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Original poster

Thoughts on dating someone who doesn't see past children?

125 replies

Django2 · 31/03/2022 12:53

Met a new guy, who I genuinely like, he was in a previous marriage where he had a son who is now 7, he hasn't seen him in 18 months and claims it's because he wanted to stop "hurting him" with the situation between him and ex wife. He was allocated a day a week through court which I thought was odd? Apparently it's because he hadn't been in his life for a bit so that's what they started off with, is there more likely to be more to that truth? But apparently on the visits his son stopped calling him dad and his real name and he was saying he could bare for him to keep being brainwashed by his mum so it was best to stay out of his life and confusing him more.

I have very high family values and I'm not sure how I feel about him accepting no contact with his son... is this someone you would consider a future with? Of course maybe you need to know more of the story but just wondering if at a first glance it's something you would avoid

OP posts:
ThatsNotItAtAll · 31/03/2022 15:12

Actually the phrase "past children" - whoever's wording that is - is a can of worms all by itself. Used here about a child who is 7 years old now.

SucculentChalice · 31/03/2022 15:21

@Django2

He pays child maintenance yes. He seems to talk quite fondly of his son and says "he hopes when he's an adult he will seek him out" I'd told him to not bank on that and the fact he has run will just seem like you don't care and give more opportunity for his ex to talk bad.
Oh yes, once his mother has done all the hard work of bringing up his child he might leave it to his own son to "seek him out". Rather than trying to build a relationship when the child is young.

Ugh. Who else is he thinking of abandoning? I would think he would be one of those men who dumps women any time the going gets slightly difficult or someone knew and fresh comes into his eyeline.

Crimeismymiddlename · 31/03/2022 15:27

I can’t believe men in this day and age still think that women believe this utter nonsense.
He hopes the child will seek him out in the future. Wow. Possibly the child’s mother has the measure of him rather than doing parental alienation. He might also pay child maintenance to avoid further court proceedings and difficult questions on why he has chosen to not see his son.

trevthecat · 31/03/2022 15:29

I am a mother of two who's dad doesn't see them. He tells his gf this sort of stuff. I've brainwashed etc it's all bull. He hasn't seen them for 9 years. And it hurts them. I couldn't have any respect for anyone that could walk away from their children without a fight

purpleboy · 31/03/2022 15:54

@belle40

I don't understand people who are okay with parents cutting contact with their children. My child was on the receiving end of this. The OW and my ex play happy families with my ex's older children but our child doesn't exist. I can only assume it is because my child has an incredibly strong resemblance to me and my ex and OW don't want such a strong physical reminder of their behaviour.

In my experience, people who do this are deeply unpleasant, dishonest and highly manipulative. I think extremely poorly of women who support these men.

Mine was exactly this, she even told someone she didn't like dd and didn't want her around because we looked so alike. She was 6 at the time.

He has no relationship with dd now and hasn't spoke to her for over 3 years, since her 16th birthday.

Run op, any man who can ignore a child is not a man to be around. TBH he just sounds a bit pathetic and weak, his excuses are crap.

AHungryCaterpillar · 31/03/2022 15:58

I believed my ex when he said he didn’t see his child because his ex didn’t let him, in my defence I was young and it was my first relationship, guess what he doesn’t see our kids now 🙄 now I am older and wiser no I wouldn’t date someone who had kids they don’t see for whatever reason they give.

RiverRats · 31/03/2022 16:06

I could never be with a man like this. My aunt is, he has 2 children from a previous relationship who he never sees, and they have 3 together. He’s a dick. Nothing would stop me fighting to see my child.

Theunamedcat · 31/03/2022 16:21

I have a fifty year old relative out there somewhere her father has died and they don't know because they never sought him out

EV117 · 31/03/2022 16:26

No. He’s way to complacent about it, something’s not right.

ThatsAllFolks · 31/03/2022 16:36

My ex went for the new life leave child behind, hope child would seek him out line. Seen him twice in twenty years. My son is seeing him again this summer for an event but he can't see it could b a close relationship. I've done two decades of parenting, he hasn't bothered.Does my son feel short-changed? Absolutely. Does he feel angry? No. He has no emotion towards him. But there are younger children that got parented. So it doesn't mean Ur chap won't parent future kids. It's just I can't understand it. I've a blended family and as Stitch says, family means no one gets left behind.

saturdayhelicopter · 31/03/2022 17:03

I mean, you're never going to know for sure that he's telling the truth are you? Would you be ok with the possibility that he might not be permitted to spend time with his son?

We have a family friend who has a son he's never seen (one night stand).The son is now 16. Family friend recently had a child with current partner and is suddenly horrified at his own previous lack of interest. Are you prepared to hand hold through that at a later stage?

For me it all sounds too red flaggy. It'd be a hard no.

bhooks · 31/03/2022 17:53

I'd run.
I've seen this too many times.
One example - close friend:

Her new boyfriend said his ex had cheated and that's why they'd split. They'd both moved post break up to cheaper areas and he'd travelled to see the kids initially but his ex had made it harder and harder for him - wanted to replace him with her new man. He paid maintenance though and planned to go to court for access if his ex didn't relent. Didn't call his ex harsh names or say she was crazy, so friend believed him.

Friend believed all that. Fast forward a few years. He hadn't seen his kids for a long, long time. Always just about to start fighting to see them but never actually did. Turned out he wasn't paying maintenance. Oh, and he'd been the cheat. He cheated on my friend, dumped her, moved away and - surprise, surprise - doesn't see their child or pay maintenance for their child either.

