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Original poster

Is this weird - fiancé and colleague

149 replies

jjanice842 · 29/03/2022 21:59

My fiancé is going to his mum’s new holiday home this weekend to do some stuff like cleaning, organising, gardening etc. I’m out with friends and not going. He said he has asked his (female) colleague to go with him for the day. I’ve met her briefly before (she was really nice) she is single and very attractive. I know they are good friends and occasionally meet at lunchtimes during the week (we live not far from each other). I’ve never suspected a thing but the thought of them spending a day together a few hours away feels a bit odd. Should I be worried?

OP posts:
5128gap · 30/03/2022 13:33

@Fupoffyagrasshole

So you can never make a new friend again once you have a partner ?seriusly?

I met a guy at work about 4 years ago and we became very close friends and do loads of stuff together

I call round his house when I’m passing we go on nights out together, giga and stuff

I don’t see it as different to making a female friend at work

A lot of very insecure people on here 😂

We have a baby now so my husband and I can’t always get out together and to stuff as one of us needs to look after baby so I go out with my friends to stuff instead

Or some very secure ones who are happy to set and enforce boundaries. And know from experience how many men who befriend women have ulterior motives.
Momijin · 30/03/2022 13:33

I'd trust my boyfriend because I know he would ask Jane aged 60 from accounting and Jim from down the road and he has a strong set of ethics. Lives and breathes it. So no, it wouldn't bother me but I would wander why she, if she has a young kid would spend precious free time cleaning someone's house!

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 13:37

[quote KirstenBlest]@girlmom21, Not any more, as we didn't want the same from the friendship. He's nice and good company but I didn't fancy him

I have befriended colleagues. If the colleague is married then one needs to be aware that no lines are crossed, If both friends are single, then as long as there's no stringing along and that if anything happens and you fall out, you will lose a friend[/quote]
So your friend, who fancied you, told you men are only friends with women that they fancy?

And you're taking his word as gospel and not seeing his ulterior motive?

UrslaB · 30/03/2022 13:37

I will be honest in that this wouldn't bother me but I recognise that everyone has different comfort levels and how far trust extends. That little voice in the back of the head can be annoying with all its dark thoughts.

Have you gently probed DH about why she is coming along or what made him invite her? Is she an extra pair of hands to clean, going for a day out to kill the bordom and lack of human contact that comes with home working? Is she just company?

I know I have helped out male friends in the past with everything from painting and decorating, shopping, to setting up home security. That was just to spend time with a friend, for the banter and to offer a hand in a job they weren't confident with. I never gave it much thought about whether their other halves would feel weird about it or worry. Well, that is a lie, me and a male friend did do a city day trip a few years back to check out an exhibit we shared an interest in. His wife ended up confronting me in Tesco a few weeks later when we ran into each other (i barely knew the woman at the time)which was odd. Odder still since she got very quiet when my own gf at the time walked up. Lol, I have always made a point to ensure my male friends wives know I am more likely to be interested in them than their husbands since then.

My other half is Pan but I just don't have the same susupicions if she is hanging out with male or female friends, I think its a very personal thing and you have to discuss what you are comfortable with with your partner.

Lilybow · 30/03/2022 13:38

No something is very off here sorry...
If my husband needed help cleaning his MIL holiday home the last person he would ask would be a female colleague, he would ask a mate or sort it himself. Very odd and screams alarm bells to me.
Even if he has told you, doesn't mean that that spending all day together in this house won't lead to at best - an emotional affair.

KirstenBlest · 30/03/2022 13:46

@girlmom21, Not sure I understand you.

I met someone, we had lots in common, got on well, he wanted a physical relationship and I didn't. There's no ulterior motive other than I needed a friend and he fancied me

I don't take his word as gospel, I have male friends but I have seen time and again that there tends to be a physical attraction on the man's part, or he finds the attention an ego boost.

gannett · 30/03/2022 14:32

Theoretically though, if I were single, liked a man enough to want to be his close friend, and he was attractive, then I'd be dating him, as what more could I want than that?

