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Original poster

Should I be concerned with his response? What would you expect your partner to say to this?

150 replies

Yellowgolden · 03/04/2022 23:28

I have found out (unintentionally and was not snooping) that my partner and his ex (they have no children nor mutual friends together) have been exchanging messages initiated always by her but he responds pleasantly.

The last message however was her saying she is always ready for him (in a sexual tone) with him responding "no you're not but you should be".

How would you feel about this? We have been together for a year (we have no children and are not married). Should I take this as just tongue and cheek on his behalf or should I be concerned?

Part of me feels it was a playful brush off, I mean what else could he have said?

I have mind fog at the moment. Please help me see this from an outside perspective.

OP posts:
moonbedazzled · 04/04/2022 02:40

That really wasn't a brush off. It was a come on !!

I had a much longer answer, but @RoundGlass's is shorter and much better.

Moser85 · 04/04/2022 02:44

Unfortunately it definitely wasn't a brush off. It's definitely a come on.

She said she's always ready for him....he's kind of calling her bluff saying nah that's not true or you'd have called me up for sex by now....but you should be ready because I can't wait to fuck you (basically).

Sorry OP but even if it's only talk for now I would consider this cheating!

CrumpetStrumpet · 04/04/2022 04:21

In the bin for this one.

He's shown you who he is. He can't be trusted. Overlook this and you'll be back here again soon with some other shitty things he's doneFlowers

Lysco · 04/04/2022 05:03

You have to ask him about it. In a trusting relationship there should be a willingness for him to be transparent with you, and you should not be afraid to ask him. You said there was a sexual tone - do written messages have a tone? Keep an open mind until he gives his explanation. I got into a similar situation a few years ago with an ex. I received enticing messages from him. At the time my relationship was heavily on the rocks. I responded, inappropriately. My OH found the messages and I defended myself, whilst accepting i had responded inappropriately. I’d not met nor was i planning to meet my ex, a fact that, in my head, i felt made it ok. I was flattered by the attention from my ex at the time, particularly as it came when i was feeling unloved and unhappy. I promised my OH that i would cut all communication. Which I did. Several months later i ended the relationship with OH. You certainly need to talk and sort it out. A good opportunity to find out what he is feeling and why. Does he want to be with you still etc. if so you need to build trust between each other. A relationship counsellor might help?

MissPattyGilmore · 04/04/2022 05:55

Very sensible advice from Lysco above - if everything else in your relationship is solid and you might want a long term future with him.

BUT : Huge red flags here, it is very inappropriate to be messaging like this. Most people will probably advise you to leave him. I definitely think you need to set his boundaries, it is very easy to go from here to full affair (especially if you hit a difficult patch). At best, he is encouraging her to stroke his ego and I strongly suggest he should stop all contact with her

Goneblank38 · 04/04/2022 06:07

It's a come on, not a brush off.

Life is way too short to out up with this nonsense, especially a year in. I'd move on.

RiaG91 · 04/04/2022 06:07

It sounds as though he's enjoying the additional attention / thrill of his ex being "ready for him".

If they've no commitments together, there's no need for them to be communicating. I appreciate some relationships end and people remain friends, but that type of message is inappropriate when in a relationship with another.

After just one year together, I'd be looking to end the relationship as there isn't going to be much trust after seeing that.

NativityDreaming · 04/04/2022 06:12

I wouldn’t waste another minute on him..

spotcheck · 04/04/2022 06:13

@Lysco
@MissPattyGilmore

After a year? Nah

NameGoesHere · 04/04/2022 06:37

No way would I accept that. ditch him.

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2022 06:41

[quote spotcheck]@Lysco
@MissPattyGilmore

After a year? Nah[/quote]
Totally agree. Tbh, I'm not so desperate for a relationship I'd put up with this at any stage.

I love my boyfriend but if I found our he'd had a similar exchange with anyone, I'd dump him without hesitation.

Vapeyvapevape · 04/04/2022 07:02

I wouldn't bother with counselling, this is him , he is being disrespectful and he probably knows it but doesn't care, otherwise he wouldn't be doing it. You really don't need counselling to tell a grown adult something he already knows is wrong but goes ahead anyway.

Herejustforthisone · 04/04/2022 09:37

This is horrible. You don’t deserve his contemptuous actions. Move on.

He’ll then probably up the flirting with his ex, they’ll have an ill-advised shag, inadvertently slip quickly back into the latter domestic nature of their previous relationship and promptly remember exactly why they broke up. At which point he’ll realise what he’s lost in you and you’ll be long gone, free and happy.

user1471538283 · 04/04/2022 09:52

She is lined up ready. I would leave him.

Thehundredthnamechange · 04/04/2022 12:22

Anyone would be concerned. It's very obvious flirting to the point of almost setting up a cheating scenario by letting each other know they're 100% up for it.

LoudParrot · 04/04/2022 12:26

I'm not a jealous person and I have no problem with my partner staying friends with an ex, but I wouldn't be happy about this.

Scbchl · 04/04/2022 12:30

Ask him why the fuck he is wasting your time when he and his ex are so clearly still into each other and then chuck him. If this isn't enough to make you run after only one year you need to look at your self esteem.

Quitelikeit · 04/04/2022 12:35

Absolutely shocking. Your dp clearly has a lack of respect for your relationship and a lack of regard to your feelings.

I bet if you dumped him he would be straight around her place.

She is just as bad messaging other people’s men!!

miltonj · 04/04/2022 13:09

'What else could he have said'

Literally so many other things.
He's flirting with his ex, but it's worse than that, he's openly telling her that he's willing to have sex with her.

billy1966 · 04/04/2022 13:45

@HellToTheNope

I would be out the door and down the hall already. Don't waste your life on a cheater.
This.

You are wasting your time.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 04/04/2022 13:52

Does his ex know that he is in a relationship ?

I bet he hasn't told her.....

He's sneaky. Get rid.

Imaysnapandfart · 04/04/2022 13:56

I would put money on the fact that some messages are deleted. He's kept the pleasant ones so that he can show you that it's all innocent, but hasn't got round to deleting that last one. I bet if you check again later it will be gone.

He's not over her, or he's stringing her along in case it doesn't work out with you - either way, RED FLAG ALERT! Get running OP.

HangingRock25 · 04/04/2022 14:36

Yes you certainly should be! The way I see it, he is basically saying that he is going to screw her and she better get ready. He is throwing himself back at her. It is so blatant, it's fucking disgusting! He is cheating garbage. He is not over his ex, he wants her and has told her. Cut your losses now before you get pregnant to him. He wants to fuck his ex, he's made that clear.

HollowTalk · 04/04/2022 14:39

@Lysco do written messages have a tone?

Of course they do! Have you never read a novel?

imsureineverdo · 04/04/2022 14:39

I wouldn't want my husband speaking to someone like that. With no commitment to him, I'd move on, you deserve better.

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