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Original poster

Is this weird - fiancé and colleague

149 replies

jjanice842 · 29/03/2022 21:59

My fiancé is going to his mum’s new holiday home this weekend to do some stuff like cleaning, organising, gardening etc. I’m out with friends and not going. He said he has asked his (female) colleague to go with him for the day. I’ve met her briefly before (she was really nice) she is single and very attractive. I know they are good friends and occasionally meet at lunchtimes during the week (we live not far from each other). I’ve never suspected a thing but the thought of them spending a day together a few hours away feels a bit odd. Should I be worried?

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 30/03/2022 09:48

@skipperjonce

So your fiancé has asked a friend to help him sort his parents holiday home? What’s the big deal? Maybe she has skills in DIY or gardening and would be useful.

This place feels full of insecure little housewives sometimes.

X I’m not insecure - just realistic ! X
SunflowerTed · 30/03/2022 09:51

@Nomorefuckstogive

Why aren’t you going to help, OP? Think I’d be tempted to tag along for a few hours.
Me too!!!
GingerFigs · 30/03/2022 10:05

Seems very odd to me too. Everyone can have friends of the opposite sex, but helping a colleague clean their mother's holiday home?! That's what's odd. It's not "I'm driving to the beach on a sunny day to collect some ice cream, do you want to come".

If it doesn't sit right with you then it doesn't sit right. Something is making your spidey sense tingle.

Until you are happy, two pieces of advice:
Don't get married.
Don't get pregnant.

Bookworm20 · 30/03/2022 10:06

Theres a few things not sitting right from what I've read. Could all be innocent and they just get on well. But rarely that turns out to be the case when its a lovely young very attractive single work colleague.

you mention on a night out they stayed out, just the 2 of them when everyone else had left. I have male collegues I get on brilliant with, but if I or them had a partner at home, we'd be heading off when everyone else had, not stay out alone together for another couple of hours. And sadly thats exactly how a relationship started between 2 'friends' of ours. They were always the only 2 left at the end of every night out. They just started enjoying each others company a little too much. They are now living together and both were married at the time and their partners had no idea.

The other thing is the fact she is a single parent and arranging childcare to help a colleague go and clean his mothers house. And do the garden. I can't think of any reason I'd do this unless I was a really close friend of the person and they were really desperate for the help (like a deadline moving date or something). It sounds like they have planned a nice day out together.

If your instincts are saying something is a little off here, then it very likely is. Don't dismiss it as you being insecure, jealous or whatever. listen to it.

Bookworm20 · 30/03/2022 10:08

Just curious, you said you are not able to go and help this weekend as you had plans.
Were your plans made before he decided to go and clean the holiday home, knowing you were busy?

And how urgent is it that it gets done this weekend? Can he not go a weekend when you are able to help him?

I'd just be wondering about that.

phizog · 30/03/2022 10:11

@M0rT

I would find it hard to convince my lifelong friends to spend a off day cleaning my mother's holiday home, so I'd be bemused if my DH had managed to convince a colleague to do so!
Haha this! It's not the most fun task is it, and it does push the friendship from colleagues to very very good friends.... A colleague is not the first person I'd think to invite - did he check with other closer mates at all?
thenewduchessoflapland · 30/03/2022 10:13

If he's going to cheat on you with her or break things off with you go pursue her it'll happen if they go to this house for a day alone together or not.

I see it time and time again on here;the OW is nearly always a colleague or someone they've met via work.

Gonnagetgoing · 30/03/2022 10:16

I wouldn't be happy with this but as @thenewduchessoflapland says they'll cheat whether you like it or not wherever/whenever.

A nice pally day together somewhere nice where they can both chat - great if they're both single but not so great when one of them is attached.

SophieSoSo · 30/03/2022 10:18

They’re hiding in plain sight.

I would not be ok with this.

BottleOfSun · 30/03/2022 10:22

I don’t think they will be doing much cleaning.

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 10:26

I'd feel uncomfortable.

5128gap · 30/03/2022 10:38

@Jellybellyfun88

If she’s very attractive, he will def fancy her. In my experience, men don’t bother with close relationships with women unless there is an element of attraction. And he’s bringing her into a family home. A colleague. Well, she’s more than just a colleague - a close friend?

Sorry OP, I don’t want to upset you. I’m validating and acknowledging your feelings.

It doesn’t feel right because it isn’t right.

Nothing may be happening, and it may entirely be innocent on both sides right now. But there’s potential for it to develop.

I don’t have a solution. But how you are feeling is how anyone else would be feeling.

