Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

I agree with this part: All of this is your decision and don't feel like you can't make your own decisions for fear of what other people will think, either posters on here if you decide to try again with H, and conversely your friends and family if you decide you can't or won't move past this and want to separate. It's your life, you need to do the best for you and there's absolutely no wrong way to deal with this, the only thing is to take your time and look after yourself.

But I also agree with pp that OW is manipulative and is trying to engineer the situation to make herself look good.

DD1 is still testing positive so no egg hunt. Just doing our own. H is positive as of this morning. Honestly could not make this shit up. OW is not on my radar right now so silent it stays for now. The dilemma today is do I tell H to go back to my mum's to get better (although it would mean him travelling for an hour and a half, positive) or do I give him over our bedroom as it has the ensuite and is all self contained. That's us all had it, so chances of recatching within a week or two are slim but can't be arsed with him moping about if he is ill. Atleast in the bedroom he is out of sight but it means letting him back into that personal space

There is a lot to remember about OW and it's useful to consider just some of her actions:

• Kissed him several times, therefore spent time alone with him
• Engaged in oral sex and all the foreplay that leads up to this (where did this take place?)
• Wears 'fuck me' shoes in his company, so she has to take his arm because they hurt
• Dresses up as Elsa so that the children and no doubt 'D'H will adore her even more
• Actively plays his wife on work trips
• Has exclusive pet name for 'D'H and he for her
• Doesn't once tell 'D'H to stop contacting her
• Gives 'D'H marital advice about OP, the woman she has helped to hurt
• Engineers a meeting with OP so that she can help to fix the marriage she helped break

I suspect her wedding was really just to show 'D'H what he could have had but didn't have the balls to fight for. Now he is just an inconvenience, making her look bad.

Tell him to go to your mum's so that he has to look after himself. I really feel for you; you are so decent, but this man has never put you first.

Have you told DH about OW texting you? If not see how long it is before he can’t stop himself asking you if you plan to reply.
He’ll know all about it.

I don't see the point in meeting with the OW. There won't be any closure.

At best she'll say all the right things about how much he loves you and their friendship is just friendship....you might feel a bit better about it for a short time....just like you have periods with your husband where you think things could end up ok.

But it will be very very short lived and your anger/hurt/everything will come back just as before! You'll then be annoyed with yourself if you left things on a goodish note with her during the conversation.

Closure isn't really something you get when a situation is ongoing or very fresh, closure is something years down the line when you've mostly healed and then perhaps have conversations that wouldn't have helped or been possible at the time (because it was so fresh).

God I’d forgotten about the creepy fancy dress she wore to dazzle your kids and probably turn on your husband, shudder.. Where does grown woman even get an Elsa outfit from? Since she doesn’t have kids why would she have even seen the film?
She’s weird AF.

@Sazdun

DD1 is still testing positive so no egg hunt. Just doing our own. H is positive as of this morning. Honestly could not make this shit up. OW is not on my radar right now so silent it stays for now. The dilemma today is do I tell H to go back to my mum's to get better (although it would mean him travelling for an hour and a half, positive) or do I give him over our bedroom as it has the ensuite and is all self contained. That's us all had it, so chances of recatching within a week or two are slim but can't be arsed with him moping about if he is ill. Atleast in the bedroom he is out of sight but it means letting him back into that personal space

100% send him to your mums.

If you're getting him to stay in the bedroom does that mean you would feed him etc?

No, send him off so he can go and mope by himself.

This all sounds so horrible - being unwell and grieving for the life you thought you had.

It's very easy for people to post advice, much less easy to make decisions in the middle of it all!

I suspect that one of the really difficult things is that all the people involved are likeable and warm 'in real life' - and generally seen as good people, perhaps the best colleagues, the centre of the extended family and the friendship group.

That's part of what makes it so easy for people who are used to being the good guys to let them selves slide into breaking trust and hurting others.

Years ago a lovely friend had an affair with someone she worked with, who I knew very slightly, who wasn't single. I knew of his partner through other friends. The difficulty was that he was a lovely guy - caring, committed to helping others - which meant, of course, that he was attractive to others. And also meant that he presumably was able to rationalise it to himself - because he didn't see it as the 'really bad' sort of infidelity.

People are flawed human beings and do really stupid things, causing huge damage to the people they love - and then reassure themselves that it wasn't their fault, they couldn't help it.

Everyone's seen Frozen! Surely?

But yeah, I agree, the dressing-up thing was creepy.

OP, I agree send him away. You're obviously a very kind person, but he does not belong in that personal space right now. It might help him start to take this seriously and he'll have time to reflect on what it is he really wants to happen next.

I'm glad you're not going to the egg hunt and maintaining silence with OW. Hope your DD feels better though.

I personally don’t think I’d allow him to be in your personally space. He should still be in the dog house and should really be on his own (without you close by making his food etc) to think about the situation! Covid is working out very nicely for him right now. Give him the car and he can get food delivered to your mums, no need to stop off anywhere etc.

Send him to his mums please stop being a door mat for this man and the true love of his life - get angry and show him actions have consequences ! I can't believe you would ever let your children near this woman again - Just because your husband can't live without her you should not make that an choice for YOUR children. When they are older they will never forgive you for making them still be in her company knowing what she did to their mum. They will also end up being angry at you. Show your children a better example. I truly cannot believe you would allow YOUR children to ever be in her company ever again - what kind of mum would do that? Mums are supposed to protect their children not send them off to visit the nice lady daddy went down on and couldn't live without?

