Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

Remember, even if you told him not to come, he wasn't there for you when you had Covid untill you cried.
Is there an office/small room he can stay in ?
Don't go running with Lemsip,

On the other hand, it's an opportunity to relieve him of his phone (hide it from him), tell him OW wants to meet for a heart to heart and that she's hinted at full cards on the table and ask him, before you meet her, what else might come out of your conversation with her. He won't have his phone to panic call her and beg her not to tell you the truth.

I've never seen such a pathetic wet mop of a person than your husband.

@SummerWhisper

On the other hand, it's an opportunity to relieve him of his phone (hide it from him), tell him OW wants to meet for a heart to heart and that she's hinted at full cards on the table and ask him, before you meet her, what else might come out of your conversation with her. He won't have his phone to panic call her and beg her not to tell you the truth.

I agree I think there's more to come. You deserve so much more than this

@SummerWhisper

On the other hand, it's an opportunity to relieve him of his phone (hide it from him), tell him OW wants to meet for a heart to heart and that she's hinted at full cards on the table and ask him, before you meet her, what else might come out of your conversation with her. He won't have his phone to panic call her and beg her not to tell you the truth.

You're absolutely right. Because this really is a soap opera for your gratuitous entertainment, and not real life at all.

Write the next scene in your fulfilling drama. Personally, I can't wait for your next installment 👀🙄

@Rogue1001MNer if that's aimed at me, it wasn't my intention to wind up @Sazdun but to give her an opportunity to dig a bit. I don't think the full truth is out there and OP is incredibly decent to still be putting his needs above her own. Her husband seems to be a pathological liar. At this point I would be tempted to hide his phone and then smoke him out on his lies.

OP, in the kindest way possible it seems to me absolute madness that you think your options re the immediate situation are a) him staying in your bedroom and you waiting on him like a servant or b) him staying in your bedroom and you pre-planning food and appliances for his comfort (i.e. being his servant in advance!) in order to avoid you bring his servant on a day to day basis! Fuck that.

I don't know whether you've seen The Holiday but a particular line springs to mind which is, "when you catch a guy shagging another woman, you're not supposed to stay friends with him. You're supposed to never talk to the prick again, you're supposed to throw things at him, scream, call him names ... not do his blimmin' laundry"!

At the very least this is a man who has cheated on you repeatedly just before your wedding and lied to and actively manipulated you, your children and - if we believe this - everyone else around him for years and years to service his own tawdry crush. Please find your self-regard and rage.

I realise that you'll need to break the habit of many years which is to take care of him as part of your family but I really encourage you to drop the rope here COMPLETELY for the time being. Any of his own current "hardship" is his own problem.

Given your (in many ways understandable) inability to leave him to sort himself out when he's in the vicinity, I think the best and kindest course of action for YOU (who, if I may remind you, is the one who matters here) is to send him off to your mother's or anywhere else. COVID is the perfect excuse to give your children - i.e. daddy's ill and we don't want to catch it all over again so he's gone to get better elsewhere.

I hope you're ok.

truthfully you’re a much kinder person than me

I’d feel like the butt of every fucking joke (I remember further up thread you saying they refer to you as “saint”). Disgusting. Furthermore, I suspect she has a mumsnet account and/or knows about this thread. Her long dull text messages are very performative.

I’d have ghosted every fucking person involved apart from your kids. From your lying, wallowing, heartbroken husband, his emotionally manipulative, arrogant and slutty bit on tbe side, the friends who thought that you’d want to be mates with someone whose vagina your husband has eaten tp the same friends who want to carry on speaking to her
Utterly disgusting
I’m so sorry. Genuinely. I just hate them all actually.

@Sazdun

Just got this from OW: Can we meet and talk. I am sorry for all of this and for unknowingly contributing it. Have heard things second hand as I am sure you have and would like to talk to you directly, than through people. I know you don't want to see me but it might give some closure so you and H can then move on and hopefully fix things. That would be a good one...telling H I'm popping out to see her. Maybe I could really fuck them both over and say she can stay my friend and not his. Not that I would but worth to see their faces.

“Heard things second hand as I’m sure you have.”

Ha ha
What an absolute c-word
And I don’t ever use that word. Proper poison

Every time I read that message I get a bit angrier. "Heard things second hand" i.e. everyone's talking about you to me and I want you to know it and be paranoid about it and understand that all your friends are still (and possibly more) mine under the guise of my self-serving "concern".

Ugh. Poison is right.

This whole situation is awful and I have literally read all the threads but something that sticks with me is the OP is juus t not angry enough at the absolute violation of both H and OW.

I mean to now consider caring for him in whatever capacity whilst he has covid is just wild to me. I don't care how much hassle or travel it is, get the fuck out and the come back when you aren't a sick burden and help with you kids (but honestly I don't think I'd have let him back in the house at all). OP please please please you are making this too easy for all of them.

I also (unless I have missed it) have not seen you state that you require him to cut her off completely? Are you scared to ask in case he says no? Because whilst I get that, honestly what have you got to lose? If he won't you she your answer and if he will you have your answer. This limbo ends. You have EVERY right to demand he does that. To say that is a hard boundary for you in even thinking g about trying again. What he responds to that (and I suspect it will be some bullshit about not wanting to cut a friend out blah blah) will tell you everything you need to know. You don't need to convince him why, he already knows what is right but he wants his cake and to eat it all.

As for your friends whilst you can't tell them who to be friends with, you can again set a boundary and say if she is there do not invite me and vice versa. You don't need to go along with all this nonsense and I'm sure you will find that some (perhaps not all) will honour that boundary.

I'm so sorry this is happening and you have stayed so poised through but fuck that cool girl/cool wife. START DEMANDING FOR YOUR NEEDS TO BE MET BY THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU.

Honestly this is one of the worst situations I've ever come across on here and I don't say that lightly.

I agree, OP, find your anger! You'll be amazed at the power and clarity it gives you.

Just realised this one is a follow-up, all the best op

I couldn’t agree more with @cinnabun18 and @beastlyslumber

Why on earth are you allowing yourself to be treated like this, OP? I understand it’s an earth-shattering upheaval and no decision should be taken lightly, but he has literally either physically or emotionally cheating on you every single day for years and years. He is a person of such bad character I can’t even put it into words, and he STILL CHOOSES this woman over you every day. And I’m sorry - he most definitely has had sex with her.

Hi OP 👋🏽 Hows little one feeling?

I know I probably could cajole him into promising not to see her etc but how long really will that last….he said he could do that [work from home] for a while but the fact remains they work together, they have mutual friends they will come into contact with each other and I either have to accept that or be done with it.

Sazdun, if his PA with OW had been recent, would you now be cajoling him to not interact with her? Wouldn’t you instead set an iron-clad requirement that he permanently (1) stop 1:1 personal and social contact and (2) distance as much as possible at work and unavoidable social situations?

How is this any different? In my mind, this scenario — an 8 year ago PA/EA….bringing back OW with stealth and ongoing deception….over-investment and blatant adoration of her — is a violation that warrants an intentional severing. As the betrayed spouse, you have the right to demand this.

Are you actually going to contort yourself to share him with the woman he loves in a way he can’t explain?

I hope all of you are feeling much better and that H is once again staying elsewhere.

@MsDogLady yes I feel like we all need to say this over and over again until OP gets it.

Lay that boundary down so hard and so well he can't see straight. There is no confusion, or lack of clarity just the thick iron bars of the boundary you set. Cover all scenarios and specify what is not ok. Write that shit down so you don't forget anything. Similar to the mindset during a salary negotiation ask for more than you want/need and see what happens.

Know your worth and if he isn't willing to pay the price, walk away because someone else will. Show him the fire that is in your belly, because it is there. Someone without it couldn't handle this situation as you have handled it. That isn't because your the "cool wife", easy going woman. Your a beast inside, she's there I promise you. Let her out and don't squash her back down again, not for him not for anyone.

Make that promise to yourself @Sazdun. And all of that applies whether you stay with him or leave him. Leaving a marriage is not clear cut and isn't the only way you have to handle this situation. But don't let him attempt to rob you of your worth, self respect, self esteem or anything. The only person who should feel less than is him and OW.

Hi OP, I don’t think anyone is understanding the gravity of this situation!
H seems to think everything will go back to the way it was as long as he runs around for a short while.
OW is planning events and inviting your friends.
MIL hopes you will forgive them both. WTF!

When you are feeling better I would organise a ladies only dinner/drinks at your place and send H and kids to BF/cousins place again (or have it at BF’s house and then both sets of kids and H’s can stay at yours, whichever you prefer).
Set up a whatsapp group with all the ladies in your friendship group for this event (excluding OW). She didn’t want to make a statement but you OP should make one (boundaries).
And under no circumstances meet up with OW, she has no intention of helping you it’s all for her to clear her name. Like you said she always wants to “look” good to everyone. I’m sure there were lots of personal messages she was sending to your friends after the announcement with her saying how shocked and upset she is etc. (boo hoo).
Greyrock her, it will drive her mad! And effectively you don’t want her in your life so remove her from it.

Re coping, you have a whole friendship group plus nursery mum friends who you can call on in an emergency. I think we are so conditioned to try to handle everything we forget we can ask for help when up sh*ts creek.

Only go to events she won’t be at. And set up something fun to do for anything else.
We are always worried about the kids missing out but we as their family are always there to do something with them to make up for it (it often works out better). And this will help broaden their friendships. At their ages after a while they will forget about the three people they won’t be seeing. And as a lot of PP have said, this will happen a lot in their lives.
Take care of yourself xx

Hi @Sazdun just wondering if you're okay. Just wanted to say, it's fine to use this thread for support, even if you are going against the general advice here! We are still here for you, whatever you decide.

Sorry for being MIA. Both girls better but been run off my feet. H stayed in bedroom until yesterday and driving back to my mum's as I type. I believe it is over unless I decide to forgive the lying.

DD1 and myself ran into OW in the supermarket on Wed. OW was so excited to see her and watching her run up to her was horrible. Give OW her due she was very friendly to DD1 but picked up on the cue I did not want to engage. DD1 asked why she hadn't seen her in a long time or her parents. She said she was very busy at work and was having to travel lots but hopefully soon. Said her mum was away on a long holiday like my mum. So OW has at least distanced herself from DD1. However hearing DD1 harp on about her for the rest of the shop made me mad and in a fit of rage text OW telling her she should not frequent that supermarket or the coffee shop I regularly visit and she should get a new gym. Absolutely stupid I know. Probably why I haven't posted this until now because I know I lost my cool and I am embarrassed. OW didn't reply at first then,
I'll try my best to give you the space you need. Eugh now feel she has the upper hand. When I mentioned it to BF she hadn't heard anything so it doesn't seem like OW ran crying to anyone but BF said I now need to start deciding if I can forgive H or start looking at an exit plan as I cannot limbo forever. Feel that is a bit unfair given the last couple of weeks and everyone being ill.
Told H about the text to OW as he was packing up his stuff to leave and he just looked at me with such an 'over it' look and shrugged and said she would have understood where it came from. Not sure if he is still recovering and feeling tired or over me going back and forth but just feeling like sands are shifting now and not in my favour but maybe over analysing.

Re. your H looking "over it", She will already have messaged him about it.
He is probably peeved that you are not letting it drop.
Re the time line, Your Husband has NO right to put you under pressure whatsoever to make any kind of decision, considering her has been having an ongoing EA with OW for 8 years.
He probably is feeling a tad fed up having to leave the house & live in purgatory again. On the other hand, Has he offered to cut out OW ? No, I didn't think so.

As for the incident in the Supermarket, Fuck OW & the White horse she road in on. I would tell her to refrain from fawning over your daughter.
Maybe tell DD that Auntie OW has done something that really hurt you & Friends don't so that. You don't want her as a friend.

I think it's good that you told OW to keep her distance in the places you use. Don't worry what H, her or anyone thinks about you sticking up for yourself

And from your previous posts, I agree that you need some friends to be angry for you. You've got us, at the very least, or maybe you will find pastures new and be able to share the pain with some new friends and they will be horrified on your behalf. New beginnings, onwards and upwards, however rough it feels right now.

@Sazdun glad you are all on the mend and feeling better. I think you have hit the nail on the head when you say the sands are moving and potentially norm in your favour. I think you have delayed setting your boundary, and declaring what you want that everything has been left hanging. I get the feeling no one, including yourself knows what you want to do or how you want to tackle this. For example kicked out, angry, hard boundaries - that can be clear to everyone but with him kicked out, then back sick, no clear boundaries I think it's unclear what is going on. And I understand you might not know this ain't judgment just observation.

But I'm getting the sense that everyone was on tender hooks waiting to see why you would do and you did nothing (after you kicked him out). So now they are over it, probably assumed that cool girl was back in full effect and it would all blow over.

Seems like now they are wanting to "get on with things" and treating you and your feelings as if they are in the way of that. Like they are all waiting for you to get on board with their plan. Because you didn't make a plan. And it's unfair, I'm raging for you. How fucking dismissive! And a little heartless of BF to tell you to make a call because you can't limbo forever. This isn't an easy choice but that response doesn't feel compassionate.

I worry you have surrounded yourself with exceedingly selfish people and I urge you to really evaluate your friendships/relationships because I just can't believe the cheek of all of them. Acting as if a bomb wasn't dropped on your lap and basically expecting you to figure it out alone with no help or compromise and then get on board with how they want to live life.

What do you want OP? Not what you think he wants or she wants or your friends want? What do you WANT! And get to asking for it sharpish. Or I feel like your going to miss an opportunity to get it and have the upper hand.

I hope this doesn't come across harsh. Your facing an impossible task and such betrayal and hurt. I really feel for you, but it sounds like you are being way too passive and are therefore being taken advantage off and I really want you to stop being taken advantage of!

Hey, glad you are okay. I agree with pp that you seem to be surrounded by cold, selfish people. Your bf's comment was pretty heartless. Why wouldn't she encourage you to take your time? I mean, ffs, what would she do in your situation? It baffles me how so many of the people around you seem to have no empathy or compassion for your situation.

I'm not surprised that things are turning, and not in your favour. The dynamic has never been in your favour, but for the last few weeks, because you had the moral high ground, they've been waiting for your blessing to carry on as usual. You haven't given your blessing, and that has pissed everyone off. You're not playing your role as the submissive, passive, accepts-everything-with-a-smile wife. So their ploy of being patient and apologetic hasn't worked. Don't be surprised if you start getting anger, impatience, heavier gaslighting, more manipulation, from both of them, from now on.

Hold your head high, @Sazdun . You've done nothing wrong. Your husband's 'over it' look is him gaslighting you, as is OW's dismissive response. They're trying to convince you that what they've done is nothing, no big deal, so why can't you just get over it? You being hurt and angry is being dramatic and oversensitive, and there's something wrong with you for feeling and behaving this way. This is going to be the message that starts coming back to you more and more from both of them, and potentially from mutual friends too. Don't let them mess with your perceptions. You can always post here for a reality check.

I would get very clear in your mind about what you want to happen next. It's pretty obvious by now that H is not going to cut off his relationship with OW. You can keep your marriage to him if you don't mind him being in love/obsessed with OW and her being in your life. At least it's crystal clear now what the situation is. I'm sorry it's so shit, though. You need a mate who will rage on your behalf, I think!