It doesn't work like that. I find a few male friends attractive physically. I also enjoy their company a lot, they're my friends. But even if we were both single I wouldn't consider a relationship with them for various reasons. Sometimes I like them but only in certain amounts rather than all the time. Sometimes I've lived with them (as housemates) and our domestic styles are incompatible. Sometimes we have too many different interests. Sometimes we're too similar and we both know that we'd drive each other up the wall in a relationship. Sometimes they want different things out of life (kids, domesticity) to me (no kids, travelling).

And finding someone likeable and attractive isn't a complication to me. It doesn't matter how much time I spend with them because I'm not going to cheat and neither are they.

Fairyliz · 30/03/2022 15:03

Blimey it’s hard enough cleaning my own home, I certainly wouldn’t want to put my child into childcare to go and clean for someone I don’t know.
It’s not something I would ask my best friend for help with never mind a colleague.

JangolinaPitt · 30/03/2022 15:07

@RantyAunty

It's never 55 year old Jane from accounting who has much more experience in gardening and organising, is it?
This
Frankola · 30/03/2022 15:13

So is he saying she's going to help him clean and garden? On her day off work?

I'm pretty laid back but I reckon that's a total load of tosh he's telling you

5128gap · 30/03/2022 15:25

@gannett

Theoretically though, if I were single, liked a man enough to want to be his close friend, and he was attractive, then I'd be dating him, as what more could I want than that?

It doesn't work like that. I find a few male friends attractive physically. I also enjoy their company a lot, they're my friends. But even if we were both single I wouldn't consider a relationship with them for various reasons. Sometimes I like them but only in certain amounts rather than all the time. Sometimes I've lived with them (as housemates) and our domestic styles are incompatible. Sometimes we have too many different interests. Sometimes we're too similar and we both know that we'd drive each other up the wall in a relationship. Sometimes they want different things out of life (kids, domesticity) to me (no kids, travelling).

And finding someone likeable and attractive isn't a complication to me. It doesn't matter how much time I spend with them because I'm not going to cheat and neither are they.

I get that. But dating or having an affair with someone doesn't require all those things you list that might preclude a serious relationship with them. The basic ingredients for an affair, given that's what the fear is here, are a strong positive feeling towards the person, plus physical attraction. When contemplating affairs people don't typically worry about whether the other party leaves the cap off the toothpaste or shares their love of origami. They rarely see beyond the immediate gratification and their desire for the other person. And it's great that you are certain you're not going to cheat. But the only person you can ever be certain about with regards to that is yourself. None of us can be certain about anyone else, as the volume of betrayed partners testifies. The OP doesn't know for sure about her partner, and trusting someone is no guarantee they warrant it.
MRSAHILL · 30/03/2022 15:39

This sounds a very similar situation to the one that is currently running on another very popular thread at the moment. That OP probably wishes she could turn back time to when her husband was her fiance and became extremely "friendly" with his female work colleague and perhaps put a stop to their "friendship" or walk away and leave them to it, then she might not be suffering the heartbreak she is now, many years and 2 children later. I suggest you read that thread and it might help you to decide about your own future.

BulletTrain · 30/03/2022 16:39

I'd only agree to do a chore like this on a weekend with a male friend if I had an enormous crush and wanted an excuse to spend the day alone with him. Just saying.

Hariboqueen1 · 30/03/2022 17:05

No way. The thing is it doesnt matter if you trust them to not do anything they probably wont. The problem is he could catch feelings for her. Spending a day alone together. They say you cant help who you fancy, but you can, you dont spend leisure time alone with someone who you could find attractive. Affair partners that say it just happened, we couldnt help how we feel about each other- yes you can dont allow yourself to develop feelings.

Palmfrond · 30/03/2022 17:08

hell. fucking. no.

