Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

This has been so tragic to read as it could like you've been an amazing wife to him.
It's like he's had 2 wives and the fantasy has been enough - knowing he has done something so intimate with her gives him a buzz.

It's like it's been tantalising. I think there has been more dalliances over the years but they both know they don't want to do the whole hog and be with each other so they have this slightly odd "mock" relationship.

I'd read Rosie Greens book on heartbreak when you are ready (see her website for her story) and then looking into staying at heartbreak hotel which is actually a real hotel which has amazing reviews.

Equally maybe you can move on from it if he cuts all Contact with her permanently and again that should be your choice and not judged on. He's a weak man. You are a strong woman. You have your children and they are healthy and you will survive this.
You will see how he has been crushing your self esteem
For years. You will come out like a phoenix rising from the ashes when the penny drops. Good luck, you can do this for your girls
Xx

Grr seem to @ those asking questions.
The understanding person in all this had ironically been OW mum. Honestly fuck my life. MIL has termed this a misunderstanding and it seems I have ruined my mums sleep with the news. Going to my mum's is an idea and free. I need a day or two, I just know if he comes back to the house we then cannot pretend he is on a trip to D. Haven't left other D overnight yet so the thought is making me feel a bit anxious. Ridiculous because H is all his other stuff aside a very good and reliable dad.

Followed Rosie Green and funnily I always though Alpha Male could have been H from how she described him.in her Red columns years ago. Horrible coincidence. Did her H cheat on her too?

I've read all your post and this is one of the most horrible cases I've come across. Fair play to you for holding it together so well.

With regard to your best friend, I can see why she thought the argument beforehand meant to knew. I guess she didn't want to embarrass you by mentioning it when she thought you had all the information and had made your decision.

Would it help to have your own counselling before any joint counselling? Get what you want to discuss clear in your head etc.

I don't think that I,in your position, could contemplate anything other than a complete separation from the other woman. See what he says to that, what solutions can he have in terms of job,loan refinance elsewhere etc.

I'm not going to tell you to leave him as only can you make that choice. I would but I'm not living your life and don't know your situation etc.

However, if you do, remember you are only 38. You could meet someone else in term who would treat you better etc. I know it's too early to really consider that, but I suppose my point is you don't have to stay,things can change in time etc.

I just wish I knew what the hold was and why he is willing to lose everything for someone he doesn't even apparently want to be with romantically. She is pretty but not knock out. I know H and I don't talk about things the same way we used to but who does after this amount of time and kids? Having overheard conversations and even from him telling me what they have been chatting about it seems they share mutual interests in books, history, music but so did we. Personality wise and humour wise, her and I are similar so I just do not get it, what she gives him that I do not. Gah! Head is just going round in circles.

@Sazdun

Yes I think counselling will have to happen. Just on budget brain where we have been watching every penny the past few years for extension and then mat leave. Has anyone had any? What sort of prices should I expect? Not sure if I am brave or the waves of rage take over but it is out there now. I would love to actually tell MIL what happened but I think it would lead to a heart attack. I also am quite cautious of how I deal with his family. I think they are the one group of people who will be loyal to him, but would also tell him to get his shit together. Heard nothing from my sister. She actually had an affair herself with her boss which ended her engagement when she was in her 20s so ... Another day done eh...cannot believe it has been less than 3 days. House is a tip. Ran out of milk so daughter is on cloud nine as bedtime milk is chocolate milk ( which she normally only gets as a brunch treat on Saturdays and she is allowed to stay up late to finish watching encanto for the 20th time. Chocolate milk encanto...auntie x who?

I think if you don’t tell MIL the truth she’s not going to be on your side, she is clearly on the side of her son and more distressingly the OW’s!

@Sazdun

I just wish I knew what the hold was and why he is willing to lose everything for someone he doesn't even apparently want to be with romantically. She is pretty but not knock out. I know H and I don't talk about things the same way we used to but who does after this amount of time and kids? Having overheard conversations and even from him telling me what they have been chatting about it seems they share mutual interests in books, history, music but so did we. Personality wise and humour wise, her and I are similar so I just do not get it, what she gives him that I do not. Gah! Head is just going round in circles.

It sounds like the hold is chemistry. It's indefinable...Not saying you don't have it with your him of course.

At some point you're going to have realise that you're driving yourself insane trying to work it out. If you're lucky, he'll tell you but I'm not convinced he will.

And I wouldn't count on your MIL being on your side even if she knows the full story, so be prepared.

