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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cut off a lot in relationship due to depression

126 replies

Charliec12 · 01/04/2022 19:42

I have been dating a guy for 6 months totally fell for him to be honest but he has depression and cuts me off when he is bad for a few days at a time. This week has been really bad as he has come off of his anti depressants as they are meaning he has no emotions and he has not spoken to me all week as he has turned his phone off. He told me when I saw him a week ago that he cuts off to handle it and doesn’t talk to anyone. First of all how am I anyone when he can sleep with me, tell me he loves me and tell me I make him smile? Yesterday I drove to his house in my lunch break he didn’t answer the door even though I was shouting through the letterbox. Today I took a day off work so we could spend the day together. He didn’t even have his phone on all day so we couldn’t meet. It is leaving me feel heartbroken when he cuts off, now he has had his phone off for a week. What would your advice be?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2022 19:48

Live your life without him in it. If he restarts contact do not reply.

He is in no position to be in a relationship with anyone and it was unfair of him to at all bring you into his life. If this is what it is like after a mere six months it’s not going to improve any.

Crimeismymiddlename · 01/04/2022 19:55

You have only been together six months and he really does not sound like he is capable of being with anyone. It was cruel of him to start seeing you but if it is this heart breaking six months in imagine a year down the line we’re he can’t be bothered to put your needs equal to his.
Good relationships are not hard, and don’t need fighting for.

gamerchick · 01/04/2022 19:58

He's not emotionally able to have a healthy relationship OP. This one is a none starter. Sorry man.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 01/04/2022 20:16

I am really annoyed that he has come off of his anti depressants as I have been trying to help him for months and he did that and did not tell me and now he is in a worse situation. He is 41 lives at home never seems to have any money and is in his room a lot playing video games despite all of that I am so fond of him :( But the cutting off business is awful especially if he claims to be so in to me as he is

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 01/04/2022 20:18

To not answer the door to me yesterday makes me feel so sad then today not seeing me. I know it is not personal and the mess in his head. It was his birthday yesterday and he stayed in his room at home a lot and that is it

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 01/04/2022 20:24

I have 2 children and can’t always see him a lot like recently they had covid so I didn’t see him for a few weeks and he said that is no good for him

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 01/04/2022 20:27

I am spending hours waiting for him to call me or message back then nothing. I know he is not talking to anyone as his phone has been off but still :(

OP posts:
pastypirate · 01/04/2022 20:30

Ffs end it right now and I mean that in the kindest possible way

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2022 20:35

Do not bring someone like him further into your life or going forward that of your childrens. Concentrate your efforts on you and your kids instead, this would be a far better use of your time.

Why have you tried to help someone like this, he does not want your help or support and you are not in any way at all qualified to help him. Don’t be a rescuer or saviour here, being either in a relationship anyway does not work.

DragonOverTheMoon · 01/04/2022 20:36

This isn't a healthy happy relationship. That takes two healthy emotionally available people. Relationships should flow and be easy.

Just crack on with your life OP and don't waste it on this man.

A good book to helo you see is called should I stay or shoukd I go by Lundy Bancroft. If you go on scribd you can have a months free trial and read it on their app. There's a part in there about MH reasons for why they treat you badly (he is treating you badly). Give it a go.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2022 20:37

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Why is your relationship bar this low that you’re acting like a teenager around this cruel man?. Stop wasting your time getting further sucked into his dead end existence.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2022 20:39

I would also suggest you read Women who love too much written by Robin Norwood.

blueshoes · 01/04/2022 20:46

Run for the hills. Time waster.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 01/04/2022 20:52

I have known him 24 years but we have always been friends but only recently it we have explored more if a friendship and I have spent months trying to help him thinking that I am and things would get better but to cut me off at the moment for pratically 2 weeks feels awful :( I am not sure if I should tell him
how down this makes me feel I don’t think it is worth it as he is so down

OP posts:
DragonOverTheMoon · 01/04/2022 21:06

No because he can't change it or be a present person in your relationship. You don't need to tell him your feelings. Crack on with your life, when he pops up tell him that whilst you think he's great he's obviously unwell and can't meet your needs for a relationship and that you hope in time you can be back friends and that you hope he gets some help. But cut it off and move on.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 07:12

Thanks for your advice I think a lot of this is my fault as I was ready to commit to a relationship with him fully but then I found out he doesn’t always go to work and see’s his ex a lot like he goes round her house until 5 am in the morning and apparently they are just friends. That sort of stuff started bothering me a lot but I really like him but am concerned maybe I am making his depression bad but to cut me off a lot I am not sure I could handle long term. If I am causing his depression maybe that is why

OP posts:
lomoloko · 02/04/2022 07:14

You are not causing his depression.

You are not actually causing any of his life. You are not central to his life. Don't make him central to yours.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 07:19

But I committed more to him maybe that would help. I have doubts but was prepared to work through them with him but maybe me being indecisive has triggered this. He could tell me that though

OP posts:
DragonOverTheMoon · 02/04/2022 07:31

Honestly why are you doing this to yourself. I bet you don't listen to any advice on here and you waste years of your life trying to get him to be the man you want him to be. Just stop it. Get some counselling and help for yourself.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 07:53

I am listening and taking all of the advice in which I appreciate. When you love someone it is not that easy to give up on them but I am taking the advice in for sure :)

OP posts:
DragonOverTheMoon · 02/04/2022 08:02

It's even worse to give up on yourself and abandon you over some guy. And he is just some guy. It's not love, it's attachment and you are tying your self worth on how this guy acts towards you. Go and do a fuck load of nice things for yourself this month. Make plans with your friends. Go on Meetup and do something you wouldn't normally do. Have fun, you sound like you havent had fun in a long time.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2022 08:04

I think you are confusing love here with codependency. Why are his needs here seemingly more important than your own?. He is not your project nor yours to try and rescue and or save.

I also think you do not know this man as well as you think you do.

sweetbellyhigh · 02/04/2022 08:11

Oh my god, don't be such a rescuer. You really need to look up the drama triangle and find your way out of it.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 08:27

@DragonOverTheMoon

It's even worse to give up on yourself and abandon you over some guy. And he is just some guy. It's not love, it's attachment and you are tying your self worth on how this guy acts towards you. Go and do a fuck load of nice things for yourself this month. Make plans with your friends. Go on Meetup and do something you wouldn't normally do. Have fun, you sound like you havent had fun in a long time.
You are right there I haven’t had much fun for ages. Gone from an unhappy marriage to thinking this was the right person for me :(
OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 02/04/2022 08:31

I wonder if the anti depressants are simply code for “I’m actually a self-absorbed arsehole”. Move on.

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