can't blame her, she didn't actually invite herself along to your honeymoon, because isn't a honeymoon is it? It's just a road with children, AND an additional friend. It's a joke calling it honeymoon. It's a family trip with a friend, so you can't blame her for thinking of it as just an ordinary trip. Why not have an actual honeymoon and leave the kids with friend number two to look after, and go on an actual honeymoon for the two of you? Since the kids get on with her? And take friend number one on a trip another time. How you'd get out of this, I don't know, but it's your own fault for calling a honeymoon a road trip, taking kids and a friend. No wonder she doesn't see it as a honeymoon at all, because you made it quite clear it is not remotely a honeymoon.

Best way is as I said; get friend two (or family) to look after kids, and go on, you know, an actual honeymoon. The two of you. That way, she can't come.

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pictish · 11/04/2022 07:44

Agree that it’s not on to pin it on your friend. It’s an easy get out sure…but it’s also a lie. Don’t lie about it. Just say you were too hasty to agree and that it’s not going to work.

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pictish · 11/04/2022 07:45

I also agree that this is NOT a honeymoon…it’s a trip with kids and pals.

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RachelGreeneGreep · 11/04/2022 07:46

Where will you be staying? Self catering set up or some type of hotel accommodation?
That could make a difference - if F2 has her own room etc, it might work out okay.

If you are going to discuss it with her, don't try to blame the other friend. Just say to her as pp have suggested that it would be nice to do something separately with her, and try to put it down for a definite date.

Warn her that the upcoming holiday will be full on with children, and let her make up her own mind. If she still insists on coming along, be ready for any controlling stuff and say well F2 I did warn you, and keep going with whatever is planned.

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rookiemere · 11/04/2022 07:47

But @HangingRock25 OP is perfectly entitled to have her honeymoon with who she wants, if that's someone else with DCs for her DCs to play with - well I can see the logic of that.

Even if it wasn't a honeymoon you don't just invite yourself on someone else's holiday.

OP message her this morning "Hi friend, I'm sorry but you coming on our honeymoon isn't going to work for various reasons.Maybe we could go on a separate trip some other time."

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stayathomer · 11/04/2022 07:49

I think it's so weird you're talking about her inviting herself as if nobody else was coming and I feel a bit sorry for her but if you don't want her there it would be a nightmare for everyone.

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HangingRock25 · 11/04/2022 07:53

@rookiemere

But *@HangingRock25* OP is perfectly entitled to have her honeymoon with who she wants, if that's someone else with DCs for her DCs to play with - well I can see the logic of that.

Even if it wasn't a honeymoon you don't just invite yourself on someone else's holiday.

OP message her this morning "Hi friend, I'm sorry but you coming on our honeymoon isn't going to work for various reasons.Maybe we could go on a separate trip some other time."

Oh I agree totally. However the problem is because friend two now knows friend one is going on this, er, road trip, she will be upset if she is not invited. She will ask why friend one is asked along, and not her?

Much easier to have a real, actual honeymoon than have to explain who one friend is invited and allowed to come, but the other isn't. How does OP get out of that? This is all the OP's own fault for doing something so stupid. That's why you don't invite a friend on a 'honeymoon', and not others.
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Dinoteeth · 11/04/2022 07:55

What about DH to be, how does he feel about friends and kids coming along?

He'd feel like he's gatecrashing a girls holiday instead of his honeymoon.

I think I'd tactfully say sorry its not going to work. Too many people or something

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SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 11/04/2022 07:57

Look, sympathy with her or not, she invited herself in front of your kids, who got excited.

Adults don't do that. People who do that know full well that they are tipping the scales in their favour with a little bit of emotional blackmail.

So tell her. No, you cannot come on honeymoon with us. You can't simply invite yourself as and when you see fit. No.

And let her deal with a definite no that does not come with any attempt at explanation, softening etc. Just no!

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rookiemere · 11/04/2022 07:58

But @HangingRock25 OP would be in exactly the same position even if the holiday wasn't badged as a honeymoon.

Friend wants to come but isn't a good match for the trip.

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SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 11/04/2022 08:01

Much easier to have a real, actual honeymoon than have to explain who one friend is invited and allowed to come, but the other isn't. How does OP get out of that? This is all the OP's own fault for doing something so stupid. That's why you don't invite a friend on a 'honeymoon', and not others.

Bloody hell! Really? Fuck that OP. Your honeymoon, your choice. NEVER let the emotional blackmail of friends or family ruin your own perfectly valid choices.

This is absolutely bobbins!

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GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 08:10

It doesn't really matter whether it looks like a traditional honeymoon or not.

The points that you don't invite yourself on someone else's holiday- honeymoon/road trip with kids and pals/girls' weekend/piss up in Blackpool... whatever.

And as for "You can't really blame her" and Where will you be staying? Self catering set up or some type of hotel accommodation That could make a difference - if F2 has her own room etc, it might work out okay. and How does OP get out of that? This is all the OP's own fault for doing something so stupid.

I'm literally baffled...

Anyone can go on holiday with whoever they like. Or not.

I can't imagine ever feeling entitled to join someone on their holiday who ever else is invited.

Some people are utterly ridiculous and quite likely need to address their own people pleasing tendancies/boundaries.

The only 'blame' that could.possibly lie at the OP's door is for saying it sounded nice when first put on the spot. Not for having a holiday/honeymoon/road trip to which she didn't invite someone...