Oh gosh. I'm so sorry your mum isn't capable of being there for you. It's horrible, especially at a time like this. She's self absorbed, and oblivious to what you're going through. Some people are limited like this. It's just really hard when it's our own mum, and we need them! You sound the polar opposite though thankfully, and you can do this!

OW's mum does sound very understanding and normal. What a shame the OW isn't more like her mum!

And I really don't understand why your MIL is referring to your H and the OW as a 'them'. Why on earth does your MIL care whether you forgive the OW or not???

"Sadly, there's no misunderstanding. He's finally confessed his infidelity with her, just 3 weeks before our wedding, that he chose not to tell me about until now. He's lied to me for 8 years, lied to everyone else saying that he'd confessed before our wedding, and I'd forgiven him, and encouraged me into a friendship with the woman he cheated with. And he still has strong feelings for her, which he's now confused about after watching her get married. I'm not sure what I could possibly have misunderstood."

Can H come back from his 'trip' for a couple of days so you can go away on that urgent thing you have to go on, and then be going on another 'trip'?

And of course your head is going round and round. Your life has just been turned upside down, and nothing is what you thought it was.. You're grieving the life you thought you had, and you've done absolutely nothing to deserve it! Be gentle on yourself. This is a lot!! Distraction is your best friend until the dust starts settling. Get away, and spoil your self for a couple of days. It's time for some self care, and selfishness, for the sake of your sanity.

You can't make sense of things that have nothing to do with logic - and you'll drive yourself crazy trying. You may well never get answers.

That won't stop your head searching for them at the moment though.

Sending heartfelt virtual hugs!

Respect OP You may not feel you are juggling kids/home/dealing with the situation well in the circumstances, but many of us who have been in similar shoes previously are not only really routing for you but in awe of your strength of mind and ability to voice your vulnerability with such honesty.

I have a few observations however:
Upon discovery of infidelity, when the whole picture isn't known, our mind fills in the blanks coming up with the worst case scenario and more. You really need to get OH and OW to tell all asap (without jointly agreeing a sanitised version with each other beforehand) instead of playing trickle truth with you.

For most spouses, it is the lack of the complete picture regarding the infidelity which determines whether they end the marriage or not rather than the infidelity.

Reading your posts you seem to be elevating OH's feelings for OW well above what they may actually be. Perhaps his sexual relationship with her prior to your marriage was merely as described and it could be purely out of fear of losing you, OH has never told you. Whilst a totally shitty thing for OH to do, sometimes otherwise good men make very poor choices. Whilst many on here advocate LTB ask questions later, only you know your OH and nobody in the midst of discovery and such trauma should make snap decisions. Nobody on here should be fuelling your fears either as they too are not in possession of all the facts.

As for OW - take her off that pedestal! She is just a low life wannabe of you. Not a decent, honest woman with morals. He met her and despite her spreading her legs for him.... he chose you ABOVE her, to marry and spend his life with. Whilst he appears to have wanted to cake eat, this could be due to weakness of character rather than selfish entitlement and no, I'm not excusing or minimising his appalling conduct merely trying to put a different perspective out there. Just kick that bitch OW into touch and out of your life. She has no right to be anywhere around your OH or children for that matter. You hold all the cards (as the mother of his children) and should use them (cards not children lol) to re-assert your position what ever you decision you come to. You stand and strut that moral highground girl with your head held high. There is nothing wrong with your compass or principals.

Let him stew and suffer for the moment whilst you try to get a clearer head. It will get easier. Be kinder to yourself. Thinking of you.

Just read both your threads OP and wanted to send my love. Stay strong and take it one day at a time.

Oh, Sazdun, you must feel like your world is spinning off its axis. Your H physically cheated, married you dishonestly, stole your consent, and set up a platform with OW to develop their emotional intimacy. Now you’ve learned that your trusted friends knew all about H’s initial infidelity, and they rationalized never coming forward to protect you.

It’s mind-boggling that these people witnessed OW’s total immersion into your family and social life, yet they didn’t verify your knowledge of the truth. Surely it was obvious to them that if H felt entitled to cheat, he would also feel entitled to lie. And I have no doubt that when benefiting from your overt graciousness, OW soon guessed that you were actually in the dark, but that scenario suited her and H’s illicit dance. Your friend is wrong if she doesn’t consider OW to be culpable.

Sazdun, you ask why he brought OW back and why you weren’t enough. It is your massively selfish and manipulative H who wasn’t, and isn’t, enough. His character flaws enabled him to orchestrate a life with both a wife and an emotional mistress. OW was ensconced as close friend/Auntie, and although you eventually felt unsettled at their closeness, you didn’t yet have all the puzzle pieces.

