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Original poster

Thoughts on dating someone who doesn't see past children?

125 replies

Django2 · 31/03/2022 12:53

Met a new guy, who I genuinely like, he was in a previous marriage where he had a son who is now 7, he hasn't seen him in 18 months and claims it's because he wanted to stop "hurting him" with the situation between him and ex wife. He was allocated a day a week through court which I thought was odd? Apparently it's because he hadn't been in his life for a bit so that's what they started off with, is there more likely to be more to that truth? But apparently on the visits his son stopped calling him dad and his real name and he was saying he could bare for him to keep being brainwashed by his mum so it was best to stay out of his life and confusing him more.

I have very high family values and I'm not sure how I feel about him accepting no contact with his son... is this someone you would consider a future with? Of course maybe you need to know more of the story but just wondering if at a first glance it's something you would avoid

OP posts:
Anna197264 · 31/03/2022 12:55

I think I would see how it goes. My cousin doesn’t see his DD because her mum was so poisonous. He’s was only 21 when she was born and he’s now nearly 50. He has since gone on to have another family and a steady marriage and is very much a family man.

layladomino · 31/03/2022 12:57

I would kill anyone who stopped me trying to see DC, so I would really struggle to understand someone who can walk away from their child.

If he didn't see his child for so long that they stopped calling him Dad, then that's on him. It's possible that the child's Mum has made things hard, and may well have tried poisoning the child against him, but the way to deal with that is to formalise things through the courts, and to maintain contact.

So yes, for me it is absolutely something I'd avoid.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/03/2022 13:00

Would you be considering having children with him?

freedomhereicome · 31/03/2022 13:01

I met someone once who didn't have a relationship with his daughter. Cut to the end. He was a narcissist. Totally unable to be empathetic. He liked his life his way. His teen daughter had opinions. He didn't like that. Last I heard he was dangling her around by threatening to cut off cms.

Does he pay maintenance?

Honestly I'd be out. Any man worth his salt would be fighting like hell to see their kids.

My ex (amicable split) has insisted on 50/50. We don't do a week on/week off yet as none of us are ready to be apart from the kids for that amount of time. But we work through it. I know how much he loves them. He's a good man.

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/03/2022 13:02

There’s more to it than he’s letting on, I expect.

Theunamedcat · 31/03/2022 13:04

My dd went through a phase of calling her dad by his first name we literally walked through the door I said hi X she parrots hi X I corrected her he corrected her job done literally the majority of children I know with separate parents go through this stage

He doesn't sound like a keeper if he isn't going to make an effort

Llamapolice · 31/03/2022 13:05

It's not an automatic red flag for me, like pp I know a lovely man who had no contact with his son growing up. He's now married and is a devoted carer to his disabled wife. In his case he was not in a relationship with the mother, never had much contact with the baby and it just drifted.

However the story your partner has told you seems a bit more suss to me. The reasons he's given for not seeing his son are a bit feeble, it sounds like he's been in and out of his life (being allocated one day a week?). I'm suspicious of someone saying they stopped contact with their child for the child's own benefit, it sounds like he's opted out and I wouldn't like that.

iknowthismuchis · 31/03/2022 13:09

It would be a no from me. Even more so if I ever wanted children. I have a family member who has children with a women who genuinely was manipulative and cruel. That didn't stop him being a father to his children with her. I'm sorry but I think it's an excuse

Coyoacan · 31/03/2022 13:10

If you have strong family values you will not be on the same page as this man. Also the way he talks about his ex is a red flag

Clymene · 31/03/2022 13:10

@Anna197264

I think I would see how it goes. My cousin doesn’t see his DD because her mum was so poisonous. He’s was only 21 when she was born and he’s now nearly 50. He has since gone on to have another family and a steady marriage and is very much a family man.
Very much a family man for this second family. Not so much for his eldest child though Hmm

OP I'd run. Men who abandon their children are shits

CheshireChat · 31/03/2022 13:15

Sounds like my ex. Ruuuuuun!

mindutopia · 31/03/2022 13:20

Massive red flags waving here. My mum married a man who told exactly this story. Though he daughters at the time were late teens. He had been a model parent, apparently, and walked away to spare them the pain of being stuck between them because his ex was such a horrible vindictive woman. 🙄

It turns out actually he was convicted of sexually abusing them and they rightfully have nothing to do with him. Even though she knows this now and they’ve been married more than a decade, she still maintains that he wouldn’t have abused them if his wife hadn’t been so awful and manipulative. We’re NC with them both now too.

So wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole!

Anyfeckinusername · 31/03/2022 13:26

apparently on the visits his son stopped calling him dad and his real name and he was saying he could bare for him to keep being brainwashed by his mum so it was best to stay out of his life and confusing him more.

So take the hump and never see the child again? Emmm NO??

Where is the empathy for his son??

And this “she is poisonous” stuff Confused

The child doesn’t know his dad so why would he call him dad?? So many red flags and cell centered spinning gojng on here by the sounds of it.

A good marker for all this is, does he pay child maintenance? If there is a big explanation as to why not, just run. Run run run….

MzHz · 31/03/2022 13:27

Time will tell.

It’s all very well people saying “I would never….”

