Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

OP Loving the remark about the light above the shower! Getting a glimpse into what fun you are when your life isn't being blown apart ...[flowers[

@Sazdun I’m completely in awe of your dignity, insight and eloquence - I truly think that this wet lettuce of a husband doesn’t deserve you, but I wish you the very best in whatever course of action you choose to take.

I am so sorry that you're going through this OP. You are in an almost unimaginable position and handling it with class and dignity. It is great that you are starting to put yourself first in this, you deserve to

Sazdun I can assure you that I am not the OW ! I am a 58 yr old criminal investigator from Sussex .. (search me - I am sometimes oblique and alter specific details .. ) however I am horribly analytical.. I look at the evidence.

You married. You had kids. (Huge game changer because now you both have additional responsibility to other humans and their future lives) He appears to not have done anything to compromise those promises he made.. although I DO get your misgivings.

He does seem to really love you. He has had a 'fantasy' that has not /will not be realised and that's also because he doesn't want to... because how he feels for you. BUT ..

This is a knife edge. YOU need and deserve certainties. The ONLY way to rescue this is for him to take the hit and cut her from his life. NOT because of her but because of him.

If I were you (literally in this situation) I would be looking to rebuild but on that issue. Yes I love what we have but absolutely NOT with 'OW' (she really is t a OW) nevertheless that is the sacrifice he needs to make . For you.

My god he has skated beyond the edge.. (sex is one thing but Love is far far harder) .. and this is what he needs to do to be with you. Show you how important YOU are.. x

@secretsqizzle

Can I just double check my understanding of what's going on here. ? The threads are both very long with OPs posts extremely rambling (I understand they were a stream of consciousness type scenario used as a form of processing ) however quite tricky to follow at times and I may have missed something.

The husband met 'OW' when the OP and he were still just engaged.
OW and DH formed a crush and ended up having Oral sex. ONCE.

OP and DH have been very very happily married for 8 years . Two children have been born.

DH and 'OW' have continued to work together and is become a family friend. There has been absolutely no physical intimacy between them since the OPs marriage.

The DH has had a crush on this woman for years. A crush he hasn't acted on. The woman doesn't feel the same and has in fact recently married someone else.

OP feels completely betrayed by (what many would consider , minor) transgression eight years ago. Despite that transgression never having been repeated since the marriage - OP feels like the whole marriage is built on lies . ?

Have I got that right ? If so then I think this is a massive over reaction and a whole pile of drama with huge consequences for the whole family.

You want to leave a 'fantastic marriage' to a man who loves you and to whom you love' for a one time mistake and a crush he has never acted on ... ? That sounds pretty much a one way thing anyway. I also doubt 'OW' is remotely interested now anyway. It's one thing to have an affair with someone whose partner you don't know/hardly know. (When this happened)
It's quite another to have one with the husband of a family friend. Takes a very particular personality to be ok with that.

Or have I missed a post where it turns out he has been shagging her for 8 years? In which case I take it back. - show him the door and get thee to a shit hot lawyer..

This is my take on it too. @sazdun, do take your time over this; mumsnet can be so focused on LTB that the baby gets thrown out with the bathwater. It sounds like you have a good family unit and you absolutely don't have to throw that away. I say that as someone who is happily divorced and who thinks that a good relationship is the most precious thing. My ex husband had a big emotional affair. We got past it. That wasn't the problem - our split was later and unrelated. If I had let my pride call the shots then, I would have regretted it many times since.

Completely agree this could be salvageable, if the idiot actually said, "I love you, OW is nothing to me, I will cut her out."
Errr except weeks later, he is running to her to confide in & get solace from...

Thanks @secretsqizzle and @DivorcedAndDelighted. I feel I'll probably go round the block a good few times before I figure out what to do. I want my life to go back to how it was for the most part. Minus the wondering about H and OW at the back of my mind. At the moment I just can't get past the fact he hasn't cut her out and that he was intimate with her. I'm annoyed at myself too because I didn't stand up for myself. A lot of the time I don't think H or OW are bad people, just they have made bad choices and i wonder if I can be the bigger person and forgive that for the sake of all that we might lose. Then I get absolutely livid and think why should I compromise. Probably I have been swayed by people at MN who think she is a conniving bitch and he is liar of the century. Deep down I don't think that is true. I think OW bought into my H lie that I knew because it eased her guilt. H probably didn't want tobhurt me but his actions have nonetheless. He also loves her whether that be romantically or as a friend I have to share my husband's love and I presently don't know how to process that or if I ever can. I know I probably could cajole him into promising not to see her etc but how long really will that last? He has worked from home the last two weeks and when we chatted at the weekend, he said he could do that for a while but the fact remains they work together, they have mutual friends theg will come into contact with each other and I either have to accept that or be done with it.

