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Original poster

DP profiting off our recent split

116 replies

DonnyBurrito · 09/04/2022 07:24

I recently asked DP to leave. We have a son who is almost 8 months old. It's a long story why I asked him to leave, but I was betrayed by him (not cheating or anything to do with another woman). It was the straw that broke the camels back on a certain contentious issue surrounding his family. I've posted about them before, and things have only got worse since then.

I knew he wouldn't be able to afford to get himself somewhere for months and I didn't want to see him on someones sofa, so I decided to offer him sone money so he could rent somewhere immediately. I pay all our bills from a pot we both put an equal amount into, and we pay our rent 12 months in advance, so each month we put our half of the rent into another pot for that. So I had a few thousand in the bank, but it wasn't spare, it was our rent and bills money for the future. I just thought we would scrimp and it would hopefully even out until our next tenancy renewal, and that it was more important we had space from each other ASAP.

So I asked him to work out how much he would need to be able to leave. He said £600. I thought that sounded reasonable if rent was £450 for the month, £100 for bills and then a small food shop as a good will gesture. I didn't ask him any questions about it, I just trusted him and sent it.

So he left. After a few days, we were talking amicably over WhatsApp and he was saying about how he was going to use the time away to work through his issues and wouldn't stop fighting for us, wanted to do couples counselling, etc. I was unsure, but he was saying all the right things and although I was still hurt and angry, I did think we could work things out in the future if what he said was true.

However, he then told me something that made me absolutely furious. He had used the money I had sent him to buy an expensive piece of furniture he genuinely did not need.

He can work from home if he wants and had been doing so at our home on a desk I'd got him. It was a bit small as it had to fit a certain gap in the room, but he worked on it for 10 hours 4 days a week for 2 months during the last Covid wave, so it obviously did the job. I offered it to him to take with him, but he complained it was too small and he also needed somewhere for his TV to go now. He showed me he had just ordered himself a £70 corner desk.

I was shocked and asked him how he could afford that, and why was he using the money I sent him to buy furniture. He said the amount he had asked for wasn't actually for rent and bills, it was just to 'set himself up' and 'get through the rest of the month' (until he got paid in 3 weeks). I asked him how he could justify needing £200 a week when he can work from home. He said he didn't need to justify it to me, and that I didn't get to decide what he does and doesn't need. We don't live in London or anywhere expensive, so £200 a week to live on is a lot and way, way more than he/we had when he was living with us. It turns out the guy he's moved in with hadn't actually asked him for any certain amount, and was helping him out as a favour as he had a spare room.

I told him he'd taken the piss out of me and his son by taking money from us that he didn't actually need, and I would be starting a CSA claim immediately to recoup that money. He said he's just trying to survive a situation I put him in. I feel like he's decided to profit off this situation.

I'm disgusted by what he's done and feel like all hope is lost for this man to rejoin us as a family in the future. He told me I needed counselling as I was reacting so badly to things. I feel like I'm well within my rights to be upset about this, and to suggest I need counselling because of it is very manipulative.

I think I just want to know how this would make other people feel? Is it possible I am actually overreacting to this? I know there's worse things people do. I feel so guilty and sad for my son who clearly loves his dad, but I'm incredibly angry on his behalf that his dad would even think to take a penny he didn't genuinely need from us.

What would you do if you were me?

OP posts:

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/04/2022 10:11

It's from the pot they'd jointly been saving into equally. Fairest thing would have been to give him his half of the pot back. OP hasn't specified what size the savings pot was when she booted him out, so we don't know if £600 is more or less than half of it.

Not sure why people keep saying this? It wasn't savings it was rent, to be paid back to a debt they jointly owed to her inheritance pot. It was not savings and none of it belonged to him.

VodselForDinner · 09/04/2022 10:12

If you’re this controlling over £70, imagine what you’ll be like when he has a new girlfriend and is taking your child on family days out with her. Or is living in a bed sit with his dealer dropping by constantly.

Let it go, OP, let it go.

What possessed you to have a baby with a bankrupt druggie? You’re lucky you’ve only lost £600.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 09/04/2022 10:14

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

You quoted my post but I dont think you actually read it. Maybe read it.

It's quite clear. She takes back her half of their savings pot, and then takes back 50% of the rent for the time they have jointly lived there from his half. So he will have repaid what he owes in the rent. Anything left over is his.

The OP wasnt clear. She added in quite relevant info later on. But she originally said they had a few thousand in savings for future rent and bills. He doesnt need to cover anything in the future. He owes 50% of the rent for december, January, february and March. Once he has paid that back, that's it. And half of the quarterly bill that will be coming in.

Nomad916 · 09/04/2022 10:18

YABU
He needs half his savings back.
Buying a desk sounds reasonable

Chloemol · 09/04/2022 10:19

You are over reacting. If he pays half into the kitty then half the money is his, so just be grateful he has not asked for it, yet!

Whatever00 · 09/04/2022 10:42

I think you are unreasonable. The money already saved for next years rent is 50% his. It's not your money. He won't be benefiting from paying the rent 12 months on advance because he won't be living in the home. You need to give him his share and mind your business how he spends it. It's his money.

