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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I be concerned with his response? What would you expect your partner to say to this?

150 replies

Yellowgolden · 03/04/2022 23:28

I have found out (unintentionally and was not snooping) that my partner and his ex (they have no children nor mutual friends together) have been exchanging messages initiated always by her but he responds pleasantly.

The last message however was her saying she is always ready for him (in a sexual tone) with him responding "no you're not but you should be".

How would you feel about this? We have been together for a year (we have no children and are not married). Should I take this as just tongue and cheek on his behalf or should I be concerned?

Part of me feels it was a playful brush off, I mean what else could he have said?

I have mind fog at the moment. Please help me see this from an outside perspective.

OP posts:

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 12/04/2022 15:47

In reality everyone flirts. Heck married couples even flirt! It does not mean they will act on it

How many other men are you texting about "being ready for sex"?
I bet it's none whatsoever.

And, since when is it okay to sext as long as you don't act on it? What if he was telling her all the different ways he was going to have sex with her? Is that okay, as long as he doesn't actually do it?

You ask why men do this - for some men, it's simply because they can. My first H was very much like this. Didn't know that when I married him (obviously). Any woman with a pulse was a fair target. When I left him, he was devastated.

In answer to your original question of "What would you expect your partner to say to this", I would expect my husband to block the Ex, or reply with "I am in a serious relationship, so please don't contact me".

Funnily enough, when I started dating DH, an Ex sent me a few messages calling me Babe. I replied and told him that his language was inappropriate, as I was in a relationship with someone.

It's not hard.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 12/04/2022 15:52

@Yellowgolden

I have decided not to address the message exchange on this occasion as things are going great between us and I don't want to create tension between us while things are going well. However anymore then I will be speaking to him and will be willing to walk.

If he was that keen he would have been back in touch with her or her him.

Your Partner is messaging another woman and telling her to be ready for sex with him. If that's your version of things going great, then I don't know what to say to that.

Sunin · 01/05/2022 16:44

Updates

LoveSpringDaffs · 01/05/2022 16:50

Sunin · 01/05/2022 16:44

Updates

Were you born in a cave?

Did no one teach you ANY manners?

If the OP had wanted to update, she would have.

Sunin · 01/05/2022 17:06

@LoveSpringDaffs

Calm down Madam

Original poster

Yellowgolden · 04/05/2022 21:05

Hi all.

Thank you all for your honest advice/thoughts and opinions.

To update - they have been in contact again, this time via phone call.
She called him I know this as I seen it in his call log when he asked me to call him a cab.

The messages have been few and far between again initiated by her. Although he is still responding. (Not sex related this time).

OP posts:

blueagain · 04/05/2022 21:15

Dump him. See what he does. I bet he’s straight on the phone for a hook up. You are being played. If it was me I’d say “I’m ending our relationship. Please don’t contact me again. All the best” and mean it. If he doesn’t bother asking why then you’ve got your answer. If he does then you say “you know why. I’m not interested in playing second fiddle to your ex. I’m not interested in being with somebody like you who flirts with an ex. Go be with her. Good luck” then don’t respond to anything else. Get some pride. Get some dignity.

Original poster

Yellowgolden · 04/05/2022 21:28

She called him and I don't want to jump to the wrong conclusion. It was a short phone call made by her. I don't know what was said, I don't beleive it was anything sinister as there were no messages exchanged afterwards.

OP posts:

Chinuplippyon · 04/05/2022 22:18

Given that you weren't snooping either time so have nothing to hide, then could you discuss this with him? Say you accidentally saw that they had exchanged flirty looking messages. You gave him the benefit of the doubt, but noticed when he asked you to make a call, that she had rung recently- what's with the frequent contact with his ex?

Original poster

Yellowgolden · 04/05/2022 23:23

I have just had the conversation with him. She called him to ask for a recommendation (without being too outing).

OP posts:

DogWithMyOwnRoom · 04/05/2022 23:28

Yellowgolden · 04/05/2022 21:28

Sorry to break it to you but they didn’t need to message - they spoke IRL when they hooked up
please don’t be so naive

Moodycow78 · 04/05/2022 23:39

Oh I'm sorry hon, I know you're desperately trying not to believe it but they're definitely not over one another x

Northernsoullover · 04/05/2022 23:42

Of course he would tell you that she was after a recommendation ya fool..

Original poster

Yellowgolden · 05/05/2022 07:53

To the poster who said they hooked up, they definitely have not hooked up. There has not been any time frame he could have hooked up with her or even seen her

OP posts:

Chinuplippyon · 05/05/2022 07:56

Ok but how did he explain the messages about 'are you ready for me'?

