Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

So what is actually going to do to try to make it up to you? Nothing

You are supposed to swallow your pride and continue as before?

Fuck That Shit

Ah OP you're story very much struck a nerve for me and honestly I feel your pain in every single post you write.

I don't normally post but reading your latest message from DH I'm struck by how self serving it is from him. He is still trying to convince you of what a wonderful women and friend OW is he's trying to justify having her in his life, not offering to sever all ties.

None of his message reassured me that he feels remorse for anything other than you finding out.

He goes as far as to say he put his short term desires above being a man. I gasped at that line. He put his desires above being a man but failed to mention staying faithful to his soon to be wife? I'm afraid I think he's utterly minimising his involvement with the OW and I don't believe it stopped at or was limited to Oral sex one time.

There's so much more I could say about his message but won't except to say he isn't trying hard to win you back, to fight for your relationship. He wants his cake and to eat it too, he wants a life with both you and OW in it and still really isn't willing to cut the cord on that for the sake of your marriage.

One last thing, the fact that he knew all of your friends new and still said nothing to you is something I don't think I could forgive. He knew it would come out sooner or later as it had gotten around your circle of friends, that's how little respect he had for you, everyone knew except you and he still inserted the OW into your life knowing this, that at anytime someone could spill the beans.

I'm so sorry @Sazdun, you deserve better from him and from your friends also.

I'd ask him if she saw and gave advice on the message. If he's still in contact with her? If he is, then he's clearly not going to actually 'do' anything to save the marriage, just some love sick messages. No real action in anything he says.

He wants to keep her in his life…
He’s certainly not suggesting cutting her out and trying to make things better with you is he??
Even if he agrees to changes jobs and not see her again it would only be temporary. As time passes he will forget all this and gradually start contact again and accuse you of being controlling / paranoid of you object!
Do you really want a life of wondering when she will reappear and if you’re second best????

Goodness his response is far worse than I expected. Especially his excuse for not telling you before the wedding!! He isn’t fighting for your or really providing any platform for you to move forward with answers. I agree with the above quotes and issues but this also really bothers me.

‘ I have destroyed the trust and respect of my partner in life and a friend and likely lost your trust if not more in the process.’

Why is he clustering OW in this (a friend). She shouldn’t be anywhere near this statement. It should be all about you! (I still don’t believe OW really thought you knew as time has gone on).

I don’t think you need to get back to him in detail. I would be tempted to see whether he really is willing to fight by replying saying that you cannot get over this, you cannot accept OW in your or your daughters lives and you want to separate. You have an appointment with a solicitor to see what the next steps are.

Hopefully this will show whether he has any fight.

@Guiltypleasures001 if she is on her honeymoon doing that then that I have no words. If nothing has taken place jn years but she is, it is weird. If she is doing that and they are fucking she is vile. Now while my sexual experience is not vast, sex with him is not that earth shattering to completely lose your mind, all your fucking good sense and morals.

He wants you to call the shots because he wants to be the victim in the outcome of all this. If you decide there’s no going back, in his mind he isn’t going to look like the bad guy to family/friends/OW because it’s you that’s ended the marriage not him. He’s knows what he’s doing. Although I think his motive now is to get back to normal, everything quieten down and he has both of you in his life as before.

@Sazdun

Thank you again for all being there last night and the many bits of good advice. Thank you *@sabretoothtigger* for what to say to MIL I think I might just copy that. His mother is v much we show forgiveness like Jesus and it will be God who will pass final judgement on their souls. Despite have a ton of kids, I doubt she even knows what oral sex is. There is no way I could go into that detail. Anyway a new day. Exhaustion at least meant I got a solid sleep. Even baby decided not to get up with the birds. Feel a bit less manic. Music bugs this morning and then off to a country park for picnic and bug hunt with some of older daughters friends and mums. Wondering whether to say something. At some stage down the line H and I will be co-parenting (just can't imagine us being together right now) and I don't want him to be treated badly/ignored by them at parties drop off etc which my D is sure to pick up on. I was a bit older when my parents split due to my dad cheating but I was told by other kids what their parents said about my family and I don't want that for her. You know how people are described behind closed doors, that is such and such, yeah the one that has the childminder do all the drop offs or the mum that is the dog walker. I don't want D to be described as the one whose dad cheated on the mum and had OW round all the time. The thing is that OW and OW parents have both done emergency pick ups for us in the past so they know these people too. Oh dear another long post. Sorry.