ApertureGLaDOS · 09/04/2022 10:51

You really should have mentioned that this was paying back his share from last year’s rent as you are going to get a continuous stream of ‘half is his’ replies.

Just let it go. Yes, I completely get why you are pissed off but £600 has gone now - regardless of whether it’s on rent or furniture. Start the CMS claim and move on with your life. Well done for getting rid of him.

Original poster

DonnyBurrito · 09/04/2022 10:57

People need to read the additional posts I made. He has paid money into my account for his half of our rent for the past 4 months, as he owed me that money. He doesn't get his half of the rent back, he lived here for four months. He only paid for 4 months. I don't know how many other ways I can say it. He paid me back what he owed me. I owe him nothing.

I appreciate the comments, but please stop any character assassination of his drug use, it's a difficult illness and I don't judge him for it. He was getting better. People deserve second chances.

Not third chances, though. It is over.

OP posts:

Longdistance · 09/04/2022 11:13

I don’t get those who can’t fathom that op isn’t married and the savings were originally hers from an inheritance from her df. The dp was giving her money monthly for his half of the rent and bills. He had nothing to do with the original savings, op was essentially charging the dp to recoup some of the savings (inheritance)!she used on the rent.

Don’t lend him a penny. Make sure you claim CMS. You owe him nothing and stop helping him out, he’s not your problem anymore.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/04/2022 11:17

@Whatever00

Omg It's repaying the rent she already paid It's money he paid BACK that she lent him Omggggg

Kirstos1 · 09/04/2022 11:19

And to the poster that said £600 isn't a lot of money, it really is for many of us.

starfishmummy · 09/04/2022 11:26

However, he then told me something that made me absolutely furious. He had used the money I had sent him to buy an expensive piece of furniture he genuinely did not need.

A £70 desk is not an expensive piece of furniture. And not your call to decide if he needed it or not.

Reverse the situation and you had money from the "pot" - which was basically some of what you had out in to it ain't the first place- would you like him to tell you what to do with it?

Are you destitute because he spent the £70 on a desk? I assume not as it was only a fraction of what you gave him so you are way out of order.

Viostep · 09/04/2022 11:27

Draw a line under it. Don't mention the money again but don't ever give him any more and put in a claim for child maintenance. He isn't your problem anymore. The only communication needed is regarding your child together

Whatever00 · 09/04/2022 11:29

She needs to not drip feed.

Wallywobbles · 09/04/2022 11:29

My understanding would be that he doesn't owe you for any rent after he moves out. You having paid it in advance is no longer his problem. He will owe you csa from the day he left.

WonderfulYou · 09/04/2022 11:30

He doesn't get his half of the rent back, he lived here for four months. He only paid for 4 months.

He only lived with you for 4 months?

WonderfulYou · 09/04/2022 11:31

You already split because you felt betrayed by him.
You now feel even more betrayed by him.

You need to forget about the money.
Claim maintenance.
And realise this relationship is completely dead and have no contact with him.

TabithaTittlemouse · 09/04/2022 11:33

He’s shown you who he is. Sounds like you made a lucky escape.

You sound like you’ve tried to help him and make his life easier for a long time. Now you need to let him get on with it.

Templeblossom · 09/04/2022 11:43

@needmorethanthis

Stop giving him money. Stop feeling responsible for him. Stop enabling him. Cut off anything other than contact to do with your child. The relationship is toxic and your needs aren’t being met by this man. Cut out the dead wood

This. Are you the the Op who had a druggie living and controlling her in a HA property ? Well done for getting rid. Detach and step away If he spent it on mars bars its down to him, stop involving yourself.

Catcrazy83 · 09/04/2022 11:48

I think the £600 is the least of your worries.
Make sure no financial ties to him.
Get a claim in for maintenance.
Check if there are any benefits you’re entitled to.
Dont make any plans at all that involve you counting on him for anything, especially child maintenance and childcare.
Start looking no for a new home, if thing were that tight with 2 incomes you’re unlike to manage on one.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 09/04/2022 11:53

He’s spent his own money and he’s right you don’t get to dictate to him what he can and cannot spend or what items he’s buying.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/04/2022 11:57

@starfishmummy

However, he then told me something that made me absolutely furious. He had used the money I had sent him to buy an expensive piece of furniture he genuinely did not need.

A £70 desk is not an expensive piece of furniture. And not your call to decide if he needed it or not.

Reverse the situation and you had money from the "pot" - which was basically some of what you had out in to it ain't the first place- would you like him to tell you what to do with it?

Are you destitute because he spent the £70 on a desk? I assume not as it was only a fraction of what you gave him so you are way out of order.

The ignorance!! A £70 desk is an expensive piece of furniture when your budget is £20 used facebook marketplace items!! You've also misunderstood what the money was. He owed it to her.

Saltyquiche · 09/04/2022 11:57

Op unlike others I have read all your posts. Leave him to work things put independently. Keep the money you have, after all it was the inheritance debt he was repaying

Hutchy16 · 09/04/2022 11:59

You have separated, once you gave him that money your ties were ended (except with kids) and although it’s a bit of a p1ss take, you can’t do anything about it. Move on

MissMaple82 · 09/04/2022 12:02

Nail in coffin for me

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