Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Is this weird - fiancé and colleague

149 replies

jjanice842 · 29/03/2022 21:59

My fiancé is going to his mum’s new holiday home this weekend to do some stuff like cleaning, organising, gardening etc. I’m out with friends and not going. He said he has asked his (female) colleague to go with him for the day. I’ve met her briefly before (she was really nice) she is single and very attractive. I know they are good friends and occasionally meet at lunchtimes during the week (we live not far from each other). I’ve never suspected a thing but the thought of them spending a day together a few hours away feels a bit odd. Should I be worried?

OP posts:

5128gap · 30/03/2022 18:41

@gannett

And it's great that you are certain you're not going to cheat. But the only person you can ever be certain about with regards to that is yourself. None of us can be certain about anyone else, as the volume of betrayed partners testifies. The OP doesn't know for sure about her partner, and trusting someone is no guarantee they warrant it.

Yes but this applies whether your partner is having DIY days with female friends or not. This year, for example, I'm fairly sure neither DP nor I have done anything that could be construed as suspicious by anyone at all, in terms of odd days with one other friend of the opposite sex. Nonetheless both of us would have had ample opportunity to cheat were we so minded. I WFH and could have had any amount of men round. When DP goes off to work for a couple of hours on his side business he could be seeing any amount of women.

You just have to trust that your partner isn't doing that. Trust isn't a certainty, it's a decision.

Sometimes though, deciding to trust is the wrong decision. How many affairs do you think are facilitated because the unsuspecting primary partner, who trusts and isn't 'controlling' puts up no objection to the 'friendship', giving them ample opportunity to hide in plain sight? If you were to invite men round while WFH, that would be deliberately going out of your way to cheat for the sake of it. I don't believe the majority of people who cheat do that. I think what far more commonly happens is that they are attracted to someone, like them, become friends with them, no one objects, and they push the boundaries more and more. Removing the opportunity for that to happen by avoiding the sort of situation the OP describes not only reduces opportunity but also probably puts a break on motivation, as the bond doesn't form so easily. I agree that if people are determined to have an affair they probably will, but their partner doesn't have to help them along.

Electriq · 30/03/2022 18:43

Id say to him 'Oh Xhas covid, the night out is cancelled, ugh, So I can come with you to your mum's holiday home now' just to gauge his reaction.

grapewines · 30/03/2022 18:47

I'm usually not bothered at all, and the lunches and whatever wouldn't, but I'd find this weird. Just why?

oviraptor21 · 30/03/2022 18:57

@Thinking2041

She is going to help him clean and garden and organise his mums holiday home?! Is that not a very odd thing for a colleague/friend to get involved with?

She has a child. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I’d arrange childcare to go and help a man clean someone’s house unless he and I were dating or very close friends.

Maybe the ex has the DC for the weekend and she has nothing better to do?

I'd be fine with this. Male friend/female friend - no difference unless spidey senses say something else.

greenlynx · 30/03/2022 19:02

Tbh I wouldn’t like it, it’s a bit odd especially knowing that she will have free day without her child.

SecondClassmyass · 30/03/2022 19:03

Of course she is very nice& young and attractive. Bet he wouldn’t be bringing Dave from accounts with a big belly for the day of cleaning to a holiday home.

PebbleMillAtOne · 30/03/2022 19:09

My attitude is if partner wants to cheat he will and that’s the end of our relationship. No point worrying about it

Nat94 · 30/03/2022 19:35

I would say no.

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 19:41

@PebbleMillAtOne

My attitude is if partner wants to cheat he will and that’s the end of our relationship. No point worrying about it

My partner attempting to make a complete mug of me in the build up to his cheating would be the end of the relationship for me.

I'm not going to sit around like a knob and wait until he actually has sex with his pretty 'friend'.

Tealember · 30/03/2022 19:42

It may not be the right attitude bit absolutely no, I would NOT be happy with this.

BulletTrain · 30/03/2022 19:51

@girlmom21 Exactly. I know a few situations where a relationship broke down and the so called female "friend" of the man becomes the next girlfriend. We know what it looks like when our partners fall for someone else - we have lived it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/03/2022 20:37

It's never 55 year old Jane from accounting who has much more experience in gardening and organising, is it?