Are they Catholic?

If you are going to respond to him at all, make it about yourself for a change.

Turn the tables - ask him to walk in your shoes for an hour - Moser in a previous post made a very good point!

Ask him - how he would feel, if he suddenly found out after all these years you had had sex with another man just before your wedding and everyone knew about it, but that's all OK now as you had decided it was better to keep yor Husband in the dark, even though everyone else knew about it all along - even your own family.

Add to the fact - as time went by - you decided to introduce your "close friend" - that you were now still working into your family and encourage a close friendship with your husband.

Then when "your close friend" gets married you're there at the wedding -snivelling away and writing volumes of utter shit to your DH about how you just don't know how your feel - but don't worry I never meant to hurt you.

Ask him how would he feel - would he feel humiliated, angry, foolish, whole life was a lie? laughed at by everyone?

One last thing, the fact that he knew all of your friends knew and still said nothing to you is something I don't think I could forgive.

In addition to all of this - your Husband might not have an option as to whether or not he can still be friends with her, or her with him. Remember she has a new husband now. He will not want her anywhere near him.( unless of course he's as fucked up as them too!).

You will be alright OP. but give yourself time!

@HalfGoddessHalfHell Sorry, this woman so reminds me of the arrogant/entitled narcissistic slapper my OH had an affair with, who emailed me to complain she felt I had 'spoiled' their affair by challenging him and discovering it

I worked with a dreadful woman who caused havoc with men at work and also had an affair with a married man who she met when she took her car in to the garage. The man's wife was pregnant, they had another daughter but the child between the older one and the one to be born had died at 18 months.

The wife found out about the affair and drove to the other woman's house in the husband's car. The OW came running down the drive on seeing the car, only to be confronted by a furious wife who gave her what for. The OW was then in tears at work, accusing the wife of ruining her Christmas!

The wife threw him out, and he lived with the OW for a while but soon regretted it. He ended it and met someone else who he is now engaged to. The OW confronted them in a bar, drunk, telling the fiancee that she could have him back anytime because he's never got over her. Absolute fruitcake.

They've more front than Blackpool.

I want to know if OW has been in touch with him. How do I word it?
Maybe i am naive but my gut is telling me he has been faithful physically and convinced himself she is just a friend but he loves her. I think this would have gone on for years but at some stage they would have had sex. She can't be in our lives but in the short term at the very least she will. She lives in our area, we got to the same gym, have mutual friends it seems, they will have to work together for a time. She isn't going to just disappear.
I also am so annoyed at the prospect of losing my house, mybdaughter not going to the great school, leave her friends and leaving my town to ensure OW and H would not come into contact with each other.

OP on the one hand I think you should text him and spell it out for him, although why should you? It should be blatantly obvious what's at stake here.

OW has had input into that message, no doubt about it.

In fact I'd be tempted to text her that as he cannot even now put his family first he is free, she can claim her prize. See how long it takes for that to filter back to him

Please OP, just let it drop for the moment and stop torturing yourself.

Don't try and rationalise other peoples' $h!££y behaviour.

Ignore that rambling msg and stay strong for your children. x

We had a superheroes and princesses party right before Covid struck for my daughter's 3rd birthday and she came as Elsa from Frozen

She's nuts.

I've somewhat missed part of your story (her wedding, his feelings - but I get the just I think, so my comment might be missing the point)...is H really conflicted in his feelings? Or is he that much of a wimp that he can't admit he likes OW and be seen as the one to break your relationship? Where if you end it, he sees himself as guilt free?

@kaleidoscope123

Goodness his response is far worse than I expected. Especially his excuse for not telling you before the wedding!! He isn’t fighting for your or really providing any platform for you to move forward with answers. I agree with the above quotes and issues but this also really bothers me.

‘ I have destroyed the trust and respect of my partner in life and a friend and likely lost your trust if not more in the process.’

Why is he clustering OW in this (a friend). She shouldn’t be anywhere near this statement. It should be all about you! (I still don’t believe OW really thought you knew as time has gone on).

