Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

God your mum is a cold fish - thats really shit for you 😞

Hope you have a nice day and can take your mind off things for a while

www.chumplady.com/the-basics-of-cheating/

Been Chumped? Here's your starter kit

I'm just wondering what the conversations on honeymoon are like between her and her dh. Her dh accepted her being friends with your husband when he thought everything was in the past, but hows he gonna feel about them being friends now he knows your dh was saying he loves her as recently as at their wedding the other week? He might well be the understanding type and have previously been happy for them to be friends, but surely this changes everything for him too. You might find that when they come back from honeymoon she cuts off all contact with your dh, gets a new job etc. Then your dh will have lost everything.

Slightly off the real topic here but you mentioned that you can't do various things due to this loan.
We have a loan for our extension connected to his work as a bank was a client and they were giving discounted rates to his company. If he leaves we have to pay the loan back within 6 months which we simply cannot do
It sounds like a strange clause if you leave your job?
Have you ever seen the full documentation, or could you ring and ask them for it? ( You might need to have the ts and cs anyway to keep track of finances)
You might have more options for this than you think, depending on the paperwork. Banks don't like to lose customers and may offer you a similar loan to transfer to.

"We have a loan for our extension connected to his work as a bank was a client and they were giving discounted rates to his company. If he leaves we have to pay the loan back within 6 months which we simply cannot do'

I have never heard of this arrangement from a mainstream bank for a discounted loan that also had punitive 'penalty' clauses.
I suspect it's a lie so he can stay in the house/relationship.

Get hold of the paperwork and I would suggest you take advice from another bank as PP says.

I haven't seen the documentation recently to recall the full ins and out.
On the ball with when things need paid, switching to better deals and budgeting etc but in this instance as it was through H's work he mostly dealt with it.
My H is many things but he certainly isn't the type to fabricate or lie about our shared finances so i know the loan is legitimate, we actually switched our joint current account to this bank, so I can keep track of it and so it is paid from joint money. The deal his company got is similar to some.of the sort of deals that banks etc offer their own employees, in his field it is quite common for the companies they take on as clients to extend their perks to the company's employees. H used to qualify due to what he earned when he was FT + bonus, being a homeowner and how long he worked there and what I earned etc.
From my understanding. If he leaves the company, the loan would just be transferred to the bank's nearest similar offer that is available to the general public which has significantly higher repayments due to a shorter repayment time and a higher interest rate for the amount we borrowed. When I looked it up fairly recently the maximum term they offered was 10 years at 8%

Until this option at his work became available we were looking at remortgaging to release money and even then it would have been a push which gives you a sense of how much we have taken out. Now we have managed to get a really good loan deal and remortgaged to get the money to complete it in full rather than gradually. We started all this almost four years ago, not long after I went back from first D thinking we would do all this before having more kids. Obviously covid putting a spanner in the works and delaying everything.
If we went down that route of him leaving the company and us having to pay more we would struggle massively financially. Provided we remained together he would certainly have to go back to FT. At the moment H works PT with a flexi work day and can go FT again when he likes which is a plus for childcare especially now we have two. We don't really want to lose that as what he would make at FT with non flexible hours would more than be eaten up by childcare once I go back from Mat leave. If we choose to not transfer then you have to repay within six months plus fee for early repayment amount which for the length of time we have the loan for would also be quite an amount. The loan money has also been spent in the house, the only way to repay that amount in full and release that sort of money would be to sell the house. We also unexpectedly had to buy a wee strip of land to the side of the house as one neighbour was refusing access for the builders so we had pay to buy it off her which was a bit unexpected. We also have another phase of building works due to start shortly which we have also paid some deposits on, so if we sold (last thing I want to do. Love my house) not likely to see that money again or if we cancelled extension may reduce what we could get for the house as it is a building site on one side waiting for the side extension.

Though you are right in that I need to find out how things do get split financially. I will be earning more when I go back to work so I don't know if that changes things as well.

Never bloody simple is it.