I either have to accept that or be done with it.
and there it is.......

@storminateacupagain indeed but right now I can't. Maybe one day I might but what do I do in the interim? Honestly I wish I voted give evey single one of you a glass of wine/gin for putting up with my back nd forth. I drive myself insane, god knows what you almost think of me.

*could give. Jesus auto bloody correct

No job, no great loan, no woman should be worth your marriage. If he wants to make this work all three of those things should fundamentally change. He claims he wants you back, he should be relentlessly working on these getting to the point where he becomes an acceptable option.

These things are difficult but by no means impossible and actually he needs to jump through hoops and walk through fire for you- these points my well be his test to prove to you, that you alone is the most important person in his life.

Let him do the work, he's got a hell of a lot to prove.

He just hasn't even stopped contacting her I mean he hasn't taken one step towards shutting her out and building walls with you.

Have you read - Not Just Friends or looked at the other work by Shirley Glass?

I don't know what you should do. I don't even know what I would do were I in your shoes. But I do know how awful it is. And I do know how deeply, deeply I feel for you.

Probably I have been swayed by people at MN who think she is a conniving bitch and he is liar of the century. Deep down I don't think that is true. I think OW bought into my H lie that I knew because it eased her guilt. H probably didn't want tobhurt me but his actions have nonetheless.

I think you're right here. So she didn't know he was about to marry you, got involved with him then they stopped. He married you and some time later rekindled his friendship with her. She believed you knew what had happened and didn't want to talk about it. That's the line he gave everyone so nobody ever talked about it.

I don't really think OW or your friends have done anything wrong. Yes perhaps they could have brought it up with you but if I had been told you knew and didn't want to talk about it I wouldn't bring it up.

Your H decided not to tell you because he is a coward and thought he could get away with covering it all up. This is the issue. And he is still discussing it with OW and getting her help. It doesn't sound like he is really dealing with what he has done wrong. This is what I would be tackling.

Does he understand how he has screwed up? Is he willing to stop contacting OW and to steer clear of her where possible at work or in social situations? Is he willing to really talk with you and do what you ask to put this right?

They work in the same office but she didn’t know he was imminently getting married? Not one mutual work colleague mentioned it? Were no other work colleagues invited to your wedding then? It doesn’t really make sense….why did she think he had several weeks of holiday booked off in the foreseeable? Did he lie and pretend it was an upcoming holiday not a honeymoon? If someone’s getting married in our office pretty much everyone knows either through chit chat or working out cover and workload whilst they are away.
Plus we do a collection…,

@Beefcurtains79 I had not even thought about that. H does keep a lot to himself at work but you are right his colleagues did know we were getting married. We didn't invite anyone from his work and only two from mine as it was going to end up adding 30+ people to our guest list and the wedding was not close to home. His work is strange because it is a big multinational company but then he works in quite a niche side of it. He works on projects and there are different teams for each project, so if I give her the benefit of the doubt. She has maybe just got talking to him at some random point but not worked closely with him but still strange no one said anything to her. Another question to add to my is she talking shit list. Your office sounds nice, never had anything like that at mine but then again if you don't invite people to it why would they.

I think you are great, sazdun. But I also think you have been deeply betrayed by your hustand. In a sense OW is irrelevant - it's the fact that your husband has worked so hard to keep her in his life that is the important bit. Even now, he is stltlying to her, turning to her, has not made moves to protect your marriage.

In your initial post you expressed gratitude to your husband for being with you, and said you felt he was too good for you. I think you have put him on a pedestal and this is warping your judgement of your current situation. If your marriage is to survive, you have to be in it as equals. So no, it would not be okay for you to just accept the situation and move on. The message that sends is "you don't matter." I wonder if that underlying sentiment is behind your husband and OW's behaviour. Think about the message it sends your kids also.

If he cuts context with OW then maybe you have a chance. But you need to work on your self esteem and self worth too.

Sorry, typoes! I think stiltlying was meant to be "talking".

