Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be concerned with his response? What would you expect your partner to say to this?

150 replies

Yellowgolden · 03/04/2022 23:28

I have found out (unintentionally and was not snooping) that my partner and his ex (they have no children nor mutual friends together) have been exchanging messages initiated always by her but he responds pleasantly.

The last message however was her saying she is always ready for him (in a sexual tone) with him responding "no you're not but you should be".

How would you feel about this? We have been together for a year (we have no children and are not married). Should I take this as just tongue and cheek on his behalf or should I be concerned?

Part of me feels it was a playful brush off, I mean what else could he have said?

I have mind fog at the moment. Please help me see this from an outside perspective.

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 04/04/2022 14:47

Not Appropriate at all. And before you think it, you are not over reacting.

I would dump a partner over that. Its very clear what he was implying, and its incredibly disrespectful to you.

They have no kids and no friends together. So ask yourself, why are they still in contact? I think her message and his reply reveals the answer to that one.

Move on and count yourself lucky you had a relatively early escape from this one.

SpringsSprung · 04/04/2022 16:07

He'd have a message saying his things are outside, then I'd block him and never EVER communicate or respond to him EVER again.

I must be nosey and ask how you saw these messages though? Just so that we can be prepared with a response when/if he inevitably tries to turn it around on you as being in the wrong for reading his messages! (They all seem to try this one)

Original poster
Yellowgolden · 04/04/2022 17:23

We never put a title on our relationship at first but recently things have progressed and we consider ourselves a couple (or at least I thought). I'm not interested in any other men as I'm so preoccupied with him as he is all I'm interested in. I thought he felt the same but is this even possible if he is entertaining someone else? Surely at this stage you are not interested in anyone else? Are men different in that aspect?

His ex does not know about us. I very much doubt he has told her and I don't see how she could find out any other way.

OP posts:
SpringsSprung · 04/04/2022 17:53

Oh so you're not even together? This is quite a drip feed OP!

Original poster
Yellowgolden · 04/04/2022 17:54

Yes we are together. Read the first paragraph.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yellowgolden · 04/04/2022 17:57

He has introduced me to his family and we consider ourselves a couple.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 04/04/2022 18:02

You're asking these questions like 'do men work differently?' As if you want to somehow justify the behaviour. If the 2 of you are in a couple then a sexual come on from another woman being responded to positively is absolutely not ok in a monogamous relationship. Come on! Imagine a friend was telling you this....would you be mulling it over? Hes disloyal and disrespectful and you have no reason to stick around for more of it

Original poster
Yellowgolden · 04/04/2022 18:29

To clarify - at the beginning (dating stage) we did not have a title as we were still getting to know eachother. We are now in a commitment relationship but I am now questioning him and our whole relationship.

OP posts:
Hausa · 04/04/2022 18:50

So, he’s flirting with his ex and you ‘very much doubt’ he’s told her that he’s in a relationship with you?

I don’t think you need us to tell you that this isn’t sounding like a healthy respectful relationship.

YawnAndTheyWillYawnToo · 04/04/2022 19:01

How did you see the messages of you weren’t snooping?

Original poster
Yellowgolden · 04/04/2022 19:09

How I seen the messages is not relevant at this point. I was not snooping nor did I have reason to (or so I thought).

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 04/04/2022 19:15

He hasn’t told the ex about you.

Says it all.
I’d move on op. He sounds like a typical arsehole.
And who cares if you snooped, good job you did, save wasting any more time on him.

Mummytobe93 · 04/04/2022 19:27

It’d be a game over for me

He keeps his options open with his ex

Original poster
Yellowgolden · 04/04/2022 21:57

If he still wants her then why is he not with her? This Is one of the reasons I first thought his response was a brush off.
It makes no sense.

I've still not addressed this with him. Gathering my thoughts first. I don't want to make a big fuss if there was nothing in it.

OP posts:
Hausa · 04/04/2022 22:08

@Yellowgolden

If he still wants her then why is he not with her? This Is one of the reasons I first thought his response was a brush off. It makes no sense.

I've still not addressed this with him. Gathering my thoughts first. I don't want to make a big fuss if there was nothing in it.

Does it matter? The fact remains that he’s flirting with his ex and you ‘very much doubt’ he’s told her that he’s in a relationship with you. Regardless of his motivations, do you consider any of this to be acceptable?
Original poster
Yellowgolden · 04/04/2022 22:14

In reality everyone flirts. Heck married couples even flirt! It does not mean they will act on it.

OP posts:
Hausa · 04/04/2022 22:21

Nope. People in healthy respectful relationships aren’t entertaining flirtatious or sexual messages from people who aren’t their partner. If you think this is normal, then you haven’t been in a healthy respectful relationship. Sorry.

You asked for people’s thoughts on this and you’ve been given them. What you choose to do is entirely up to you. If you choose to accept this, then I wish you the best of luck.

Walkingalot · 04/04/2022 22:47

Flirting isn't normal in a respectful relationship. Yes, some people are naturally flirty but they do this openly, usually within a group setting and everyone knows where they stand. It's not done behind your back.

LifeExperience · 04/04/2022 23:04

Happily married people do not flirt. And his reply to her was most definitely not a brush off.

lisaandalan · 04/04/2022 23:09

He'd be out the door. X

Loopytiles · 04/04/2022 23:15

‘We never put a title on our relationship at first’ Do you mean you were both dating other people as well?

‘Everyone flirts’: don’t think so, certainly not like that, while in a relationship,

‘ If he still wants her then why is he not with her?’ Loads of possible reasons! Eg he wants a main relationship whilst flirting or having sex with others too.

Mumof3confused · 04/04/2022 23:21

You’re making all sorts of excuses for his behaviour and when he tells you that you are overreacting, you may very well believe him.

A decent man does not hide his new girlfriend from an ex who he is very much in contact with. A decent man does not flirt or overstep the mark with other women to the point of letting them know sex is available whenever she wants it.

Do you think you deserve to be with a decent man?

Paddingtonthebear · 04/04/2022 23:28

He is messaging his ex.
She doesn’t know he is in a relationship.
He doesn’t know you know he is messaging her.

He’s doing alright out of this isn’t he..

He’s not that in to you, I’m afraid. It’s best to recognise the signs and end it now…walk away before he really shits on you.

supercali77 · 04/04/2022 23:29

Everyone is telling you its not a brush off! Stop making excuses. If you're going to stay with him anyway at least do it with your eyes open

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 04/04/2022 23:31

@Bookworm20 nails it here;

Move on and count yourself lucky you had a relatively early escape from this one.

Swipe left for the next trending thread