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Original poster

Should I be concerned with his response? What would you expect your partner to say to this?

150 replies

Yellowgolden · 03/04/2022 23:28

I have found out (unintentionally and was not snooping) that my partner and his ex (they have no children nor mutual friends together) have been exchanging messages initiated always by her but he responds pleasantly.

The last message however was her saying she is always ready for him (in a sexual tone) with him responding "no you're not but you should be".

How would you feel about this? We have been together for a year (we have no children and are not married). Should I take this as just tongue and cheek on his behalf or should I be concerned?

Part of me feels it was a playful brush off, I mean what else could he have said?

I have mind fog at the moment. Please help me see this from an outside perspective.

OP posts:
iRun2eatCake · 05/04/2022 18:43

@Yellowgolden

I don't think it is over with his ex. Should I message her and tell her he has a partner? She should then back off and stop messaging him. He only messages her in response. If she did not message him then he would not have messaged her.
No. I'd have some self respect and realise that DP is a sleaze and ditch him rather then hope his ex would back off

He'll just find another girl to have waiting in the wings

Redglitter · 05/04/2022 18:47

You've only been together a year. Don't invest any more time on him, he'll end up cheating on you, probably with her

Kinneddar · 05/04/2022 18:49

Should I message her and tell her he has a partner? She should then back off and stop messaging him

ABSOLUTELY NOT! That's something he should have done & the fact he hasn't speaks volumes.

wishingitwasfriday · 05/04/2022 18:58

@Yellowgolden

Thank you for your replies. I know he is into me therefore I can't understand why he would respond to his ex in that way. As I mentioned earlier it is always her who messages him first. He does not message her, he just replies.
But by replying to her he is messaging her. He may not start the conversation, but he's not stopping it. If she doesn't know about you, and I can't understand why she doesn't after a year together, then it is a boyfriend problem that you have. If he's doing this after a year then he'll continue to do it.
Frankola · 05/04/2022 20:20

Telling her she "should be ready" for his sexual advances?

Erm. 👨👎🗑

waterrat · 05/04/2022 21:38

Don't even think about messaging her. He is the one who has a commitment to you ! He is flirting. Its clearly wrong

BOOTS52 · 05/04/2022 22:08

I would not message her at all as he is the one who is in the relationship with you and you do not know what else has been sent in messages as sure he deletes most of them. You cannot be in a relationship and always worrying if he is being inappropriate with other women, whether it is exes or anyone else. That would just eat you up and make you feel insecure and relationships should not make you feel like that. Learn about boundaries and red flags and read up on it as these are all signs that he is not a trustworthy man and sounds slimey to be honest. As you said you think she does not know he is in a relationship but even if you did it is him who is meant to be with you so you need to decide what you are going to do. You talk to him then he says you are the insecure one for looking at messages so gaslights you into it being all your fault, you stay together and a while down the line you find out he never stopped texting her. Cut your losses. Save you a lot of grief to be honest. You really sound like it is not a big deal to you, we are all just trying to give you advise as you deserve better.

Original poster
Yellowgolden · 11/04/2022 13:57

I have decided not to address the message exchange on this occasion as things are going great between us and I don't want to create tension between us while things are going well. However anymore then I will be speaking to him and will be willing to walk.

If he was that keen he would have been back in touch with her or her him.

OP posts:
me4real · 11/04/2022 16:16

If he still wants her then why is he not with her?

He's not shagging her yet.

In reality everyone flirts

I don't think so @Yellowgolden . At least not enough to tell someone she should be up for shagging him at all times.

If he was that keen he would have been back in touch with her or her him.

They haven't been back in touch yet. Plus it's the principle of the thing- this is not ok while he's in a relationship with you.

2Gen · 11/04/2022 16:20

LTB before you get in any deeper!
You've no ties to him, he's untrustworthy! RUN!
Sorry!

me4real · 11/04/2022 17:42

The last message however was her saying she is always ready for him (in a sexual tone)

What would you expect your partner to say to this?

