Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

What happened when husband stayed at your house Sazdun? Did he stay in your bedroom? Did you talk to him about what had happened?

I’m still minded that hubby needs to set out the solution as NC with OW going forward even if that means changing jobs. That said he seems to have moved backwards from thinking he may need to to you having to accommodate, did you indicate to BF on your weekend away that you were likely to forgive him as I feel like he has some indication this is the case somehow.

that said, I think I’d message hubby to say that you feel he obviously loves OW more than he has ever loved you as he is showing absolutely to solution to you both moving forward. You need to put the cat amounts the pigeons as everyone seems to have just moved to you clearly not having kicked off and letting him back in your home when he needed you during Covid as you forgiving him. Unfortunately, even though you were just seeking to be nice you have been sending the wrong message to everyone.

Send the text to OW and to hubby.

At the end of the day if he has been in love with OW and at the moment looks like he loves her more than you but is staying with you for the kids then that’s not a situation you should stay in. Great for everyone else, you washing and ironing his clothes and providing him with gods him playing emotional house with OW (all the fun and non-stressful things).

Just to follow up, I think you can take all the time you need to decide but really I’m not sure your in a position to decide as you don’t really know if you have a hubby that just wants you and yours family and that’s enough for him.

The current situation and to let everything blow over shouldn’t be enough for you and I’m not sure how you (or anyone) could carry on playing happy families like that. You’d need to be a really good actress to be in those social situations again, watch your kids fuss and be fussed by her and your hubby and then could you be intimate with him knowing he actually loves OW?! I’d not be able to have him until he same room as me so it’s likely you’d have separate rooms and you would be incredibly lonely and depressed.

Every time I read an update I just get this overwhelming feeling that your H is being passive. Doing nothing pro active to save his marriage to you. The only thing he has done is move out. That's it. And I bet he didn't even suggest it himself. Oh sorry he sent you a few texts, which showed that he is still in contact with OW and it isn't her fault it's all his (because as we all know she is the angel in all of this)

Nothing is impossible, his job, the OW in his life, finances can all be solved. Is he actually doing anything to be pro active and solve these issues? Does he even recognise them as issues?

I would take advantage of the numb stage ( when you feel absolutely nothing because it hurts too much too) and ask him as if you were both in a board meeting- so what do you perceive our issues to be and how are you going to solve them? What have you done post apocalypse to get your wife back?

Inaction is as bad as the crime itself.

OP maybe tell your BF that you are waiting for H to say he will go NC with OW i.e. block and delete her number and never speak to her again. And until he offers this there’s nothing you can do as it’s all on him.

@MsDogLady
I don't think the BF was necessarily urging her to hurry up with forgiveness or moving on.

Op said

BF said I now need to start deciding if I can forgive H or start looking at an exit plan as I cannot limbo forever. Feel that is a bit unfair given the last couple of weeks and everyone being ill.

The OP is in limbo. She hasn't laid down any ultimatum and her husband hasn't said the one thing that he should have said by now.

The way it sounds to me was like her BF was saying figure out what you want so you can decide from there, if for example she said I want to forgive him I don't think the BF was saying you have to forgive him quickly, but that if you decide you want to forgive him then you can work out what you will need to happen for you to even have a chance at forgiving him. What do you need from him? What are the ground rules? Is he willing to abide by them? because if not then the plan for forgiveness goes out the window...but if she did decide she wanted to forgive then the path to get there could be a very long one and I'm sure the BF knows that.

I'd be very worried if the OP was my best friend and she was considering forgiving him but her partner wasn't willing to give up the OW. I would be so worried that she would get to a point where she said OK I want to forgive him and try to move forward with him...and then he still told her well I'm keeping the OW as a friend, because then she gets hurt again! and hurt even more than she has been!

So in this instance I would be trying to open her eyes, because the ball isn't all in the OPs court unfortunately. I would feel like more of a let down if I let my friend stay in limbo!

OP's husband hasn't really done anything to fight for his family, he shot her an 'over it' look when she mentioned to him about the text she sent to OW. The longer that this goes in limbo the more 'over it' he'll get. The more dismissive he will be about everything and the more unlikely he will be to accept that there needs to be consequences for his behaviour.

Just to give you another perspective about friendship groups.

Your friendship group sounds like a young people's friendship group, like Uni friends' group, where children were tagged along in the grown-ups friendship group. Your social life will change once your DDs start school. Your DDs will make their own friends, and they are not necessarily children of your friends. You will have to manage your DDs social lives on top of yours. They will start after-school activities. You will most likely end up spending lots of your time taking children to play dates, activities, numerous birthday parties, and having your DDs' friends over for play dates. You simply wouldn't have time to socialise with the current friendship group in the same manner, even in the absence of this current issue. In the process, some friendship will fizzle out, but some will stay friends. True friends make efforts. You also meet new people through DDs friends or activities, and some will become your friends. So please don't worry too much over the current friendship group, as it was/is bound to change some way or the other anyway.