I’m sorry OP but imo a line was crossed when this overnight trip was arranged.
Single? Charming? Attractive? Alone in a house overnight? Let’s bring a bottle of wine to treat ourselves after a day of hard work. What could possibly go wrong?

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 17:31

@Palmfrond

hell. fucking. no.

I’m sorry OP but imo a line was crossed when this overnight trip was arranged.
Single? Charming? Attractive? Alone in a house overnight? Let’s bring a bottle of wine to treat ourselves after a day of hard work. What could possibly go wrong?

There's no overnight trip.
Fupoffyagrasshole · 30/03/2022 17:44

But you either trust your partner or you don’t. If you do then you wouldn’t care about this because you know he wouldn’t cheat even if the woman had her eyes on him.

If you have doubts then you do not trust him and probably shouldn’t be with him then

Sittinginthesand · 30/03/2022 17:52

Definitely not ok. Very much a ‘bonding type of activity. His reaction if you express reservations will tell you a lot. Or say you’d love to see the house and want to go and help too.

Sittinginthesand · 30/03/2022 17:58

It’s absolute rubbish to say you either trust someone or you don’t. There are circumstances that make things more likely than others. And people might be generally trustworthy but given circumstances give in to temptation. Alcohol being an obvious one and arranging all day long activities another. Eg I trust my dh but if he started a new, close friendship with another woman I’d be concerned.

5128gap · 30/03/2022 18:01

@Hariboqueen1

No way. The thing is it doesnt matter if you trust them to not do anything they probably wont. The problem is he could catch feelings for her. Spending a day alone together. They say you cant help who you fancy, but you can, you dont spend leisure time alone with someone who you could find attractive. Affair partners that say it just happened, we couldnt help how we feel about each other- yes you can dont allow yourself to develop feelings.
This is really important. Its all very well people saying you should (or they do) trust a partner not to cheat when it's all theoretical. When there's a real person standing in front of them that, in that moment at least, feels as though they mean as much to them as their primary partner, because thd thing has been allowed to develop through proximity, it can be a very different story.
Bookworm20 · 30/03/2022 18:02

@Sittinginthesand

It’s absolute rubbish to say you either trust someone or you don’t. There are circumstances that make things more likely than others. And people might be generally trustworthy but given circumstances give in to temptation. Alcohol being an obvious one and arranging all day long activities another. Eg I trust my dh but if he started a new, close friendship with another woman I’d be concerned.
Exactly. I trust my partner. Up to the point where he appears to be doing something I might want to question.
MsDogLady · 30/03/2022 18:07

What are you thinking, Janice?

gannett · 30/03/2022 18:19

And it's great that you are certain you're not going to cheat. But the only person you can ever be certain about with regards to that is yourself. None of us can be certain about anyone else, as the volume of betrayed partners testifies. The OP doesn't know for sure about her partner, and trusting someone is no guarantee they warrant it.

Yes but this applies whether your partner is having DIY days with female friends or not. This year, for example, I'm fairly sure neither DP nor I have done anything that could be construed as suspicious by anyone at all, in terms of odd days with one other friend of the opposite sex. Nonetheless both of us would have had ample opportunity to cheat were we so minded. I WFH and could have had any amount of men round. When DP goes off to work for a couple of hours on his side business he could be seeing any amount of women.

You just have to trust that your partner isn't doing that. Trust isn't a certainty, it's a decision.

JoanCandy · 30/03/2022 18:19

My two cents worth.
If he's never given you any reason to doubt him before then don't be worrying about this.
He might fancy her but - so what ? It doesn't mean that he's going to act on it and either are that way inclined then it will happen, 'holiday home cleaning' diversion or not.
I hope you're doing something nice with your friends on that day x

gannett · 30/03/2022 18:20

And I'm also certain that the male friends I mentioned aren't the cheating type. Not with me, anyway. Possibly they're just not attracted to me but there are friends I've been out drinking with one-on-one til 4am without getting hit on. Don't get me wrong, some men I know have made passes at me while being in a relationship, but I don't tend to keep those men as friends.