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Original poster

Cut off a lot in relationship due to depression

126 replies

Charliec12 · 01/04/2022 19:42

I have been dating a guy for 6 months totally fell for him to be honest but he has depression and cuts me off when he is bad for a few days at a time. This week has been really bad as he has come off of his anti depressants as they are meaning he has no emotions and he has not spoken to me all week as he has turned his phone off. He told me when I saw him a week ago that he cuts off to handle it and doesn’t talk to anyone. First of all how am I anyone when he can sleep with me, tell me he loves me and tell me I make him smile? Yesterday I drove to his house in my lunch break he didn’t answer the door even though I was shouting through the letterbox. Today I took a day off work so we could spend the day together. He didn’t even have his phone on all day so we couldn’t meet. It is leaving me feel heartbroken when he cuts off, now he has had his phone off for a week. What would your advice be?

OP posts:
chisanunian · 02/04/2022 18:59

@Charliec12

Thanks all some great advice here. I thought all of this was red flags but part of me is also thinking is it depression too. It is a case of both but no good for me when I have tried to help and I have 2 little people to think about :)
Whether or not he has depression is irrelevant.

This relationship is no good for you. Don't martyr yourself.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 19:35

@Moser85

I get like this when I'm depressed. It's one of the reasons I don't date. I think it's selfish to date if you have issues like this that you aren't trying your best to deal with.

However you are both in the relationship now, from his point of view if someone showed up at my door when I wasn't up for talking to anyone that would be my worst nightmare.

The cutting off is not personal, it's just dealing with people is overwhelming. While I would respond to a message because I wouldn't want someone to worry about me, the last thing I actually want is to tell someone how I am really....and then it's almost worse if I have a good day and then a bad day again as I feel like I disappoint people or let them down. Makes me feel weak and embarrassed, but that is how depression twists some peoples thoughts!! I know some people talk and like support but others completely shut down.

There's other red flags with him however, staying at his exes until 5am?
What's he borrowing money from you for? His living expenses are surely at a minimum if he's living with his parents.

I really can't see this relationship working out as it is and you need to look after yourself!

Apparently they are just really good friends and she has told her current boyf that he will always come first which is odd as they are such good friends. As he isn’t always going to work he asks to borrow money
OP posts:
theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 02/04/2022 20:47

Really good friends my arse

I'm denying he's got depression but it can be a very convenient excuse for some men- they can disappear and withdraw whenever they want with no comebacks and get unlimited sympathy and allowances

Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 21:16

@theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity

Really good friends my arse

I'm denying he's got depression but it can be a very convenient excuse for some men- they can disappear and withdraw whenever they want with no comebacks and get unlimited sympathy and allowances

Maybe but he doing stuff like not going to work even with his Dad so loosing money too
OP posts:
Moser85 · 02/04/2022 22:22

Apparently they are just really good friends and she has told her current boyf that he will always come first which is odd as they are such good friends. As he isn’t always going to work he asks to borrow money

Of course it's odd. People can sometimes be friends with exes but the friendships generally have to be cooled if they want their new relationships to work. It's basic respect.
What's he spending the money on though if he's just at home?

Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 07:42

@Moser85

Apparently they are just really good friends and she has told her current boyf that he will always come first which is odd as they are such good friends. As he isn’t always going to work he asks to borrow money

Of course it's odd. People can sometimes be friends with exes but the friendships generally have to be cooled if they want their new relationships to work. It's basic respect.
What's he spending the money on though if he's just at home?

When we started getting serious he told me he loves her and would do anything for her and I said great and he said no not love her like that. His Dad doesn’t think he is over her either as they were on and off for years. He said to me he wanted to get back wit her but she wouldn’t get back with him. I found out recently he is spending £400 a month on cocaine :(
OP posts:
GregBrawlsInDogJail · 03/04/2022 08:15

I have the feeling we're all talking to the wall here, and what you're really in love with is that idea that you can fix him.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 08:16

@GregBrawlsInDogJail

I have the feeling we're all talking to the wall here, and what you're really in love with is that idea that you can fix him.
No I appreciate all of the advice it is great and yes thought I could fix him :)
OP posts:
theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 03/04/2022 09:12

Brilliant! So he's a cokehead who's obsessed with his ex and has stopped taking his meds prescribed from the docs?

A champion limbo dancer couldn't get as low as your self esteem. Wtf are you doing chasing this fool?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/04/2022 09:17

As soon as you said he was borrowing money I knew there'd be drugs or drink involved.

You can't save him from himself OP. You're not a professional and besides he doesn't WANT to be helped. His parents are enabling him - keeping a roof over his head, giving him or facilitating employment - which he still can't be bothered to attend! - and until he gets a sharp lesson in reality, he's never going to change.

You can be his friend, but you can't be his saviour, teddy bear, fuck doll and therapist. Detach with love is the key here.

SecretDoor · 03/04/2022 09:39

www.talktofrank.com/drug/cocaine

Long term cocaine use causes depression.

What he is actually doing to help himself?

Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 12:41

@theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity

Brilliant! So he's a cokehead who's obsessed with his ex and has stopped taking his meds prescribed from the docs?

A champion limbo dancer couldn't get as low as your self esteem. Wtf are you doing chasing this fool?