But I’ve seen the damage being done to a little girl by her mother to get at the kids dad. Real damage, we’re talking stress and manipulation to the point of self harm.

There isn’t another way to deal with things like that other than to back away but keep in touch from afar.

And forget “fight her in court”. That’s going to put the child in huge danger, and the child would be manipulated within a click of a finger into not wanting to leave her school, her home, her friends when school and friends are the safe place for her.

In your situation @Django2 yes it’s a flag, it’s a concern, but find out if what he says checks out

When kids like these are free of their poisonous mothers you can work to fix things

Trying anything before they’re safe will harm the child.

Pebbledashery · 31/03/2022 13:28

First of all. I genuinely couldn't respect a man who actively chose not to participate in his child's life, let alone date him.
This screams red flags all over it.
Do yourself a favour and don't get involved.

ThatsNotItAtAll · 31/03/2022 13:29

There is no way on earth I'd be in a relationship with a man who didn't see his not yet adult children (or wasn't fighting to).

I'd completely lose respect for a friend or relative who did that too and have a lot less to do with them.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 31/03/2022 13:30

I fell for all of those kind of lies when I first met my ex husband, ex was bitter blah blah blah. Turns out hes a complete narcissist who takes no responsibility for anything he does and couldn't care less about anything or anyone other than himself. He's been nc with my dc for over a decade now and they are well rid in my opinion. When i sit and think about all the men I know who basically blame the ex for their dc being nc, there is literally not ine man among them that is a good dad or decent partner. They are literally all selfish individuals who blame it on the ex because its not socially acceptable to tell people they simply can't be bothered to be a parent. It would be a massive red flag for me if i was in your position op.

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/03/2022 13:37

I think it depends on the circumstances the child was born in. Short relationship, unplanned pregnancy, broke up with mother before baby was born - I can understand why he wouldn’t have any attachment to or paternal feelings towards a baby he didn’t want and didn’t bind with and isn’t interested in a relationship.

Anything else, I doubt you’re getting the full story and that’s the more concerning aspect.

Original poster
Django2 · 31/03/2022 14:00

He pays child maintenance yes. He seems to talk quite fondly of his son and says "he hopes when he's an adult he will seek him out" I'd told him to not bank on that and the fact he has run will just seem like you don't care and give more opportunity for his ex to talk bad.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 31/03/2022 14:00

Who instigated the court order? Him? His ex?

If him then I’d be inclined to see how things go because he might just be on the shitty end of a crappy situation.

If his ex then I’d be inclined to wonder why he didn’t fight for access in the first place.

But, tbh, it sounds like he’s trying to validate HIS reasons for not seeing his son which makes me thinks his ex has forced the situation.

More info for you needed from him OP – and face to face so you can read him – your instincts will tell you if he’s lying / flying by the seat of his pants.

The “hurting him” comment is a little disturbing. Strange wording to use. Surely “upsetting” or “disrupting” or “confusing” would have been better.

You’re only hearing HIS side of this story – which may be carefully crafted to paint himself in a better light.

Ultimately though OP, can YOU be bothered enough to get embroiled in all this so soon? If the answer’s no, then walk away.

”if at a first glance it's something you would avoid”

I would avoid, personally.

HellToTheNope · 31/03/2022 14:04

I can't believe you're falling for this bullshit. If he cared about seeing his son he would make it happen. He would be going to court to demand access.

belle40 · 31/03/2022 14:08

I don't understand people who are okay with parents cutting contact with their children. My child was on the receiving end of this. The OW and my ex play happy families with my ex's older children but our child doesn't exist. I can only assume it is because my child has an incredibly strong resemblance to me and my ex and OW don't want such a strong physical reminder of their behaviour.

In my experience, people who do this are deeply unpleasant, dishonest and highly manipulative. I think extremely poorly of women who support these men.

Lampan · 31/03/2022 14:11

I don’t have or want kids but this would massively put me off someone. Shows a lack of responsibility and also laziness if it’s too much hassle to fight to see their own children. I recently went on a date with someone who had a child he never saw cos apparently the mother was so difficult - obviously this just sounds like an excuse to me and I’m not sure I’d want the type of person who would just give up on their kids like that.

donquixotedelamancha · 31/03/2022 14:44

My best friend didn't see his daughter 'because her mum is nuts'. When I found out we had a very, very long talk about what I thought and he initiated contact. If he hadn't we wouldn't be friends.

I don't think I could share my life with someone who did this. It's not just that he did something terrible- every day he remakes the choice to abandon his child.

DFOD · 31/03/2022 14:50

So this man actively chose to stop seeing his 5 year old 1 day a week - who he hadn’t been in contact with for some time (likely years if it involved a court order) and his ex wife is a psycho - bitch?

I am also concerned that he is already “resigned” at 7 years old to never seeing this child again unless the child seeks him out as an adult.

Do you even know if he had a court order for one day a week?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

This is his delusional and misogynistic script. Your gut is telling you this doesn’t add up and doesn’t square with the Mr Nice Guy sat opposite you. It also jars with your strongly held family values.

Listen to your gut - it’s all “off” - you don’t need to stick around to find out “the truth” because it won’t come from him and you will get more enmeshed with him.

Do you know why his marriage broke down?

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