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Original poster

Friend has invited herself to our honeymoon

129 replies

JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 01:33

*namechanged

Some tactful advice needed please!
Husband to be and I have several kids between us in our blended family. Instead of doing a honeymoon with just us, we are taking all the kids away with us for a week on a road trip. My best friend of thirty years (Friend 1) is coming too as she has kids the same age who are really close to mine and our kids all love each other. We were looking forward to chilling out in the evenings to gather whilst the kids played harmoniously.

Friend 2 has just said when I was telling her about the plans that because the place we are visiting is one of her favourite places, she wants to come. She's a high drama person, very controlling and this isn't what I want. Problem is she said it in front of the kids who got excited about her coming so they have been chatting away all week now about the plans.

I need to manage this and do some damage control. She's saying she would pay for herself etc so it's not the money thing. Friend 2 doesn't have kids, and has mental health issues that can be quite overwhelming to manage. She's had a horrible year but she's really hard work and does need managing.
She also doesn't know Friend 1.

It's my own fault but I was so taken aback by her saying she wanted to come along in front of the kids that I agreed in shock, now I'm just thinking this is going to be a nightmare! How best to tactfully manage it without sending Friend 2 into a misery spiral.

OP posts:

Midlifemusings · 11/04/2022 04:34

I don't think she would have known she was inviting herself to a honeymoon. If someone told me they were going on a trip with their family and another family - I wouldn't think that was a honeymoon.

I think you have two issues that you need to address - the it happened so fast and you agreed in the moment and the we don't want you to come. I wouldn't blame Friend 1. I would just tell Friend 2 the truth - that you got caught up in the moment as you all like spending time together but after a little more thought, this isn't the best vacation to do together. I would plan at the time something to do with her in the future so you aren't just uninviting her and leaving it. You could say you want to spend quality time with each of them separately and it would just be too overwhelming to have everyone there at once.

autienotnaughty · 11/04/2022 05:26

It's tricky I would start by saying sorry to n mh Ed's you about but after thinking about it coming on the honeymoon isn't going to work. Say something vague about long kid oriented days then say but how about we do xyz instead.

garlictwist · 11/04/2022 05:30

I think it's unfair to use friend 1 as an excuse. It's not her fault you don't want her to go and it's sort of throwing her under the bus a bit.

Would you really notice friend 2's presence that much with all those other people there? If the kids like her perhaps it would be fun?

If you really don't want her to go you will just have to be honest. Or think of some other lie that's it blaming friend 1! It's a tough one.

Grimsknee · 11/04/2022 05:33

Real Jill Tyrell vibes here!

ivykaty44 · 11/04/2022 05:42

There are another two adults whom you didn’t consult

Get straight back to her and say you’ve run it passed your fiancé and it’s really not a good idea on this occasion for you all to go away together. Nothing personal but as it’s a honeymoon you’re sure she will understand

If she presses for reasons

Jyst say various reasons but you don’t want to divulge as they are about others not me or you, so best to leave it there

Thehundredthnamechange · 11/04/2022 05:45

I think your title is very misleading. A friend wanting to come on a honeymoon is outrageous, but this is hardly a honeymoon? It's a road trip with another friend and multiple children attending! It's more like a group holiday! So I think YABU to try to sway the vote with a misleading title! If you don't want Friend 2 to come you just need to tell her, but accept she'll probably be really hurt as another friend is invited and so it's obviously very personal towards her - that you are happy for another friend to join and just don't want HER there, rather than that it's your honeymoon and you want to be alone with your husband.

Murdoch1949 · 11/04/2022 05:52

You don't need to blame Friend 1, just highlight her shyness. Maybe sweeten the deal by saying that later in the year you'd love to go away for a break with Friend 2, where you can concentrate on each other and have fun.

ClaryFairchild · 11/04/2022 05:59

Just say "you caught me in the hop with your suggestion of joining us in our honeymoon. Having had a chance to think about it I really need to say no. Perhaps another time."

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 06:06

@Thehundredthnamechange

But it is their honeymoon - however unconventional the set up.

OP, you sat she has some MH issues that make her hard work? Might it be because of these MH issues that she has invited herself? MH can,and quite often do, make people quite selfish by their very nature.

Personally, I wouldn't use F1 as your reason - it's unfair on her.

I would just be as honest as you can but clear and firect so it's not actually a conversation. Don't apologise because you're not actually.sorrry she can't be there. If you'd wanted her there, you'd have invited her yourself.

I would go with something like.

Hi, Hope all is well. I was caught a bit off guard the other day when you asked if you could join us on our honeymoon. I know I said at the time that it would be nice but actually it is our honeymoon and we'd planned the one that we wanted so it's not going to work for us and I'm going to have to say no on this occasion x

I find that the best approach us to be as honest as possible and as brief as possible.

Someone who lacks self awareness to this degree isn't going to take a hint and will find solutions to any 'reason' you give eg it being full one/child focused/F1 being shy.

It's incredibly rude to invite yourself on someone else's holiday, honeymoon or not; other people going or not. Its not at all rude to say no. If she's going to be a CF, she needs to learn that she's going to be told to back off sometimes...

And then practice saying, "I'll think about it and get back to you."

Bottom line is that you either take her or you tell her she can't come. There is no third option. You don't want her there so make it happen.

lightisnotwhite · 11/04/2022 06:11

@JudyPludy

I know I agreed - it came out of the blue and she said it in front of the youngest kids so they immediately started jumping up and down in excitement as they love her. I was just in shock that anyone let alone her would just take it upon themselves to invite themselves along! I said "Oh that would be nice." And then felt horrible. I've been quite depressed myself recently so I was caught off guard and feeling quite vulnerable :(

Tell her this.

