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Original poster

DP profiting off our recent split

116 replies

DonnyBurrito · 09/04/2022 07:24

I recently asked DP to leave. We have a son who is almost 8 months old. It's a long story why I asked him to leave, but I was betrayed by him (not cheating or anything to do with another woman). It was the straw that broke the camels back on a certain contentious issue surrounding his family. I've posted about them before, and things have only got worse since then.

I knew he wouldn't be able to afford to get himself somewhere for months and I didn't want to see him on someones sofa, so I decided to offer him sone money so he could rent somewhere immediately. I pay all our bills from a pot we both put an equal amount into, and we pay our rent 12 months in advance, so each month we put our half of the rent into another pot for that. So I had a few thousand in the bank, but it wasn't spare, it was our rent and bills money for the future. I just thought we would scrimp and it would hopefully even out until our next tenancy renewal, and that it was more important we had space from each other ASAP.

So I asked him to work out how much he would need to be able to leave. He said £600. I thought that sounded reasonable if rent was £450 for the month, £100 for bills and then a small food shop as a good will gesture. I didn't ask him any questions about it, I just trusted him and sent it.

So he left. After a few days, we were talking amicably over WhatsApp and he was saying about how he was going to use the time away to work through his issues and wouldn't stop fighting for us, wanted to do couples counselling, etc. I was unsure, but he was saying all the right things and although I was still hurt and angry, I did think we could work things out in the future if what he said was true.

However, he then told me something that made me absolutely furious. He had used the money I had sent him to buy an expensive piece of furniture he genuinely did not need.

He can work from home if he wants and had been doing so at our home on a desk I'd got him. It was a bit small as it had to fit a certain gap in the room, but he worked on it for 10 hours 4 days a week for 2 months during the last Covid wave, so it obviously did the job. I offered it to him to take with him, but he complained it was too small and he also needed somewhere for his TV to go now. He showed me he had just ordered himself a £70 corner desk.

I was shocked and asked him how he could afford that, and why was he using the money I sent him to buy furniture. He said the amount he had asked for wasn't actually for rent and bills, it was just to 'set himself up' and 'get through the rest of the month' (until he got paid in 3 weeks). I asked him how he could justify needing £200 a week when he can work from home. He said he didn't need to justify it to me, and that I didn't get to decide what he does and doesn't need. We don't live in London or anywhere expensive, so £200 a week to live on is a lot and way, way more than he/we had when he was living with us. It turns out the guy he's moved in with hadn't actually asked him for any certain amount, and was helping him out as a favour as he had a spare room.

I told him he'd taken the piss out of me and his son by taking money from us that he didn't actually need, and I would be starting a CSA claim immediately to recoup that money. He said he's just trying to survive a situation I put him in. I feel like he's decided to profit off this situation.

I'm disgusted by what he's done and feel like all hope is lost for this man to rejoin us as a family in the future. He told me I needed counselling as I was reacting so badly to things. I feel like I'm well within my rights to be upset about this, and to suggest I need counselling because of it is very manipulative.

I think I just want to know how this would make other people feel? Is it possible I am actually overreacting to this? I know there's worse things people do. I feel so guilty and sad for my son who clearly loves his dad, but I'm incredibly angry on his behalf that his dad would even think to take a penny he didn't genuinely need from us.

What would you do if you were me?

OP posts:
Original poster
DonnyBurrito · 09/04/2022 07:25

I suppose the title should have said ExP, not DP...

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 09/04/2022 07:27

You are overreacting. You gave him money, you don’t get to say how he spends it.
You need to stop all communication other than the necessary times about your child.
You’ve done well to get him to leave, don’t let him back. And don’t give him any more money.

MartinMartinMarti · 09/04/2022 07:30

What possessed your to give him money in the first place?

Well done for kicking him out. Now you need to make you CMS claim.

HollowTalk · 09/04/2022 07:30

@GeneLovesJezebel

You are overreacting. You gave him money, you don’t get to say how he spends it. You need to stop all communication other than the necessary times about your child. You’ve done well to get him to leave, don’t let him back. And don’t give him any more money.
No she gave him money for rent not to buy furniture! If he didn't need the money for rent he shouldn't have taken it from her.
User0610134049 · 09/04/2022 07:32

It sounds to me like your reaction to this is probably symptomatic of the other issues in your relationship and the reason for the split tbh.
Also sounds like there was a misunderstanding about the terms on which you were giving him the money.

But it also sounds like to you this is sort of summing up the kind of person he is.

Sirzy · 09/04/2022 07:32

I’m a bit confused with it all.

Where is he living now then?

Surely if he pays half into the kitty then half of that is his? And then child maintenance is worked out beyond that.

I don’t think £70 for a desk when working from home is all that extravagant and if he is setting up a new home of course he will need to buy things for it.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 09/04/2022 07:33

I thought you were going to say he’d spent it on an Xbox or something. Buying a desk to work on that fits in his new room seems reasonable?

As to whether you should have given him money at all, I guess if all of his salary has gone into this account over the year it’s reasonable for him to have access to it for whatever he needs now you are separated.

I wonder if your anger at this is actually related to him ruining your relationship through whatever he did.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/04/2022 07:34

I pay all our bills from a pot we both put an equal amount into, and we pay our rent 12 months in advance, so each month we put our half of the rent into another pot for that.

But you didn't 'give' him money, if I'm reading correctly.

It's joint money

If he is moving out, you need to work out finances so that he pays for your DC, and independently you support yourselves.