Absolutely @MsDogLady

The fury you felt at seeing OW in a neutral place will be tenfold if you have to see her with your friends and your hubby, essentially in your social space where she will be doing her innocent and lovely person act whilst manipulating your marriage and children.

I hope you are OK @Sazdun - you are maybe finding your anger now. I hope you can find some peace 💐

For the very last part of this message what do you propose she doe then? Because I agree with all that you said actually but a lot of people have also said OP shouldn't make an ultimatum H has to decide himself. But H doesn't give a fuck clearly and is a fucking moron. So if OP doesn't do something nothing happens because he waiting her out and waiting for her to cave, for enough time to go past so he can most likely gaslight her into thinking "urgh your still going on that was months ago, I thought we moved past this. Everyone has moved past this!". So all I can see is that unless Op says I need x,y and z she's giving all the power to this poor excuse of a man!

Or am I missing something? What's the alternative?

I'm getting the feeling OP wants husband and life as it was. And is waiting for H to act accordingly. She doesn't want to pull the plug she wants that decision to be on him if he makes it. So she's waiting him out. Maybe that is the strategy?

I guess my only concern with that is because of friend involvement, if this drags on for months and everyone carries on as normal including OW in things. If months and months down the line OP is like I don't want to be around her. I strongly suspect ppl will be like WTF, Are we not past this!

@Cinnabun18

I agree with those people and have also said myself that he needed to make the decision himself.....but he hasn't though and at this point I don't believe he is going to so that really should be telling the OP all she needs to know.

How long is she planning on waiting for him to give her up? Normally that's the first thing out of a cheating partners mouth whether they intend to stick to it or not, but in this case he still hasn't said it, what are the chances of him saying it in another week? or another month? 2 months?

So at this point I do think she does need to lay down an ultimatum so that she actually sees where she stands, which unfortunately looks like it's going to be "I am not giving her up". At least then she will know for sure and cannot be in denial about it.

Sazdun, for years you felt threatened by H’s obsession with OW (with good reason), and even after discovery, nothing has changed.

In his letter, H said, “There are not enough sorrys in the world.” Ideally, then, he would have taken action to give up OW, but it’s 3 weeks later and he still hasn’t.

He appears to be biding his time and counting on your eventual backing down and your usual “making the best of everything” (per his letter).

You’re now feeling a shift. He hasn’t cut off OW, and he is giving you ‘over it’ looks and shrugs. He may be emotionally distancing from you, and I do wonder how much communication he and OW have had recently.

In infidelity recovery, it is standard for betrayed partners to declare their boundaries and what they need from the betrayer as they make decisions. NC is mandatory. Sazdun, how long will you wait before you have that conversation?

I agree that maybe you need to state your boundaries to H. Let him know that the only possible chance for your marriage is if he cuts contact with OW. I mean, assuming that is a chance for you? Yes, he should come up with this himself, but he obviously isn't going to. He's going to keep gaslighting you and waiting for this to all blow over so they can carry on exactly as before. So yes, maybe you need to clearly state your boundaries and expectations.

As for your friend group, yes I would think OW's H is on your side in this. I can't imagine he is happy with OW right now, either. There is a huge crack in their relationship which will be hard to patch up. People like OW are always going to have bad and broken relationships because they're not honest.

As for your friends. You can see it as them having had 8 years to get used to things. Or you can see it as they've had 8 years of being lied to and manipulated by H and OW. If they would rather have lies and dishonesty in their life, then okay. You can look for more honesty and loyalty in new friends, who will for sure come along.

The stuff you've said about conversations with OW where she's changed the subject or said it would be weird to talk about with you... Honestly, she sounds unbelievably manipulative. She entertained herself by skirting close to the edge of telling you the truth and then pulled back, enjoying her power over you. She thought you knew, really? Nah. If she thought you knew, there would have been apologies, there would have been big discussions about it. She obviously has discussed it many times with H. She's just been playing everyone for a long time. She's very manipulative. Whether that's because she's desperately sad or just horribly selfish, or a combination of both, it doesn't really matter.

Sazdun - Did you talk to your husband at all when he stayed in the house recovering from Covid? Did he try to apologise for what had happened?
How did he think things would now be moving forward?

He appears to be biding his time and counting on your eventual backing down and your usual “making the best of everything” (per his letter).

I think this is exactly what’s happening. In about a week he’ll want to come home as you should be ‘over it’ and everything can just carry on.

I feel sick at the thought of her rushing up to the Op's daughter in the supermarket, I am so angry. She really loves to present this image that she is somehow a victim in all of this too. Im sure she was hoping the daughter would be equally as excited to see her which also validates her opinion of herself that she is so loved, so popular. I would have lent in and quietly snarled 'get the f@ck away from my daughter, she is nothing to you'.

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she has a little fantasy of her own, that H is her H and the children are hers with her being their mum. It's why she showed up in the Elsa costume, why her parents babysit. It's all part of her illusion. Freak.

I honestly don't care how long the friendship group has known each other or that his cousin is part of it, your H should be saying he won't have contact with any of the Friends if need be and will be looking for a new job, with no contact with her (as far as possible) until then.

But that's too hard for him so they are both clearly just waiting for you to 'get over it' so things can go back to how they were and no one is inconvenienced. They are both so entitled.

@Moser85 ahh ok I'm with you. We are basically on the exact same page. I think the advice of waiting for him is past due now. And at this point OP needs to set sound ground rules and push him to say what we all are fairly certain he will say. That he can't let OW go. He wants his cake and to eat it and is waiting to see if OP will come round.

This might sound harsh but to me it seems like OP is get right and comfortable in the victim role (and of course she is the victim of their behaviour) however, she doesn't need to remain as such. Like someone else said OP you have autonomy and power over your own life.

I don't see the benefit of waiting for him to say I'm off, and letting that be his call. Also he isn't going to do that because it isn't like he can run off into the sunset with ow she's married now and seems to want nothing to do with him. Probably even less so now if we believe she actually thought OP knew all along.

No one would blame you OP for leaving in this situation or kicking him out and calling it a day. Staying in your home and area as you should and not standing for their shit.

But if OP wants him back (which I'm highly suspecting) then the eternal wait for him to realise the error of his ways make a little more sense. The question then is can she live with 3 people in the relationship and not respecting her needs and worth enough to lay down some extremely reasonable Boundaries such as tell H to tell OW to get lost and avoiding her at al costs and asking friends to not have you both at the same place and making it clear the kids are to have no relationship with OW.

I mean if you are ok with her always being around after this, that's your call to make OP. Just know it doesn't need to be like this. He has broken your trust, made you question your self esteem your worth. Everything even down to how you see and look at your friends. If your looking at your life thinking without him and then what life do you have. I totally get that. It must be terrifying but know that you can and should have a different life to this. With or without him. You can start to right the play book and they either get the fuck on board or you deny them access to the wonderful human you are.

Edit in the message about the supermarket it was my DD1 who rushed up to OW. Agreed would have been very weird if OW had done that.
Somewhat came to a top this morning. H was supposed to be taking DD1 to her sat morning class but never turned up, when I phoned he assumed when I 'sent him back' to my mum's he wasn't required as why would he drive 1.5 hours for a drop off when the class is a 15 min drive away from our house. Irked me and got me wondering if he would be a shit part time dad and if anyone found their partner changed once out the house. H is very good with the girls and gives lots of attention etc but I don't know if that is as much due to him being in proximity. Kids get taken to park because dog needs walk etc. I do not want to be a single mum. That is absolutely no judgement on all you amazing ladies that do it or have chosen to. I am seriously in awe of how you do it. I just caught myself today get very angry with H about not turning up and could see my mother and how the bitterness and anger built with every reminder phonecall, forgotten bag etc. I can see how it so quickly happened and can almost feel the seeds of that in ne if I am not mindful.
I barely spoke to him when he was in the house. He was peak man flu with covid and from the sound of the snoring slept a lot of the time. OW seemed surprised when DD1 said they had all been poorly so not sure if he has had much if any communication with her. In the odd snippets of chat we have had, he says he doesn't talk or message her on the scale I seem to think but knows why I wouldn't believe that presently. We do need to have a proper chat with a mediator soon. I feel he thinks I am angry about the cheating from 8 years ago and that he is friends with OW versus the 8 years of lying because in his head he has explained it off as 'protecting'.Anyway, we had a bit of a row on the phone and he said I needed to decide what I wanted ( with regards to the girls) but he wasn't a mind reader and with this 1.5 he distance he needed me to tell him what I needed from him as he isn't able to be there at the drop of a hat.There was a bit of back and forth. In the end I said I did not want her in our lives anymore. He said 'fine'. That was it no explanations why he needed her blah blah. Does that mean fine he won't see her? He was very abrupt, like when we normally have an argument. Given how much she means to him, is that it? Fine he is done? Interesting how in a snap second it can be quite clear. I could work on forgiving him. When it comes down to it, I am still feeling hurt angry and betrayed but I love and care for him. When posters were speaking badly of him ( which they were justified in doing) I still felt the urge to defend him. However seeing her earlier in the week filled me with so much rage. I realise more of my anger is towards her than him. She annoys me to my very core and could not deal with her in my or the girls lives which would most likely happen if we split.
Tbh got to point she can have friendship group etc. as some have said DD1 starts school so a chance to make new friends etc. Plus I imagine with H not there OW probably isn't going to want to socialise with them as much. Just a hunch. There is only 2-3 days H might see OW at work and they only actually spend time if cross working on a project. Yes they may speak at work but I will be very strict that he cannot socilaise with her or go on work trips with her. We will most likely bump into her but I can cope with that if that is the extent of it.
Sounds very churlish but I would almost like her to see we have managed to work it out and stay together despite her. Emphasise that she was nothing in the long term. Sounds like I want to win I know and in reality I have won a bit of a shit prize but us working on this just seems to sit or feel more right than I have felt in weeks.

