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Original poster

Thoughts on dating someone who doesn't see past children?

125 replies

Django2 · 31/03/2022 12:53

Met a new guy, who I genuinely like, he was in a previous marriage where he had a son who is now 7, he hasn't seen him in 18 months and claims it's because he wanted to stop "hurting him" with the situation between him and ex wife. He was allocated a day a week through court which I thought was odd? Apparently it's because he hadn't been in his life for a bit so that's what they started off with, is there more likely to be more to that truth? But apparently on the visits his son stopped calling him dad and his real name and he was saying he could bare for him to keep being brainwashed by his mum so it was best to stay out of his life and confusing him more.

I have very high family values and I'm not sure how I feel about him accepting no contact with his son... is this someone you would consider a future with? Of course maybe you need to know more of the story but just wondering if at a first glance it's something you would avoid

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 31/03/2022 19:58

All mothers are saintly and would never resort to alienation. All absent fathers are dead beat dads

I have male friends who's exs are genuinely very difficult, of course it happens. That doesn't excuse no contact at all.

Partyatnumber10 · 31/03/2022 19:59

Sorry I would have been making polite excuses and stopping things in their tracks after that take of woe.
Is ds is 7, he cut contact 18 months ago so age 5/6. Before that he had him for one day a week because he'd been out of contact.
The guy hasn't just lost contact he's barely had contact has he? And now he's given up all together until he's an adult.
No thanks!!

Sunnytwobridges · 31/03/2022 20:14

For me it would depend on the reasons why. If the kid is older and just doesn't want to see him that would be fine. If the mother is being an arse and making it difficult (I know some mothers like this) that would be fine as well. If he lives really far away and only sees them once a year that would be fine. Otherwise I'd be leery about it.

Theunamedcat · 31/03/2022 20:53

I'm difficult as a mother I expected my ex to be straight and sober when he saw his daughter and not bring alcohol in pop bottles to my house or pills in a bag she could get into he couldn't cope with that twice a week we cut it to once to help him he couldn't do that either his mom supervised this consisted of her fucking off out and leaving her alone with him she came back filthy I don't mean enjoyed herself filthy I mean she had been walked through feaces in her socks and they put her shoes on filthy not given her inhaler to her not fed her because he "didn't think" then wondered why she was crying so it was on me he asked to take her to the shop for sweeties I said yes he took her to a drug dealers house instead

So yes im difficult and he has had no contact for years because of me

MzHz · 31/03/2022 23:06

@Theunamedcat you protected your child. Contact is for the benefit of the child, no more, no less.

My oh wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t consider ds, was abusive to me so I didn’t make any effort to chase him for anything and have kept him at distance

But oh ex really is awful, assaults on her previous partner’s gf, I’ve seen it all with own eyes, she traumatised oh other dd.

There are shit parents on both side, the trick is to take time and make sure things move at a pace where you can ascertain the truth and make your own mind up.

MzHz · 31/03/2022 23:07

The non listening oh was ds dad, not my current partner btw 😂

ReadyforTakeOff · 31/03/2022 23:17

Dump him. What a useless twat.

Blossom64265 · 31/03/2022 23:22

I would walk away. There is a slim chance he is the extremely rare circumstance where leaving his child behind was in the best interest of the child and not because he was the problem, but why take the chance.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/03/2022 23:32

@Theunamedcat

I'm difficult as a mother I expected my ex to be straight and sober when he saw his daughter and not bring alcohol in pop bottles to my house or pills in a bag she could get into he couldn't cope with that twice a week we cut it to once to help him he couldn't do that either his mom supervised this consisted of her fucking off out and leaving her alone with him she came back filthy I don't mean enjoyed herself filthy I mean she had been walked through feaces in her socks and they put her shoes on filthy not given her inhaler to her not fed her because he "didn't think" then wondered why she was crying so it was on me he asked to take her to the shop for sweeties I said yes he took her to a drug dealers house instead

So yes im difficult and he has had no contact for years because of me

I would have done the same Thanks
billy1966 · 31/03/2022 23:42

@Clymene

He has got access but chooses not to have it.

And his child isn't a past child. It's a current, living, breathing one. Whose dad has decided he doesn't want to see.

This.

Selfish waster who definitely hasn't told you the truth.

Casper001 · 01/04/2022 06:00

@secretsqizzle

This is classic MN

All mothers are saintly and would never resort to alienation.

All absent fathers are dead beat dads .

Sorry to tell you life ain't like that. !

17 years on ... ALL my DH kids eventually moved in with us. They worked it out... and S soon as able voted with their feet.