You were in shock that she invited herself and couldn’t think of what to say except “ yes”. However you need the holiday you planned.

When she sulks/ gets angry/ cries then point out that this is why you don’t think it will work.

godmum56 · 11/04/2022 06:18

Massive honest apology and withdraw invitation. Don't blame other people,say that on reflection its not going to work for you and keep saying it.

Chikapu · 11/04/2022 06:28

Can you not just tell her that the place you're staying is full?

Somuddled · 11/04/2022 06:30

I think if you value the friendship and want to make sure she doesn't feel hurt you need to follow up the withdrawal of acceptance with a genuine offer of a different event, with details No 'maybe' or 'perhaps'. Use a solid plana bd say something like;

'Having ahf a bit more time to reflect and chat it through with the others, having you come along too isn't going to work out for us. I'm sorry I didn't think things through at the time and misled you. I would really like to do a holiday with you though so how about xx place in xx time?'

Crayfishforyou · 11/04/2022 06:32

Text her ‘OMG we are so excited about you coming to X. If you babysit in the evenings I promise we won’t be too late back, before 3am. And if you could do the breakfast shifts so we can sleep off our hangovers that would be brilliant. Actually, you can organise lunches too as you can do that whilst waiting to clear up after the kids breakfasts. I’ll give you a more detailed list of things they can eat nearer the time. Toodles!’

INeedNewShoes · 11/04/2022 06:36

I’d say something like

Sorry, Friend2. I got caught up in the kids’ excitement when you invited yourself on our honeymoon. Now I’ve had a chance to think about it, it doesn’t work for us for you to join us.

I think you need to stop feeling sheepish as though you’re revoking an invitation. You never invited her and she has created this whole situation by inviting herself which she shouldn’t have done.

DockOTheBay · 11/04/2022 06:45

@Chikapu

Can you not just tell her that the place you're staying is full?

The problem with lies like this is a) she might find out e.g. she looked on the website herself, or b) she might find a work around- don't worry I'll stay in X Hotel next door/ sleep on the sofa / share a room with so and so. Better to be honest and not give an excuse which can be "solved"

Somuddled · 11/04/2022 06:53

@Crayfishforyou

Dont do this. It would be fucking cruel.

OP either this person is your friend and so you will need to ensure the hurt feelings are addressed, or you don't care about them, in which case it doesn't matter how you handle it.

I would find it hard to understand why a friend would be okay with having one friend but not me at their honeymoon tbh. I'd never invite myself but I would be quietly sad.

Krakenchorus · 11/04/2022 07:01

Talking about a holiday you and family members are going on: fine.

Talking about a holiday you are going on with one or more friends, in front of a friend you are not inviting: rude bordering on cruel.

Friend 2 probably could not imagine you being so rude, so assumed it must be an open invitation.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 11/04/2022 07:05

How flaky is your friend? Is she likely to forget/change her mind?

Mix56 · 11/04/2022 07:05

It sounds like a celebratory holiday, than a honeymoon.
I think you could say:
Re my next trip, I think the kids got in a whirlwind & the idea got out of my hands. I think honestly, that this holiday is not best suited for you.
I have all my various issues, & friend 1, will be shy & its not going to work this time.
I feel terrible that you may be hurt, but it wont work this time.....

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 07:05

I would find it hard to understand why a friend would be okay with having one friend but not me at their honeymoon tbh. I'd never invite myself but I would be quietly sad.

Really?

Even when the OP has laid out the scenario as she did in her OP re the children?

I might think it was strange that they'd invited anyone else at all. Then I'd think about the children aspect. Then I'd think it was probably actually going to be really nice for them. And then I'd get on with my day.

OP says that F1 has been her best friend for 30 years - so more like a sister. And their children get on well. Presumably the husband to be us also happy with it and views F1 similarly.

And people can go on holiday with whoever they like.

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 07:08

Talking about a holiday you are going on with one or more friends, in front of a friend you are not inviting: rude bordering on cruel.

What??

I have friends I go away for weekends with who go on holiday with each other that I don't go on and vice versa.

It's not cruel. It's not rude. It's normal. How are there so many people who would struggle with this?

MeridianB · 11/04/2022 07:08

@INeedNewShoes

I’d say something like

Sorry, Friend2. I got caught up in the kids’ excitement when you invited yourself on our honeymoon. Now I’ve had a chance to think about it, it doesn’t work for us for you to join us.

Agree with this.

As an aside, I’m intrigued about people staying friends with someone who is ‘high drama and very controlling’. Sounds unappealing, quite apart from this situation!

DarkShade · 11/04/2022 07:10

@Krakenchorus

Talking about a holiday you and family members are going on: fine.

Talking about a holiday you are going on with one or more friends, in front of a friend you are not inviting: rude bordering on cruel.

Friend 2 probably could not imagine you being so rude, so assumed it must be an open invitation.

I don't agree with this at all. It's her honeymoon and the friends don't know each other. If you were in a friendship group all discussing plans one of you hadn't been invited to: mean. Talking to friends about you going away with other friends: fine. Obviously fine! Especially if it involves children. I've never listened to someone tell me about a holiday with their friends and thought they're silently inviting me.

OP don't feel bad. You were caught off guard it happens to us all. Just go back and say you've thought it through and it won't work this time because long exhausting days and shy friend 1.

SunshineGone · 11/04/2022 07:17

I don't think it is very nice to blame the other friend. You cocked up by agreeing. Take the responsibility and blame yourself.

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