'I've been in a relationship with a lovely woman called Yellow for a year.'

totallyoutnumbered · 11/04/2022 20:19

Nope. Not on at all. My DP's ex reached out recently. He told me straight away and showed me the message. His response was "I'm in a very happy and committed relationship, it's inappropriate for you to contact me". I didn't even want to see his response tbh as I trust him implicitly. Something I never thought I'd do after a 10 year marriage full of cheating and gaslighting. You deserve so much more OP x

SistersRdoingit4themselves · 11/04/2022 20:50

Fuck him off

Original poster
Yellowgolden · 11/04/2022 21:43

Thanks for the responses. I see it as a one off and I don't believe he has though about it since nor though about her since. However I'm fully aware that I'm not a mind reader.

OP posts:
Didimum · 11/04/2022 21:57

Wow, OP. Why do you have such low standards for yourself? Please ask yourself this question. This is absolutely sub par treatment. Do you not think you deserve more than this?

Sn0tnose · 11/04/2022 21:58

I have decided not to address the message exchange on this occasion as things are going great between us and I don't want to create tension between us while things are going well

He’s told his ex that she should be ready to be intimate with him. This is not an example of a great relationship. Having had non-existent self esteem previously, I do completely understand why you wouldn’t want to confront him, but why don’t you think you deserve better than this? Why don’t you feel you deserve to be treated with love and respect?

HangingRock25 · 11/04/2022 22:03

You must be desperate, OP. It's sad you have no self-respect.

simoncowellsdog · 11/04/2022 22:15

Ewww I'd think he was a massive creep and he'd be in the bin

Absolutely not a brush off, this sleaze is loving having his exes attention while knowing he's got you too.

If you don't dump him now, you'll be back on here in a few months saying he's shagged her

JustKittenAround · 12/04/2022 02:08

The bar gets lower and lower….

OP please look into why you’d accept this treatment. Basically he has a back burner chick which shows that:

  1. Things are NOT going great in your relationship. They aren’t. You are blind! Happy partners don’t do this crap. He doesn’t see you as enough for him, he wants more from others.
  1. He doesn’t see you as a long term option. People don’t have others on the back burner because they believe they are going to build a future with their primary partner.

Oh well waste more time on him… you’ll be back here crying cuz he left you for someone or gave you some sort of STD. All because you couldn’t take the very advice you sought…..all that for some man you’ve only been with a year…..yikes…

Debsdonein · 12/04/2022 02:21

Very inappropriate. Don't waste anymore time on this man.

CandyLeBonBon · 12/04/2022 02:30

Oh dear.

totallyoutnumbered · 12/04/2022 10:53

I've been thinking about this thread again. The bar is so low with so many people. I was one of those people so no judgment. I'm older, wiser, scarred but not broken thankfully. Counselling after 1 year together is absolutely mental in my opinion. My new motto after years of terrible treatment from my EXH is "if you're doing anything you wouldn't want me to find out about" it is cheating. Sexting, not brushing off advances, secret meet ups, anything at all physical. My 22 year old goddaughter is going through something similar and I gave her the same advice. What I wish my 25 year old self had known would have saved me so much heartache

totallyoutnumbered · 12/04/2022 10:59

@Yellowgolden

In reality everyone flirts. Heck married couples even flirt! It does not mean they will act on it.
No. No they don't OP. I'm not interested in flirting with another man and I know how my DP feels about this too. He calls it shithousery behaviour which it is
mycatisannoying · 12/04/2022 11:00

What a pair of cunts they truly are. They deserve each other, so leave them to it Thanks

Lostsoul91 · 12/04/2022 12:21

Oh I would have binned this one off. My EX was like this unknown to me. I found messages going back to when we were first together messaging his ex, unfortunately I had children with him as I never knew this.

Needless to say he continued to do it and was very sly with it all. I found it all in the end but wish I hadn't wasted my time