I don’t think you need to get back to him in detail. I would be tempted to see whether he really is willing to fight by replying saying that you cannot get over this, you cannot accept OW in your or your daughters lives and you want to separate. You have an appointment with a solicitor to see what the next steps are.

Hopefully this will show whether he has any fight.

Sorry I’m so angry on your behalf about his response. I just keep thinking it wasn’t good enough! I think you should respond the below:

‘Sorry but this is not good enough. After 2 days this is what you think is an acceptable response. Regardless I cannot get over this, I cannot accept OW in my or my daughters lives and I want to separate. I have an appointment with a solicitor to see what the next steps are and will let you know’

I think he is so used to getting his own way with you that he is continuing to be completely self absorbed! You need to put him in his place and see his reaction. I know it’s hard and that you love him but not pushing him and taking time and showing him more emotion and getting back straight away would eat away at you. Separation doesn’t mean the end, people get back together even after divorcing but I really think you need to set the scene at just how much of an issue this is and can’t be swept under the carpet.

All your friends knew, he knew you would be humiliated at some stage. It could have been a public humiliation or your children could have found out before you when older if he’d been successful in dragging this out any longer. It’s not love, he has been selfish.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron I think MIL has the pope on speed dial. I was christened Catholic and H and I got married in a Chapel in his hometown to ensure I had no priest pestering me as to why any future kids etc were not at Catholic school.H is a somewhat practising Catholic. I turn up at Christmas cause I like the songs.

I think I would reply something very simple such as.

"Why have you not understood you need to choose, like you should have chosen before we married"

If he cuts contact properly and completely you can decide if you want to try and make things work and what else needs to happen to enable that.

@RandomMess

I think I would reply something very simple such as.

"Why have you not understood you need to choose, like you should have chosen before we married"

If he cuts contact properly and completely you can decide if you want to try and make things work and what else needs to happen to enable that.

That cuts to the chase.

hello
I read both of your threads and I am just…horrified. I’m so sorry you have been treated so awfully by so many people. You really seem to be so resilient, clever, insightful and kind. Many people in your do not appear to deserve you at all.

I guess I’m not sure whether it means anything but I wanted to say that your husband sounds emotionally abusive. I don’t mean to make it worse or be insulting or anything; I guess more so wanted to say that all of tbe questions buzzing around in your head are there because he is an abusive person, not because some tryhard bitch wearing an Elsa dress is trying to muscle in on yojr life. She sounds like a loser; he liked having her around because he felt he could dictate her life.

I know it doesn’t mean much. And I have no experience in any of yojr life or even being married, but please don’t go back to him. He won’t ever make you happy because he’s too busy sucking his own dick.

"I want to know if OW has been in touch with him. How do I word it?"

Why are you still worried about her? You need to focus on yourself and your children!

Of course he has been in touch with her - all she is worried about now is how this is all going to make her look! Its a complete shit show and she has to come back to face it all. This is the last thing she thought would be happening after her wedding. Don't tell me both she and her new husband are not absolutely furious at your husband in the timing of all this.

This has completely marred their wedding event. I know that's irrelevant to you, but people are very selfish and their focus will be primarily on themselves. I wouldn't be surprised if when they return will be distancing themselves from your husband.

Stop thinking about her and all the details, your mind is racing. You need to start focusing on looking after your wellbeing. I wouldn't recommend going to divorce lawyers or anything like that at the moment - you still need to process the shock of it all.

He does need to choose.

But if it were me I'm not sure I'd want to have to point out to him that he had to choose...I'd want him to realise from his actions that he'd fucked up.. I would want to be hearing from him that of course there will be no further contact with her of any kind etc etc

I wouldn't want to have to enforce that, I would want it to come from him.

So he cheated before you were married (you've just found out)...was he away with her this weekend? That's clearly not normal!

You probably need to talk to a professional to figure out what you really want - and how to make it happen.

If you want to separate, it doesn't really matter whether he paints himself as the victim. There's no natural justice, and friends and family won't be any use - so it's a matter of fighting for what it is you want. And the same if you want to stay together.

I’ve posted already on this and your other thread but one final piece of advice is please stop trying to understand motivations and what has and hasn’t happened either now, last week or years ago. They are a pair of shits. Please stand up for yourself and be angry - I’m furious for you and clearly many others are too.