DP profiting off our recent split

[DonnyBurrito]

I recently asked DP to leave. We have a son who is almost 8 months old. It's a long story why I asked him to leave, but I was betrayed by him (not cheating or anything to do with another woman). It was the straw that broke the camels back on a certain contentious issue surrounding his family. I've posted about them before, and things have only got worse since then.

I knew he wouldn't be able to afford to get himself somewhere for months and I didn't want to see him on someones sofa, so I decided to offer him sone money so he could rent somewhere immediately. I pay all our bills from a pot we both put an equal amount into, and we pay our rent 12 months in advance, so each month we put our half of the rent into another pot for that. So I had a few thousand in the bank, but it wasn't spare, it was our rent and bills money for the future. I just thought we would scrimp and it would hopefully even out until our next tenancy renewal, and that it was more important we had space from each other ASAP.

So I asked him to work out how much he would need to be able to leave. He said £600. I thought that sounded reasonable if rent was £450 for the month, £100 for bills and then a small food shop as a good will gesture. I didn't ask him any questions about it, I just trusted him and sent it.

So he left. After a few days, we were talking amicably over WhatsApp and he was saying about how he was going to use the time away to work through his issues and wouldn't stop fighting for us, wanted to do couples counselling, etc. I was unsure, but he was saying all the right things and although I was still hurt and angry, I did think we could work things out in the future if what he said was true.

However, he then told me something that made me absolutely furious. He had used the money I had sent him to buy an expensive piece of furniture he genuinely did not need.

He can work from home if he wants and had been doing so at our home on a desk I'd got him. It was a bit small as it had to fit a certain gap in the room, but he worked on it for 10 hours 4 days a week for 2 months during the last Covid wave, so it obviously did the job. I offered it to him to take with him, but he complained it was too small and he also needed somewhere for his TV to go now. He showed me he had just ordered himself a £70 corner desk.

I was shocked and asked him how he could afford that, and why was he using the money I sent him to buy furniture. He said the amount he had asked for wasn't actually for rent and bills, it was just to 'set himself up' and 'get through the rest of the month' (until he got paid in 3 weeks). I asked him how he could justify needing £200 a week when he can work from home. He said he didn't need to justify it to me, and that I didn't get to decide what he does and doesn't need. We don't live in London or anywhere expensive, so £200 a week to live on is a lot and way, way more than he/we had when he was living with us. It turns out the guy he's moved in with hadn't actually asked him for any certain amount, and was helping him out as a favour as he had a spare room.

I told him he'd taken the piss out of me and his son by taking money from us that he didn't actually need, and I would be starting a CSA claim immediately to recoup that money. He said he's just trying to survive a situation I put him in. I feel like he's decided to profit off this situation.

I'm disgusted by what he's done and feel like all hope is lost for this man to rejoin us as a family in the future. He told me I needed counselling as I was reacting so badly to things. I feel like I'm well within my rights to be upset about this, and to suggest I need counselling because of it is very manipulative.

I think I just want to know how this would make other people feel? Is it possible I am actually overreacting to this? I know there's worse things people do. I feel so guilty and sad for my son who clearly loves his dad, but I'm incredibly angry on his behalf that his dad would even think to take a penny he didn't genuinely need from us.

What would you do if you were me?

How much was in the savings? If more than £1200, you should really give him his half (-£600) as well.

I pay all our bills from a pot we both put an equal amount into, and we pay our rent 12 months in advance, so each month we put our half of the rent into another pot for that. So I had a few thousand in the bank, but it wasn't spare, it was our rent and bills money for the future

OP if you've separated, then half of that money that you have tucked away for the future is actually his. It's joint savings, in effect isn't it? Even though you have it earmarked as rent. You'll have to pay rent out of your own money and any CMS payments.

I mean this kindly but you do sound controlling. If he's setting up a new home why on earth shouldn't he buy himself a desk that is big enough to work on? Especially if the money you gave him was essentially from his own joint savings.

@HunterHearstHelmsley

How much was in the savings? If more than £1200, you should really give him his half (-£600) as well.

CMS should be claimed but that's a separate issue.

@Daisydoesnt

I pay all our bills from a pot we both put an equal amount into, and we pay our rent 12 months in advance, so each month we put our half of the rent into another pot for that. So I had a few thousand in the bank, but it wasn't spare, it was our rent and bills money for the future

OP if you've separated, then half of that money that you have tucked away for the future is actually his. It's joint savings, in effect isn't it? Even though you have it earmarked as rent. You'll have to pay rent out of your own money and any CMS payments.

I mean this kindly but you do sound controlling. If he's setting up a new home why on earth shouldn't he buy himself a desk that is big enough to work on? Especially if the money you gave him was essentially from his own joint savings.

This

If he's paid half of the upfront rent already, he is severely out of pocket.

@Throwntothewolves

YANBU.

I think the issue here is that he breached your trust, not how much spent on a new desk (why is anyone focusing on that?) He knew why you were giving him money, he said what you wanted to hear by promising he would 'fight for you', then he chose to spend the money a different way knowing he was wrong to do so. He definitely manipulated you. Then when you got upset he accused you of being unreasonable, and 'crazy' (suggesting you need counselling), which any number of threads on here will tell you is a classic deflection technique.

No point in going over and over it. As the classic MN saying goes, he has shown you who he is, so use that knowledge to be rid of him for good, and never give him money again. The alternative is to rinse and repeat over and over, I know, I've been there.

No, it wasn’t ‘knowing he was wrong to do so’ because he wasn’t wrong to do so. That’s the point. It’s not manipulative to not let a controlling partner control you.