If you're confident nothing's happened then fair enough but if he wants to be with you then this type of chat needs to stop.

Drinkingallthewine · 05/05/2022 14:50

My new motto after years of terrible treatment from my EXH is "if you're doing anything you wouldn't want me to find out about" it is cheating. Sexting, not brushing off advances, secret meet ups, anything at all physical. My 22 year old goddaughter is going through something similar and I gave her the same advice. What I wish my 25 year old self had known would have saved me so much heartache

Mine is similar - and I wish to fuck I could time travel and tell my teenage self what took me so long to figure out for myself. My motto is "would my behaviour hurt my partner if they found out about it?" and I apply that to both of us. Not even about other people/flirting or texting, but also things like how we talk to friends, colleagues or family members about each other. That's not to say I don't occasionally give out about him - I do and I'm sure he vents about me too but I would say nothing about him that I wouldn't say to him. Outside of our child, he's the most important person in my life - why wouldn't I be respectful of our relationship?

Someone upthread mentioned flirting - I don't do that either. I work in a male dominated work place and would never. For one thing, I think a lot of men contstrue flirting for "she's well up for shagging me" and all too often when younger I had to deal with those crossed wires and it was awkward. So I don't do that any more. Secondly, I go back to my motto. I'd hate it if DP was flirting with another woman, even harmlessly and I'd be hurt. So why do something that would hurt me for something so empty and meaningless?

1FootInTheRave · 05/05/2022 16:38

Get some self respect fgs.

We all know what's going on, as do you really.

Original poster

Yellowgolden · 05/05/2022 17:43

@1FootInTheRave What exactly do you "know" is going on? Do explain...

OP posts:

Herejustforthisone · 06/05/2022 13:50

Oh OP. I feel very sorry for you. Just why on on earth are you accepting this?

Crunchymum · 06/05/2022 14:01

Yellowgolden · 11/04/2022 13:57

If he was that keen he would have been back in touch with her or her him.

This will only go one way unfortunately

He probably won't cheat but you'll keep checking his phone because now the trust isn't there.

So it may be a few weeks or months until the next message (or never?) but you'll spend all that time waiting for it to happen. Who wants to live like that?

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 07/05/2022 08:50

Poor woman only has 1 contact in her phone book you are all being unreasonable...
Op are so desperate for a man a one of such low standing is enough?

caringcarer · 07/05/2022 10:20

After just 1 year, he is flirting inappropriately with ex. He should have text back back in a new relationship hope you find someone else to make you happy too. He is not trust worthy but good job you found out now rather than be married and pregnant.

Mintchocicechip · 07/05/2022 17:29

My recent ex and I split due to exactly this. An ex hanging about and them keeping in touch. She was poking him emotionally and he would respond. She usually messaged first too.

When I sneaked through his phone to finally see what went on between them my heart sank. The night before he had been laid in bed messaging her the night before. He sent her a song and said listen to this "insert surname" I am crying at the memories. She was like awww hunni don't be sad. Be happy at the memories. I got my things and I left.

It's broken my heart but in all honesty I should have known all along. There was a million reasons I should have known.

I'm so sorry. It's just not right or fair. But it happens. When did they split. If I was you I'd end it. Honestly it's ruined the last 18 months of my life fighting for first place. I shouldn't have had to. It's heartbreaking and the men are too weak and pig headed to care. They do it for ego and possibly because they have unfinished business.

I told my ex the night we split. I said to him do you wanna know what people say to me about you and your ex. Run for the hills. They've got unfinished business. He didn't like that. But that's what people said. He played games and I got hurt being dragged into their history.

Double3xposure · 07/05/2022 19:25

JaniceBattersby · 03/04/2022 23:32

A brush off would be ‘I’m sorry I’m in a relationship with someone else. This is inappropriate’ and then he would have blocked her number.

If he’s doing this after only a year, what’s he going to be like when you’ve got two kids and are a bit bogged down by life?

Ditch.

This. Throw this one back.

Original poster

Yellowgolden · 08/05/2022 19:38

Thank you all for your advice and sharing you experiences.

They split way before we met so over a year ago but they dwindled it out for a while and it was not that serious.
This is part of the reason why I am not sure if I should be too concerned as it was not a serious relationship between them therefore I can't imagine much emotion between them?

If he wanted her, he would still be with her, right?

OP posts:

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