Am I silly for feeling hurt and rejected? Should I tell him? (Sex related)

[BestWishesWarmestRegardss]

I was going to post about this a little while ago, but convinced myself to ‘get over it’. However, I encountered another hurtful rejection last night, so, here am I, looking for opinions!

DH and I have been together for 7 and a half years, 3 DC’s.

Our sex life has never been wild. We go through phases of having it fairly regularly, to lulls where I can’t remember the last time we had it. I’d say we average anywhere between 1-4 times a month.

DH - like most men, I assume - likes getting bj’s and up until the last six months, has never once refused one when I’ve offered. However, since December last year I’ve tried giving him a bj on 4 separate occasions, and each time I’ve been rejected. Two of those times, he physically pushed my face away while I was under the duvet claiming the next day that he ‘didn’t realise he’d done that’ 🤔

Last night, he was sat playing a game and I thought ‘it’s been a few weeks since we’ve had sex, it’s been a month or so since I last tried offering a bj, he’s been all over me like a rash today, let’s make the evening a bit more exciting’. I got down in front of him and tried to do undo his jeans, and his face visibly changed from content to annoyed and huffy. I tried to clearly show him for another few seconds what I was about to do, and was met with a rather forceful “what are you doing!?! I’m JUST about to go to bed!!”. He then immediately got up, turned the tv off and went straight to bed leaving me there feeling like an absolute idiot. I’d like to point out, that before I attempted to give him a bj, he’d not mentioned being tired or wanting to go bed, he was sat there quite happily.

I struggle a lot with self confidence and sexual rejections do hurt me. My ex before DH, used to refuse sex all the time, only to sit in bed next to me and watch porn instead once I’d fallen asleep. DH knows about what my ex used to do, and he’s even said to me in the past ‘your ex was an idiot. How could he ever reject you? You wouldn’t ever catch me doing that. In fact, you could wake me up in the middle of the night for sex and I’d be happy!’.

How has he gone from having the mentality that I could physically wake him up and offer sex or foreplay and he’d jump at it, to him rejecting every single bj offer over the last 5 months?

It’s not just the rejection that upsets me, but the way in which I’m rejected. There’s no ‘I’m sorry babe, I’m just feeling really tired this evening. We can have some fun tomorrow!’, instead I’m met with a pissy attitude or physically being pushed away, then watching him turn his back on me and rolling away in bed.

He’s big on physical touch - constantly hugging me, touching my bum, ‘admiring’ my body when I’m getting changed, he always wants kisses etc so I know it’s not a case of him having completely gone off of me, but I don’t know what’s going on. All I know is that if I keep being rejected, I’m going to end up stopping initiating sex and foreplay entirely because the embarrassment, confusion and hurt is horrible!

Opinions and insights needed! Thank you.

I also agree if the sexes were reversed there would be outrage. Op you keep saying it’s normal for you, it’s clearly not as he’s reacting with outrage and shock that you’re trying to do this to him with no form of communication when he’s involved in doing something else. He doesn’t like it and he doesn’t wish you to do it. He’s a person with body autonomy. It doesn’t matter what he agreed to before. That doesn’t give you an entitlement.

Sometimes sex is rejected too, but nowhere near as often.

So if he’s refusing BJs but not sex then stop trying to give him BJs.

For whatever reason he feels uncomfortable about it so just stop doing it.
You do need to talk but it sounds like he’s not ready to do that yet.

I know this is your thread but you do seem to care about how you are feeling more than how he is feeling.
And I think you need to care more about how he is feeling and you can start by respecting his boundaries.

I understand about the ‘up for sex, lets get to it!’ approach that you’re used to taking. Nothing wrong with that if both of you are up for it and happy with it. But it’s quite clear that he isn’t up for that right now, for whatever reason. He’s allowed to change as a person, to prefer other things or things done differently, or maybe even to not want much sex at the moment. Maybe he’s too tired/stressed/preoccupied with other things to be able to switch heads like that (pardon that unfortunate pun!) at the drop of a hat.

You will need to speak to him honestly about it, as you’ve said. I would mention it gently without making him feel as if he’s obligated to let you do what you want to him whenever you want (so try not to be accusatory) but do explain that it makes you feel sad and rejected. Talk about and explore possible solutions and what can be done to ideally make sex happen for him when he’s in the mood and for you when you’re in the mood, whilst still being wholly enjoyable for both of you.

Is he approaching 40s? It’s quite normal for men to have a slump in sexual appetite at that age, ironically just around the time that women of that age can get a real surge in sexual desire.

@Rosebuud But he does the exact same to me? I can be in the middle of putting washing away, he'll grab me, and 10 seconds later we're having sex. I'll be sat on the sofa, he'll come over and start touching me straight away - no kissing, no build up. Those kind of 'impulsive' actions are simply what we're like. He's only acting this way with oral and that's why I'm so confused. It's seemingly come out of nowhere. He's fine for me to 'spring' a handjob or sex on him, but not oral.