Quite. You can only conclude there are women on MN that alienate the kids and think it's acceptable. Shocking really.
Redberries85 · 01/04/2022 06:05

Sounds like my ex, there’s usually more to it. It grated on me the entire relationship.
Eventually he became very rude to my teenage daughter when she grew up and had opinions. I’d steer we’ll clear if it was me

Darbs76 · 01/04/2022 06:11

For me it would be a hard no. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who gave up on their child. Yes some people can poison their child’s minds but just giving up on him is something I couldn’t understand

RantyAunty · 01/04/2022 06:17

He abandoned a 5 year old.
Tells you everything you need to know.

RoyKent · 01/04/2022 06:20

I'm assuming people here who are excusing cutting off a child because they relationship with the mother wasn't long enough or they were a "family" man when they got another shot have never had to ait with a sobbing child and explain why they haven't got a daddy.

Just10moreminutesplease · 01/04/2022 06:53

It would be an absolute no from me. I just couldn’t respect someone who wasn’t fighting to see their child.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/04/2022 06:56

Massive red flag. Id never leave my child behind if I had to fight for the rest of my life.

WaterBottle123 · 01/04/2022 07:21

OP there are thousands of men out there, there is no need to lower your standards to someone who has a tantrum because his son doesn't call him dad.

You could give him the benefit of the doubt. Or you could not waste your precious time and find someone with a spine.

Momr · 01/04/2022 08:32

May be he made a mistake. But that's how the world has hate and love relationships. OP , you don't have to judge him for his child . It doesn't help his child any. You might come across some other traits you may get attracted or not attracted. He might be careful to not do it again and may be child is happy without him. I know a mom with 2 boys ,they see dad every week or so. The boys are awful bullies, no respect for people and adults.

moocow1234567 · 01/04/2022 09:51

This is such a big issue.

Why isn't he being proactive and trying to see his child? He obviously doesn't want to see him or he's not willing to make the effort.

I have Daughters aged 2 & 4 and I can't even begin to tell you how distraught (and that word doesn't really cover it) they would be if their Dad just walked away from their lives. The bond you have with your child by the age of 5 would be huge. It would be beyond difficult to walk away.

But why doesn't he feel like that? He's just hoping he will get in touch when he's older? Why put that on the child.

He may well change, but personally I wouldn't waste my time. Say you have a child with him, you will soon be wondering how it is possible to cut off the relationship and will probably lose all respect for him.

AgingBadly · 02/04/2022 05:25

This is interesting - if it went through court and he was allocated 1 day per week that means he presumably started the court process and wanted contact...

Maybe he was abusive - wanted to win the fight... went through court, won 1 day per week due to safety concerns, was pissed off that he didn't get more contact (read, win the fight) and chucked his toys (and child) out of the pram. That's my best guess!

Either way, his excuse that he doesn't want to see his child because he calls him by his actual name is flimsy...

Anon778833 · 02/04/2022 05:31

This would definitely be an automatic red flag for me. I don’t date men who have children they don’t see. And he’s slagging off his ex to you as well. No doubt, in his telling of events, he has done nothing wrong and it’s all her?

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Fuuuuuckit · 02/04/2022 07:20

@Django2

He pays child maintenance yes. He seems to talk quite fondly of his son and says "he hopes when he's an adult he will seek him out" I'd told him to not bank on that and the fact he has run will just seem like you don't care and give more opportunity for his ex to talk bad.
My kids have seen their dad maybe 12 times in the last 10 years (entirely on him, I've always encouraged contact. Begged at times...). Ds is now an adult and has very clearly decreed that he will never see his dad again. They both worked him out years ago op.

He has been with his now fiancee for years, she seems normal enough, but I just cannot get my head around a woman who engages in a relationship with a man who doesn't see his kids. As pp said I would fight to the end to see my dc, and if your dp isn't fighting for them, he's not a keeper.

I'd judge you for taking up with a man who doesn't make the effort to see his kids

lunar1 · 02/04/2022 07:37

What do you think a 'past child' is? Children are people and can't be replaced with new versions. His ds will always be his child no matter how many he has in the future.

There should be a far greater stigma directed at parents who abandon children, we should be embarrassed to associate with them.

If you continue to see him some people will judge you, and you certainly wouldn't be viewed as someone with high family values.

Loopytiles · 02/04/2022 07:46

You’re foolish to even consider continuing to date this loser.

Arguing that him having abandoned his DC is somehow be better for his DC than contact Self serving, lazy bollocks.

‘Hoping’ that DC might ‘look him up’ in the future! Angry Have you seen the documentary about the sperm donor with lots of DC? That man said something similar to your boyfriend: all he wanted to offer those of his DC who looked him up was coffee and a chat. Which I was personally uncomfortable with, but he was a sperm donor and had never made promises to parent his biological DC.

Even if your boyfriend’s ex wife WAS emotionally abusing their DC with parental alienation, making access difficult etc, which might not be the case, that’d be even more reason not to give up, for the DC’s sake.

Surely you can do better?