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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cut off a lot in relationship due to depression

126 replies

Charliec12 · 01/04/2022 19:42

I have been dating a guy for 6 months totally fell for him to be honest but he has depression and cuts me off when he is bad for a few days at a time. This week has been really bad as he has come off of his anti depressants as they are meaning he has no emotions and he has not spoken to me all week as he has turned his phone off. He told me when I saw him a week ago that he cuts off to handle it and doesn’t talk to anyone. First of all how am I anyone when he can sleep with me, tell me he loves me and tell me I make him smile? Yesterday I drove to his house in my lunch break he didn’t answer the door even though I was shouting through the letterbox. Today I took a day off work so we could spend the day together. He didn’t even have his phone on all day so we couldn’t meet. It is leaving me feel heartbroken when he cuts off, now he has had his phone off for a week. What would your advice be?

OP posts:
NeverChange · 03/04/2022 16:19

I went out with someone who had depression once. Was fine which he took medication & went to therapy but then he would feel better and stop and end up depressed again.

I will never ever date someone with depression again. It nearly broke me being on that rollercoaster. Depression is a hugely selfish disease. It's not intentionally so but it is and their feelings continually override yours every single time. You need up exhausted, rejected and in a more parent/child relationship and it is sole destroying.

People will probably say I'm horrible but I would have ended up with mental health issues too if I didn't leave.

My advice is end it. You can love him & think he's fab but depression, especially when it won't prioritise treating it, is just horrible.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 16:28

@NeverChange

I went out with someone who had depression once. Was fine which he took medication & went to therapy but then he would feel better and stop and end up depressed again.

I will never ever date someone with depression again. It nearly broke me being on that rollercoaster. Depression is a hugely selfish disease. It's not intentionally so but it is and their feelings continually override yours every single time. You need up exhausted, rejected and in a more parent/child relationship and it is sole destroying.

People will probably say I'm horrible but I would have ended up with mental health issues too if I didn't leave.

My advice is end it. You can love him & think he's fab but depression, especially when it won't prioritise treating it, is just horrible.

Thanks this is what I feel like now pretty broken :(
OP posts:
SucculentChalice · 03/04/2022 16:49

Yesterday I drove to his house in my lunch break he didn’t answer the door even though I was shouting through the letterbox.

I had one of these guys once. Vague depression claims, vague as to medication, he liked to spend a lot of time on his own, etc..

Turned out he was seeing three of us at once. I once went round to his house and he wouldn't answer the door and I strongly suspect he had one of his other girlfriends in there.

Not saying that this is the case here, but this guy has so many red flags, I wouldn't be surprised if he is lying to you as well.

NeverChange · 03/04/2022 16:54

I spend years trying to understand it, fix it, support it and even competed with it at some stages!!!

When things were good they were the happiest times of my life, we were in love, talked about marraige etc. I loved him & genuinely believed he loved me too but only when he was well. I finally gave up when he wouldn't go back on anti depressants. It took me far too long to realise I was fighting a losing battle & the didn't love me enough to get & take a prescription.

Please don't spend as long as I did. I wasted my late20s/early30s on something that was never going to happen.

sweetbellyhigh · 03/04/2022 17:07

Helping someone with both substance abuse and mental health issues (dual diagnosis) is tricky as each issue contributes to the other. Even with specialist support, the recovery rate is low, most return time and again.

But that's not rally the point. The point is that you are not his GP or therapist, you are his partner. You have been confusing support with enablement.

Honestly you have big issues of your own that you'd be wise to work on before getting involved with anyone. Your boundaries seem to be non existent.

PonyPatter44 · 03/04/2022 17:21

My exH had mental health problems and a humongous alcohol problem. I wasted years and years of my life trying to help him - it never really dawned on me that the only person who could fix him was him. I could have put the best MH meds in the world in front of him, but if he wouldn't take them, they wouldn't matter.

He sounds selfish and not good relationship material. Be his friend by all means, but don't waste your time trying to be his girlfriend.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 17:23

@sweetbellyhigh

Helping someone with both substance abuse and mental health issues (dual diagnosis) is tricky as each issue contributes to the other. Even with specialist support, the recovery rate is low, most return time and again.