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GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 08:11

@Dinoteeth

What about DH to be, how does he feel about friends and kids coming along?

He'd feel like he's gatecrashing a girls holiday instead of his honeymoon.

I think I'd tactfully say sorry its not going to work. Too many people or something

Well I'm guessing he's on board with it... 🤷🏻‍♀️
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StrangeCondition · 11/04/2022 08:24

@pictish

I also agree that this is NOT a honeymoon…it’s a trip with kids and pals.

It is OP's honeymoon, just because it's unconventional doesn't mean it isn't a honeymoon
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SleepingStandingUp · 11/04/2022 08:24

I'd avoid the "well it's because you don't have kids" stuff. She obviously loves yours, can easily argue that having a childless adult is really helpful for numbers, is potentially upsetting depending on why she doesn't have kids etc.

I'd stick to "caught off guard the other day, but this isn't just your holiday to invite friends on, isn't suitable this time as other family to consider, but perhaps she can do x with you another time

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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 08:29

The reason we are taking the kids with us is that over the last few years as we've blended our families, we have also taken on extra kids from a relative on my side of the family due to difficult circumstances. As I said, we are a bit of a Brady bunch. We've gone through a lot with these kids and in order for us to get married at all, we've always thought instead of excluding the kids, we would take them with us, after all, a marriage between us is about our families too. We have been together for many years. We don't have a lot of money so if we get married we wanted to do it in a way that worked for our family. However unconventional that is for others to understand, it is our choice. It is our honeymoon. Besides this, we are a relatively older couple and we don't have other family members who can take on the kids if we did go away.

Friend 2 knows full well it's a honeymoon for us and that rather than spend the honeymoon money on just us going somewhere, we wanted to take the kids. The reason it came up in conversation at all is that the kids were talking about it.

Friend 1 and I have both been there for each other through some very tough times, bereavements etc and whatever we go through as friends over a long period of time including births of children.

Friend 2 is a lovely person but with a high amount of drama attached. It doesn't stop her being a good person. It does mean she takes managing. It's not about dumping someone because they are tricky to manage sometimes. It's just you don't necessarily want to go on holiday with every friend you have. There's only certain friends or family members that any of us can cope with being in the company of for a prolonged period of time.
I've been friends with Friend 2 for around 10 years. We live in a different part of the country to Friend 1, so they have never met.

Anyway - when I posted last night I was feeling very shocked she had invited herself - as I said the way it happened suddenly got carried away because of her saying it in front of the kids. Last night I was thinking shiiiiiiit!

However in the morning today I'll just say to her that logistically we aren't sure what we are doing yet. (We've only partially booked everything at this point so there's some room for me to change aspects of it if I need to.)

I think the easiest way is to just say that we are still working out the details but it's only going to work with the two families where we are staying. If she wanted to stay with another friend near where we are and meet up with us a couple of times on the trip that could work and I wouldn't mind that, even from her perspective, tagging along with two families is going to be stressful so I'll say that to her and encourage her to do her own holiday if that is what she's desperate to do. Probably the reality of that will make her rethink. Yes it's my fault for agreeing in the moment - but I'm only human and not very well and just felt put on the spot. Thanks for the supportive comments everyone. I just needed a handhold to say no.

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HotelCaliforniaOnRepeat · 11/04/2022 08:30

I wouldn't blame the friend but would lay on thick that friend has offered to entertain dc a lot of the time and that you feel awkward dumping them together when they don't know each other. Also dc will be 24/7 and excited and she may find that very stressful.
Tell her you want to do something that she will enjoy.

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godmum56 · 11/04/2022 08:32

@GreyCarpet

Talking about a holiday you are going on with one or more friends, in front of a friend you are not inviting: rude bordering on cruel.

What?? Confused

I have friends I go away for weekends with who go on holiday with each other that I don't go on and vice versa.

It's not cruel. It's not rude. It's normal. How are there so many people who would struggle with this?

yup My best friend goes off on holidays with other friends I know several times a year. I am never invited and never care. They (mostly) have a fab time but its doesn't appeal to me.
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Candleabra · 11/04/2022 08:33

I also wouldn’t blame friend 1. It’s you who invited friend 2.
Just say you were caught on the hop, and have reflected and it won’t work. I get the impression she’s used to getting her own way? (And anyone with an sensitivity at all would have more sense than to invite themselves on a honeymoon).
You may have to accept she won’t be happy - but that’s not your fault.

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godmum56 · 11/04/2022 08:33

@HotelCaliforniaOnRepeat

I wouldn't blame the friend but would lay on thick that friend has offered to entertain dc a lot of the time and that you feel awkward dumping them together when they don't know each other. Also dc will be 24/7 and excited and she may find that very stressful.
Tell her you want to do something that she will enjoy.

and what if she says oh that will be lovely?

never ever give excuses that can backfire.
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Septimius · 11/04/2022 08:34

Tricky situation but it’s not OPs fault. In my experience, people like friend 2 know exactly how they are overstepping the mark inviting themselves in front of the kids. If told no, friend 2 will come back asking why you didn’t say anything at the time, but won’t accept a no gracefully and will be moody and withdrawn. This makes it more difficult to say no in future as it means dealing with the fallout in person in an awkward situation with DC around.

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Mosaic123 · 11/04/2022 08:35

I think you should be careful about the meeting up on the holiday thing with friend 2. She may try and tie you to things you don't want to do. And friend 1 might still find it difficult.

Best to keep it to the 3 adults only?

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