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Original poster

I'm not sure if I'm attracted enough to him - does it matter?

30 replies

isitaproblemorisitnot · 03/04/2022 12:38

I'm seeing someone who I get along really well with and enjoy his company but I'm a bit worried I'm not as attracted to him as I should be.

Emotionally we connect so well, his personality is perfect to me and we both have the same sense of humour and can talk for hours whether serious or silly topics.

He treats me totally differently to how my ex did and is very affectionate, does nice things for me all the time and makes an effort. He is very into me so I guess it's possible he likes me more than I do him. He has told me he loves me but I haven't said it back yet.

We have sex and it's good sex, but I don't find myself lusting after him or looking at him and thinking 'he is so hot'. He's not unattractive though and we are very affectionate together, I just don't obsess over him in that way like I have with previous partners.

He's not the most stylish but is actually very confident and I'd say I'm the lesser confident one but he always reassures me. Is this a problem? Could my affection continue to grow? Does it matter that much if he ticks all my boxes and we still have good sex?

I'm feeling really conflicted!

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 03/04/2022 12:42

Chemistry is important but so is niceness and being treated well in a relationship.

To be honest I’m sort of having similar issues in a newish relationship. I like him, fancy him but he’s very demonstrative and touchy feely which is nice but I sometimes feel I have to fend him off! We have chemistry though!

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2022 12:52

Ijust don't obsess over him in that way like I have with previous partners.

And those relationships didn't work, did they?

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

It sounds good so why not give something different a go..?

You may find iut it's just what you need.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/04/2022 12:53

if you aren't attracted to him now you never will be. Can you live with that forever.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/04/2022 12:53

I am guessing that your ex treated you very poorly or abusively i.e. nice/nasty, hot and cold all the bloody time. If so that was a toxic relationship and that has left you with a host of insecurities. Your ex may have left you feeling that you're not good enough, and you will never be loved by a generous and loving man.

You're now being treated like you actually deserve to be treated.

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2022 12:54

I don't think that overwhelming lust is necessarily a good thing. It doesn't guarantee a good relationship and something more constant might be better in the long term.

Bailey48 · 03/04/2022 12:55

Don't do it I did and 13 years later have 2 kids and a house

FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 12:56

How would you feel if someone felt the same about you?

Original poster
isitaproblemorisitnot · 03/04/2022 13:13

Feeling even more confused now! Confused 50/50!

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 03/04/2022 13:26

I think the most pertinent question for me would be...

Are you attracted to him? Enjoy having sex with him? Enjoy his company? Gel with him? Do you fancy him?

Or would being with him mean you'd be settling for someone you don't fancy, irritates you and don't find attractive but he's better than your ex and a better long term prospect?

Or is it that you do find him attractive but just don't have that overwhelming obsessive thinking about him etc?

I fancy my boyfriend and love having sex with him, he's kind, loyal, decent, compassionate, caring etc but I don't have that overwhelming lust at just being in his presence like I did with the man I dated before him. I still feel 'drawn' to him now when I see him and yet he is objectively a dick!

Chemistry is important but it is not the only thing and is not an indicator of a good man, a good match or a good relationship. It's literally just chemistry.

PlainJaneEyre · 03/04/2022 13:29

@isitaproblemorisitnot what is your goal with a relationship ? Long term? Marriage?

pinkprettyroses · 03/04/2022 13:31

I was in a relationship like this. After a year I was repulsed by him and even him touching me made me feel sick.

anewlife22 · 03/04/2022 13:33

You have to be honest with yourself about the attraction because jt can grow but if you're feeling the ick early on that's not going to go

jelly79 · 03/04/2022 13:34

Oh are older and more experienced than when you started seeing your exes. Obsessing and lusting isn't important, it's not healthy. If you are attracted to him then that's good.

If you are looking for someone to be obsessed with I don't think that's healthy

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2022 13:38

@anewlife22

You have to be honest with yourself about the attraction because jt can grow but if you're feeling the ick early on that's not going to go
She hasn't said she has the ink though. They have sex and she enjoys it. She just doesn't obsess about him as she has done previously.

I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing tbh... in fact, it's desirable.

It might just be that this is a very different sort of (healthier) dynamic.

Only she will know that though 🤷🏻‍♀️

lanawinters · 03/04/2022 13:40

Yes. It matters.
You need the oomph...
... otherwise you'll get the 'ick' and all will be doomed.
Especially your friendship with this chap.

AubadeIsIt · 03/04/2022 13:41

[quote PlainJaneEyre]@isitaproblemorisitnot what is your goal with a relationship ? Long term? Marriage?[/quote]
This.

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2022 13:42

@lanawinters

Yes. It matters. You need the oomph... ... otherwise you'll get the 'ick' and all will be doomed. Especially your friendship with this chap.
Tbh, I've had the 'oomph' and still got the ick!

Many times...

For me, how someone behaves and what you learn about them is far more important than just having the lust.

MrsGHarrison87 · 03/04/2022 13:45

How long has it been? I think sometimes attraction can grow and it isn't always instant but there has to be a little spark or chemistry there.
I wasn't attracted to my ex at all and that was one of the reasons I ended it. He was a horrible person though. Maybe if he had been nicer I would have felt more of an attraction. But since being with my husband who I'm hugely attracted to it's made me realise how important it is to me.

gannett · 03/04/2022 14:16

There has to be some chemistry/spark/attraction in place for relationships to work. But it doesn't have to be the sort of obsessive attraction that sends you reeling - and just being led by that all-consuming lust can actually be unhealthy.

I much prefer the constant, reliable, even-keeled feelings I have for DP over the fireworks and crazy passions I've felt in the past. I don't trust the fireworks one little bit. I wonder if you've had some of those feelings in the past, and you're mistaking the absence of them for the absence of real attraction.

However it's equally important that there's SOMETHING there. You don't have to be obsessing over someone to have a spark, but it has to exist - even if in just a quiet, contented kind of way. Where you fall on this spectrum only you can say.

Discountclaimed · 03/04/2022 14:19

That type of relationship is exciting in your youth- all the drama is like a drug. But trust me, when you have to work, cook, clan and especially if you have kids you will just want someone cheerful and low maintenance. Lust fades anyway. If he ticks all the other boxes, go for it

CordeliaBrideshead · 03/04/2022 14:23

The Buddhists day of you get butterflies and feel hot and sweaty about a partner that's not the one.

You should just feel real peace and contentment.

I've always gone for good looking men but it seems to bring unwanted consequences. Their ego. The unkindness. The sense of entitlement.

I'm single at the moment but I like the sound of what you have. I'd like to be cherished and loved and appreciated.

Enjoy him.

Lpc3 · 03/04/2022 14:23

I'm in the exact same situation albeit the sexes are reversed. I'm just going along with it for now and will see how it pans out. I just hope I don't string her along in the process.

PonyPatter44 · 03/04/2022 15:21

I agree with the PP above who pointed out that he doesn't make you feel like your previous boyfriends, who didn't work out. You haven't got a bad word to say about him, he sounds lovely- but you're worried that he's boring, even though you enjoy his company and he makes you laugh.

I'd stick with him, quite honestly, unless you're so desperate for high drama that you're going to make his life miserable just to get your drama fix. There is a lot to be said for having a good kind man who loves you deeply. If you want adrenaline, learn a new extreme sport!

Arucanafeather · 03/04/2022 15:53

Turn the question round. How would you feel if he was with someone else?

Changemaname1 · 03/04/2022 15:58

Don’t do it ! It absolutely does matter. It’s possible to have both - the lusting and the nice decent guy .

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