@MRSAHILL

I'm just wondering what the conversations on honeymoon are like between her and her dh. Her dh accepted her being friends with your husband when he thought everything was in the past, but hows he gonna feel about them being friends now he knows your dh was saying he loves her as recently as at their wedding the other week? He might well be the understanding type and have previously been happy for them to be friends, but surely this changes everything for him too. You might find that when they come back from honeymoon she cuts off all contact with your dh, gets a new job etc. Then your dh will have lost everything.

I feel a bit sorry for her husband to be honest, his honeymoon must have been totally railroaded by this - she’s probably on her phone constantly and stressing.

Your husband and yourself seem to look down on him and consider him not good enough for her, when he sounds like quite an understanding and reasonable bloke.

It probably is worth you having a chat with him at some point, sounds like he’s hinted to you in the past and tried to open up a bit of a dialogue about your husband and his partner but it’s not gone anywhere.

@JudyGemstone have not given much thought to her OH aside from telling him and it seems he knew of it already. He is not my concern at the moment.
I always found him stand offish towards me and certainly H, when H had done his fair share of helping OW out when her dad died and he was away on business etc or when she was sick.

However given what he knew it explains why he did not want to be as friendly. They are two different type of men. H is the type to go out and defrost my car in the morning and do half the neighbours too, hers is the type to tell her to put on an extra pair of gloves on and buy a windscreen shield.
Much of my opinion of him is formed on what she has told me but he seems to have known so I don't see his honeymoon being ruined.

OW may well be upset. She cares about what people think of her and often over thought from my experience with her her interactions with people. At times I got annoyed about how she came across almost too perfect, too nice, too willing to go out of her way to help but moaning about someone being too nice is a real bitch move. Everyone is our friend group liked her or seemed too. She will be upset if she has lost all that but not my concern.

I’m pleased you are having a nice day with your daughter and hope you felt comfortable with one of the mums to talk through your current situation? But I can see why you might not want feel like doing this in a wider group situation. Maybe see if one fancies staying back for extra play time and chat through with them on a confidential basis (if they look like you can trust them).

Have you heard anymore from husband or OW?

I take it’s husbands messages aren’t linked to another devise (iPad) or can you check past emails to see if you can find anything out?

Nothing from OW but from what friend yesterday she is keeping distance but feeling terrible.
H messaged me while I was out this afternoon...to tell me D's new wellies are in the boot of the other car. That was it. Sent a bit of a rant back as he never responded to me asking why MIL thinks it is a misunderstanding and why he won't directly answer anything I ask him.

Over the years I have checked his phone/tablet and all the messages have been non suspicious. In fact i once charged an old phone I found to see if there was anything and quick scrolled through a lot of it. It also didn't seem like messages had been deleted frankly boring. The only thing that seemed a bit too familiar was the nicknames they gave each other but even then they were jokey ones and they have called each other by them in front of me as well. No doubt identifying them if they read this but she calls him Blanche because he likes the Golden Girls and once said he fancied her as a kid and apparently because she has leopard print boots he calls her Bet as in Bet Lynch from Corrie. Irked me no end when they referred to each other by them though. Probably should have done it before the wedding when they were sexting it seems.

Ick.. 🤢 Those pet names would make anyone cringe!

Still no straight answers then.. What a cowardly sh*t! Of course your head is doing somersaults trying to make sense of all the nonsense.

That’s terrible of him, doesn’t sound like he is fighting for you at all! He really is a disgrace!

Anymore information from the bf?

It’s a bit odd that it’s all gone quiet, feels a little like a cover up and everyone already knew so aren’t that bothered. Have any of the group you messaged (other than bf) been round to make sure you are ok?

I’m still speechless!

She's feeling terrible ! Really - that's only because she's been found out

Would you say that your Dh needs or seeks validation? I only ask this because you said he would sort everyone's car out and clearly he wants to project the image of being a great Dh/Dad/Friend etc. Although of course he is anything but this.

💐 have read all your posts in both threads and it sounds horrible what's happening to you. I hope you can move on from this whole episode with time and the right people to turn to.

