Page 3 | Cut off a lot in relationship due to depression

Charliec12 · 2022-04-01T18:42:42+00:00

I have been dating a guy for 6 months totally fell for him to be honest but he has depression and cuts me off when he is bad for a few days at a time. This week has been really bad as he has come off of his anti depressants as they are meaning he has no emotions and he has not spoken to me all week as he has turned his phone off. He told me when I saw him a week ago that he cuts off to handle it and doesn’t talk to anyone. First of all how am I anyone when he can sleep with me, tell me he loves me and tell me I make him smile? Yesterday I drove to his house in my lunch break he didn’t answer the door even though I was shouting through the letterbox. Today I took a day off work so we could spend the day together. He didn’t even have his phone on all day so we couldn’t meet. It is leaving me feel heartbroken when he cuts off, now he has had his phone off for a week. What would your advice be?

Pinkdelight3 · 02/04/2022 13:10

Agreed I feel like I am going crazy at times, it is driving me to that sad I spent £60 on his bday in the last few days and no thank you yet either. I know people want to be alone but it isn’t hard to thank someone.

But again, this was after he'd blanked you for some time already and you still spent the money and took the day off and sound like you still have this expectation of thanks as though it's a normal situation. It isn't. You really have to step back from these details and draw a line under it all. Your expectations are so out of whack with what's going on here.

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 02/04/2022 13:12

How old are you? Because you sound very young.

Original poster

Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 13:16

@Pinkdelight3

Agreed I feel like I am going crazy at times, it is driving me to that sad I spent £60 on his bday in the last few days and no thank you yet either. I know people want to be alone but it isn’t hard to thank someone.

But again, this was after he'd blanked you for some time already and you still spent the money and took the day off and sound like you still have this expectation of thanks as though it's a normal situation. It isn't. You really have to step back from these details and draw a line under it all. Your expectations are so out of whack with what's going on here.

I know I am trying and giving way too much

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sausagesandchamp · 02/04/2022 13:16

By ending the relationship you are not giving up on him. It is no reflection on you or your efforts. You have been committed, kind and loving. He has taken, taken taken. If you continue to sacrifice your life for him, you are putting him before yourself and much more importantly, before your children. They do not deserve to come second to this shell of a man, who gives little (if anything) to you or them, who is possibly cheating with his ex, and who is desperately needy and selfish. It's an utterly fruitless and foolish relationship to pursue. That's before the implications on your daughters are even considered.

Original poster

Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 13:17

@GregBrawlsInDogJail

How old are you? Because you sound very young.

41 not that young just fell in love with the wrong person I suppose

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GregBrawlsInDogJail · 02/04/2022 13:19

I'm guessing you didn't have a lot of good relationship role models growing up, because it's hard to imagine the average 41yo woman even considering dating a man of their own age who lives at home, is chronically flaky and can't hold down a job.

I think you really need to spend some time single and get some counselling to sort your own head out.

sausagesandchamp · 02/04/2022 13:21

Reading your comments, it's all about him. You're scurrying around trying to make him smile. Zero consideration for how you are being made to feel. Tons of effort for a potential smile. How ridiculous. And he won't even switch his phone on. He's the emotional ability of a plank. Come on!! Your life is about you! Not orbiting his sad life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2022 13:37

What happened to you, how did you end up like you are now?.

What aspects of his personality attracted you?.

I think you confused love here with codependency. You're not really in love with this man; perhaps the image of him and of whom you want him to become.

Codependent people tend to attract self focused others with high avoidant and or narcissistic traits.

CrumpetStrumpet · 02/04/2022 13:38

You're a 41 year old woman with two children.

Why oh why are you wasting your time with this man? Whatever his issues the bottom line is he can't give you what you want. Therefore you pick up your dignity and walk away.