But that's not rally the point. The point is that you are not his GP or therapist, you are his partner. You have been confusing support with enablement.

Honestly you have big issues of your own that you'd be wise to work on before getting involved with anyone. Your boundaries seem to be non existent.

Not really I didn’t want to give up on him and hoped he would change as I said it is only been the last 2 weeks it has got bad
OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 17:24

@PonyPatter44

My exH had mental health problems and a humongous alcohol problem. I wasted years and years of my life trying to help him - it never really dawned on me that the only person who could fix him was him. I could have put the best MH meds in the world in front of him, but if he wouldn't take them, they wouldn't matter.

He sounds selfish and not good relationship material. Be his friend by all means, but don't waste your time trying to be his girlfriend.

Thank you :)
OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 17:26

@NeverChange

I spend years trying to understand it, fix it, support it and even competed with it at some stages!!!

When things were good they were the happiest times of my life, we were in love, talked about marraige etc. I loved him & genuinely believed he loved me too but only when he was well. I finally gave up when he wouldn't go back on anti depressants. It took me far too long to realise I was fighting a losing battle & the didn't love me enough to get & take a prescription.

Please don't spend as long as I did. I wasted my late20s/early30s on something that was never going to happen.

Yep this is what has happened I have spent months seeing him very happy and encouraging him to stay on the anti depressants only for him to go cold turkey 2 weeks ago and cut me off. He did not even come off then gradually just straight away after 6 months of being on them
OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 17:27

@SucculentChalice

Yesterday I drove to his house in my lunch break he didn’t answer the door even though I was shouting through the letterbox.

I had one of these guys once. Vague depression claims, vague as to medication, he liked to spend a lot of time on his own, etc..

Turned out he was seeing three of us at once. I once went round to his house and he wouldn't answer the door and I strongly suspect he had one of his other girlfriends in there.

Not saying that this is the case here, but this guy has so many red flags, I wouldn't be surprised if he is lying to you as well.

Thank you and possibly :)
OP posts:
70Cats · 03/04/2022 17:29

No your children are NOT your number one priority. Do you realise you could lose them?

Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 17:41

@70Cats

No your children are NOT your number one priority. Do you realise you could lose them?
They are yes :)
OP posts:
DragonOverTheMoon · 03/04/2022 17:50

Well they're not OP. This man of 6 months is, this man who is not over his ex, uses cocaine to make himself feel better and this man who's dad is even giving you warning signs to get out of this relationship. Stop lying to yourself.

I bet you don't end up taking any of the good advice on this thread. You'd rather delude yourself. Get back into reality. This man doesn't think you're good enough for him, he thinks he's above you, you've given him all of your power. Pull your shit together and stop deluding yourself.

sweetbellyhigh · 03/04/2022 17:53

Honestly I'm starting to wonder if you have some kind of block or whether you are just stubborn.

You are confusing love with co dependence.

But you seem determined to do so you can't expect anything to change 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 17:56

@sweetbellyhigh

Honestly I'm starting to wonder if you have some kind of block or whether you are just stubborn.

You are confusing love with co dependence.

But you seem determined to do so you can't expect anything to change 🤷‍♀️

Neither I came on here to ask for advice which I am taking on board
OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 17:58

@DragonOverTheMoon

Well they're not OP. This man of 6 months is, this man who is not over his ex, uses cocaine to make himself feel better and this man who's dad is even giving you warning signs to get out of this relationship. Stop lying to yourself.

I bet you don't end up taking any of the good advice on this thread. You'd rather delude yourself. Get back into reality. This man doesn't think you're good enough for him, he thinks he's above you, you've given him all of your power. Pull your shit together and stop deluding yourself.

It is great advice I am taking it all in thanks :)
OP posts:
EinsteinaGogo · 03/04/2022 18:19

OP,

You say you have two girls:

How would you feel if they 'fell in love' with a man like your boyfriend then they're older?

Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 18:22

@EinsteinaGogo

OP,

You say you have two girls:

How would you feel if they 'fell in love' with a man like your boyfriend then they're older?

This is what I always think about to be honest what advice would I give my girls:) It would not be great would it
OP posts:
EinsteinaGogo · 03/04/2022 19:01

It wouldn't OP.

You clearly love them.

