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Relationships

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Original poster

Thoughts on dating someone who doesn't see past children?

125 replies

Django2 · 31/03/2022 12:53

Met a new guy, who I genuinely like, he was in a previous marriage where he had a son who is now 7, he hasn't seen him in 18 months and claims it's because he wanted to stop "hurting him" with the situation between him and ex wife. He was allocated a day a week through court which I thought was odd? Apparently it's because he hadn't been in his life for a bit so that's what they started off with, is there more likely to be more to that truth? But apparently on the visits his son stopped calling him dad and his real name and he was saying he could bare for him to keep being brainwashed by his mum so it was best to stay out of his life and confusing him more.

I have very high family values and I'm not sure how I feel about him accepting no contact with his son... is this someone you would consider a future with? Of course maybe you need to know more of the story but just wondering if at a first glance it's something you would avoid

OP posts:

Heelancoo · 02/04/2022 13:48

I got spun this line by my exh-stupidly I believed it because he just seemed so nice and was great with my (then 7 yr old DD). Cut to 5 years later, off he went, with not a backwards glance. Has never attempted to contact my DD despite proclaiming to love her. Subsequently found out he’d done exactly the same thing with a previous partner too. If I were you I’d run-fast and far away.

Original poster

Django2 · 03/04/2022 07:18

Thanks everyone! It's definitely given me a lot to think about. He's getting quite defensive the more I'm pestering him with questions and probably statements that sound quite judgy... but I feel like if we are serious about a future together, it shouldn't be that infuriating?

Definitely a lot to reconsider.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 03/04/2022 07:19

Not really, if you’ve any sense!

Sushi7 · 03/04/2022 07:25

I have so many questions. Why did the court only given him 1 day a week to see his 7yo ds? When did they break up (ie how old was the ds)? Why wouldn’t he fight to see his ds more? Unless he left when his ex was pregnant and never really saw his ds then I don’t understand why they don’t have a relationship. I would see this as a huge red flag. Don’t have dc with him.

Original poster

Django2 · 03/04/2022 07:31

@Sushi7

He said it's because he hadn't been in his life 6 months before the court decision and that factored into it, so he only got one day to start with. He hadn't seen him in those six months due to his mum being extremely difficult and so waited for the courts.

OP posts:

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 03/04/2022 07:33

My friend met a guy like this, we all felt sorry for him . They had a little girl and he buggered off and has made no effort to see that child either.

Sushi7 · 03/04/2022 07:33

@NotNotNotMyName No woman would try to turn their children against their dad for no good reason.

There are plenty of emotionally abusive, manipulative women who are compulsive liars and seek to hurt their DPs. Men are more likely to be physically abusive, but don’t underestimate emotionally abusive women - no one on the outside can see the damage until it has gotten out of hand. I’ve seen men become a shell of their former selves, paranoid and scared of their own shadow. So worried that they’d upset their DP.

However, if OP’s new bf was abused then he would be fighting to see his ds. I think it’s odd he was only allocated one day a week and now none. I wonder how old ds was when they broke up.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 03/04/2022 07:39

He's putting the blame on a small child ( by not calling him dad ?) Then he needs to bond with that kid not abandon him . What a twat

And BTW my ex is an ' amazing ' dad to the child he actually lives with now but still a shit dad to our ds that he sees 4 days a month and fobs off onto his mother

BottleBrushTree · 03/04/2022 07:40

It wouldn’t completely turn me off but I’d be very wary. Kids can absolutely be manipulated by adults around them (look at all the threads on here including relationships between adult children and their parents), but I’d absolutely be very careful. My own father did not have anything to do with his “first family” children when he split with their mother when they were about 7 and 10, but he was fine all his life with us including after my parents split.

However I would also be quite wary about getting into a relationship with him in regards to he is bringing a LOT of baggage. If he does end up having more to do with his kid as the years go by there’s likely to be animosity between him and his ex and your role may end up bad stepmother (read all those threads). It might be easier for you to find a guy without kids and a compliance story.

southern82 · 03/04/2022 07:44

Are you dating my ex husband? It's exactly the same scenario! Run as fast as you can! I would move heaven and earth to see my son. My ex claims he won't see our son because he remembers how it felt with separated parents, so he just isn't going to bother with our son until he is older! Wtf. He is a complete selfish narcissist. He doesn't have a relationship with his other child either. It's a huge red flag

Sushi7 · 03/04/2022 07:54

@Django2 He said it's because he hadn't been in his life 6 months before the court decision and that factored into it, so he only got one day to start with. He hadn't seen him in those six months due to his mum being extremely difficult and so waited for the courts.

6 months is a very long time not to see a young dc. How frequent was his contact prior to those 6 months? Did he fight to see his ds after they split? Did he seek professional support to figure out a way to stop his ex from stopping her ds from seeing his df?

Monzeitia · 03/04/2022 08:07

I dated a man who’s father left to be with another woman and her children, he was 12 years old, his father was devoted to his second family but didn’t see his real children, this completely ruin his life to the point that he isn’t capable to be in a loving relationship, I wouldn’t be with a man who doesn’t fight to see his children, never

DriftGames · 03/04/2022 08:13

It would be a no from me.

My (almost) exH had a 6yo DS that he didn't have contact with - I was given a brief overview but he made out that his ex was the issue - though couldn't justify why he never went to court to settle an arrangement. Didn't pay either. Like an idiot, I married this man and had our DD. He does see our DD but once a fortnight and he struggles to do his allocated time during that day. Always a late collection and early drop off. This is all his choice, we live less than half a mile away from each other. He is a huge narcissist.

Doesn't sit well with me OP.

DaisyStPatience · 03/04/2022 08:13

Save yourself the heartache and move on. Of course all these men blame the mothers. I don't doubt that my exh and his family (who haven't had contact with our baby since we split) have rewritten me as crazy and vindictive - and after years of abuse and gaslighting, of course I had moments of behaving like that in the end when I was utterly broken. So even if outwardly it looks as though the child's mum has behaved badly, question why. These deadbeats will twist reality not just to gain other people's sympathy but also to reinforce their own worldview of always being the victim and never being wrong.

DFOD · 03/04/2022 08:21

Him being defensive when you ask reasonable although sensitive questions would also be a red flag. If he was devastated and depressed when you probed that would be more understandable - but defensive - sounds like he wants you to shut up and just accept his version.

Couple of Qs - think that a couple have been asked a few times already but not answered:

Why did they separate?
How old was the child when this happened?
How long did he see the child one day a week for?

rattlemehearties · 03/04/2022 08:24

Your title is nonsense OP, he's clearly got into your head. It's not a "past" child! It's a real life here and now child that he's ignoring and not even seeing once a week as ordered. What on earth do you see in him?

cupofdecaf · 03/04/2022 08:32

Sounds like the kind of line my dad spins. Even tried it on me once. This is the dad who went to some very extreme lengths to avoid paying maintenance.
My mum only ever told me what she actually thought once when I was a child when (looking back and adding up other stuff going on around the same time) he was still trying to control her life.
Now he's retiring and has no where to live he's hinting at staying with me for a bit

Iamkmackered1979 · 03/04/2022 09:16

He’s not a past child though he’s a child your boyfriends child who he chooses not to see, so instead of trying to be the best dad he can be he’s behaving like a petulant child.

Pathetic really to bring a child into the world and not want to do your best by him or her and that goes for both parents.

billy1966 · 03/04/2022 10:30

You would want to be mad to look at him as a long term bet.

If you do, at least you can't honestly be surprised if he vanishes to on YOUR past child.

He is showing you who he is, you really should believe.

Of course he is getting defensive.
Wasters don't like being questioned as to why they are a waster.

"A past child"🙄 I've heard it all.

sophienelisse · 03/04/2022 17:22

If it was you and you were separated from your child for whatever reason, would you just leave it at that?

I wouldn't. I would fight for my child till my last breath.

I could not be with anyone who had walked away.

sophienelisse · 03/04/2022 17:30

If you end up staying with him, having kids what's to stop him doing it again?

HiKelsey · 03/04/2022 23:12

@SpaceshiptoMars

Her guardian at court said that the statement of giving the child responsibility to learn where they've come from shows that the parent can not be responsible and understand the child's needs.

That's absurd. It denies the possibility of a change of heart. There must be a lot more to the no contact than some angry words at a difficult time in anyone's life. People show the worst side of themselves during divorce - it doesn't mean they can't regret that later when they've grown up a bit.

He had a psychological assessment and we weren't getting divorce we were in a child court because he broke her rib at 6 weeks old and told no one

HiKelsey · 03/04/2022 23:19

@SpaceshiptoMars

Her guardian at court said that the statement of giving the child responsibility to learn where they've come from shows that the parent can not be responsible and understand the child's needs.

We weren't at court about divorce, we were at family Court because he fractured her rib when she was a newborn and told no one.

He had a psychological assessment that prove him attitude wouldn't change and that he had borderline personality disorder with schizoid tendencies. He'd never be able to put DD first in any situation. And without therapy he will never change, which he has rejected therapy offered

TheBigDilemma · 03/04/2022 23:25

I would make a runner. What you see is what you will get if you ever have children and split up.

It is much easier to say the mum is crazy than saying he is a shit parent. Even in situations of abuse, it is very difficult for one parent to stop the other one from having contact. If he had no contact, it is because he is not bothered.

A parent who cares about their kids don’t sit back waiting for the child to come back when they are adults, they fight with all their might to keep in touch with their children.

Sweetnessandbite · 03/04/2022 23:45

If he can't even care properly for his blood, his child, then he isn't capable of proper love and care. He should be trying to resolve his relationship with his child before he attempts to find a new partner.
Stay clear of him.

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