Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

I been checking this thread regularly hoping you're okay. I can't believe the betrayal it's so deep.

I honestly don't think you can get over it. He hasn't offered to even cut her out and even on her honey moon they are talking with such intimacy that she is who he turns to when in crisis when it should be you.

He's deluded and don't think it'll change as she's friends with your friends and he works with her. She won't be going anywhere and you've just been put in this situation.

I would let him help but leave plan to leave start a new somehow the little ones are young enough that you can start over. It be easier sooner rather than later.

Do you really want this for your life?
The person you share it with being someone you can't trust or who can't put you first.

I think any decision you can make right now will be hard. There's no easy way but try think long term.

What's probably less hard though is letting him stay but don't you think it's inevitable you are going to keep hurting from this? Really think about getting your ducks in a row as they say. Even if you don't leave you'll have stuff sorted so when you feel strong enough you can if you want to.

Don't you think he will just pick up with OW when the dust settles. That you will always have this come up in back of your mind?

Been there done that and it just eats away at you. Then it gets to the point that if you bring it up they'll get angry. Sure now he is doing the sorry act but that'll soon turn into frustration.

If you let him stay everyone in your circle will think that it's okay and it will be isolating for you. The elephant in the room will be this situation.

Sorry if that sounds harsh I really hope you can find peace whatever you decide to do.

Sazdun, could DD1’s nursery send her a bonnet that was made especially for her?

Well, Sazdun, you certainly would manage. You’re a fantastic mum and you know your girls so well. It would be a matter of organization, not expecting perfection, and setting up a workable co-parenting structure and support system. Anyway, this wasn’t a reliable test run, as you were physically/emotionally depleted by discovery trauma and all the sickness.

As for rebuilding trust and intimacy with OW out of the picture, you shouldn’t even consider that possibility until you regain your health and emotional equilibrium. So far, H hasn’t given you anything to work with re OW. She is still very much in the picture in her role as his security blanket and marital/parenting/social advisor. That is so messed up. Her continued presence in your lives in any form would sabotage any hope of reconciliation.

Sending get-well wishes to DD1 and DD2!

Hi Sazdun, I haven't commented on your thread previously and I hope you don't mind me jumping in now. I just wanted to say that I don't think you have to make any final decisions yet one way or another. You might want to consider couple's counselling, which would be useful either to navigate a split or explore whether you could get back together. There's no rush.

You might also want to check out Ester Perel's book "State of Affairs" for stories about her clients from her marriage counseling practice. Each story is unique -- it's not a book that prescribes a specific way of dealing with an affair. Rather, some couples were broken by them, some couples had to work hard to overcome them, and some couples were able to forge a stronger marriage than before. She emphasises the idea that if you do choose to try to move past an affair, that you need to think of your old marriage as being over, and that you're embarking on a new one, with the affair as part of its history. I found the exploration of how the different people came to understand their role in the affair and how it hurt their partner very helpful. Anyway, just thought I'd throw that out there. Best of luck to you, you seem like a strong, incredible woman and you'll get through this no matter what the future holds.

Have you even asked him to stop contact with the other woman? Sorry if I’ve missed that and he’s just contacting her anyway.

Hi OP. I stumbled on your thread during a bout of insomnia and just wanted to add my voice. (I've only read your comments and not all of the replies)

I've been through similar and it's one of the most awful feelings. I barely remember 3 months of my life when it first hit me because I was so traumatised by it all, as no doubt you are.

The feelings that such a seismic shift creates are impossible to explain to someone who's never been through it. And everything you thought you knew has changed.

There are so many on here I've read, who wouldn't tell the wife if they knew the H was cheating, before the wedding, but here are the very reasons why you should (imo). You weren't given the opportunity to make an informed decision and it has taken away your choice. I stupidly gave mine another chance and wish I hadn't as I could never get past the lack of trust.

However, it DOES get better. The pain stops hurting eventually.

Therapy is a good idea to help you process.