It’s so difficult to learn the terrible truths, but doing so is essential for regaining your full agency. Your friend owes you complete loyalty and honesty. In your shoes, I would press her on what H meant when asking her H what to do 8 years ago. When you asked her if H meant confessing to you or calling off the wedding, she didn’t say she wasn’t sure. She just looked at you. I would need to know. I’m also not convinced that there hasn’t been any hand holding/kissing/sexual contact during these 8 years in addition to their emotional affair.

H absolutely feels romantic love for OW. “Platonic passion” is another shit sandwich he has invented to control you and keep OW while propping up his self-image and reputation as a good man. After his blatant display of heartbreak at her wedding, he admitted loving her, and he did not mean platonically. If platonic, he would not have then uttered, “But I’ll never do anything to hurt you and the girls.”

I would say that individual counseling for you is a must. H’s treachery goes deep and wide, and you will need professional support to help you process your extreme trauma and emotional upheaval. You are smart and full of gumption, though, and you & your girls will go from strength to strength. 🦋

This is so sad. I thought the last thread wasn't real - I'm sorry!

There's no rush - work out what you want to do. If it helps - you are still young!

You're asking why, why, why. It might just be that your husband is incapable of having a full, honest relationship. So it's nothing you did.

It sounds as if he sees you as strong and fulfilled, which he mostly wants, but he also wants to help save someone he sees as in need. That he has categorised you and the other woman in this way is very wrong in itself - and helps him justify his terrible behaviour to himself.

It's all rubbish of course, but the funny thing about unfaithful people is that they often think they are extremely moral, it's just that it's somehow a special and complicated situation in their case, so that they are off the hook. And it's the apparently nicer, kinder people who largely get away with it - others feel sorry for them.

Yes, his family and friends would/will back him. It's so sad, and unfair. But you don't need them.

You mentioned that he is 'religious'. It sounds as if there are many reasons for the religious marriage to be annulled, assuming it was a church or religious wedding.

If I were a parent of your daughter's friends, I would want to listen and help. You really do need the support of people outside of this situation. And you will build a wonderful life - with amazing new people who value you for who you are. There will be dozens of people you have met outside this group who already like and admire you, and would love to know you better.

You might find that once he gets a sense the marriage is over - and irreversibly - he will turn on a sixpence and he'll become your adversary. So be careful and make sure you can't be deemed to have left. He needs to be the one who leaves.

And - I'm so sorry that your mother has been useless. If I were your mother, I would say you should do the right thing for you - you need and deserve to be happy, and your children's happiness depends on you being happy. Don't think that you can accept a compromised life in the interests of protecting 'the family' or because you see other people as more deserving than you. Who would do the same for you? You need to fight for yourself and your own happiness. And you have the right to be happy.

Sorry - I didn't mean to be directive. If you thought you wanted to make the marriage work - because it is what you want - I'm sure you could. Many have been through worse and still manage to find great happiness. It depends on what is right for you.

They are still a them in MIL's eyes, so she must have known, too. He went through with the marriage despite his feelings for her. Oral sex isn't a single act: there is a build up, passion, lust. They were somewhere they could be intimate, it didn'thappen out of the blue. So what was he feeling on his wedding day just three weeks later?

He asked you to keep her out of it. You know, don't ruin her honeymoon even though the pair of them ruined your wedding. You will never feel the same way about your wedding day or your marriage because of them. They are both treacherous. The Frozen outfit was for your husband, make no mistake. So now he is free, will the Princess leave her marriage for him or will he realise he has been played?

Will OW be happy if they do get together as she will always be second choice. He chose you OP to marry and have kids with. You don’t want him now so will she be happy knowing if he had a choice he would be with you?

Thank you again for all being there last night and the many bits of good advice. Thank you @sabretoothtigger for what to say to MIL I think I might just copy that. His mother is v much we show forgiveness like Jesus and it will be God who will pass final judgement on their souls. Despite have a ton of kids, I doubt she even knows what oral sex is. There is no way I could go into that detail. Anyway a new day. Exhaustion at least meant I got a solid sleep. Even baby decided not to get up with the birds. Feel a bit less manic. Music bugs this morning and then off to a country park for picnic and bug hunt with some of older daughters friends and mums. Wondering whether to say something. At some stage down the line H and I will be co-parenting (just can't imagine us being together right now) and I don't want him to be treated badly/ignored by them at parties drop off etc which my D is sure to pick up on. I was a bit older when my parents split due to my dad cheating but I was told by other kids what their parents said about my family and I don't want that for her. You know how people are described behind closed doors, that is such and such, yeah the one that has the childminder do all the drop offs or the mum that is the dog walker. I don't want D to be described as the one whose dad cheated on the mum and had OW round all the time. The thing is that OW and OW parents have both done emergency pick ups for us in the past so they know these people too.
Oh dear another long post. Sorry.

