Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

[quote Sazdun]@RobertsRadio it is that, the lying that is one of the big things. He seems embarrassed to have lied to all his friends. From what I heard through BF the guys were all very angry about that. Especially as in the past he was the one to tell them not to get into situations when on stag do etc. He gave a bollocking to his friend that cheated on his gf and made a proper effort to make sure we didn't exclude the gf over the cheating friend. The hypocrisy has made a few of them roll their eyes but as for how H feels about it, I think he is just playing the 'protect' 'got into deep with the lie' thing. As I have said before he is the guy they all phone if they need a hand with stuff so everyone views him as the super lovely helpful family man. They are angry that I have been left so hurt but I think they just want it fixed and back to normal.[/quote]
What they want doesn’t matter.

Fuck off OW. She’s very careful in her messages - “unknowingly contributed”. She takes no responsibility whatsoever.

She’s only wanting to meet you so she can go back to the rest of the group to say “I tried….”

Hang on - how did OW unknowingly contribute? She l kissed your H and let him go down on her (which is actually more intimate than intercourse in my eyes) and even after she found out, she continued to have an unusual attachment to him also known as an emotional affair. How is she the innocent party in all this?

I agree with this from @kaleidoscope123
Silence is power from you at this stage!

However I disagree with this
I think if you want something even close to the truth you should speak to OW husband, he will be rubbing his hands with glee at the situation your husbands got himself into (as he will also have had an issue with them being such close friends) and has no need to protect anyone! I suspect this is also why he was trying to organise a guys night when on his honeymoon (men gossip more than women)
Because I think that this invite from OW's H is part of OW manipulation (of friendship group). I suspect the idea of the invite came from her and she got ger H to send the text.

Have you replied Sazdun? You don't have to. Nor do you have to do anything you don't want to.

What's happening with the Easter egg hunt?

@StoneMap all of this is spot on

He’s saying stuff but what is your husband actually DOING about this situation?

I don’t think OW offered up meeting with her husband on her own instead? I was just meaning that if she wants the truth she isn’t likely to get it from OW and her only bet that end is from OW husband.

How on earth OW honestly thought she knew but never once mentioned the incident to her is completely mind boggling. I think OW has a ‘nice’ facade but is actually self absorbed and manipulative. Where are all her friends from 8 years ago before she crashed your life?!

I think if you do go you would have to ask her to step back that is the only good thing that could come out of meeting the only thing that will put her on the back foot. If not I wouldn't go or respond.

As right now she wants to carry on deluding herself and others that she's had no part in this and wants to help fix things and get it back to how it was.

If she really felt like 'helping' and don't want to hurt you she wouldn't carry on msging your husband on her honey moon. I also agree with others that his MSG's look some what scripted maybe with her looking at them before being sent.

Him crying at her wedding does not make sense if nothing has happened in 8 years.

I really think OW has been using your husband for the very least for validation and ego boosting over the years. I also feel to have maintained that she must of been chucking a bone here and there.

She is not innocent at all.

I really hope you find peace.

I think if you do go you would have to ask her to step back

Don't do that. It's giving her the power/letting her know that she has power in the situation. She obviously already thinks she has that, and tbf, she does seem to have power over H and by extension, your marriage.

Silence is the only response that claims your dignity and power over the situation.

I totally agree with @beastlyslumber. For all of their post.
But also, I don't think we, as adults, have the right to ask another adult to do that. I think we can say how we feel about it. But one can't tell another adult what to do.
I think it's ok to say, 'if you do x, I'll feel y and I will do z'
But it's not reasonable, I don't think, to effectively say 'you can't play with my friends'

I agree with @RogueMNer and @beastlyslumber. Please don't humiliate yourself by asking her to step back. I also agree that it doesn't feel right to ask another adult to do that. It is H who has to tell OW in no uncertain terms that he will not communicate with her any more except about work as he loves his wife. Ultimately this is a marriage crisis, and it's for you and H to fix. Not anyone else. I just cannot believe that she has put herself right in the middle of your family without any trace of shame for the past 8 years, then she has the nerve to try to push herself again right between you and H as a saviour in the middle of this crisis in which she was an active participant. If there is to be a healing process, she is the last person to be there. She may be panicking that your girls may not turn up at the Easter Egg hunt, as that will send a clear signal to the friendship circle that the problem is indeed serious. It's not her preferred version of events. I quite like the 'silence is power' approach, suggested upthread.

Bloody hell she's got some right brass neck going on there hasn't she. Meet up for a cozy chat so she can fix your marriage for you? How about fuck off you duplicitous cuckoo.

Honestly @Sazdun I don't know how you're keeping it together so well. Her emotionally manipulative drivel gives me rage.

Brass neck is precisely the phrase that keeps going through my head in this thread every time OW pops up!

Her thoughts, feelings and preferences are completely irrelevant in this, OP, and I completely second all the posters suggesting you treat her accordingly (with total silence). As well as keeping your dignity I expect it will have the added bonus of unnerving her.

I would also be telling BF and anyone else you're confiding in in no uncertain terms that they do not have your permission to say a single solitary word to her about how you are, what you're thinking or what you're doing. If they want to stay friendly with her otherwise, that's their poor judgement decision but that should be your red line at minimum. It's time for them to show a bit of fucking loyalty to you. If they can't even manage that much, what are they for?

As for your DH, I'm afraid I agree with the posters who have said he's all mouth and no trousers and doing next to nothing to actually fight for your family. He either doesn't seriously think he's likely to lose you or, frankly, is in two minds about whether he wants to. To be honest, that's what would hurt me the most at this point. I might be able to get over an affair that happened 8 years ago; I would probably call it a day after how he's acted since - having the gall to weave her into your life to serve his own illicit crush; but the utter failure to immediately jettison her and do everything to win back my love and trust at this point would be the final nail for me. The only thing he's given you are words, and half of those are about how oh so deep and complex his feelings are for OW!

I mean, really, fuck them all.

You can only decide yourself if you want to meet her and talk. But do you really want to be in a vulnerable situation whereby you could breakdown and admit how you think/know your husband feels about her having heard him admit he loves her but can’t articulate in what way?

Do you want to admit you were so shocked at how your H got over emotional at her wedding that you had to pretend you weren’t feeling well and that you needed to leave?

How are you going to talk about the uncomfortable feelings that you’ve had for years about their close ongoing friendship. Then tackle the issue of your H and her having a relationship just prior to your wedding.

She’s just got married. It all goes back to your H’s feelings for this woman “Bet”. Do you really want to discuss “Blanche with “Bet”?

Or do you want to hold your head up high and assimilate over time how you feel about all of this and what strides your H makes to convince you that your marriage has a future.

Your H has been messaging her on honeymoon, she returns and then you have personal talks with her. Surely the point is that everyone needs distance (albeit they are work colleagues).

As others have said you really can’t be asking her to maintain her distance. You and your H need to demonstrate this is the way forward.

It’s just crazy and deluded to think that the group and friendship dynamic can return to what it was. Well I suppose it can if you fully accept that nothing is going to change and that you will continue to feel uncomfortable about their friendship, but with extra bells and whistles on now knowing the conversations you have had with your H about his strength of feelings towards her.

So much of your problems stem from how entwined she is in your lives and friends. I’m really not sure at all that I would want to invite and involve her more in your deep personal anxiety. She’s been there too much and now is the time to create some distance not draw her further into your marriage problems.

But down to you.

Personally, I would not meet up with OW. Her relationship with H has polluted your marriage and family, so I would have nothing to say to her. I would not walk into this trap and provide her more ego supply. That she feels entitled to stick her beak in speaks volumes.

After H brought her ‘in,’ they proceeded to cross boundaries to ensure her exalted position. As they over-invested in each other, you felt more and more marginalized. Early on, her H asked you what you thought of their relationship. You chose to play it cool, but he too must have felt unsettled.

In his lengthy damage-control letter, H stated that OW “isn’t special.” How disingenuous. He has and is proving the opposite. They are biding their time, waiting on you to snap out of it.

I would meet her and hear her out.

She’s desperate for positive PR in your group of friends so she can get back to her preferred position of little miss lovely.
Two ways she can achieve this, by getting you to meet her - so she can tell everyone you’re friends again/you’ve forgiven her, or having your children at the Easter egg hunt she’s organised- do not let either of these of these things happen. She’s scrambling to retain that halo - she’s worried her reputation is going to slowly take a well deserved kicking in the friendship circle and she desperately needs your forgiveness to stop that happening.
Does she not have any friends of her own? I wonder if she’s got form for this- hence the lack of original mates and her mums instant clocking of the situation…

@Zonder

I would meet her and hear her out.

If you meet her, there is an option for you to say absolutely nothing at all. Just sit in silence and let her talk. I would record it on phone as well. If you think you're able to do it, that would be an option.

But I do agree with the majority here that meeting/talking to her would be a big mistake. I know you're not thinking in terms of tactics but she is - at the very least, you have to assume that she is. It would be a big tactical error to give her an audience. Silence is your most powerful move here.

I wonder if meeting you is so she can say ‘well I tried’.

Both her and your DH seem very adamant that you need to fix this so things can go back to normal. Neither of them are thinking about you in this. It’s all about them. Let’s brush this under the carpet and carry on.

I've not totally caught up, I only read the 1st post on the other thread as it was so painful, I have now read it, @beastlyslumber you gave a wonderful reply to @secretsqizzle

Heart break is painful and awful, you must do what's best for you.

I think I would go to the Easter Egg hunt with your girls, and hold your head high

Give her nothing.
I will rip out my liver & eat it, if your H & she haven't already met to have a pow wow about this
She lies, she knew your H was engaged, she knew you weren't aware, & hadn't forgiven her slutty behaviour
she has had an ongoing EA for years, l
She has crashed into your family. Inveigling herself with your DD, & keeping you second guessing for years.

Do not speak to her, do not go, or let Dd go to the party, or let your slimy double standard H take her.
.
This attempt to meet is damage control, with her H, & the friendship group.
If you cant resist replying, & in this instance, Silence is Golden,
This succint reponse should do it;

"Fuck off"

I've followed your threads from the start but haven't posted before now. There are loads of posters on this thread telling you what you should do and what your H & the OW have done or are thinking etc. but nobody actually knows. And nobody can tell you what you should or shouldn't feel, or what you should or shouldn't do.

I'm going to go against the grain and say actually I think maybe meeting the OW could be the right thing to do for you (could being the operative word, only you can decide). I completely understand the turmoil you're in at the moment, and that part of you wants your old life back. Maybe meeting OW could help to clarify your thoughts. Being in her presence might make things clearer for you, perhaps when you see her your overwhelming thought will be what she and your H did and the betrayal over the years, or maybe it will be less about the two of them and more about your H, or maybe about her more than H, maybe it will help you to make sense of the past and decide on how you want your future to be. I'm not saying it will definitely make things clearer but it might.

All of this is your decision and don't feel like you can't make your own decisions for fear of what other people will think, either posters on here if you decide to try again with H, and conversely your friends and family if you decide you can't or won't move past this and want to separate. It's your life, you need to do the best for you and there's absolutely no wrong way to deal with this, the only thing is to take your time and look after yourself.

Actually, I completely agree with this ⬆️⬆️

Personally, I don't agree meeting with OW will help OP. But I do agree with the entire sentiment

Everything this OW types seems incredibly carefully crafted. She's trying to reel you in. "Have heard things second hand.." God, she's sly. She wants you to think your friends are talking to her behind your back and you so desperately want to know what they've said that you'll meet with her. She's going to use this against you, because she can go around saying "Look everyone! Sazdun and I are still friends and she has forgiven me because had no part in this, everything was husband's fault, not mine at all and my life can just carry on as normal." She's manipulating you.

Are you sure you aren’t OW?

Of course she should do what she wants to do, we all agree on this and I don’t think everyone is queuing up to say LTB etc. We are just all concerned she was continuing to be manipulated, as she so clearly has been by H and OW for the last 8 years, and giving support. Everyone in her life seems to be fighting for this all to go back to as it was before as that’s much easier for them to live with, she doesn’t have any friends outside that friendship group.

I personally wouldn’t meet OW anytime soon, her tone and content are absolutely disgraceful. Also, the DD going to the Easter egg hunt is setting the wrong tone to the rest of the friendship group. It’s suggests that she is fine with all this but will need time until she goes along yourself etc when really she is still processing her feelings and thinking about what to do!

Don’t forget OW needs to polish her imagine not just to the friendship group but also her own mother (who is the only other person who seemed to not know about this and has responded how you would expect everyone else too, but those other people have been manipulated over the last 8 years to think what went down is completely fine).