On the other hand you can make it work for you. Get the help, shared care etc and eventually you will feel ready to kick him out. So for now whilst it's easier to have him around, have him around. I don't see why you have to show him how you can manage. You will manage if you have to but whilst you don't, why do you need to?

No decision needs to be made in a hurry. Take your time

As for rebuilding trust and intimacy with OW out of the picture, you shouldn’t even consider that possibility until you regain your health and emotional equilibrium. So far, H hasn’t given you anything to work with re OW. She is still very much in the picture in her role as his security blanket and marital/parenting/social advisor. That is so messed up. Her continued presence in your lives in any form would sabotage any hope of reconciliation.

This. Very much this.

I think currently your DH wishes to carry on exactly as things are, reconcile with you and carry on being friends with her.

This is going to sound crazy, but is there any way that people might believe that you are lying about not knowing? It would make sense if they thought that you did actually know, and maybe sat on it in order to bide your time to ruin her marriage or something?
The reaction from everyone else in your friendship group is just so, so strange otherwise.

They are his kids too,either ill &/or recovering. Its absolutely fine for him to be there to help at this time.
He needs to realise its because he is a parent this is happening & not because he is forgiven.
It is frankly shocking he hasn't given you any reassurance, & acceptance that OW is no longer going to part of his life, that a "menage à 3" is NOT ON THE TABLE.
If he expects to return to family life he needs to simply Stop.
Maybe counseling would make it clear to the idiot.
Meanwhile being intimate is way down the line.

Beefcurtains, in my experience, most of the mutual friends involved will have put this out if their minds, not there business, not their problem, each to their own.
What goes on in other peoples relationships is not important.
They will talk about it fleetingly, then it will be what it will be. Basta

Can I just double check my understanding of what's going on here. ? The threads are both very long with OPs posts extremely rambling (I understand they were a stream of consciousness type scenario used as a form of processing ) however quite tricky to follow at times and I may have missed something.

The husband met 'OW' when the OP and he were still just engaged.
OW and DH formed a crush and ended up having Oral sex. ONCE.

OP and DH have been very very happily married for 8 years . Two children have been born.

DH and 'OW' have continued to work together and is become a family friend. There has been absolutely no physical intimacy between them since the OPs marriage.

The DH has had a crush on this woman for years. A crush he hasn't acted on. The woman doesn't feel the same and has in fact recently married someone else.

OP feels completely betrayed by (what many would consider , minor) transgression eight years ago. Despite that transgression never having been repeated since the marriage - OP feels like the whole marriage is built on lies . ?

Have I got that right ? If so then I think this is a massive over reaction and a whole pile of drama with huge consequences for the whole family.

You want to leave a 'fantastic marriage' to a man who loves you and to whom you love' for a one time mistake and a crush he has never acted on ... ? That sounds pretty much a one way thing anyway. I also doubt 'OW' is remotely interested now anyway. It's one thing to have an affair with someone whose partner you don't know/hardly know. (When this happened)
It's quite another to have one with the husband of a family friend. Takes a very particular personality to be ok with that.

Or have I missed a post where it turns out he has been shagging her for 8 years? In which case I take it back. - show him the door and get thee to a shit hot lawyer..

@secretsqizzle. Did you miss the bits where the Op's DH was so upset at the OW's wedding and admitted he couldn't explain his reaction? Or the fact that he lied to the OW and others that he had confessed to the sex act and that Op had forgiven him and OW. Op then married him and welcomed the OW into their lives with open arms based on the fact that she was completely ignorant of the depth of his feelings towards the OW and of the sex act that had taken place a few weeks before their wedding. He deliberately withheld that information from his bride to be, thereby depriving her of the choice of whether to marry or not and the choice of whether to befriend the the OW or not. The H maintained that lie to the OW and others for the whole of his marriage, keeping his wife completely in the dark whilst everyone else knew the truth. He also shows no desire to end his emotional dependency on the OW even when his marriage is under threat. Make no mistake, the H loves two women, only one of whom is his wife.

@secretsqizzle

OW and DH formed a crush and ended up having Oral sex. ONCE.

