Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cut off a lot in relationship due to depression

126 replies

Charliec12 · 01/04/2022 19:42

I have been dating a guy for 6 months totally fell for him to be honest but he has depression and cuts me off when he is bad for a few days at a time. This week has been really bad as he has come off of his anti depressants as they are meaning he has no emotions and he has not spoken to me all week as he has turned his phone off. He told me when I saw him a week ago that he cuts off to handle it and doesn’t talk to anyone. First of all how am I anyone when he can sleep with me, tell me he loves me and tell me I make him smile? Yesterday I drove to his house in my lunch break he didn’t answer the door even though I was shouting through the letterbox. Today I took a day off work so we could spend the day together. He didn’t even have his phone on all day so we couldn’t meet. It is leaving me feel heartbroken when he cuts off, now he has had his phone off for a week. What would your advice be?

OP posts:
Undecidedandtorn · 02/04/2022 08:32

When you say you took the day off work - did you have plans together? Or did you just hope he would be free?

KELLOGSspeck · 02/04/2022 08:32

Get out now OP. He doesn't work and lives at home.

Sorry but it's too much responsibility you have 2 kids already.

MissNothing1991 · 02/04/2022 08:34

You don't sound like you should be in a relationship anymore than he does. You're very intense given it's been six m9nths

Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 08:38

@Undecidedandtorn

When you say you took the day off work - did you have plans together? Or did you just hope he would be free?
I told him I was taking the day off to spend time with him near his birthday but as I haven’t actually been able to speak to him properly for 2 weeks as he has been so down we didn’t make concrete plans. I was texting him that I was off Friday and wanted to meet him and I know he has been turning his phone on to look at stuff
OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 08:39

@MissNothing1991

You don't sound like you should be in a relationship anymore than he does. You're very intense given it's been six m9nths
Yeah we have known each other 24 years so there has been a thing there for that long really but not progressed it
OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 08:41

@KELLOGSspeck

Get out now OP. He doesn't work and lives at home.

Sorry but it's too much responsibility you have 2 kids already.

Yep good point I need to put my girls first. This has been massively on my mind would he cut off around them?
OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 02/04/2022 09:27

I told him I was taking the day off to spend time with him near his birthday but as I haven’t actually been able to speak to him properly for 2 weeks as he has been so down we didn’t make concrete plans. I was texting him that I was off Friday and wanted to meet him and I know he has been turning his phone on to look at stuff

He sounds terrible, but you also sound like you've been sucked way too far into this madness. He's had his phone turned off all week, you've been round shouting through his letterbox to no avail and yet you still took the day off after that and imagined things would be different. Now it transpires he hadn't even agreed to this day off and it's all coming from you, and you're taking all his rejection and turning it back on yourself, thinking it's your fault and if only you did xyz he'd be better. This is an extremely unhealthy mindset you're in and you need to detach from him big time. Don't get into the detail of whether it's his depression or you or his ex or any of that. However long you've known him, this relationship has only been six months and it's dreadful to non-existent, that's all you need to know. Please put yourself and your DC first and don't give this guy any more time and energy.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 09:32

@Pinkdelight3

I told him I was taking the day off to spend time with him near his birthday but as I haven’t actually been able to speak to him properly for 2 weeks as he has been so down we didn’t make concrete plans. I was texting him that I was off Friday and wanted to meet him and I know he has been turning his phone on to look at stuff

He sounds terrible, but you also sound like you've been sucked way too far into this madness. He's had his phone turned off all week, you've been round shouting through his letterbox to no avail and yet you still took the day off after that and imagined things would be different. Now it transpires he hadn't even agreed to this day off and it's all coming from you, and you're taking all his rejection and turning it back on yourself, thinking it's your fault and if only you did xyz he'd be better. This is an extremely unhealthy mindset you're in and you need to detach from him big time. Don't get into the detail of whether it's his depression or you or his ex or any of that. However long you've known him, this relationship has only been six months and it's dreadful to non-existent, that's all you need to know. Please put yourself and your DC first and don't give this guy any more time and energy.

Thank you, the impact is as you can probably tell all of this is making me depressed too :)
OP posts:
Weatherwax13 · 02/04/2022 09:33

Pfft. He stays at his ex's till 5.00a.m but regularly drops contact with you?
Drop him.
He wouldn't even open his door when you were stood outside. He's shown you precisely how much he values you. Don't be a doormat love.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 09:36

@Weatherwax13

Pfft. He stays at his ex's till 5.00a.m but regularly drops contact with you? Drop him. He wouldn't even open his door when you were stood outside. He's shown you precisely how much he values you. Don't be a doormat love.
Yes the door thing really hurt me he must of heard me shouting through the letterbox to be honest and I live half an hour away from his house :(
OP posts:
MrsIglesias · 02/04/2022 09:39

Sorry OP. Sounds confusing. Sounds like it's better to end it now. You will feel far more powerful and peaceful if you do it now rather than wait until you have been further humiliated which will happen by the sound of it.

alittlefickle · 02/04/2022 09:46

Wow! I am stunned at some of these comments. People with depression need to deal with it in their own way. Own time. Coming off meds is something that really needs to be addressed (not advisable) but that can make someone really unwell with side effects.

I wouldn't write this person off completely - carry on with your life, but let him know you'll be there for him, if and when he needs you. Remaining friends/having the support is good enough.... but, don't just remove him... he's clearly got A LOT going on and is just coping the best way he can right now.

Pinkdelight3 · 02/04/2022 09:56

@alittlefickle

Wow! I am stunned at some of these comments. People with depression need to deal with it in their own way. Own time. Coming off meds is something that really needs to be addressed (not advisable) but that can make someone really unwell with side effects.