Stop wasting your time and money on this man. You could have put that £60 towards a nice treat for you all. Put yourself and your children first and forget about this 'relationship'

Margaretmatcher · 02/04/2022 13:46

OP leave him to sort himself out. Maybe he wanted to stop his medication but should have done it gradually. He needs time to adjust let him have that time OP,

Original poster

Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 16:03

@sausagesandchamp

Reading your comments, it's all about him. You're scurrying around trying to make him smile. Zero consideration for how you are being made to feel. Tons of effort for a potential smile. How ridiculous. And he won't even switch his phone on. He's the emotional ability of a plank. Come on!! Your life is about you! Not orbiting his sad life.

Agreed it reads back very silly :)

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Original poster

Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 16:06

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What happened to you, how did you end up like you are now?.

What aspects of his personality attracted you?.

I think you confused love here with codependency. You're not really in love with this man; perhaps the image of him and of whom you want him to become.

Codependent people tend to attract self focused others with high avoidant and or narcissistic traits.

When he is on form he is normal and we get on really well but when he is off form he is awful. He said to me last Sunday I make him smile but has turned his phone off since then. He said this is what he does when he is down but it doesn’t help me does it

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Original poster

Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 16:16

@sausagesandchamp

By ending the relationship you are not giving up on him. It is no reflection on you or your efforts. You have been committed, kind and loving. He has taken, taken taken. If you continue to sacrifice your life for him, you are putting him before yourself and much more importantly, before your children. They do not deserve to come second to this shell of a man, who gives little (if anything) to you or them, who is possibly cheating with his ex, and who is desperately needy and selfish. It's an utterly fruitless and foolish relationship to pursue. That's before the implications on your daughters are even considered.

Thanks :)

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2022 16:18

No it does not help you at all.

When has this man ever been on form or normal during this last six months?.

He will continue to drag you (and in turn your daughters) down with him if you allow him to do so. You've already been reduced to shouting through his letterbox; how much lower do you think you will sink here?.

Original poster

Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 16:19

@GregBrawlsInDogJail

I'm guessing you didn't have a lot of good relationship role models growing up, because it's hard to imagine the average 41yo woman even considering dating a man of their own age who lives at home, is chronically flaky and can't hold down a job.

I think you really need to spend some time single and get some counselling to sort your own head out.

I have lots around me yes. I suppose thought I could help him get him stabilised and back to work regularly and out of his parents house. The other thing is he asks to borrow money from me at times he pays it back but still. I am now learning I think this is because if he has a headache for example he won’t go to work

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Original poster

Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 16:21

@AttilaTheMeerkat

No it does not help you at all.

When has this man ever been on form or normal during this last six months?.

He will continue to drag you (and in turn your daughters) down with him if you allow him to do so. You've already been reduced to shouting through his letterbox; how much lower do you think you will sink here?.

I know the shouting through the letterbox thing was strange and even if he didn’t want to speak to me he could of told me that when I was there. He is okay then closes off at least once a month for a few days and leaves me worrying about his wellbeing. These last 2 weeks have been the worst as he has come off his meds and gone cold turkey

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2022 16:31

"I suppose thought I could help him get him stabilised and back to work regularly and out of his parents house".

Why did you think this?. Often women do find themselves dating these men, believing that it’s just the love of a good woman that has stood between him and the act of packing his bags and moving out.
No relationship should be about using your efforts to prove to a man that you love him and you’re the woman to make him change, in the hope that one day he might reciprocate. You certainly shouldn’t have to have to concern yourself with getting him out of his mothers.

I am yet to come across a man living with his mother that is able to have a healthy relationship with a girlfriend. Your "relationship" with this man is toxic and mired in your codependency. He wants to live with his parents and it suits him to do so; they also enable him just as you've done and his ex did.

Your daughters need you far more than this man, they also need a responsible adult in their lives to guide them.

Original poster

Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 16:45

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"I suppose thought I could help him get him stabilised and back to work regularly and out of his parents house".