I completely agree with this. If a man likes and gets on with a woman who is also very attractive, the default it he also fancies her. Whether he would act on it, or whether she is willing, no one knows. What I do know though, is that its frighteningly easy for these type of friendships to escalate into something inappropriate. They spend large chunks of the day together, they get on like a house on fire. Before you know it, they're confiding and really 'get each other' and have 'a connection (as you do when you've no skin in the game, and see only the best of them) and 'if things were different we would make a great couple' and bingo. Let the games commence. The only way to avoid this is to recognise the potential and be clear what the boundaries should be. Sadly there is far too much gaslighting of women into thinking if they don't accept any behaviour a man decides upon towards other women, they are jealous and controlling. So they grit their teeth, say nothing and make it very easy for affairs to hide in plain sight.
Fairyarmpits · 30/03/2022 10:40

It depends.

If it was my DH, then yes, I wouldn't have a problem. If it was my XP, then no, I would have a serious problem.

I wouldn't particularly want to go to a colleague's Mother's holiday home to clean and garden on my day off. What's in it for her? You only do stuff like that when there is an obligation (MIL) or you really really like someone.

I would be worried about this personally and would be paying particularly close attention to what he was up to.

Honeyroar · 30/03/2022 10:41

@M0rT

I would find it hard to convince my lifelong friends to spend a off day cleaning my mother's holiday home, so I'd be bemused if my DH had managed to convince a colleague to do so!
Yes that’s what I thought. It’s not as if he’s invited her for a day skiing or something. I can’t understand why she’d want to go with him.
gannett · 30/03/2022 10:44

@jjanice842

Yeah I think she is quite good at house stuff and they both like gardening - I’m hopeless! You’re right - that’s probably all it is
This makes it make more sense. It would seem strange to me to accompany a friend for a day of cleaning up another house but then I hate DIY and gardening. However it's the kind of job that is so much better when there's more than one person and there are people out there who enjoy that sort of thing. DP has a (female) friend who's extraordinarily, scarily efficient and practical and I was very glad that she volunteered to spend a day with him at our new house before we moved in - I hadn't been looking forward to some of the DIY at all.
Fairyarmpits · 30/03/2022 10:45

I'd also be very tempted to say that my plans had changed and I'd come too.

What are the chances that she will pull out?

JangolinaPitt · 30/03/2022 10:50

@Fairyarmpits

I'd also be very tempted to say that my plans had changed and I'd come too.

What are the chances that she will pull out?

Good idea!
5128gap · 30/03/2022 10:54

@skipperjonce

So your fiancé has asked a friend to help him sort his parents holiday home? What’s the big deal? Maybe she has skills in DIY or gardening and would be useful.

This place feels full of insecure little housewives sometimes.

Or women with enough life experience to know that just because a man puts a certain spin on something, it doesn't make it so. And just because a man fancies doing something, you don't have to wave him off with a sweet smile. Some of us have come far enough and are secure and confident enough to know we don't have to let men do exactly as they please if it doesn't make us comfortable. The insecurity accusations are just a way to silence women to facilitate men. Perpetrating them doesn't make you cooler or better than the women you're looking down on, quite the reverse.
5128gap · 30/03/2022 10:55

Perpetuating.

ToiletPoster · 30/03/2022 11:07

In modern times, the politically correct opinion is that completely platonic intergender friendships are common and it would be incenstuous to find a friend sexually attractive.

Personally I feel the subterfuge is pointless. If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat.

Making it clear that you're suspicious is just going to make him hide it better, not stop him.

AllOfUsAreDead · 30/03/2022 11:08

Very weird that his partner, you, isn't going to help, but his colleague is. I wouldn't take a colleague to help me clean my parents house, it's just weird.

bumpermom · 30/03/2022 11:09

affair in plain sight.

Gonnagetgoing · 30/03/2022 11:10

Next thing he'll either be inviting her to the holiday home with or without you and with or without her child because 'my colleague would love to stay there especially as she helped clean the place!'

aalidfeie · 30/03/2022 11:12

@Incompetentatwork

Would not bother me in the slightest. Alot of my friends are male. I socialise with them without Dp. Dp has met most but not all of them. It would not bother me in the slightest if dp wanted to socialise with a female friend at all, she might be as good at diy as any of his male friends 🤷‍♀️
Same for me. The fact he has been open and she has met her a few times, I would be fine with it. I mean you can't control anyone can you and you have to trust that all will be fine. I have been the helper/friend in this situation and have never had any bad intentions towards my married male friends - we just really get on. I am also single, attractive and funny and chatty but wouldn't dream of crossing the line with a married man. Nor would the married men I am friends with even think about crossing the line. Me and one of my married friends go out for dinner and to talks all the time and we originally met as work mates - wouldnt dream of thinking of him as anything other than a mate - and we are really close but that is about it.
Catapultaway · 30/03/2022 11:21

@5128gap I'm curious, do you fancy all your attractive male friends, or do you only have unattractive friends when in a relationship.