DP profiting off our recent split

[DonnyBurrito]

I recently asked DP to leave. We have a son who is almost 8 months old. It's a long story why I asked him to leave, but I was betrayed by him (not cheating or anything to do with another woman). It was the straw that broke the camels back on a certain contentious issue surrounding his family. I've posted about them before, and things have only got worse since then.

I knew he wouldn't be able to afford to get himself somewhere for months and I didn't want to see him on someones sofa, so I decided to offer him sone money so he could rent somewhere immediately. I pay all our bills from a pot we both put an equal amount into, and we pay our rent 12 months in advance, so each month we put our half of the rent into another pot for that. So I had a few thousand in the bank, but it wasn't spare, it was our rent and bills money for the future. I just thought we would scrimp and it would hopefully even out until our next tenancy renewal, and that it was more important we had space from each other ASAP.

So I asked him to work out how much he would need to be able to leave. He said £600. I thought that sounded reasonable if rent was £450 for the month, £100 for bills and then a small food shop as a good will gesture. I didn't ask him any questions about it, I just trusted him and sent it.

So he left. After a few days, we were talking amicably over WhatsApp and he was saying about how he was going to use the time away to work through his issues and wouldn't stop fighting for us, wanted to do couples counselling, etc. I was unsure, but he was saying all the right things and although I was still hurt and angry, I did think we could work things out in the future if what he said was true.

However, he then told me something that made me absolutely furious. He had used the money I had sent him to buy an expensive piece of furniture he genuinely did not need.

He can work from home if he wants and had been doing so at our home on a desk I'd got him. It was a bit small as it had to fit a certain gap in the room, but he worked on it for 10 hours 4 days a week for 2 months during the last Covid wave, so it obviously did the job. I offered it to him to take with him, but he complained it was too small and he also needed somewhere for his TV to go now. He showed me he had just ordered himself a £70 corner desk.

I was shocked and asked him how he could afford that, and why was he using the money I sent him to buy furniture. He said the amount he had asked for wasn't actually for rent and bills, it was just to 'set himself up' and 'get through the rest of the month' (until he got paid in 3 weeks). I asked him how he could justify needing £200 a week when he can work from home. He said he didn't need to justify it to me, and that I didn't get to decide what he does and doesn't need. We don't live in London or anywhere expensive, so £200 a week to live on is a lot and way, way more than he/we had when he was living with us. It turns out the guy he's moved in with hadn't actually asked him for any certain amount, and was helping him out as a favour as he had a spare room.

I told him he'd taken the piss out of me and his son by taking money from us that he didn't actually need, and I would be starting a CSA claim immediately to recoup that money. He said he's just trying to survive a situation I put him in. I feel like he's decided to profit off this situation.

I'm disgusted by what he's done and feel like all hope is lost for this man to rejoin us as a family in the future. He told me I needed counselling as I was reacting so badly to things. I feel like I'm well within my rights to be upset about this, and to suggest I need counselling because of it is very manipulative.

I think I just want to know how this would make other people feel? Is it possible I am actually overreacting to this? I know there's worse things people do. I feel so guilty and sad for my son who clearly loves his dad, but I'm incredibly angry on his behalf that his dad would even think to take a penny he didn't genuinely need from us.

What would you do if you were me?

No you're definitely not being unreasonable. That was money for your DSs home, which you now don't have and will need to find. It was family money and he lied about what he was using it for, I don't think there's a way back from this. Start your CSA claim and cut all ties other than contact with DS xx

You gave him the money to get rid of him. He’s gone. Your relationship is over.

It’s time to concentrate on yourself and rebuilding your life.

What he does isn’t your headache anymore.

You said you have a few thousand but it is rent and bill money for the future.

He no longer needs to pay towards your rent and bills in the future. Half of that is for his rent and bills separately from you.

All you are owed is half the rent for the time you jointly lived there. Then you split the rest. And you get no say over how he spends it.

[quote BeforeGodAndAllTheFish]@LouOver

He is owed more than £600.

She says they equally contribute to the joint accounts. Half of all that money is his. She cant keep it now they've split. She no longer gets to be in control of his savings. She needs to give them back.
She can take 50% of the rent for the time they have lived there together, to pay her back for his half since she paid it upfront. But once she is paid back, the rest of that money is joint and she needs to return his half.[/quote]
He is not owed anything actually. Why would you assume he is owed more than £600? He isn't even 'owed' that.

I'm sorry, but you sound way too invested.

Is it over? Really over?

Then stop chatting, write off the money, disengage. It will be hard at first, but you left him, he doesn't get to keep occupying your head space.

Texts about arrangements to see and pay for your child should be all you reply to if you want to move on and recover from this relationship.

Rent and bill money for the future even if it is “accounted for” you need to give him back what he’s owed.

You’re being unreasonable at this point.

@DonnyBurrito

You have a few thousand for future rent and bills which you said was contributed equally.

He no longer has to pay your future rent and bills.

You can take 50% of the rent for the time you jointly lived there (to pay you back for his half of the upfront rent payment). From the point you kicked him out, you can't take rent payback. If you hadnt paid in advance, you would be paying it alone now.

The few thousand for future rent is half his.

@andweallsingalong

I'm sorry, but you sound way too invested.

Is it over? Really over?

Then stop chatting, write off the money, disengage. It will be hard at first, but you left him, he doesn't get to keep occupying your head space.

Texts about arrangements to see and pay for your child should be all you reply to if you want to move on and recover from this relationship.

I think you're right. Thank you.

OP, if you are married you need proper legal advice. It’s impossible to know as we don’t know what you both agreed to when you paid the rent upfront.
On the face of it I don’t think that £70 is too much for a desk, and we don’t know if when chatted you explicitly said the money was for rent.