It's odd to me that he's gone from loving oral, actively telling me that he likes it when I randomly decide to go down on him - to all of a sudden, acting as though receiving a blow job is the most repulsive thing on earth and running away from it.

There's your starting point then. Definitely a conversation is needed.

Can you remember the last time he accepted your offer for oral? What was his response? Can you think of anything, a reaction maybe, that might could have been him not enjoying it? If it's only oral he's refusing I'd be inclined to think it's that specifically he doesn't want

I think a conversation needs to be had around that too, then - that if he’d rather you don’t ‘jump him’ anymore then he needs to afford the same courtesy to you and find some other way to signal that he'd like to have sex.

There are several reasons I could think of why he may have gone off oral sex from you but I’m not sure I’d go into those yet as it’d only be wild conjecture and I’m not sure that’s the right way to go on the thread.

You really do need to ask him though. Discuss it openly and honestly, with allowances made that he might get defensive/feel attacked, just as you feel rejected/hurt.

What’s he like as a person, is he considerate of you, generally, respectful of women and a decent guy IYKNIM? Is your relationship good overall? Can you talk about difficult things and come to an understanding that works for you both?

It's very strange that his behaviour has suddenly changed. I think another poster asked if you use condoms usually?

Yes I am a little concerned about that.

He's only acting this way with oral and that's why I'm so confused. It's seemingly come out of nowhere. He's fine for me to 'spring' a handjob or sex on him, but not oral.

Obviously he’s self conscious about what his penis looks like or the smell. Maybe he’s noticed a change recently.
Stop making this all about you.

@WonderfulYou

He's only acting this way with oral and that's why I'm so confused. It's seemingly come out of nowhere. He's fine for me to 'spring' a handjob or sex on him, but not oral.

Obviously he’s self conscious about what his penis looks like or the smell. Maybe he’s noticed a change recently.
Stop making this all about you.

Considering he literally windmills it in front of my face before he has a bath or shower, or the fact he'll be laying on the sofa and just pull his jeans down and wave his dick at me - I think I can say with absolute certainty that he isn't self conscious about the way it looks or smells

I realise this has been normal for you, but it isn't normal for a lot of people, and even when it is our dynamic changes with time.

Instead of trying to ask 'why are you rejecting me', try opening a conversation about how he feels about your sex life these days. He may be less defensive if he's being asked what he likes to do, rather than why he doesn't like what he used to like.

There's all sorts of reasons people go off specific sex acts.

The responses here are mostly a bit odd. In a bid to make sure there isn't a gender bias on MN people seem to be ignoring the, well grounded, belief that the majority of men, including this one it seems, are normally very unlikely to refuse the offer of a BJ. On top of that, the one person who actually has any idea of the relationship has told us that both of them are usually perfectly happy with this approach.
I agree though with most, that if you are this open and straightforward about sex generally just ask him! It's the only way you will find out.

Maybe he doesn't feel prepared? Hygienically speaking? For example, even though I know I'm clean, if I've showered in the morning and not in the evening and my DP tries to go down on me, I feel a bit uncomfortable as I'm not as 'clean' as I could be - even though I'm far from dirty if that makes sense! Is it that he's embarrassed to have your head that close to his you know what if he hasn't showered/bathed?

Considering he literally windmills it in front of my face before he has a bath or shower, or the fact he'll be laying on the sofa and just pull his jeans down and wave his dick at me -

How attractive. Is that why you want to put it in your mouth < not envy.

I'm sorry OP but the whole stopping what you are doing randomly to get the other to have sex, and this odd penis show is just plain weird. It's almost as if you are a pair of emotionally underdeveloped teenagers.

Can you just act like adults? Communication is quite important, waving your dick in someone's face? Not so.

Oh I missed him waving it in your face before he washes it too 🤢

Oh..just saw your post about the windmilling so clearly he's not worried about the smell/sight of it.
Maybe he just doesn't enjoy it anymore, especially as you say he's happy to have a handjob etc.

I think I can say with absolute certainty that he isn't self conscious about the way it looks or smells

Again you’re not thinking about how he’s feeling. There is obviously a reason where he doesn’t want your face so close to it.
You seem very dismissive of his feelings.

He is physically pushing you away, he’s going to bed even when he’s not tired to stop you from doing it - he doesn’t want you to do it, so why not respect his wishes?
Why not ask him what he wants you to do to him instead?

@WonderfulYou you stated that he's 'obviously' self conscious about its look or smell. A self conscious person wouldn't constantly get their dick out.

Thank you @pog100 - I feel like banging my head in to the wall over how people can't seem to grasp that the way DH and I approach and have sex is different to them

Why are you not answering the condom question?

@PlainJaneEyre I have? It was one of my first replies?

Maybe he has someone else? - sorry OP

if you are this open and straightforward about sex generally'

They aren't though. They may see doing it as straightforward, but it doesn't sound like they openly communicate about it.

[quote BestWishesWarmestRegardss]@PlainJaneEyre I have? It was one of my first replies? [/quote]
My apologies I missed that.