Am I silly for feeling hurt and rejected? Should I tell him? (Sex related)

[BestWishesWarmestRegardss]

I was going to post about this a little while ago, but convinced myself to ‘get over it’. However, I encountered another hurtful rejection last night, so, here am I, looking for opinions!

DH and I have been together for 7 and a half years, 3 DC’s.

Our sex life has never been wild. We go through phases of having it fairly regularly, to lulls where I can’t remember the last time we had it. I’d say we average anywhere between 1-4 times a month.

DH - like most men, I assume - likes getting bj’s and up until the last six months, has never once refused one when I’ve offered. However, since December last year I’ve tried giving him a bj on 4 separate occasions, and each time I’ve been rejected. Two of those times, he physically pushed my face away while I was under the duvet claiming the next day that he ‘didn’t realise he’d done that’ 🤔

Last night, he was sat playing a game and I thought ‘it’s been a few weeks since we’ve had sex, it’s been a month or so since I last tried offering a bj, he’s been all over me like a rash today, let’s make the evening a bit more exciting’. I got down in front of him and tried to do undo his jeans, and his face visibly changed from content to annoyed and huffy. I tried to clearly show him for another few seconds what I was about to do, and was met with a rather forceful “what are you doing!?! I’m JUST about to go to bed!!”. He then immediately got up, turned the tv off and went straight to bed leaving me there feeling like an absolute idiot. I’d like to point out, that before I attempted to give him a bj, he’d not mentioned being tired or wanting to go bed, he was sat there quite happily.

I struggle a lot with self confidence and sexual rejections do hurt me. My ex before DH, used to refuse sex all the time, only to sit in bed next to me and watch porn instead once I’d fallen asleep. DH knows about what my ex used to do, and he’s even said to me in the past ‘your ex was an idiot. How could he ever reject you? You wouldn’t ever catch me doing that. In fact, you could wake me up in the middle of the night for sex and I’d be happy!’.

How has he gone from having the mentality that I could physically wake him up and offer sex or foreplay and he’d jump at it, to him rejecting every single bj offer over the last 5 months?

It’s not just the rejection that upsets me, but the way in which I’m rejected. There’s no ‘I’m sorry babe, I’m just feeling really tired this evening. We can have some fun tomorrow!’, instead I’m met with a pissy attitude or physically being pushed away, then watching him turn his back on me and rolling away in bed.

He’s big on physical touch - constantly hugging me, touching my bum, ‘admiring’ my body when I’m getting changed, he always wants kisses etc so I know it’s not a case of him having completely gone off of me, but I don’t know what’s going on. All I know is that if I keep being rejected, I’m going to end up stopping initiating sex and foreplay entirely because the embarrassment, confusion and hurt is horrible!

Opinions and insights needed! Thank you.

You need to talk to him. Has anything happened when you've done that recently!?

I think that you need to have a conversation with your husband about how you feel.

Honestly - If I was in the middle of watching a film or playing a game, and with no build up whatsoever my DH knelt down in front of me and started undoing my jeans attempting to give me oral sex, I’d ask him what the fuck he thinks he’s doing and probably push him away.

Yep, sit him down and explain how your feeling

@BornIn78

Honestly - If I was in the middle of watching a film or playing a game, and with no build up whatsoever my DH knelt down in front of me and started undoing my jeans attempting to give me oral sex, I’d ask him what the fuck he thinks he’s doing and probably push him away.

I agree with this.

Is there any sort of hint / build up prior to you actually going for it? If not this could be the issue

@BornIn78

Honestly - If I was in the middle of watching a film or playing a game, and with no build up whatsoever my DH knelt down in front of me and started undoing my jeans attempting to give me oral sex, I’d ask him what the fuck he thinks he’s doing and probably push him away.

I can appreciate the approach may seem odd, however, it isn't odd for us. We frequently start having sex with little to no build up, while one of us had previously been doing something else. So for us, it's not out of the ordinary and not something that would usually anger either one of us.

How is your relationship apart from this?

Is he just rejecting the BJ or sex of any kind too?

I would be wondering what he is hiding if my DH suddenly didn't want me near his penis.

I’m with others that the approach would put me right off but if that’s what’s normal for you then you’re going to have to ask him what’s changed.