I think it's reasonable that he bought himself a £70 desk to work from.
I disagree that he should be paid back all the monies from the joint pot that was saved to cover the rent. The tenancy agreement was taken out by them both and he made a legal commitment to that- the fact that he isn't living there currently is neither here or there, he's still responsible for contributing while his name is on the tenancy agreement.
However, op and ex need to now consider removing his name from the tenancy and op paying it on her own or moving to a cheaper/ smaller place. Her needs have changed if there is now no one working from home and presumably his daughter will no longer be coming to stay.
It sounds to me as though the decision to split permanently hasn't been made in OP's head and there is some hope of a reconciliation. Perhaps the final decision needs to be made before sharing out the financial pot in a mutually agreed way that is fair to both parties (not necessarily 50:50).

Oh right. Your explanation of the money has changed entirely hence why people are confused and think he owes you. It goes back then to the fact that you’ve essentially gifted him £600, you lost control of it at that point and you won’t see it again. The only thing you can do is start a CMS claim now for going forward - but it does stand to reason that you’ll be poorer for separating, so you need to be prepared that you might not be able to afford the same things (eg the same house) that you could afford while you were together. Paying a year’s worth of rent upfront is a big risk, there’s a reason people pay rent monthly.

YABU- It's not your money it was joint money, are you expecting him to continue putting all of his earnings into the joint pot and have nothing for himself? If he's paid his half of the next 12 months rent, he needs a good proportion of this back to pay rent going forward.

Right. Just so there's no more confusion before I leave this thread.

I paid 12 x £900 in December. This was my money, not his. Nothing to do with him. We intended to live here for years to come, so although he was technically paying me back for paying in advance, it would have been used again when the tenancy renewed. He isn't out of pocket. He doesn't pay extra, he pays exactly half of everything for the month just gone.

There was 4 x £900 in the rent pot. I sent the £600 out of there. There are upcoming bills that are paid quarterly, so although they will be paid in the future, it's for gas, water and electricity he has already used.

I gave him £600 as I wanted him gone. He started saying all the right things and who doesn't want their son to grow up with two parents around all the time? If he fixed things within himself in the time we separated, it could have been possible that I would give him another chance.

But the asking for money that was for furniture and whatever else, knowing full well it was money for me and DS to live on, has appalled me. I think I did overreact. I should have expected it from him, and I shouldn't have been shocked by his selfishness.

Thank you for all of the replies. They have all been helpful, and I apologise again for accidentally drip feeding. I've been up since 5am and have a baby who wakes frequentlt through the night, and I'm facing a huge change to my situation. My head isn't exactly in the best place, and it just didn't cross my mind to mention I'd paid upfront from my own money.

Thanks again.

Sorry; I got the maths thr wrong way round.

His back rent payment should come from his half of the savings.

So, split the thousands in joints savings in half. And then take half the rent from the time you've jointly lived there from his half. Dont take the rent off first.

If, after that calculation, there isnt anytbung left in his half then you owe him nothing. if there is, then you need to give him it.

Don’t give him any cash. Let him organise his own finances. Go through the csa

It sounds very much like you have got yourself into an untenable financial situation. How much longer have you got on this tenancy? Do you work?

You need to spend the next few months until your pre paid rent is up looking for an option you can afford on your own

There’s a reason landlords wouldn’t rent to him.

You just realised what that is.

You’re split up. You can’t control him or fix him.

£600 now is cheap when compared to the next however many years funding his drug habit and letting him fuck you and your DC lives.

*fuck up

Yes you cant fix him - you gave him the money hoping he would do the right thing with it.

He hasnt.

Move on - use the time you have in the place you live to get yourself sorted. Take him off the tenancy so he cant come back and work out where you can go next.

Because it is over

Stop giving him money. Stop feeling responsible for him. Stop enabling him. Cut off anything other than contact to do with your child. The relationship is toxic and your needs aren’t being met by this man. Cut out the dead wood

@Saltyquiche

Don’t give him any cash. Let him organise his own finances. Go through the csa

This ! Start your claim with the CMS now. Forget about the £600. You don’t owe him anything now. Do a budget, concentrate on your DS and childcare arrangements after maternity leave. Your ExDp doesn’t sound reliable, so maybe it’s time to move on and think of the future.

If you’re putting an equal amount in the pot then why doesn’t he not put any in and use that instead?

I think as you were hoping to get back together then it was a good idea to help him out from the pot of money that he contributed too.

He hasn’t done anything majorly wrong as he was buying something he needs to work.
However you feel betrayed and it sounds like this is just the straw that broke that camels back.

Could it be that buying this piece of furniture actually represents him not wanting to move back?

@BeforeGodAndAllTheFish

Sorry; I got the maths thr wrong way round.

His back rent payment should come from his half of the savings.

So, split the thousands in joints savings in half. And then take half the rent from the time you've jointly lived there from his half. Dont take the rent off first.

If, after that calculation, there isnt anytbung left in his half then you owe him nothing. if there is, then you need to give him it.

They don't have any joint savings!! OP has a small inheritance (her own) and she paid rent up front out of it. He owes her that rent paid back. He has no money of his own. She gave him money from the money they were saving to repay the money she advanced from her inheritance.

This was your rent money, which you financed. Why on earth did you give it to him?!

@MartinMartinMarti

What possessed your to give him money in the first place?

Well done for kicking him out. Now you need to make you CMS claim.

It's from the pot they'd jointly been saving into equally. Fairest thing would have been to give him his half of the pot back. OP hasn't specified what size the savings pot was when she booted him out, so we don't know if £600 is more or less than half of it.

OP you're being ridiculous over a trivial amount of money. And why kick him out and tell him it's over, yet complain that his actions since then are preventing you from taking him back?