It's so important to give them life lessons in self esteem. They need to be able to know their mum knows her worth and only enters into relationships with solvent, respectful and equal partners.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 19:05

@EinsteinaGogo

It wouldn't OP.

You clearly love them.

It's so important to give them life lessons in self esteem. They need to be able to know their mum knows her worth and only enters into relationships with solvent, respectful and equal partners.

Thanks :)
OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 03/04/2022 19:08

@EinsteinaGogo

It wouldn't OP.

You clearly love them.

It's so important to give them life lessons in self esteem. They need to be able to know their mum knows her worth and only enters into relationships with solvent, respectful and equal partners.

They haven’t met him either so far and they won’t now after the last 2 weeks
OP posts:
Haffiana · 03/04/2022 23:32

They haven’t met him either so far and they won’t now after the last 2 weeks

This is the crux of the problem OP, of why you aren't 'getting it' and why you are confusing all the posters on this thread. It isn't the last two weeks. It is the whole (OK only 6 months thank god) relationship including those few minutes where he smiled at you or whatever.

He lives at home
He has a coke habit
He sits in his room all day playing video games
He ASKED YOU (a mother with 2 children to support) TO LEND HIM MONEY and you (a mother with 2 children to support) ACTUALLY did so
And - you have walked straight from a bad marriage into this.

So no, OP, the problem is not the last 2 weeks it is the whole thing, right from the start. Self respect means not paying for a boyfriend, not having a relationship with someone whose primary relationship is with white powder and who has a mental age of 13, and not day dreaming of how it will all be perfect when you have proved to him how wonderful and worthy you are.

Maybe tomorrow he will come out of his room and start saying 'you're gorgeous' to you again. Will you immediately go back to lie spreadeagled across the bonnet of his car?

Original poster
Charliec12 · 04/04/2022 07:02

@Haffiana

They haven’t met him either so far and they won’t now after the last 2 weeks

This is the crux of the problem OP, of why you aren't 'getting it' and why you are confusing all the posters on this thread. It isn't the last two weeks. It is the whole (OK only 6 months thank god) relationship including those few minutes where he smiled at you or whatever.

He lives at home
He has a coke habit
He sits in his room all day playing video games
He ASKED YOU (a mother with 2 children to support) TO LEND HIM MONEY and you (a mother with 2 children to support) ACTUALLY did so
And - you have walked straight from a bad marriage into this.

So no, OP, the problem is not the last 2 weeks it is the whole thing, right from the start. Self respect means not paying for a boyfriend, not having a relationship with someone whose primary relationship is with white powder and who has a mental age of 13, and not day dreaming of how it will all be perfect when you have proved to him how wonderful and worthy you are.

Maybe tomorrow he will come out of his room and start saying 'you're gorgeous' to you again. Will you immediately go back to lie spreadeagled across the bonnet of his car?

That last bit made me laugh 😂 no I won’t do that and yes I have been blinded thank you. I didn’t find out about the coke habit until recently but all of those other things are red flags. I thought we could overcome them and move out but I know that with money issues and all those other red flags that would be an awful move
OP posts:
theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 05/04/2022 13:06

@Haffiana

They haven’t met him either so far and they won’t now after the last 2 weeks

This is the crux of the problem OP, of why you aren't 'getting it' and why you are confusing all the posters on this thread. It isn't the last two weeks. It is the whole (OK only 6 months thank god) relationship including those few minutes where he smiled at you or whatever.

He lives at home
He has a coke habit
He sits in his room all day playing video games
He ASKED YOU (a mother with 2 children to support) TO LEND HIM MONEY and you (a mother with 2 children to support) ACTUALLY did so
And - you have walked straight from a bad marriage into this.

So no, OP, the problem is not the last 2 weeks it is the whole thing, right from the start. Self respect means not paying for a boyfriend, not having a relationship with someone whose primary relationship is with white powder and who has a mental age of 13, and not day dreaming of how it will all be perfect when you have proved to him how wonderful and worthy you are.

Maybe tomorrow he will come out of his room and start saying 'you're gorgeous' to you again. Will you immediately go back to lie spreadeagled across the bonnet of his car?

Only if it's a rented motorcar....
Original poster
Charliec12 · 05/04/2022 14:40

I don’t rent a car 😁

OP posts: