I'm not sure if I'm attracted enough to him - does it matter?

[isitaproblemorisitnot]

I'm seeing someone who I get along really well with and enjoy his company but I'm a bit worried I'm not as attracted to him as I should be.

Emotionally we connect so well, his personality is perfect to me and we both have the same sense of humour and can talk for hours whether serious or silly topics.

He treats me totally differently to how my ex did and is very affectionate, does nice things for me all the time and makes an effort. He is very into me so I guess it's possible he likes me more than I do him. He has told me he loves me but I haven't said it back yet.

We have sex and it's good sex, but I don't find myself lusting after him or looking at him and thinking 'he is so hot'. He's not unattractive though and we are very affectionate together, I just don't obsess over him in that way like I have with previous partners.

He's not the most stylish but is actually very confident and I'd say I'm the lesser confident one but he always reassures me. Is this a problem? Could my affection continue to grow? Does it matter that much if he ticks all my boxes and we still have good sex?

I'm feeling really conflicted!

We do have a connection, and I do enjoy sex with him. We both initiate, he probably does so a lot more than me. He has a very high libido though.

I guess I have recognised me having a higher libido in the past with others than I do with him. But I do still want to sleep with him and enjoy it when I do. I have sometimes found myself fantasising about a previous partner during sex with him though.. is that a red flag or is it quite normal?

I feel like on a deeper level he gets me like nobody else ever has. I can tell him anything and he never judges me but I also feel like I'm on a pedestal and never have been in a relationship anymore. I do feel like he is more invested than I am right now and it's often been the other way round.

I'm not looking for obsession for sure, I don't want an unhealthy dynamic. Sometimes I fancy him and other times less so.. he has mentioned it before so I think he has picked up on it at times.

I love being in his company, we can chat for ages, he takes care of me when I'm struggling and has supported me through a lot, as have I for him. I don't have the ick.. I just don't have a strong desire for him. I can be very jealous in relationships, and I guess I'm more content with him which could be considered a good thing and a healthier dynamic, or is it because I'm just less attached to him than I should be?

I can't figure it out.

That should say never have been on a pedestal in a relationship before (not anymore)

Eek. No. I've done this, tried to almost force the attraction. It shouldn't be like that. Like you, the guy was perfect! Lovely, kind, sweet, attractive enough but I did not get those lustful butterflies... and I think, early on in a relationship, they have to be there!!

Ps. The ick can come very easily when you feel like this.

@isitaproblemorisitnot

We do have a connection, and I do enjoy sex with him. We both initiate, he probably does so a lot more than me. He has a very high libido though.

I guess I have recognised me having a higher libido in the past with others than I do with him. But I do still want to sleep with him and enjoy it when I do. I have sometimes found myself fantasising about a previous partner during sex with him though.. is that a red flag or is it quite normal?

I feel like on a deeper level he gets me like nobody else ever has. I can tell him anything and he never judges me but I also feel like I'm on a pedestal and never have been in a relationship anymore. I do feel like he is more invested than I am right now and it's often been the other way round.

I'm not looking for obsession for sure, I don't want an unhealthy dynamic. Sometimes I fancy him and other times less so.. he has mentioned it before so I think he has picked up on it at times.

I love being in his company, we can chat for ages, he takes care of me when I'm struggling and has supported me through a lot, as have I for him. I don't have the ick.. I just don't have a strong desire for him. I can be very jealous in relationships, and I guess I'm more content with him which could be considered a good thing and a healthier dynamic, or is it because I'm just less attached to him than I should be?

I can't figure it out.

@isitaproblemorisitnot - I think if you think of someone else sometimes during sex, like an ex, that’s not great but sometimes it can’t be helped.

Desire passes too.

It depends what you want longterm. If you want someone you find attractive and for it not to pass or not much then ditch this man and find someone else. If you can put up with all you’ve written so far then keep him.

I will say, at my age, 50, it gets harder to find nice guys as well as nice guys you have chemistry with, so that’s why I’m sticking with my boyfriend for now. But you don’t have to stick with anyone you’re not 100% attracted to.