SHORT NOVEL INCOMING
Nice day with the girls thanks. Couldn't find the strength to say to mum friends yet. Think they all thought I was sleep deprived as tears were running down my face while singing under the sea earlier. Fuck sake. Kids as always keep it real though. Oldest requested I make my hair 'better' ( she is a really girly girl) and put on makeup before we go to meet her pals after nursery. Maybe she is getting me back out there already. Lol.
So he responded. This came in just as I was sorting baths. His timing is fucking terrible, he knows bath time is a riot and yet seemed to expect an immediate response. Anyone else's baby hate baths and decides it is the perfect time to do a poo every time? Older D has also decided she only does showers now, probably because she has had to deal with leaping out too many times to dodge the poos . Also is adament she can wash her own hair and then screams because it gets in her eyes. So stressful. He has texted me twice since asking me what I think and can we talk. Fucking wait!
H would be mortified that I am sharing this as he is very private which makes me reluctant to ask my friend her thoughts as I think she is likely to discuss with her H. She has been in touch as have some others but they all keep saying sorry and that they thought I knew...one exception is from a friend who is ready to kick his arse and has lost it at her own H because he had heard rumours. Fucking men sticking together and not wantjng to cause a fuss. It is just a shame she lives in the states. There is still i tiny part of me that still . H has clearly spent hours crafting this, a lot of it, is just taking what wrote and saying sorry I love you. He isn't giving me answers it just leaves me feeling not much different. I needed to hear this on Saturday, I think having time to think and maybe imagine things that possibly never happened have done their damage. Does it read like he means it? Thinking of him puts me in a rage at the moment and I don't want to be hasty, reply and say something I will later regret or that I cannot come back from.
Has anyone here actually forgiven and got back together? Playing out all scenarios in my head but I think even with OW out the picture, how do you rebuild that trust?
Love you, have done since you poured a pint over Fergie's head and I pointed out to the team 'that's my girl'. You will always be that girl to me. Thinking of you baby back then and now never fails to makes me smile because you never fail to smile. Stuck in airports, pissing in a bucket, extension left forever, you smiled. Even when [the baby] is a grump and you have had 2 hours the whole night I'm greeted with a smile in the morning. You make the best of everything. When you are hammering my ears about the dog towel, the washing, the dishwaser you always end with a smiling capiche. Knowing I chipped away the confidence of my ballsy girl for years, well there aren't any words it was never my intention. We both say how alike you and [oldest daughter] are -all sass and smile. Don't think you have to behave any way but who youbare to ensure i love you. I love that our girls are turning out to be just like you. [Baby] smile that is your smile baby and I love it, no matter it often comes after she shits all over me and pukes on my shoulder. I love you and no thinking for a moment it has ever been otherwise. You are my wife but also my closest friend. You have given me so much and you did not deserve the hurt I have caused you. I would have killed anyone who hurt and made you cry the way I did and I hate myself for doing that. I should have told you but I was a coward and worried that I would lose you. My pride about not embarrassing my dad and mom and family if you cancelled the wedding was given priority over not being 100% honest with you. I am paying for being a wanker putting my short term desire above being a good man. The man I am and the man you married and have loved all these years. Marrying you, having the girls with you, building a life with you I have never ever regretted not once. I love my life with my three girls and I don't want to lose it but now it relies on your forgiveness. Don't give up on us. You have questions I know just I don't know the answers to all of them myself. I wish i couls answer each one tonreassure baby but I promise you this though nothing has happened between us since we got married I promise that on my grandmother's grave. The feelings for [OW] it isn't about wanting to have sex with her or hide her in plain sight and have an affair, it is just I liked having her in my life as a friend, someone else to talk to and she felt the same. We both know we messed up fooling around and still feel guilt, embarrassment and remorse for it. At the time we should have been adults and realised there was an attraction there but not mistook enjoying each others company years ago as something that also needed to be acted on the way it was. That has gone now, maybe that stupid mistake got.it out the way, I don't know but there is nothing there now. Honestly. I think you also know her well enough, to know that isn't her either. We were stupid and impulsive. It was also inexcusable for me, when given the chance to be friends again, to have lied to her, to both of you, to believe the other knew and to allow you to become friends. I have destroyed the trust and respect of my partner in life and a friend and likely lost your trust if not more in the process. I put myself first and brushed it under the carpet rather than being a man. To answer your next question about why. I do not and I repeat ansolutely do not think she is better than you in any way shape or form. I don't favour her over you or love her like I love you or think of her constantly, weeks go by with no contact between us. She is a friend, she is not there to be an add on to you or give me something you don't, she is a friend who I like having in my life. Our dynamic is unusual I give you that and one I find hard to articulate the easiest way is just to say she is someone I wanted to have in my life. I know now that hurt you. I'm sorry it was not meant to undermine you. It is strange making a close friend as an adult and to have that sort of easy friendship especially one with the other sex is not what i would have expected for myself. I'm a lad as you know well so to have them become a close friend in a short time and the be a girl that don't view romantically is one it has taken my head time to get round. She isn't special or taking me away from you. We chat about things but not anything I would not talk to you about ( with exception of your baby blues which i felt so useless during). In most cases I have already talked to you about it first. Yes there have been times she has provided a female perspective when at times I have been at a loss to help you and when you didn't know yourself what you needed. It was just like I have asked you what to say to her when she has spoken to me about not having kids. Ofcourse I have feelings of love, concern, loyalty towards her the way I do with all my friends. Maybe because she is a woman I act on them differently and help her out more at times but she doesn't rank above you or any such nonsense.
As for the wedding. I do not know why I felt the way I did. She was happy, I was happy to see her happy and as to why I got upset I don't know what caused it but I don't think it is me now being upset she is married or wanting her to not get married and be with me. You know she was upset because her dad was not there to walk her down the aisle and didn't want to replace her dad with Gerry which her mum suggested. Seeing her walk down herself then her mum walking up to join her brought a tear to my eye and be proud of her. The dance was just a dance there was nothing behind it but I understand by that point why you might have been seeing things that weren't there. Its not the same way I behave with other friends and that is unsettling for you. I'm sorry. I'm not purposefully trying to hurt you. I just care about her and want her to be happy and looked after. It doesn't mean I think I should be the person doing that. You are right we should perhaps have kept our seperate ways years ago but we didn't and I wish I could go back and change time but I can't and have to live with the decisions I made. As we have built a friendship and got to know each other on a purely platonic way I have grown to care for her as I do all my friends. I want her like the rest of them in my life but I know why moving forward that may now not happen. My hesitancy to do this and why the thought of it hurts me so much, is something I need to work through. It never ever means though i have an ounce less love for you. There are not enough sorrys in the world baby. This is my doing not OW or the friends and family you think lied to you. Do not judge or feel anger to them or anyone who wants us to work to fix this. This is solely on me. I love you.