That was my misunderstanding about the supermarket, sorry about that!

See it annoys me that when you said she wasn't to be part of your lives anymore (a reasonable request that anyone would make) his only response was 'fine' like a spoiled child whose fun has been ruined. Plus I don't know if he understands that that means his life too, not just yours and the kids.

I’m so sorry but your descriptions of his recent interactions with you really don’t sound like those of a man who is sorry for what he’s done and who wants to make things right by you.

Agreed , it sounds like a churlish, immature capitulation.
He really isnt trying that hard is he?
If he doesn't want to live 1,5 hrs away, he can, after all, be a grown up & find another solution.
He could have proposed a proper discussion before leaving
He could have asked what was the plan re Dd this am.
He could try & say the right things re OW
He sounds like you are the driving force in your relationship

Agreed. I think you have it right there OP when you say you've won a shit prize. You deserve so much better than "fine" and don't forget that this "fine" had to be prompted by you. 8 years of lies and deceit should require 100% contrition and the perpetrator moving heaven and earth to make it up to the wronged party and he's barely lifted a finger off his own back. Everyone who has said that he wants to sweep it under the carpet is absolutely bang on.

The cheek of her. I was actually glad to see that you msged her as I was worried things might of gone back to 'normal'.

Agree with other posters that him saying fine is like when a child has to stop doing something they want to do.
He still doesn't sound sorry and I still feel he has given you a crumb with the oral before you were married and that it's the tip of the iceberg. More might come out down the line..

You don't cry at someone's wedding being into them, admitting feels if nothing had crossed a line in 8 years. I have been on both sides of this stupidly and I can tell you most affairs end within 3 months as an average and you don't really feel anything for them after as it was just lust or a stupid mistake.

8 years is a long time and he kept her close in your life instead of removing her which what most people do when they regret an affair.

He's acted like people have said he would by now getting annoyed you are not over it.

I get not wanting to be a single mother and that can seem terrifying but I really don't know how this is going to make you feel happy in the long term.

How this will effect your self-esteem how will you be able to trust again when he doesn't validate your feelings?

You need to do what's right for you. I think you hoped he would say he would cut her out your life but he is spineless and leaving it for you to make that decision.

He just agreed to being out of the house he has done absolutely nothing to make this right without being pushed to do so.

I hope things get better for you. Keep posting for support like others have said we can all say what we would do but the situation you are in is an incredibly hard one.

I think you need to ask yourself OP, what is he actually doing now to fix any of this?

You have a forced ‘fine’ out of him. That’s it. And a list of things you’re willing to accept.

So far, he is doing nothing.

@Sazdun

"Sounds very churlish but I would almost like her to see we have managed to work it out and stay together despite her. Emphasise that she was nothing in the long term. Sounds like I want to win I know and in reality I have won a bit of a shit prize but us working on this just seems to sit or feel more right than I have felt in weeks."

I don't see how you can and that is no reason to just put up with a ridiculous manchild like him just to prove you have won the booby prize. I've read all of this thread and the previous one over the last few weeks - I have probably lost track of all your personal circumstances - but I don't see what there is to save.

All this angst about the other woman, friendship groups, saving face - I don't get. Over and over, tying yourself in knots. Your kids will get over not seeing her.

He's not just a cheat, he is a liar, he is spineless, incredibly immature and I have no idea why this circus is still going on. He's pathetic, he is not going to man up, grow up or whatever, so you have to do it.

Do you have any friends who are not part of a "friendship group" that are just yours? Nothing to do with him, or his workplace, or his other woman? If you have, start there.

And you cannot trust this man again. What a complete weasel he is.

And he will probably see you as the booby prize, too, because he can't have her. Do you really want to grow old with a pointless pillock like him? I'd be filing for divorce.