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Original poster

Thoughts on dating someone who doesn't see past children?

125 replies

Django2 · 31/03/2022 12:53

Met a new guy, who I genuinely like, he was in a previous marriage where he had a son who is now 7, he hasn't seen him in 18 months and claims it's because he wanted to stop "hurting him" with the situation between him and ex wife. He was allocated a day a week through court which I thought was odd? Apparently it's because he hadn't been in his life for a bit so that's what they started off with, is there more likely to be more to that truth? But apparently on the visits his son stopped calling him dad and his real name and he was saying he could bare for him to keep being brainwashed by his mum so it was best to stay out of his life and confusing him more.

I have very high family values and I'm not sure how I feel about him accepting no contact with his son... is this someone you would consider a future with? Of course maybe you need to know more of the story but just wondering if at a first glance it's something you would avoid

OP posts:

Wnkingawalrus · 02/04/2022 07:50

I think it’s very easy to say I would never date someone who doesn’t see their kids. A close family member’s DH doesn’t see his child from first marriage, I don’t know the reasons why, but I can see what an amazing Dad he is to their joint child and his DSD.

Wnkingawalrus · 02/04/2022 07:51

Although I do think his excuse sounds bollocks, by the way.

Loopytiles · 02/04/2022 07:56

However ‘amazing’ your family member is, so far, with his second family, he’s still a shit parent to his older DC and someone who’s shown he can let a DC down very badly. Your family member has taken a massive risk.

lunar1 · 02/04/2022 08:48

If someone is a shit parent to one of their children then they are a shit parent. Sometimes actions are so bad it negates anything good they could possibly do.

Partyatnumber10 · 02/04/2022 08:52

@Wnkingawalrus

I wonder how the child from the first marriage would feel about her "absent father" being described as an amazing dad? Pretty shit I imagine and would spend his/her life wondering why they weren't good enough but the subsequent kids were. No, in my book, if you create a child then you step up and parent that child no matter how "inconvenient" that turns out to be. I couldn't form a friendship or relationship with somebody who was unwilling to do this.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 02/04/2022 08:57

@Anna197264

I think I would see how it goes. My cousin doesn’t see his DD because her mum was so poisonous. He’s was only 21 when she was born and he’s now nearly 50. He has since gone on to have another family and a steady marriage and is very much a family man.

That’s not a family man. Ignoring a child does not make you a family man.

OP, if this man can give on a child, the most precious thing in the world who he should be there to cherish and protect then he is not a good man.

DFOD · 02/04/2022 09:08

It seems this man appears to be emotionally quite satisfied and comfortable to walk away from his child and leaving it with a vague hope (though doesn’t look like he is personally bothered) that the child might come looking for him as an adult.

He seems very indifferent

NotNotNotMyName · 02/04/2022 09:18

At the end of the day, he’s most likely an arsehole.

No woman would try to turn their children against their dad for no good reason.

My exH was emotionally and sexually abusive to me (not the kids). I am NC with him bar the occasional one line email. He sees them one day a week only with no overnights. No court order, he knows it’d all come out if it went to court.

For contrast my more recent ex is allowed to see the DC we have together whenever he likes and in fact I want him to be an active part of his life. He wasn’t abusive.

So I would suspect there’s bad history there OP

SpaceshiptoMars · 02/04/2022 09:32

No woman would try to turn their children against their dad for no good reason.

Unfortunately, narcissism is not sex specific. There are plenty of troubled people out there, not all of them are men.

OP, the more important question is whether, if things changed, you are up to the challenges of being a stepmother. Take this man on, and you will be under pressure to get him to regain contact, possibly EOW and 50/50 in the future. If you succeed with that, most of the parenting duties will fall to you, and that may make you very unpopular with the exW.

I think MN is somewhat more adamant about 50/50 than the wider world, but it is an opinion strongly held by a section of society. So, do some homework - read some books about step-parenting and look at the relevant forum here.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/04/2022 09:33

This would be a flat no from me
He could see his son but chooses not to.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/04/2022 09:56

@RoyKent

I'm assuming people here who are excusing cutting off a child because they relationship with the mother wasn't long enough or they were a "family" man when they got another shot have never had to ait with a sobbing child and explain why they haven't got a daddy.

Nah. I was just the kid whose mother stopped the poor man from having contact as she didn't want to share her new possession, claiming that having him see me would cause more damage than having him erased.

HiKelsey · 02/04/2022 10:43

@Django2

He pays child maintenance yes. He seems to talk quite fondly of his son and says "he hopes when he's an adult he will seek him out" I'd told him to not bank on that and the fact he has run will just seem like you don't care and give more opportunity for his ex to talk bad.