You could go to your Mums, leave him Dd. See how he gets on holding the fort alone.
Well no, don't, that was me just wanting him to suffer

I would probably give him a bedroom. Even if I would still be furious with him and would not forgive him unless he does the right thing, there is a small chance that he could become really ill. (I wouldn't underestimate Covid. It feels inhumane to tell an ill person to drive 1.5 hours and fend himself. I would do a moral thing here, just while he is ill.

@StoneMap very much what I feel but just don't want him in our bed. In this instance I probably need to be the better person. Will shove the travel kettle in with some lemsip, teabags, cuppa soup though so I feel less like a servant in the coming week. Had considered taking us three off to mum's but just too much hassle. @Freeme31 I hopefully will raise my daughters to understand life is not black and white. By the time the girls are old enough to know about this it will hopefully not be an issue anymore and a decision has been reached. Protecting my daughters is my no1 priority. I grew up in a situation where my dad took the piss and my mum became very bitter as a result. My dad had an affair and my mum threw him out straight away. She then regretted it because my dad had wanted to fix things but to get him back slept with his friend. That was it for my dad and he basically slept around with anything that moved, which my mum knew about. She would then tell anyone who so much as look at her what a bastard he was and made up her own fair share of lies to make him look even worse. It got so bitter between them. Eventually when my dad did meet someone he actually wanted to have a relationship with my mum did everything in her power to ruin the relationship and my sister and I were pawns. We were essentially made to pick sides and as I went with my dad my mum saw it as a betrayal. I am very conscious that it does not happen like that to my kids. That is why i am thinking through every scenario and consequence. Already three people who my daughter saw relatively frequently are out of her life and she is already asking when she will see them. Her dad is possibly going to be out the house soon. She hasn't seen three of her quite close friends because their mums are part of the friendship group i don't want to see at the moment. I am conscious these are the three friends she is going to primary school with and I don't want her being left out or excluded from.their wee group. The thing is that regardless teenagers will get angry with their patents no matter what they do. Hopefully by the time DD1 and 2 are old enough this matter will have been resolved and in a mature and amicable way and perhaps they need never know about it.

Freeme's comment is ridiculous. It's clear you are doing everything for your daughters. You don't need to defend yourself from nonsense like that.

If you don't want to send H off (though I think you should, unless he is genuinely quite unwell rather than just cold symptoms), is there another room he could sleep in? It's awful that he should be in your bedroom. Could he have one of the girls' bedrooms and your DDs share, or come in with you? Or is there a downstairs room he could be in? You definitely shouldn't be running around after him, no way.

In this instance I probably need to be the better person.

You're doing exactly what he expects you to do. Remember all that stuff he said about how you do everything with a smile!!

and then you said this in your next post At the same time I know I have spent years being the cool gf/ wife and being smiley and jokey when I have sometimes been annoyed or not happy because I wanted to not lose him to someone else if I nag or go on.

He will get the shock of his life if you send him to your mums. He's clearly not shocked or panicked at the moment as he has basically told you to accept the OW will be in his life.

You need to get angry again. He’s inveigling his way back into the family home, while refusing to cut contact with the other woman he’s in love with, and you’re letting him.

Send him to your mothers, or better still, kick him out and don’t give a fuck what happens to him.

Oh he is getting his feet back under the table. he must be so happy to have tested positive and no doubt OW will know.
Stop trying to be the better person- ha has not once is this whole debacle tried to be the bigger person and put you and the DD's first.
Get his away back toyour mums asap

Beware repeating the same unhealthy patterns.

In your shoes, I would send him back to your mother’s home. He’s not feeling the loss of you. He’s not restoring safety by severing OW.

He is confident that you will fall back in line.

Sazdun I have followed all this thread, and the previous one. I really think you need some space without your H or OW deciding what you should do. Your H will doubtless want to stay in the home, but at the moment I wouldn’t want him there. I think the group dynamic is skewing things as well. You seem keen to be the better person, very laudable, but what did it get you? Lies and gaslighting. Your H loves her ( or thinks he does) he puts her above you and his children. A grenade went off in your home and he discussed you and your family with her.
Why do they get to make all the decisions?
Send him away, think about how you could feel happy, take this friendship group out of the equation, let’s face it it’s shot in it’s previous form. Think about where you want to be in the future.
Don’t meet with her at this stage, what would it achieve.
Try to be honest with yourself about motivations, e.g the children, parents move all the time, sometimes very far and we have to navigate loss of friendships and important daily figures, they survive. This is not a reason to stay and compromise your own happiness, which is out there.
Good luck, whatever you do, but remember minimising and not dealing with trauma will only work for so long. The body keeps the score.

@StoneMap

I would probably give him a bedroom. Even if I would still be furious with him and would not forgive him unless he does the right thing, there is a small chance that he could become really ill. (I wouldn't underestimate Covid. It feels inhumane to tell an ill person to drive 1.5 hours and fend himself. I would do a moral thing here, just while he is ill.

I actually think it's inhumane and immoral of him to take advantage of the situation by using covid as an excuse to stay.

Exactly. And he’ll expect to stay afterwards as he’ll think he’s moved back in.

Can't he stay in the spare room (if you have one?)

You've had Covid so the chances of you re catching it so soon are practically non existent.

No way should you give up your bedroom

Actually sod that

Send him back to your mothers