My very thought

Personally I'd say you're unexpectedly free so will come too; his expression will tell you everything you need to know

SarahDippity · 30/03/2022 20:43

If I’d a child-free weekend, the absolute last thing I’d be doing would be going to someone’s mother’s holiday home to clean, do a few jobs and tidy the garden

gannett · 30/03/2022 22:29

If you were to invite men round while WFH, that would be deliberately going out of your way to cheat for the sake of it. I don't believe the majority of people who cheat do that. I think what far more commonly happens is that they are attracted to someone, like them, become friends with them, no one objects, and they push the boundaries more and more.

I guess this is where we differ. I think the type of person who cheats is going to find a way regardless of where their partner's boundaries are, and a lot of the time their outward behaviour will be eminently appropriate and respectable. Maybe I'm projecting my values, and what seem to be the values of the men and women around me; I find it easy not to act on sexual attraction even when in an ostensibly inappropriate situation, and so have most male friends I've been in those situations with. And I've been in a lot of situations with male friends where, if relayed on here, MN would 100% say he's having an affair with me.

longcoffeebreak · 30/03/2022 22:30

OP has disappeared

Buttercup54321 · 30/03/2022 23:25

That would not be happening!!

NotaCoolMum · 31/03/2022 07:25

@Marvellousmadness

Affair! definitely.

Hidden in plain sight.

Yes!!!! 🙌🙌🙌 for those saying “he’s not hiding anything”…. 🙄🙄🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

SauceGirl · 31/03/2022 08:59

OP probably came to her senses and realised everyone's attitude are so odd. He asked her, she sais no. You are now suggesting she cancels her engagement, lie to her friends that she has COVID, so she can go an check that he I not having an affair with a girl he has known for years and who she knows is going to the house. No wonder there are so many takes of marital woe on here

Original poster

jjanice842 · 31/03/2022 09:19

I don't know why the OP always gets accused of "disappearing". There are lots of really helpful responses and insight here, which I've been reading and digesting. I don't think at the moment there is anything to worry about but I will certainly keep my radar switched on

OP posts:

Fairyarmpits · 31/03/2022 18:54

@jjanice842

Have you actually read the thread?

MeridianB · 31/03/2022 20:43

@M0rT

I would find it hard to convince my lifelong friends to spend a off day cleaning my mother's holiday home, so I'd be bemused if my DH had managed to convince a colleague to do so!

This hits the nail on the had. This is why it doesn’t look or feel right. It’s unnecessary and odd. Trust your instincts, OP.

theonlygirl · 31/03/2022 22:34

Turn up, unannounced, part way through the day, take them some food or something, say you decided to help after all. Their reaction and the atmosphere might give you a steer as to what's going on. Innocent friendship or 2 people trying to find a way to spend more time together.

MsDogLady · 01/04/2022 04:30

Janice, I still don’t like the sound of this. When I posted previously, I had not noticed the info re her Ex.

Your H and this colleague have been building a personal relationship for a year. She is very attractive, they get on really well, and have loads of common interests/the same sense of humor. Considering that whole package, he likely fancies her. They enjoy 1:1 lunches and walks, have been on nights out in groups, lingered for 2 hours together one evening, and she has driven him home from a night out. She has confided in him about her horrible Ex/marriage. He may feel flattered that she has shared her vulnerability. The exchange of this type of emotional energy can lead to inappropriate closeness/emotional affairs.

Do you know if they’ve been messaging?

Now they are planning this out-of-town adventure, which will provide even more time for bonding and mutual ego validation. In my view, they are playing with fire. I would have a conversation with H about the importance of keeping strong boundaries in the face of flattery/temptation. I’d lay my cards on the table about my discomfort over this trip. Janice, you’d be wise to not underreact here.

timestheyarechanging · 02/04/2022 10:02

One of my best friends, of over 30 years is a man and married and more like the brother I never had. But, in a relationship, I wouldn't do this, even with him. My partner has female friends and I would be uncomfortable with this.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6