OW says it was over 'within a matter of weeks' which to me sounds like stuff happened on different occasions not just one time.

The DH has had a crush on this woman for years. A crush he hasn't acted on. The woman doesn't feel the same and has in fact recently married someone else.

He cried at her wedding and told OP his feelings for OW are confusing and that's why he got so upset.

Two very important bits of info I think.

And the friends all knew and thought the OP did, which she’s only just found out.

I think you've missed quite a bit there squizzle

The husband cheated, lied that OP knew and was fine with it, and then pursued a relationship with OW for eight years, confiding in her about marital and family issues, going away on work trips together (where she pretended to be his wife), brought her into OP's life and encouraged them to get close, let OW have access to his children, all while having these strong feelings of love towards her. OP had felt uneasy/insecure about their relationship for years, but both gaslighted her, saying that nothing was going on, it was all in her head. Her friends said nothing. Finally, OP's husband admitted that he loved OW, that he couldn't bear to lose her from his life, wrote a long letter about how much he loved her.

I appreciate it's a lot. It's a deep betrayal that goes back for a decade or more. It's not just a single infidelity (although this would be enough to break many marriages, and rightly so.)

@secretsqizzle has missed out what seems to be an ongoing emotional affair too.

The OP posts aren’t ‘rambling’ at all @secretsqizzle?
Why so keen to totally minimise, - if I didn’t know better I’d think OW had found the thread!

I did wonder if we were hearing from OW!

Or the disloyal, lying husband.
Stop making a fuss and brush it under the carpet like a good little girl OP! 🙄

@secretsqizzle I suppose we all have different boundaries and levels of what we’re prepared to accept. But I think most would consider OP’s response to be measured, balanced and dignified in the circumstances and not the “massive overreaction” that you suggest.

@secretsqizzle your brief summary, is the best case scenario and to be perfectly honest your thought if am I over reacting is one I had, have. Yes my posts are long and rambling, as you said yourself it is as much about processing. Other posters have probably more succinctly explained why I am in turmoil. My H firstly told me nothing ever happened, then told me they had, had oral sex. Had that been it then I possibly could have brushed myself down but it is a kick in the gut knowing it was so soon to our wedding. I still feel H isn't being 100% honest about how much they have done. The part that sticks is that they both went their seperate ways slightly after we first got married but H decided to instead embark on a friendship with OW. She is now fully ingrained in our lives becoming a friend of mine too. At no point has my H seemed willing to cut this friendship to save our marriage and family. If it is purely platonic what is it about their friendship he needs so badly? They have known each other for 8 years it isn't like we are talking about a friend from childhood. The other layer to this is that my H told my friends and OW I knew about their fling and was fine with it. He feels this was to protect me but as time goes on, I feel like protecting me wads secondary to getting her back in his life and protecting himself. I have been in a relationship with my H for over 15 years, never would I have believed him capable of doing any of this, so I am feeling very much like the I do not know someone I have spent a whole chunk of my life with and who I have children with. My H loves me and our kids, I don't doubt that but I don't want to share that love with someone and always be wondering. I feel like I am not the other woman in my marriage. That somehow this is his soul mate, even if it is not a romantic way. I thought this man was my best friend, to know I don't come anywhere near to her on that scale is just devastating to me. Added to this I didn't have the best example of a marriage/relationship growing up and my H is well aware of this and the issues it caused between myself and my parents and he still embarked on this knowing all that too. It has also highlighted that I have spent years sidelining my feelings as being stupid and appeasing my H to 'keep him, seem cool' which has all been for nothing, so this time round I am going through every feeling I have and flipflopping like crazy to make sure I put myself and my needs first. It is fucking terrifying because I don't think I ever really have.

Oh dear another long post.
If this is OW well now you know how I feel. If it is H, the awkward light bulb above the shower has blown. Fix it.

Your posts have been long, but not in a boring way. Your pain is palpable and it's clear you are processing.

Have OW and H been back at work together this week? How has that impacted on you?
And did you make a decision about the Easter egg hunt?