Why isn't he actively looking for another job? Why should you just accept it? He should be looking for another job to prove his loyalty to you and the fact he isn't and is saying you just have to accept doesn't sound like a man trying to save his family. He still has the power, and there remains an imbalance if you're expected to stay with with him but put up with their work relationship. Maybe he thinks you will do, but be firm and be harsh. He needs a new job and you guys need to move if that's what it takes. He created this, he has to deal with the consequences not you putting up with him! Have a real backbone on this OP, it's still not equal. Sorry if it sounds harsh but be super firm, he has to find a new job. He may work in a niche instrusty, but there's other roles. The fact he isn't actively on to a recruiter makes him sound like a selfish a hole.

As far as I can tell, "its all mouth & no trousers" (sorry)
He says he wants to make it up to you, he loves his family, bla bla bla
Meanwhile he has taken absolutely no actions to enforce this.

I find it really odd that you clearly circulate messages to people saying your husband has said he is in love with someone else (as well as you) now but none of your friends or OW has picked this up or discussed how wrong this is! I don’t love any of my male or female friends even in a platonic way, why would you? You love family members. OW messages to husband don’t mention anything about how this is inappropriate and that she lives her husband etc.

I may be wrong here but it sounds like you do everything for your husband, like an old school housewife, cooking/cleaning/ironing and the OW refuses to do theses functions for her husband (or anyone). He has it very cushy with you but then can also have his time off doing happy things with OW who he apparently loves! This must in some way be an emotional affair?! I have close male friends I go to for help and support with personal and work related matters as they are a bit more mentally capable of dealing with and explaining matters in a pragmatic way (otherwise referred to as ‘sound advice’) than my husband but I don’t and couldn’t love any of them!

Sazdun, the back/forth/up/down of processing infidelity and betrayal is normal and expected. You’re really digging in to examine your feelings and the relevant information, and that’s healthy.

Is OW talking shit? Well, she clearly lied about the extent of their relationship when she told you, “It stopped within weeks of it starting.” H had already admitted that during 2013-14 they flirted, kissed, sexted, and had oral sex. So, much longer than “weeks.” And if she was on the outs at the time with her boyfriend, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was partly due to her escalating closeness to H.

As for H, he has twice engineered a dual life with you and OW for his gratification, the first time in the shadows, and the next while hiding in plain sight and involving you and the children. You struggled with distress at their growing closeness, but manipulated yourself to accept it. It all seemed off to you, and you had no idea that the root of their intimacy was the affair they had years before. H validated the threat you’ve felt for so long when he couldn’t define the kind of love he feels for OW, and couldn’t come to terms with giving her up.

Relationship counselors advise that restoring trust can take 2-5 years, and that is when the the wayward partner completely cuts contact with OW/OM and is motivated to move mountains.

But the fact remains they work together, they have mutual friends, they will come into contact with each other, and I either have to accept that or be done with it

This is his manifesto for your marriage. If he were truly in pain and wanted you and only you above everything and everyone else it would read:

We work together, but I will go out of my way to minimise all contact at work and it will be purely work-based communication. Our mutual friends will decide if they want to follow us or stay with her. That's their choice but not my concern right now. It's us two and our two girls from now on. Nobody else matters.

@MsDogLady

Sazdun, the back/forth/up/down of processing infidelity and betrayal is normal and expected. You’re really digging in to examine your feelings and the relevant information, and that’s healthy.

Is OW talking shit? Well, she clearly lied about the extent of their relationship when she told you, “It stopped within weeks of it starting.” H had already admitted that during 2013-14 they flirted, kissed, sexted, and had oral sex. So, much longer than “weeks.” And if she was on the outs at the time with her boyfriend, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was partly due to her escalating closeness to H.

As for H, he has twice engineered a dual life with you and OW for his gratification, the first time in the shadows, and the next while hiding in plain sight and involving you and the children. You struggled with distress at their growing closeness, but manipulated yourself to accept it. It all seemed off to you, and you had no idea that the root of their intimacy was the affair they had years before. H validated the threat you’ve felt for so long when he couldn’t define the kind of love he feels for OW, and couldn’t come to terms with giving her up.

Relationship counselors advise that restoring trust can take 2-5 years, and that is when the the wayward partner completely cuts contact with OW/OM and is motivated to move mountains.

Spot on

It's normal to want life to go back to the way it was but it won't ever be the same again, doesn't mean life won't be better but it won't ever be the same