@yellowspot hmm, I really don't think it's a build up issue. When we do have sex/foreplay, it's more often than not the result of no build up, usually while one of us was preoccupied doing something else. For example, if he wants sex, he'll often approach me while I'm in the middle of something (normally housework), he'll literally just touch my bum and then we get straight to it. There obviously are times when we put a little more effort in, but lack of build up has never been an issue for us. We're very much a 'feel like having sex, let's get straight to it' kind of couple.

@bluebaul

Is he just rejecting the BJ or sex of any kind too?

I would be wondering what he is hiding if my DH suddenly didn't want me near his penis.

Sometimes sex is rejected too, but nowhere near as often. If I tried instigating sex say, 5 times in one month, I may be rejected one of those times. I too would be concerned if sex had dropped off the radar as well, but if anything, the fact that it's just oral he's refusing is just making the situation even more confusing for me.

@OrlandointheWilderness Generally, it's okay. We have three small DC's and I work from home in the evenings so we have little 'couple time', but I wouldn't say there's anything particularly wrong or off. I think the fact that we don't get a great deal of opportunities to have sex, makes it all the more confusing and frustrating when I do make an advance, and am shot down.

If a man tried to go down on his partner with no asking, notice, consent, whatever, when she was just sitting by herself on the couch, he would not get much support around here.

Do you use condoms? Could it be that he has an std or something and doesn't want his cock near your mouth!?!
I think you really do need a conversation with him.

@Aquamarine1029 I can appreciate that, however, as I've explained to other responses, that type of situation is normal for us. I know it may not be for many, but to us and our relationship and our sex life, it's perfectly normal and it's just how we go about things.

No, we don't @OrlandointheWilderness

I'm really struggling to think of how to approach this conversation with DH. I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, nor do I want to make him feel awkward. But I do think it's something that needs to be discussed

@BestWishesWarmestRegardss

Do you use condoms?

Just talk to him.

Say how you feel. Say your need to know what’s changed. It might be several conversations.

As a matter of interests, why do you regularly give bjs without getting anything in return?

So you know, for whatever reason he doesn't want oral sex, but you keep pressurising him and doing so when he us off guard? Reverse the roles and this would be a LTB situation.

I think other posters are being unfair, if this has always been the usual dynamic of your relationship (and mine is similar to be fair) then it's not unreasonable to want to know what has changed. I think the only thing for it is to face it head on and ask him.

I get it OP - My Partner and I have always been the same with just getting straight to it. If it's not others thing that's fine but obviously not the problem here as that's what you've always done.

I think a conversation is needed OP, I would need to know why he doesn't want oral anymore if he always has done before.

Are you sure that the few times you've tried recently that he hasn't already gotten himself off before that not knowing you would be offering? Although I agree he could still refuse nicer than it sounds like he is.

It could also be an insecurity thing. Something may have changed that's affecting him, definitely bring it up but try and be calm about it. Don't phrase it as "you are rejecting me", try coming at it as asking if everything's okay

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints

So you know, for whatever reason he doesn't want oral sex, but you keep pressurising him and doing so when he us off guard? Reverse the roles and this would be a LTB situation.

I wouldn't say trying to give DH oral a couple of times over the course of almost 6 months is pressuring him. Sometimes I'm not in the mood for sex, it DH then tries to have sex with me a month later, I can categorically say I wouldn't view that as him pressuring me.

If he explicitly told me to stop trying or that he doesn't like them anymore, then I obviously would stop making attempts.

The 'off guard' thing I've explained countless times - it's normal for us.

Thank you @Lou98 and @hereforthetea - I'm relieved to see I'm not the only person here that understands what it's like to have a sex life that doesn't revolve around a half an hour build up! I was beginning to think DH and I were strange for just getting straight down to it at odd times whenever and wherever we can, no matter what the other person was previously doing!

I think I will be talking with him soon about all of this. It's odd to me that he's gone from loving oral, actively telling me that he likes it when I randomly decide to go down on him - to all of a sudden, acting as though receiving a blow job is the most repulsive thing on earth and running away from it.

If I was in your position I would say to DH,

"I need to have a talk with you because x times recently you've refused a bj and brushed me off quite hurtfully and y times you've refused sex (edit as needed). When would be a good time to have that conversation?"

Have you seen his penis up close and personal recently?