I wouldn't write this person off completely - carry on with your life, but let him know you'll be there for him, if and when he needs you. Remaining friends/having the support is good enough.... but, don't just remove him... he's clearly got A LOT going on and is just coping the best way he can right now.

That's one thing if it's a friendship, but very different when it's 6 months into a relationship, with kids and exes and this amount of heartache involved. OP has her own MH to prioritise and it's taking a battering here. If she need to draw a line so be it. His ex can be there for him.
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2022 09:57

A person cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship like OP has done here, neither approach works. The last thing that is needed now is their continued involvement with each other because they are bad for each other.

OP needs to put her own self and her daughters front and centre in her life; not this man who amongst other things is ignoring her when OP is shouting through his letterbox (indeed do not be his doormat here). Would she be wanting them to do this with their boyfriends, I would hope not and its not good enough for the OP either.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up OP; what about boundaries here?. They seem way too low and therefore need urgent revision upwards.

Hoppinggreen · 02/04/2022 09:58

He’s not in a place to be able to have a relationship right now

KELLOGSspeck · 02/04/2022 09:59

You know him best OP and I guess some advice is harsh here but he doesn't sound great. For what reason has he decided to come off of his meds? You said you have known each other a long time has he EVER had a job for a consistent period of time?

These issues matter a lot when you have kids unfortunately because your girls are your priority!

Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 10:01

@alittlefickle

Wow! I am stunned at some of these comments. People with depression need to deal with it in their own way. Own time. Coming off meds is something that really needs to be addressed (not advisable) but that can make someone really unwell with side effects.

I wouldn't write this person off completely - carry on with your life, but let him know you'll be there for him, if and when he needs you. Remaining friends/having the support is good enough.... but, don't just remove him... he's clearly got A LOT going on and is just coping the best way he can right now.

Yep he has gone cold turkey suddenly after 6 months on them and after he came off them 2 weeks ago suddenly he has crashed and is in a bad place. It was a silly thing to do as he has made no changes in his life to improve his life for the better. Friends is good I am putting no more extra effort in to it :)
OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2022 10:06

What you need to work out OP is why you were attracted to such a man in the first place. Clearly he is not the man you thought he was and he was never the friend you thought he was either.

You would not want your daughters to be in such a relationship and its not good enough for you either. Spend a lot of time now working on your own self through therapy and discard the rubbish you have learnt about relationships along the way. Your daughters will also thank you for doing that. You are their blueprint model for their future relationships.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 10:26

@KELLOGSspeck

You know him best OP and I guess some advice is harsh here but he doesn't sound great. For what reason has he decided to come off of his meds? You said you have known each other a long time has he EVER had a job for a consistent period of time?

These issues matter a lot when you have kids unfortunately because your girls are your priority!

He said he had no emotions when he was on them with people but to me he is the happiest he has been since he went on them so I don’t understand that really. Hit and miss with jobs he will work when his mind allows it. When I went round his house to try and see him last Thursday he had a headache (so for that reason he told his Dad who he works with) that he felt awful, didn’t want to see anyone and was staying in bed
OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 10:30

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What you need to work out OP is why you were attracted to such a man in the first place. Clearly he is not the man you thought he was and he was never the friend you thought he was either.

You would not want your daughters to be in such a relationship and its not good enough for you either. Spend a lot of time now working on your own self through therapy and discard the rubbish you have learnt about relationships along the way. Your daughters will also thank you for doing that. You are their blueprint model for their future relationships.

Looks and personality, we get on so well but since he has come off the meds it is like he is a different person. I know his Dad and his Dad said he hardly speaks to him at home he just stays in his room a lot. He told me when we started dating that he hadn’t had a girlf in about 2 years and also his ex got a mouthful from him too as she went round his house when he told her not to go round so there seems to be a pattern here. If he doesn’t want to see anyone as he is so depressed he will snap or like Thurs not open the door to me but a few days prior to that he said I make him smile so I thought it might help him smile if I went round but that backfired
OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 11:40

@Weatherwax13

Pfft. He stays at his ex's till 5.00a.m but regularly drops contact with you? Drop him. He wouldn't even open his door when you were stood outside. He's shown you precisely how much he values you. Don't be a doormat love.
The problem is I can’t drop him as he has turned his phone off. I do want closure really :)
OP posts:
DragonOverTheMoon · 02/04/2022 11:47

Closure is a myth. You're lying to yourself. This man has you acting crazy and calling his name through his parents letterbox. Closure is for marriages where the person runs off and you don't know where they are. All You're doing is entertaining this bullshit and romanticism that's in your head.

DragonOverTheMoon · 02/04/2022 11:50

It's not his meds or his MH. He wasnt the right one for you, he's not treated you well and you are using MH as an excuse. The only time MH can be used as an excuse for poor treatment is when someone is having a psychosis episode.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 02/04/2022 12:30

@DragonOverTheMoon

Closure is a myth. You're lying to yourself. This man has you acting crazy and calling his name through his parents letterbox. Closure is for marriages where the person runs off and you don't know where they are. All You're doing is entertaining this bullshit and romanticism that's in your head.
Agreed I feel like I am going crazy at times, it is driving me to that :( I spent £60 on his bday in the last few days and no thank you yet either. I know people want to be alone but it isn’t hard to thank someone. He is not talking to anyone at the moment
OP posts:
DragonOverTheMoon · 02/04/2022 12:41

Read should I stay or should I go by Lundy Bancroft. It's really clicked things into place for me and helped me centre myself.

Codependency for dummies is great, as is codependent no more.

You've got a great life to live. You can make it. Find yourself and you'll never act crazy over a man again.

Sorry for the tough love.