Long story short - ExH doesn't see DD; can't because court ruled no contact. But even before the courts final decision, he said he wanted no contact, and DD needed to find him when she's old enough. Her guardian at court said that the statement of giving the child responsibility to learn where they've come from shows that the parent can not be responsible and understand the child's needs. That was one of the reasons we got a no contact order granted by a judge.

Personally, from experience, I'd run

SpaceshiptoMars · 02/04/2022 10:47

Her guardian at court said that the statement of giving the child responsibility to learn where they've come from shows that the parent can not be responsible and understand the child's needs.

That's absurd. It denies the possibility of a change of heart. There must be a lot more to the no contact than some angry words at a difficult time in anyone's life. People show the worst side of themselves during divorce - it doesn't mean they can't regret that later when they've grown up a bit.

WetLookKnitwear · 02/04/2022 10:51

If you have high family values as you say you do, you won’t stay with this man. You are incompatible.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/04/2022 10:51

@Anna197264

My cousin doesn’t see his DD because her mum was so poisonous. He’s was only 21 when she was born and he’s now nearly 50.

Can you imagine walking away from a relationship with your child because the other parent was difficult? Never seeing that child again? No contact with them? I don't even have kids yet and can't imagine that.

It seems to be quite a sex specific thing. I don't know any women who would walk away from a relationship with their child because the dad (the ex) was horrible and made life hell. Not one. They'd all fight for the relationship even if it meant court etc.

Anna197264 · 02/04/2022 10:59

No I personally would never walk away from my children. I agree I would fight and fight. I’m just trying to say that not everyone is an awful person. He was young and maybe in hindsight he would do things differently. It’s a very sad situation.

I actually do know a woman who went to court to fight to see her child but the child came of an age where he could decide and he was a young teen, heavily influenced by his father and hasn’t really had contact with his mum since. Lots of domestic abuse (mental & physical) background there.

Not every situation is straight forward. I think those of us who have not had to face something like this should count ourselves lucky.

FI0N · 02/04/2022 11:05

If his ex is a psycho who brain washes his son then he needs to go to court for 100% residence, to protect his child from a crazy woman.

Or his story is a crock of shit and he simply CBA with his son because it’s difficult.

I’d run not walk OP.

SpaceshiptoMars · 02/04/2022 11:12

If his ex is a psycho who brain washes his son then he needs to go to court for 100% residence, to protect his child from a crazy woman.

Pretty high evidence bar needed to succeed.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/04/2022 11:15

@Anna197264

Not every situation is straight forward. I think those of us who have not had to face something like this should count ourselves lucky.

On reflection, I do appreciate the fact your cousin was 21 makes his situation very different to OP's bloke.

He was married to the mother of his child and fully in that child's life as his father from birth until 5 and a half.

Walking away after that level of being present and known with a 'hopefully he'll get in touch when he's 18' is awful.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/04/2022 11:17

@SpaceshiptoMars

If his ex is a psycho who brain washes his son then he needs to go to court for 100% residence, to protect his child from a crazy woman.

Pretty high evidence bar needed to succeed.

Agree but wouldn't you try rather than just walking away and leaving your child permanently with someone you say is a psycho who brain washes them?

SpaceshiptoMars · 02/04/2022 12:44

Agree but wouldn't you try rather than just walking away and leaving your child permanently with someone you say is a psycho who brain washes them?

Lots of depends, depends, really. If you know they are charm personified if they only get their way, but a demon from the deepest reaches of hell if they're thwarted - it's a tough call.

Keep your ear to the ground for people saying things like 'What A wants, A gets'.

RoseAndRose · 02/04/2022 12:49

@HellToTheNope

I can't believe you're falling for this bullshit. If he cared about seeing his son he would make it happen. He would be going to court to demand access.

He had court ordered weeklymaccess.

Nitnattending because his DC was going through a phase of calling him by name rather than Dad strikes me as a wholly self-centred and wholly inadequate reason.

DFOD · 02/04/2022 12:57

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

This would be a flat no from me He could see his son but chooses not to.

That’s the nub of it.

It’s his actual choice.

He has court ordered access which he chooses not to use - why?

As PP have said if the mother is the “psycho-bitch” (standard script characterisation by abusive men by the way) - then why hasn’t he doubled down to protect his vulnerable child and pushed for at least 50/50 so that his child can experience a functional, non toxic parental relationship at least half the week - so he could know, see and feel what normal, safe and stable looks like?

Whiskeypowers · 02/04/2022 13:00

He either can’t be arsed or actually can’t
Either way is shit

DFOD · 02/04/2022 13:03

@SpaceshiptoMars

If his ex is a psycho who brain washes his son then he needs to go to court for 100% residence, to protect his child from a crazy woman.

Pretty high evidence bar needed to succeed.

And I suspect that there is ZERO evidence here at all

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