Given that so many of your friendship group and social circle appear to have known or had an inkling of what had gone on, I really strongly recommend that you start to cultivate some new friends completely removed from this terrible toxic mess. You come across as intelligent, strong and lovely and with time I’m sure you’ll build a whole new fulfilling life for yourself .

Pet names for each other is all just so personal and "intimate". No wonder it irked you if they referred to each other as Blanche and Bet. It just adds another layer of intimacy that is not normally present between friends.

People might refer to friends in an abbreviated friendly way ... Gav, Jo Jo, Luce, Marts etc but specific pet names are way different.

I think your post earlier this morning sums it up though. You may have been able to get past what happened, prior to your marriage, between them and their friendship. But the elephant in the room is the fact your husband has admitted he's conflicted, the neon flashing sign of his behaviour at her wedding and how he has spoken about his feelings for her since and admitted to the fact that he does love her in "some way".

If your H wasn't conflicted and trying to sort his head out, it may all be easier to handle. Sometimes we all make mistakes that we regret from the past, but his feelings seem to still be rooted in the present to some degree.

You know what? The worst thing about this OP is that DH could have left all this behind when he married you. He could have cut her out of his life completely.
He's created this mess as a result of a romantic fantasy in both of their heads.

I agree with @GrimDamnFanjo I find the worst part of your situation is that he brought her fully into your lives- even her parents! I could almost forgive a one off night, but 8 years of being around her, doing things for her, drooling over her at her wedding, over familiar nicknames, all the actions of love without actually stating it.

If you ever choose to remain with him I would say absolutely everything of her needs to be removed from your lives as for the loan I would still make him move and re borrow the money elsewhere- your relationship is worth more than the extra interest.

If you decide to leave then the same applies white wash her from your life.

You do not have to make any decisions at the his moment in time, but you should definitely get proper legal advice asap!

You will be better placed to make those decisions when you are fully informed of all the pros / cons and possibilities of your particular situation.

You H has basically been living a polyamorous lifestyle for almost a decade, with at the the emotional closeness and support of two women, although (hopefully…) only the physical closeness of one???

As he sits there ‘sorting his head’, trying to work out how he loves her / you etc, there is unfortunately nothing to say he won’t take the decision out of your hands. He could come back and ask for some sort of separation scenario to sort his head or for more permanent space or some other random ‘reason’ to split.

You (and apparently he) have no idea where he is at wrt the OW. Having had en emotional relationship with her for 8 years he views it as totally normal for you all and will likely not understand why you have a problem with it now.

Basically knowledge is power. Get informed asap. You don’t have to act on the information, but you need to know what it is in order to make the best long term decisions for your future.

Ps don’t get too hung up on the loan issue - don’t let it dictate your future. You need to choose your future and then sort the rest. Yes there will inevitably be some changes- but those will be what you need / choose.

I’ve just had a reread of your original post and there are clearly holes in husband and OWs story. OW quoted:

“It stopped within weeks of it starting. I hold my hands up and say it should never have went that far in the first place and certainly not just before you got married.”

This makes it sound like a full on affair by that stage just before your wedding and doesn't mention the prior kissing. If she has neglected those kissing incidents what others has she neglected to mention post marriage?

I really think you need to ask her what exactly happened between them (as her husband too).

He really has been having his cake and eating it. You at home doing his ironing and adapting to all his ‘quirky’ and less attractive traits. Whilst he enjoys her company and brings her in to play house with the kids.

What an absolute bastard.

Bad enough to cheat, but to then let everyone believe you knew and think you were happy to have a friendship with this woman is absolutely disgraceful.

I'm so disappointed in H not making any effort to win you back.

@Redshoeblueshoe

She's feeling terrible ! Really - that's only because she's been found out

This! OP please kick that self centred woman into touch. How dare she integrate herself into your lovely family and the mind of your DD whilst playing little Miss Innocent. No decent woman would behave like that without a sense of entitlement and feeling of position (put there no doubt by your OH) golly, I'd like to smack her one on your behalf!!

Sorry, this woman so reminds me of the arrogant/entitled narcissistic slapper my OH had an affair with, who emailed me to complain she felt I had 'spoiled' their affair by challenging him and discovering it 😂