He has only changed in the last 2 weeks as he has come off his meds before that it was more plain sailing
OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 12:48

@SecretDoor

https://www.talktofrank.com/drug/cocaine

Long term cocaine use causes depression.

What he is actually doing to help himself?

Nothing really coming off his meds which has thrown him in to more depression and caused him to cut off from everyone for weeks on end
OP posts:
GregBrawlsInDogJail · 03/04/2022 12:48

yes thought I could fix him

I don't have the grace to phrase this more tactfully: how come you didn't grow out of that delusion about fifteen years ago like most people?

The important and helpful question here isn't what's up with him. He's a garden-variety manchild who will sort himself out one day, or not, when he stops being enabled. The question that can actually help you is, what is your damage that you ever considered him a serious prospect?

Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 12:51

Thanks all I just have to deal with it really despite the hurt this is causing me. I have never been so involved with someone before for them to just cut me off. I know it is not personal but it really hurts. It’s not hard to say if he wanted to end things really rather than just cut me dead :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 13:04

@GregBrawlsInDogJail

yes thought I could fix him

I don't have the grace to phrase this more tactfully: how come you didn't grow out of that delusion about fifteen years ago like most people?

The important and helpful question here isn't what's up with him. He's a garden-variety manchild who will sort himself out one day, or not, when he stops being enabled. The question that can actually help you is, what is your damage that you ever considered him a serious prospect?

He has generally been stable maybe cut me off for the odd day or 2 but has turned in to a different person in the last fortnight as he has come off of his anti depressants
OP posts:
chisanunian · 03/04/2022 13:06

@Charliec12

Thanks all I just have to deal with it really despite the hurt this is causing me. I have never been so involved with someone before for them to just cut me off. I know it is not personal but it really hurts. It’s not hard to say if he wanted to end things really rather than just cut me dead :(
He is a drug addict. It's not personal, it's the drugs talking.

Please, please don't waste any more of your head space or time on this relationship. If he ever gets clean, then maybe think again, but I'm sorry to say that you really must end it - for your own sanity if nothing else.

sausagesandchamp · 03/04/2022 14:07

So are you going to stay with him? Will he move in? And your girls possibly moved out? How exactly do you see this playing out for the best?

Dontbeme · 03/04/2022 14:26

I feel incredibly sorry for your two children, you seem hell bent on bringing an unstable drug addict into their lives, all this time, effort, money and emotional support you spunk on this guy could be used by your kids.

Pinkdelight3 · 03/04/2022 14:49

It's not just about him coming off his meds in the last two weeks though. He's got a £400 a month coke habit. However 'recently' this came to light, you seem to have taken it in your stride and got more miffed about him not being around for your day off/£60 birthday gift. There's something weird going on with your response to him that still feels out of whack. To fixate on him saying how you make him smile - what genuine currency does that have at all in world where he takes £400 of coke, bought partly with money borrowed from you?? I don't know if we're talking to a wall exactly, but you need to get some proper help to sort your perspective and get this guy out of your life for good.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 15:50

@sausagesandchamp

So are you going to stay with him? Will he move in? And your girls possibly moved out? How exactly do you see this playing out for the best?
I don’t live with him. Why would I move my girls out? They are my priority
OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 15:51

@Dontbeme

I feel incredibly sorry for your two children, you seem hell bent on bringing an unstable drug addict into their lives, all this time, effort, money and emotional support you spunk on this guy could be used by your kids.
Not hell bent no I asked for advice on it all. I am a wonderful mother thank you I just fell in love with someone who has become unstable the last few weeks
OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 15:54

@Pinkdelight3

It's not just about him coming off his meds in the last two weeks though. He's got a £400 a month coke habit. However 'recently' this came to light, you seem to have taken it in your stride and got more miffed about him not being around for your day off/£60 birthday gift. There's something weird going on with your response to him that still feels out of whack. To fixate on him saying how you make him smile - what genuine currency does that have at all in world where he takes £400 of coke, bought partly with money borrowed from you?? I don't know if we're talking to a wall exactly, but you need to get some proper help to sort your perspective and get this guy out of your life for good.
I am taking all of the advice in thank you. The coke habit came to light about 3 weeks ago and he started cutting off 2 weeks ago so all fairly fresh hence me asking for advice a few days ago on is the cutting off normal
OP posts:
MissNothing1991 · 03/04/2022 16:03

So... Your idea of a male role model for your children is a coke addict, playing silly computer games whilst living at home with mummy and daddy?

In the nicest way possible, do you have some sort of learning disability because your behaviour, his behaviour and the overall situation here, combined with the fact you keep ignoring any advice you're given...

Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 16:11

@MissNothing1991

So... Your idea of a male role model for your children is a coke addict, playing silly computer games whilst living at home with mummy and daddy?

In the nicest way possible, do you have some sort of learning disability because your behaviour, his behaviour and the overall situation here, combined with the fact you keep ignoring any advice you're given...

No that isn’t my role model what I asked is is the cutting off normal. When have I said he is a role model? You are also very rude asking me that I have said many times I fell in love and then realised a few weeks ago there were potential issues. I am not ignoring and advice I have also said several times on here I am taking all of the advice in. Don’t be so rude please I am already very down about it all
OP posts: