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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

921 replies

Sazdun · 27/03/2022 18:05

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

OP posts:
Rogue1001MNer · 15/04/2022 10:03

I can read this from Zonder
So she didn't know he was about to marry you, got involved with him then they stopped. He married you and some time later rekindled his friendship with her. She believed you knew what had happened and didn't want to talk about it. That's the line he gave everyone so nobody ever talked about it.

And understand this perspective. And therefore cut her slack. BUT the fact she then makes 2 social arrangements with the group from her honeymoon sends a strong message, I think.. it's v much like a dog pissing to mark it's territory

caringdenise009 · 15/04/2022 11:11

She might not have known that he was about to marry you but HE did, and he didn't tell her. Because he fancied her and wanted something to happen, which it did. While he was engaged. He was unfaithful and he lied to you, I wouldn't be able to get past that. How would he react if your roles were reversed?

butterpuffed · 15/04/2022 15:06

I know I probably could cajole him into promising not to see her etc but how long really will that last?

@Sazdun , I don't think you could handle that as you would be forever asking yourself if that could be the only reason he agreed to it.

It needs to come from him and it doesn't look as if it's even occurred to him let alone considered it as an option.

RobertsRadio · 15/04/2022 16:26

I think what I would find hard to overcome, apart from your DH's infatuation or love for another women is the Lying to you, to Her and to all your friends for All those years. It would mean, after being able to lie like that over such a big thing, I would never be sure of anything ever again.

I mean, In all of his behaviour since you finding out, is he truly embarrassed at lying to so many people? Or does he think everyone should just skip over that and forget it just to make his life easier?

Sazdun · 15/04/2022 16:26

Just got this from OW:
Can we meet and talk. I am sorry for all of this and for unknowingly contributing it. Have heard things second hand as I am sure you have and would like to talk to you directly, than through people. I know you don't want to see me but it might give some closure so you and H can then move on and hopefully fix things.
That would be a good one...telling H I'm popping out to see her. Maybe I could really fuck them both over and say she can stay my friend and not his. Not that I would but worth to see their faces.

OP posts:
TracyBeakerSoYeah · 15/04/2022 16:31

Maybe you should as would serve them right!
In all honestly you deserve a better husband, he's not worthy of you

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 15/04/2022 16:31

Honesty not honestly!

Sazdun · 15/04/2022 16:32

@RobertsRadio it is that, the lying that is one of the big things. He seems embarrassed to have lied to all his friends. From what I heard through BF the guys were all very angry about that. Especially as in the past he was the one to tell them not to get into situations when on stag do etc. He gave a bollocking to his friend that cheated on his gf and made a proper effort to make sure we didn't exclude the gf over the cheating friend. The hypocrisy has made a few of them roll their eyes but as for how H feels about it, I think he is just playing the 'protect' 'got into deep with the lie' thing. As I have said before he is the guy they all phone if they need a hand with stuff so everyone views him as the super lovely helpful family man. They are angry that I have been left so hurt but I think they just want it fixed and back to normal.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 15/04/2022 16:34

Do you want to talk to her? I think she's got a nerve asking to talk to you. Has this come from H - is this about her doing him a favour or intervening because she thinks she can solve things on his behalf?

I note she's continuing the gaslighting, too. She 'unknowingly contributed' really? And she thinks that some words from her are going to heal your relationship...

Again, do YOU want to see her? Because if not, then definitely don't meet up. And even if you DO want to see her, as I said before, take a friend with you. You will need a witness because she is going to try to gaslight the fuck out of you.

StoneMap · 15/04/2022 16:37

Sorry that you are in such an impossible position. I echo lots of PPs views on H, so I won't repeat it here.

About OW. I would never trust OW. Firstly any decent/sensible person with their history would never ever put themselves right in the heart of the family. Respecting the boundary and keeping distance is a sensible thing to do. She hasn't.

OW told your H or (you) that she feels threatened by her own H's continuing friendships with his ex girlfriends. So she knows exactly how an ex hanging out with your man feels like, yet she chose to do exactly that to you. She would probably defend herself that Oh OP is so cool and strong so she thought it was OK. Don't buy into that. She is inflicting the pain she received from her H's ex girlfriends onto you. She knows exactly what she is doing.

OW's recent texts to H are well thought and carefully constructed messages to the extent that they are unnatural. They are carefully written (rehearsed in her head many times) with wider audience - you and the friendship group - in mind. They are OW's public speech marking her territory and trying to prove her innocence and her high moral standard.

"Sometimes she has worn really fucking stupid shoes when we have been out and I have had to give her my arm but everytime I have told you..." (H's comments from your earlier thread)
Does this mean that H and OW "sometimes" have walked arm in arm? I guess her feet become painful magically only when she is out with H? (Have you seen her needing support from others in walking in those shoes, you or any girlfriends ?) Obviously this is not one-off case of brand-new pair of shoes causing blisters the first time you wear them, is it? If this happened more than once, it is an intentional act on her part as well his.

OW isn't as innocent as she or some would like to portray herself. I see an extremely thick skinned clever woman, putting herself in right in the middle of your life whilst knowing that the "friendship" is making you uncomfortable.

Your H. His recent short texts to OW creeped me out. Sorry. He sounds like a little boy desperately trying to get attention, approval and reaction from a mother. But he is not a little boy. He is a middle-aged man with a wife and children. It's pathetic, inappropriate and unhealthy. The power balance in their so-called friendship changed somewhere along the line. I always viewed OW as a marriage breaker. By sending these pathetic texts to OW on her honeymoon, he is stepping on her man's toes. He probably has lost perspective as to what his actions look in other people's eyes.

With all I have said here, I am not ready to join in the "LTB" group, yet. H needs to fully "wake up" from this unhealthy obsession with OW, and he will probably need professional help to achieve this. However, I would never trust OW. She shouldn't be in your family life.

FawnDrenched · 15/04/2022 16:44

The OW wants to talk to either massage her own ego regarding what a nice person she is or to get over the guilt she is feeling. Honestly I would give her nothing which means not seeing her. Let her live in her own dishonest world

Vanderpump · 15/04/2022 16:51

I wouldn't make any contact with her at present

beastlyslumber · 15/04/2022 16:54

I agree with everything Stonemap says about OW. She is not someone you can trust.

Littlepaws18 · 15/04/2022 16:55

The only reason she wants to meet is to absolve herself and ensure that she still has her friendship group in-tacked. I can't see how you meeting her would help you- your husband needs to cut her loose and focus on you. Even her message was playing I'm also the innocent party who has been hurt by this. She has no perception of her own actions. If I were you I'd not meet her.

StoneMap · 15/04/2022 16:56

Missed the OW's message to you. Closure only happens when OW is out of the picture. OW shouldn't be any part in your future life! Crucially your H must be the one who is actively cutting contact with her, not you, because the problem is not you, it's H. It's H who needs to fix things. From her text, she seems determined to stay in your lives. There are every signs that she was an active participant in this emotional affair. It's not just about 8 years ago. If I were to have such a meeting with OW, it would be when H is fully ready to cut ties with her and I would go with H, possibly with my best friends or someone as a witness.
Also bear in mind, anything you might say in your emotional state may be relayed to your friendship group. Remember you could become emotional and might end up saying things you might regret, but she will repeat the official lines she has rehearsed in her head many times. You won't gain anything out of meeting OW now.

Freeme31 · 15/04/2022 16:58

This woman and your husband have ruined yours and your children's future dreams - why would you ever speak to her again ? You & your husband should never look in her direction far less speak to her. For this to work neither of you should give her the time of day but unfortunately your husband still loves her & can't give her up far less not speak to her - does he still want to speak to her ? Do you really want to speak to her? Why, so she can tell you how sorry & innocent she is ? Why do you even care about her?

Honeyroar · 15/04/2022 17:21

She really thinks she’s innocent in all this. Who in their right mind would think someone would forgive and become friendly with someone that slept with their fiancé right before the wedding without ever mentioning it?

kaleidoscope123 · 15/04/2022 17:30

I personally wouldn’t meet her. Silence is power from you at this stage! I think if you want something even close to the truth you should speak to OW husband, he will be rubbing his hands with glee at the situation your husbands got himself into (as he will also have had an issue with them being such close friends) and has no need to protect anyone! I suspect this is also why he was trying to organise a guys night when on his honeymoon (men gossip more than women).

Sadly I suspect who OW is hearing things 3rd party from will largely be your husband. He really is either completely stupid and lacking in any ability to make a sound judgment or thinks he can walk all over your feelings.

As I don’t think you’ve spoken to anyone else but your BF and really if she’s gossiping then it’s probably in your best interest (assuming she is a true friend).

OW is all out damage limitation and distancing herself. Her and her hubby are clearly desperate to keep your friendship group which is ironic as they were yours and hubbys friends originally!

MsDogLady · 15/04/2022 17:45

OW just can’t stay away from your marriage, can she? H’s affair partner and long-time recipient of his strong, confused love has no business offering “closure.”

Moser85 · 15/04/2022 17:48

@SummerWhisper

But the fact remains they work together, they have mutual friends, they will come into contact with each other, and I either have to accept that or be done with it

This is his manifesto for your marriage. If he were truly in pain and wanted you and only you above everything and everyone else it would read:

We work together, but I will go out of my way to minimise all contact at work and it will be purely work-based communication. Our mutual friends will decide if they want to follow us or stay with her. That's their choice but not my concern right now. It's us two and our two girls from now on. Nobody else matters.

This 100%

People in pain will make all the promises in the world, even ones that they can't or don't stick to but at the time when they make them they often think they mean them and believe they will stick to them as they are so focused on fixing things and ending the pain.

He's not acting like a man who's worried about losing his family AT ALL.

Freeme31 · 15/04/2022 18:22

This is so true OP. : "OW just can’t stay away from your marriage, can she? H’s affair partner and long-time recipient of his strong, confused love has no business offering “closure.”"

ValerieCupcake · 15/04/2022 18:33

@Mix56

As far as I can tell, "its all mouth & no trousers" (sorry) He says he wants to make it up to you, he loves his family, bla bla bla Meanwhile he has taken absolutely no actions to enforce this.
I've been following this. I agree. I read the posts about throwing the baby out with the bathwater and so on. And if he hasn't acted on the 'crush' (at what, 38?) that's ok. It is not ok. He behaved very badly at the wedding. I would never be able to trust him again.
BadNomad · 15/04/2022 18:34

I really don't understand why that woman thinks she has any importance in all this. Her side of the story isn't going to fix anything. She's not even thinking about you. It's all about her. "All this drama over me. I MUST fix it because I'm such a good person. Really I'm just innocent victim like Sazdun. All our friends agree."

Don't forget her mother saw it for what it was.

SummerWhisper · 15/04/2022 18:36

Please, be kind to yourself and block the unknowing contributor to the break-up of your marriage. Her motive is not to help you, but to save her halo. It is a PR stunt, nothing more. Your silence towards her is your dignity and she is trying to take that from you.

beastlyslumber · 15/04/2022 18:48

Your silence towards her is your dignity and she is trying to take that from you.

100%