Half of all the money you have in the account is his and he can spend it whatever he wants

How was he wrong to buy himself a desk that was big enough for his needs?

It’s not as if he’s spent the whole £600 the op gave him on the desk!

(And the op should absolutely be returning half the savings less the £600)

Are you saying he put half into a pot of money that is in the thousands and you are angry he took 600 from that pot?
If he put half in, he could have taken half out.

I'd just be thankful he only took 600 tbh

I paid the entire 12 months upfront rent myself in order for us to be able to live here, no other landlord would touch us without it as he has CCJs and I am on mat leave so our income doesnt meet the threshold. I paid over 10k. I had to use money I shouldn't have used, it needs to be paid back eventually, so the money he puts into the kitty each month is essentially paying me back. He puts money in for the month gone, not the month coming up. I control the money as he had a drug addiction which he is working very hard on tackling and is doing well with, but it cost us thousands years ago, and it is a set up he is okay with. He is often short on money, he has a lot of debts. I don't want to be in charge of the bills and the money, but unfortunately it's the least stressful way forward.

£70 is a huge amount to us. It may not be for someone else, but it is to us. I offered him the desk he had used here in the interim. If he needed a new one, I feel he should have waited until he got paid and could afford it himself.

Thank you for all the replies.

You’re split up. He’s a drug addict.

How he spends his money going forward is up to him.

You’re not in charge of his bills any more.

There is no “us” anymore.

You need to move forward, completely split your finances. You know you have your next few months rent paid which is great and will hopefully give you time to get on your feet or find alternative accommodation.

Get the CMS sorted and then keep any contact to being about your child. Nothing else he does is of interest.

Sounds like 600 is a small price to pay to be rid of such a waste of oxygen

You gave a drug addiction with a ccj - £600?

Come on OP! You've done the right thing by splitting up but you now need some individual counselling to work on your boundaries with this man else he will continue to take and take from you.

Ffs. Drip feeding is incredibly tedious OP.

Drip drip drip. You paid over £10k for rent up front and yet £70 is a lot of money to you? And you don’t live in an expensive area?

@A580Hojas

Ffs. Drip feeding is incredibly tedious OP.

I'm really sorry for this. It didn't even cross my mind to mention that I had paid it all upfront myself, and I was trying to keep the post concise.

What you do is give him back he rest of the half of the money that is his.

Actually you’re the one who is profiting here, so you need to rectify that.

@QueefofSheena

Drip drip drip. You paid over £10k for rent up front and yet £70 is a lot of money to you? And you don’t live in an expensive area?

I had inheritance from when my dad passed, a small amount that I had set aside to pay my own debts with. £900 a month in rent is extortionate for us, but we could just about afford it if we tightened our bootstraps and penny pinched. We needed/wanted the space for DS and his daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us at weekend, and for him to work from home.

But you can’t keep control of the money and also split up with him

Can you not put all the relevant info in the OP? Why drip feed? You wont get the answers you need.

Right. To make it fair.

How long have you both lived there?
If it has been 6 months, then he owes you 3 months rent (half). If it has been 8 months then he owes you 4 months rent (half).

The remaining months of rent are yours to pay alone as you kicked him out.

So, if he owes you 4 months rent then you take 4 months rent from the jointly paid into accounts. Once you have that, the rest of the money in the accounts you've both equally paid into needs to be split 50/50. And then you make a child maintenance claim. And that's it sorted.

You dont get to keep all the money and hand him small amounts for approved purchaes. You also don't get to benefit from him paying half the rent from this point onwards as you kicked him out.

You take what you are owed for his half of the rent so far, not the full 12 months. Then you split what is left 50/50. Child maintenance happens separately.

Anything else, and you are financially benefiting and he loses money he should have.

@LouOver

You gave a drug addiction with a ccj - £600?

Come on OP! You've done the right thing by splitting up but you now need some individual counselling to work on your boundaries with this man else he will continue to take and take from you.

He's the father of my child, I didn't want to punish him or see him suffer after I'd asked him to leave as it would have inevitably impacted our ability to be amicable for our sons sake.

i dont understand surely some of that money is his anyway? do you work?

@LouOver

He is owed more than £600.

She says they equally contribute to the joint accounts. Half of all that money is his. She cant keep it now they've split. She no longer gets to be in control of his savings. She needs to give them back.
She can take 50% of the rent for the time they have lived there together, to pay her back for his half since she paid it upfront. But once she is paid back, the rest of that money is joint and she needs to return his half.

@BeforeGodAndAllTheFish

Can you not put all the relevant info in the OP? Why drip feed? You wont get the answers you need.

Right. To make it fair.

How long have you both lived there?
If it has been 6 months, then he owes you 3 months rent (half). If it has been 8 months then he owes you 4 months rent (half).

The remaining months of rent are yours to pay alone as you kicked him out.

So, if he owes you 4 months rent then you take 4 months rent from the jointly paid into accounts. Once you have that, the rest of the money in the accounts you've both equally paid into needs to be split 50/50. And then you make a child maintenance claim. And that's it sorted.

You dont get to keep all the money and hand him small amounts for approved purchaes. You also don't get to benefit from him paying half the rent from this point onwards as you kicked him out.

You take what you are owed for his half of the rent so far, not the full 12 months. Then you split what is left 50/50. Child maintenance happens separately.

Anything else, and you are financially benefiting and he loses money he should have.

As I said in my original post, there is no money spare. It is all accounted for bills wise, and the rent money he send each month is essentially paying me back for the rent I paid for us both in advance.

Thank you for your comment.