@Sazdun I've been following your thread and I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

Talk to the other mums this morning, confide in them and tell them you are having a tough time. You don't have to go into details but you may well be surprised and find some real support from them.

KOKO!
You are doing so well, I wouldn't worry about what anyone says about your family as it's mainly out of your control but yes hopefully positive co parenting is the way forward for all concerned.

Agree, talk to the other mums, or at least one or two that you feel are kind and easy to talk to. You need support.

And yes, send that text to your MIL. You shouldn't have to keep his secrets or defend him. Let him face some consequences for what he's done.

You are really doing so well

I have no idea what OW will do. H doesn't seem to know what he wants to do. He lied to me for 8 years, he even lied at first when I confronted him. He could have kept lying and probably it would have returned to the way it was with my little doubts. While I am glad (glad not quite the right word) to know the truth I don't know what is going through either of their heads.
He liked her clearly and was attracted to her. He messed around with her. As some said the intimacy of what he did with her, makes me feel there was something deeper there but I am not a man and maybe he just thought it didn't count. Whether H or OW as she claims broke it off. They could have stopped then but they chose to build back up a friendship. H had it all but he chose to go and bring her into our lives knowing what he had done. While she is not in any way blameless. H had me at that point. If I was what he wanted, why did he bring her back in then? I just find it hard to understand at that point in our lives because at that stage pre kids, we had fun, travelled, went out, had a good sex life. He goes on about friendship and just wanting her in his life and loving her as a friend but it just doesn't sit with me. She has also been with her OH through all this time and while they have had ups and downs, surely if she is in love with him she wouldn't want to watch him have a family etc. It makes no sense to me. It is then at this stage where I start the think, okay maybe they have both moved on and are just friends albeit our of a situation that will always be unforgivable but how he behaved at her wedding that is the big neon sign and how he has talked about her since.
Gah. I don't know. Need to get out the car now, bubs is stirring and an under the sea adventure apparently awaits.

It doesn't really matter what they feel about each other, though. What matters is their actions. How they have lied and cheated for years and years.

I understand that you want to know the truth about their feelings. But you already know the truth about their actions. It seems to me that whether they love each other or not makes it no better or worse. If they don't love each other, why risk damaging your marriage and family by keeping in touch? If they do love each other, why string other people along and create so much hurt and destruction when they could have been honest years ago?

See what I mean? The feelings they have are just irrelevant. It's what they chose to do, how they chose to treat you, the ongoing choice to disrespect and lie to you, the ongoing choice to treat you like you don't matter at all. The choice to involve your children in their mess.

Sorry, OP. I am so angry at how they've treated you!

I'll be honest . I've had a flutter of interest towards a work colleague ( or two ) during my married life . But and a big but , you ignore it , and you get a grip on yourself and move on . What they did and I believe even a kiss , is a terrible betrayal of a spouse.

Ah, I wondered if it was a religious thing. Well forgiveness, yes, eventually... But for your sake. So that the pain, bitterness and anger aren't destroying you and your life in the long term. So you can co-parent your children. So that your children can have the best relationship they can have with their dad. So you can fully move on from this, with as little impact as possible on yours and your children's long term emotional and mental wellbeing (and how they approach relationships in their futures). Sounds like that'll come naturally to you eventually, out of love for your children. Right now though, you have every right to be fuming!!!

Forgiveness doesn't mean staying though. They're two totally separate things.

Really glad you got some sleep. You are extraordinarily level headed, and compassionate, to be thinking already about the long term impact on your children, the co-parenting, etc, - they're very, very lucky to have you as their mum. As @HalfGoddessHalfHell said, strut that moral high ground!

It’s almost certainly nothing you have done/haven’t done OP— it’s nothing to do with shared taste etc— sounds like you click well on that front— I think he simply likes the ego buzz of an extra person in his life with whom there is a romantic frisson that you didn’t know the history of . My mum was the same, for many years she always liked some kind of emotional dalliance going on alongside her marriage- if you asked her to explain she couldn’t- just said it gave her a secret buzz! I think some people just have it in their personality and it’s not always the most obvious types either. It’s more than likely This woman has nothing you don’t , she just isn’t you. I think now you know and she’s married too, he will realise what a twat he’s been— problem is you will too and if you have sense will move on.