Why did you think this?. Often women do find themselves dating these men, believing that it’s just the love of a good woman that has stood between him and the act of packing his bags and moving out.
No relationship should be about using your efforts to prove to a man that you love him and you’re the woman to make him change, in the hope that one day he might reciprocate. You certainly shouldn’t have to have to concern yourself with getting him out of his mothers.

I am yet to come across a man living with his mother that is able to have a healthy relationship with a girlfriend. Your "relationship" with this man is toxic and mired in your codependency. He wants to live with his parents and it suits him to do so; they also enable him just as you've done and his ex did.

Your daughters need you far more than this man, they also need a responsible adult in their lives to guide them.

I think it says a lot when he lives with mum and dad at the age of 41 and before we started dating he said to me he has not met the right girl for him yet 😊

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Dillydollydingdong · 02/04/2022 17:10

You're not listening are you, OP? Stop obsessing over this waste of space and start living your life. He doesn't need you. He's got his so-called ex anyway. You don't need him either. Finish it ffs.

chisanunian · 02/04/2022 17:11

@Charliec12

Thanks for your advice I think a lot of this is my fault as I was ready to commit to a relationship with him fully but then I found out he doesn’t always go to work and see’s his ex a lot like he goes round her house until 5 am in the morning and apparently they are just friends. That sort of stuff started bothering me a lot but I really like him but am concerned maybe I am making his depression bad but to cut me off a lot I am not sure I could handle long term. If I am causing his depression maybe that is why

You are not responsible for his mental health, or his actions.

You are not his therapist.

You cannot rescue him or be his saviour.

GreyCarpet · 02/04/2022 17:18

@Charliec12

I am really annoyed that he has come off of his anti depressants as I have been trying to help him for months and he did that and did not tell me and now he is in a worse situation. He is 41 lives at home never seems to have any money and is in his room a lot playing video games despite all of that I am so fond of him :( But the cutting off business is awful especially if he claims to be so in to me as he is

Jesus!

Raise your standards!

blacksax · 02/04/2022 17:39

@Charliec12

I have 2 children and can’t always see him a lot like recently they had covid so I didn’t see him for a few weeks and he said that is no good for him

he said that is no good for him What would be good for him is to grow up and start taking some responsibility for himself instead of manipulating your emotions and making you feel like you're the problem. You are not the problem. He is, and the only person who can fix that is him.

Put your children first. Don't saddle them with this hopless case in their lives.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2022 17:43

"I think it says a lot when he lives with mum and dad at the age of 41 and before we started dating he said to me he has not met the right girl for him yet"

You believed his BS didn't you?. Often women do find themselves dating these men, believing that it’s just the love of a good woman that has stood between him and the act of packing his bags and moving out.

No relationship should be about using your efforts to prove to a man that you love him and you’re the woman to make him change, in the hope that one day he might reciprocate. You certainly shouldn’t have to have to concern yourself with getting him out of his mothers.

Original poster

Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 17:48

Thanks all some great advice here. I thought all of this was red flags but part of me is also thinking is it depression too. It is a case of both but no good for me when I have tried to help and I have 2 little people to think about :)

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Moser85 · 02/04/2022 18:09

I get like this when I'm depressed. It's one of the reasons I don't date. I think it's selfish to date if you have issues like this that you aren't trying your best to deal with.

However you are both in the relationship now, from his point of view if someone showed up at my door when I wasn't up for talking to anyone that would be my worst nightmare.

The cutting off is not personal, it's just dealing with people is overwhelming. While I would respond to a message because I wouldn't want someone to worry about me, the last thing I actually want is to tell someone how I am really....and then it's almost worse if I have a good day and then a bad day again as I feel like I disappoint people or let them down. Makes me feel weak and embarrassed, but that is how depression twists some peoples thoughts!! I know some people talk and like support but others completely shut down.

There's other red flags with him however, staying at his exes until 5am?
What's he borrowing money from you for? His living expenses are surely at a minimum if he's living with his parents.

I really can't see this relationship working out as it is and you need to look after yourself!