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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I be concerned with his response? What would you expect your partner to say to this?

150 replies

Yellowgolden · 03/04/2022 23:28

I have found out (unintentionally and was not snooping) that my partner and his ex (they have no children nor mutual friends together) have been exchanging messages initiated always by her but he responds pleasantly.

The last message however was her saying she is always ready for him (in a sexual tone) with him responding "no you're not but you should be".

How would you feel about this? We have been together for a year (we have no children and are not married). Should I take this as just tongue and cheek on his behalf or should I be concerned?

Part of me feels it was a playful brush off, I mean what else could he have said?

I have mind fog at the moment. Please help me see this from an outside perspective.

OP posts:

Luckingfovely · 04/04/2022 23:33

You asked if you should be concerned.

Virtually everyone has confirmed yes, you should be.

This is not how a man who is committed to you would behave.

And now you're making excuses for him.

You may well be back in a couple of years when he's cheated a hundred times and broken you completely - I really do hope not - but your responses make that seem likely, sadly.

BOOTS52 · 04/04/2022 23:35

I would not still be with him after seeing the messages. First of all he should not be messaging her and secondly those flirty sexual messages are not appropriate. They will end up sleeping together again if they have not done so already. He should have messaged her how he was in a relationship and a very happy one at that also. Dump him as he is not to be trusted and is obviously enjoying the flirty messages and gives him an ego boost. Do not waste your time on him as you deserve better. My trust would be gone and not someone would want to have a future with as he has shown his true character.

TheMoreYouKnow · 04/04/2022 23:58

Its overtly flirty and not appropriate. If mine did that he'd be out the door. If nothing has happened it soon will esp as she doesn't know about you. Theresa reason that she doesn't know about you. He doesn't want her to know. Sorry OP. It's not looking good.

SpringsSprung · 05/04/2022 00:42

@Yellowgolden I'm the nicest possible way - why come on here if you won't take on board a single opinion or piece of advice given to you?

DailySheetWasher · 05/04/2022 01:13

You know, you're allowed to have your own boundaries and if you're OK with no explicit commitment to fidelity and with someone who 'flirts' as long as they don't follow through, that's your decision.

Most people expect more - that doesn't necessarily mean you're in the wrong, but it's easy to see how you could get hurt here if you really care about this person and want to settle down with him.

Deliberately communicating that he's sexually available to others is a big thick red line for me - I'd find it horribly disrespectful to me whether I thought he really meant it and would act on it or not.

WTF475878237NC · 05/04/2022 01:50

What is confusing? It is perfectly possible that he sees her as a) the one that got away b) someone to have sex with if things get boring

People can be no good together as a couple but still have chemistry. Seems like he's still interested in her to me.

You need to raise your bar.

RantyAunty · 05/04/2022 02:55

Seems to me that he doesn't see this relationship as serious as you do.

CobraChicken · 05/04/2022 03:59

Wow. In your place I'd dump him pronto. That's not something I'd be looking for excuses to explain away. No one who felt that they were in a happy and committed relationship would message that to someone else. I know that you feel it's a serious relationship and you thought he was a longterm prospect, but he's not acting like he considers himself to be exclusive or committed to you 🙁

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 05/04/2022 04:11

Challenge him on it. Do you live together? Very difficult to get back trust once it's gone.

WhyOfCourse · 05/04/2022 04:21

Yes be concerned. He's not as committed as you think.

Original poster

Yellowgolden · 05/04/2022 09:11

Challenge him on it. Do you live together? Very difficult to get back trust once it's gone

We both have our own homes. I'm trying to figure the best way to challenge him on this.

OP posts:

Bookworm20 · 05/04/2022 09:31

@Yellowgolden

If he still wants her then why is he not with her? This Is one of the reasons I first thought his response was a brush off. It makes no sense.

I've still not addressed this with him. Gathering my thoughts first. I don't want to make a big fuss if there was nothing in it.

If he still wants her, why is he not with her? Because he doesn't want her in the sense of a partner perhaps, Or because she doesn't want him as a partner. But he sees her as an option for sex.
Lets say you had a massive row, given the messaging he is highly likely to head on over to hers for an ego boost and no strings sex. Thats the brutal truth. If he hasn't done so already.

He is keeping this contact with her purely as an option. Hes keeping her on the slow boil judging by the message response. And the sole reason he hasn't mentioned you to her. He wants her to think he is still available.

Committed partners do not hide them from their ex's or from anyone. How many times have we heard that the OW had no idea the bloke was in a committed relationship - its always, we're not serious, we're seperating/seperated.
Shes still messaging him, because she doesn't know about you. And he's enabling that and enjoying it.

So how do you go about addressing it.?
You ask him, casually, drop it into conversation. Is he still in contact with his ex?
bring it up under the context of you've found out your friend still messages her ex and you can't understand why, and ask him 'have you kept in contact with any of your exs?'
If he says no. Need you go any further, as thats all you need to know. He knows its wrong and hes prepared to lie to you to carry on the relationship with her.

If he says yes, well then theres your cue to ask who and how often and to see the messages.

Do not let him minimise it you and do not accept him telling you its 'none of your business, you're over reacting, you're over thinking. Theres nothing in it.' If there was nothing in it, then there should have been no reason to hide it. I mean does he hide the fact he messages his mate from the pub or barry from work?

WhyOfCourse · 05/04/2022 09:32

@Yellowgolden

Challenge him on it. Do you live together? Very difficult to get back trust once it's gone

We both have our own homes. I'm trying to figure the best way to challenge him on this.

You don't need to challenge him

Original poster

Yellowgolden · 05/04/2022 17:38

Thank you for your replies.
I know he is into me therefore I can't understand why he would respond to his ex in that way. As I mentioned earlier it is always her who messages him first. He does not message her, he just replies.

OP posts:

supercali77 · 05/04/2022 18:00

What exactly are you asking for here? Pretty much everyone is saying....his response is reason for concern.

He can be into you and also entertaining other options. Plan b. A door left ajar. A standby. Whatever you want to call it his response isn't a 'shut down'...and I think you know it otherwise why are you on a forum asking?

Original poster

Yellowgolden · 05/04/2022 18:06

You are right a man who does this does not consider himself to be in a exclusive commited relationship if he is keeping his options open.

I thought we had a future but he clearly is not as into me as I am him.

OP posts:

Vapeyvapevape · 05/04/2022 18:08

I know he is into me therefore I can't understand why he would respond to his ex in that way
He's responding in that way because he wants to encourage her , he isn't fully over her , he's paving the way for more explicit conversation and to maybe have sex with her and also because he disrespects you .

Original poster

Yellowgolden · 05/04/2022 18:09

I don't think it is over with his ex. Should I message her and tell her he has a partner? She should then back off and stop messaging him. He only messages her in response. If she did not message him then he would not have messaged her.

OP posts:

HangingRock25 · 05/04/2022 18:12

@Yellowgolden

Yes @Yellowgolden You definitely should message her. Tell her you are his partner and you "find your messages to him to be inappropriate".

Original poster

Yellowgolden · 05/04/2022 18:14

Yes@YellowgoldenYou definitely should message her. Tell her you are his partner and you "find your messages to him to be inappropriate"

But he hasn't told her about us therefore I can't blame her. In reality it is him.

OP posts:

grapewines · 05/04/2022 18:19

[quote spotcheck]@Lysco
@MissPattyGilmore

After a year? Nah[/quote]
Exactly. No chance.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/04/2022 18:21

@Yellowgolden

But do you want to be with someone whose behaviour means you have to warn off other women - because if you don't, you know he'll exchange inappropriate messages with them?

He's not trustworthy or on the same page as you. Removing her from the equation doesn't change those things.

supercali77 · 05/04/2022 18:21

Exactly OP. The issue is not her, its him. Don't message her, she'll only go and ask him about it....as anyone would. I would personally leave him to it. I cannot stand any kind of disloyalty. But if you're going to stick with him (raise your self esteem) then don't play games. Ask him about his relationship with her, say whats acceptable/not acceptable to you.

Bookworm20 · 05/04/2022 18:29

Yes, so he only replies.

But he DOES reply.

Therein lies the problem.

MNCar · 05/04/2022 18:32

Your problem is him not her.

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