Told anyone who'd listen how unlucky he was with his exes.

I can think of several more examples.

You've met someone who can't make the effort to see his child one day a week, just one day, and is making feeble excuses about why. Run.

WyfOfBathe · 31/03/2022 17:57

When I met DH, he didn't have contact with his DD. However, we were friends before we started dating and I knew that he was truly doing his best through the courts to get contact - and once he had contact, he took every opportunity offered to see DD. I wouldn't date someone who had chosen not to see his child.

Kukdoos · 31/03/2022 17:59

There are wasters who can't be bothered with their children, and there are genuine men who don't see their kids because they relationship with the mother is truly that awful. I guess the choice is carry on seeing him, to seek the truth, or stand by your belief now.

My BIL is an example. The child sadly manipulated by the mother, to the point, where the child was vomiting and not sleeping when staying at BIL.

The mother was lonely without them, didn't like it when the child was at 'daddies' etc. The child was so distressed at being away from the mother, because they genuinely thought it was their fault mummy was sad when they went. A very vile woman, very abusive to DS, wouldn't let the child see BIL because he was in a new relationship. Court agreement for EOW and a day in the week - so the manipulation was turned to the child. Try proving that in court. BIL genuinely does let the child dictate contact, because he doesn't want to harm or distress her.

OhamIreally · 31/03/2022 17:59

@Django2 I recommend you also post this in the Lone Parents topic and see what the women there say.

audweb · 31/03/2022 18:02

Nah. He has contact arranged and he’s chosen to walk away from it? Nonsense. If he cared about his kid he would be consistent with that contact, rather than leaving the kid to do all the heavy lifting to build a relationship later in life.

I have an ex who is terrible with being consistent and around. He does less than the bare minimum. I know that’s not the story he will tell future girlfriends but it’s all his choice.

Clymene · 31/03/2022 18:04

He has got access but chooses not to have it.

And his child isn't a past child. It's a current, living, breathing one. Whose dad has decided he doesn't want to see.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/03/2022 18:11

Are you sure you're not dating my ex-husband as that's the sort of shite he's been telling people about why he doesn't see our son. The truth was he lost contact via court after refusing to engage with Cafcass because OW didn't want our son in the way and he didn't want to admit that he was choosing her over DS. I couldn't imagine every fancying somebody who has abandoned their own child. There is nothing more attractive than a decent parent in my view. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

MzHz · 31/03/2022 18:11

Being inconsistent as a dad is one thing

Being consistent and watching your little girl threatening to harm herself if you don’t give into the mother on yet another money extorting scheme or when she uses manipulative questioning to stress the kid out to the point she’s beside herself and it takes hours and hours every single contact to undo?

When you’re dealing with mothers like this it’s not the same as a lane arse dad. Sometimes there really are mitigating circumstances and it’s best to back off, take yourself out of the question so there’s no object for her to try to destroy by using her own dd as a weapon

Better to be there on your own terms from afar than gift an opportunity for the ex to hurt your child to hurt you.

The other thing to bear in mind that in situations like these, the more effort and undoing of harm you do to help the child to counteract the batshit stuff, the more doubling down the mother does and it gets out of hand. You can’t fight and win this fight, not when the kids are that bit bigger. They wont leave their homes and the mother wont give up the control (and maintenance)

Fashionesta · 31/03/2022 18:19

I avoid two types of men online. Those who have photos of their kids online and say their kids are their life and those who make no attempt to have contact with their kids.

Fwiw ex DP has had full access to contact with DD since she was a baby but apparently it is all very painful for him and he barely sees her. He is however seemingly a happy family man with his wife and DDs two half siblings.

Knob!

MzHz · 31/03/2022 18:38

On my list of Online Dating Hell No’s was kids in profile pic.

Or no pic.

Voted Brexit

Called Dave

Poor spelling/grammar

I avoid everyone who states “my kids are my life” as people like this have fuck all to talk about

BOOTS52 · 31/03/2022 18:39

It would make me think there is something else going on. I would take it very slow. Does he always see his son on those days. Does he call his ex names and blame it all on her. Believe me there are lots of mums who want to have the dad's in their children's lives but lots of dad's just cannot be bothered and are selfish and also there are dad's who were abusive and that is why they need supervised visits or starting off slowly with visits. There are also mum's who use this to their advantage so they have not to see the dad's again but I personally do not know any mum's who do this and you would need to be a fairly messed up person or a very afraid mum of the dad to not want to see him again. Take your time, he should be making every effort to see his son and to have a relationship with him as that can tell you so much about a person, is he selfish or not. Hope this makes sense.

IncompleteSenten · 31/03/2022 18:40

I would not give a second of my time to a man who was capable of walking away from his child for any reason

secretsqizzle · 31/03/2022 19:27

This is classic MN

All mothers are saintly and would never resort to alienation.

All absent fathers are dead beat dads .

Sorry to tell you life ain't like that. !

17 years on ... ALL my DH kids eventually moved in with us. They worked it out... and S soon as able voted with their feet.

Justcallmebebes · 31/03/2022 19:52

My ex had virtually no contact with our daughter because he didn't want to be a "Saturday dad" as that was unfair on DD! He was a complete deadbeat.

I'd want both sides of the story before making a decision on him

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