It doesn't either sound excessive to buy something for £70

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 09/04/2022 07:36

When you give someone money, you immediately lose control over how they spend it. Don’t send him anymore money, and don’t give the 600pounds who sent him off with any more headspace. It’s his problem whether he spends it on rent and food shopping or furniture and fancy shoes. I know it’s infuriating, but you can’t do anything about it.
I think this relationship is over. The dispute over a desk would be quite minor to most people, although I appreciate that 70pounds is a lot of money when things are tight.
Can you afford the rent on your current place by yourself?
Can you separate your finances so that neither of you has to justify purchases to the other?
You should apply for CMS - that’s money your stbex/estranged P needs to contribute to your shared child’s upbringing.

Browncoo6 · 09/04/2022 07:36

Why do you control all the money? Is there a backstory about his lack of control of the finances? If he’s working he must have extra money outside of the cash put in the pot for bills. Sounds like he needs to buy a desk though if he’s WFH, I wouldn’t call a £70 desk extravagant - I thought you were going to say an antique or something!

stairgates · 09/04/2022 07:36

Were you kickng him out or just sending him away to punish him for a while?

AchillesPoirot · 09/04/2022 07:37

Honestly it’s a £70 corner desk. I have an IKEA desk that does the job and I managed with but I bought myself a corner desk because I’m wfh all the time and it makes a big difference.

This is not the hill to die on.

Teeturtle · 09/04/2022 07:40

I didn’t understand your backstory about paying rent a year in advance but having this pot with thousands that was yours but not his too?

Anyway, that aside I think I agree with him, the money was to help set him up, whether rent or for something else. You don’t give people money and then get to choose what they do with it, if that is going to be an issue then don’t give the money. So no I don’t think he took advantage.

A580Hojas · 09/04/2022 07:41

How are you going to pay your rent next time it's due?

A580Hojas · 09/04/2022 07:42

12 months in advance is extremely unusual ... guess you must regret that set up now.

LemonTT · 09/04/2022 07:42

@Sirzy

I’m a bit confused with it all.

Where is he living now then?

Surely if he pays half into the kitty then half of that is his? And then child maintenance is worked out beyond that.

I don’t think £70 for a desk when working from home is all that extravagant and if he is setting up a new home of course he will need to buy things for it.

Yes, the money was joint. He has in any case paid rent in advance which he should get back as well.

The OP should have split the savings pot and returned the advance rent money. She can then claim CMS and any benefits due including support for rent.

If he wants to be more generous that is his decision. But the OP cannot decide to keep all their assets without discussion.

The OP is profiting nicely and now claiming CMS.

AchillesPoirot · 09/04/2022 07:43

That’s true. He should get back his half of anything he has paid in advance.

The op should definitely claim CMS.

candles1298 · 09/04/2022 07:47

It sounds to me that you just gave him money from joint savings? If so he'd probably actually be entitled to half of the total you have saved together?

Obviously I don't know the back story but from this post alone I don't think he's fine anything wrong at all

SandyY2K · 09/04/2022 07:48

£70 isn't extravagant for a desk tbh and even if the money wasn't needed for rent, he would need some money to get set up.

Your CSA claim should be for child support and not to recoup the money, which if I've understood correctly is joint funds.

Your response was IMO a bit OTT and it seems controlling, but perhaps your just fed up with his betrayal. He previously said the desk was small, so you don't get to decide its good enough for him because he managed it before.

dfendyr · 09/04/2022 07:48

So you gave him money from an account you both pay in to?

He said he didn't need to justify it to me, and that I didn't get to decide what he does and doesn't need.

And he doesn’t. Half the money is his. (Based on what you have said)

MiddleParking · 09/04/2022 07:50

It sounds like you’ve sent him money that’s half his anyway? Plus if you’ve already jointly paid this year’s rent and then you’ve ‘kicked him out’ it seems eminently reasonable for him to take money from the household (that he’s contributed equally to) to set up elsewhere, and actually I’d have expected it to be more than £600. Of course he’s going to need things like a desk. Also, you’re not going to ‘recoup that money’ through CMS, that’s not what CMS is for, he’ll only have to pay you maintenance according to his earnings. That’s his contribution now to your ‘rent and bills money for the future’. I honestly don’t see how you can think you’re in the right.

clpsmum · 09/04/2022 07:51

@candles1298

It sounds to me that you just gave him money from joint savings? If so he'd probably actually be entitled to half of the total you have saved together?

Obviously I don't know the back story but from this post alone I don't think he's fine anything wrong at all

I agree with this but also you need to give him half of any advanced rent you've paid also
TheGlitterati · 09/04/2022 07:51

You’re going over the top on this one I’m afraid OP.

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2022 07:53

So the money in the savings pot was money you had both contributed? In that case, he should get back his contribution to do whatever he wants with. That’s only fair.

Throwntothewolves · 09/04/2022 07:53

YANBU.

I think the issue here is that he breached your trust, not how much spent on a new desk (why is anyone focusing on that?) He knew why you were giving him money, he said what you wanted to hear by promising he would 'fight for you', then he chose to spend the money a different way knowing he was wrong to do so. He definitely manipulated you. Then when you got upset he accused you of being unreasonable, and 'crazy' (suggesting you need counselling), which any number of threads on here will tell you is a classic deflection technique.

No point in going over and over it. As the classic MN saying goes, he has shown you who he is, so use that knowledge to be rid of him for good, and never give him money again. The alternative is to rinse and repeat over and over, I know, I've been there.

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