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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

921 replies

Sazdun · 27/03/2022 18:05

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

OP posts:
MarceyMc · 11/04/2022 13:36

@Beefcurtains79

Also, she knew you were going to read those messages.
Agreed. Felt like they were very staged tbh
AhNowTed · 11/04/2022 13:55

@GoodSoup

The last person he should be messaging for relationship advice, is her.

Absolutely. WTF.

GoodSoup · 11/04/2022 14:48

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

I wouldn't let your girls anywhere near that Easter egg hunt
Totally agree!
Moser85 · 11/04/2022 15:42

The OW is only concerned about herself and her position in the social group. If she was empathetic in any way she'd keep a low profile with your friends, at least for a while. But she's going out of her way to organise social events (while on honeymoon)

Op said the OWs husband seemed to be the one who got the ball rolling on the social event.

Rogue1001MNer · 11/04/2022 18:23

Op said the OWs husband seemed to be the one who got the ball rolling on the social event

At OW's behest?

Moser85 · 11/04/2022 18:36

@Rogue1001MNer

Who knows?
But i'm assuming her husband is part of the social circle too so he probably doesn't want to lose his friends either.

beastlyslumber · 11/04/2022 18:59

Nobody likes the husband, apparently. Maybe because it suits OW and the OP's H to have things that way. I imagine he isn't that comfortable in the group, either, having been told that everyone knows his wife had an affair with H and still has an intimate friendship, but he has to be okay with it because reasons.

OP, maybe the person it's worth talking to is actually OW's husband.

Beefcurtains79 · 12/04/2022 09:01

Seems strange that the OW new hubby is thinking about inviting a load of his new wife’s friends over to see his new pool table, on his honeymoon. These people who don’t really like him that much, but also all know that his new bride had been shagging her good friends partner just a few weeks before the wedding? Apart from OP every person in this tawdry situation is acting really, really oddly.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 12/04/2022 10:22

This friendship group sounds like Stepford Wives or Midwich Cuckoos. This is one of the reasons I don't get involved in large friendship groups with no other friends outside of it. It's creepy.

Ang69 · 12/04/2022 12:14

Sazdun, I have read both your threads and honestly I can't fathom how anyone involved in this can think it can be sorted out with a bit of time and talking. I don't really comment on relationship threads as I know there is always more going on than anyone can truly understand but after what I've read I had to say something.

Whether you choose to forgive your H or not is for you alone to decide. However, the response from him, OW and your friends is truly bizarre and way beyond normal, I really have no words. Your H is still obviously dependant on OW and as PP have said, she is marking her territory and putting herself in the victim position as much as you, likely to gain sympathy and support from your friends and also to keep her own DH happy. The only normal response has bizarrely been from OW's mum.

I know you must be desperate to get some normality back and to have that safe, secure feeling that you had before. However, you need to think in 20 years time when the kids are up and off to their own lives, will you regret not being number 1 in your relationship? Right now you're in joint position with someone else and have been for all of your marriage. This is even without the physical infidelity just before your marriage which is imho a deal breaker.

I wish you all the wisdom and strength in the world Sazdun to make the best choice for you, but remember, if you don't put yourself first then your kids will ultimately suffer so please make this about you for all your sakes.

Appleblum · 12/04/2022 14:12

Why is he still even messaging her at all? She's the last person he should be going to for advice.

I don't think I could live with this OP, that when our relationship is hanging by a thread my husband is still messaging the OW and relying on their friendship.

Mix56 · 12/04/2022 14:35

Has your wet lettuce of a husband even offered to withdraw from his addiction to OW, I mean even a tiny bit ?
Is he saying he will have the DC on Easter day --& thus trot off to the
E egg party asap?--

DwightShrutesgirlfriend · 12/04/2022 15:05

If you stay with your husband, this woman will clearly continue to be in your life (and especially in your husband's). You need to be sure you are ok with this when you make your decision.

Vanderpump · 12/04/2022 16:48

Why is he still in contact with her???? Their relationship has ruined yours and yet he still contacts her

Original poster
Sazdun · 12/04/2022 20:19

Thank you everyone for taking the time to offer advice, perspectives etc. I am just finding it so overwhelming and still not sure what to this or even how to feel as the dust settles.
H has left to stay at my mum's. DD2 just is not sleeping for longer than 2-3 hours at a time and I am exhausted.

OP posts:
Vanderpump · 12/04/2022 20:44

Take your time, there is no need to make any decisions. It's so hard, you just feel as if you want to turn your brain off and your mind will be changing every five minutes . Just breathe for a while and let it all sit

kaleidoscope123 · 12/04/2022 23:52

Covid takes it out of you at the best of times never mind when you also have small kids to look after, rest up and don’t feel like you need to make any decisions now or provide anyone (husband) with any meaningful response! Once you are stronger we are all here to help you (even if you just need a place to rant) and you are then in more of a fit state to process and make any necessary decisions.

beastlyslumber · 13/04/2022 07:06

Sorry Sazdun. It's a horrible thing to go through, and covid on top makes everything worse. Not surprised to hear you're exhausted.

Like pp said, there's no rush to do anything. Your husband is away so take the time to huddle with your girls, watch films and do gentle, family things while your mind and body heal. Take all the time you need and don't be rushed by anyone.

We are all so angry on your behalf but that doesn't mean you have to do what we think either! You are the one living this. Sending strength and love Flowers

Mix56 · 13/04/2022 08:17

I wouldn't want him living with my mother to be honest. Its too comfortable, she will cook & clean after him, he needs to feel the glacial reality of being cut off from his habitual cosy indulgent life
I hope she is not making gentle platitudes about, "letting the waters settle", & you will come around.
Does she know he was courting & shagging OW right up to wedding day?
Fine Catholic behaviour

Rogue1001MNer · 13/04/2022 08:28

Her mum's away @Mix56

Mix56 · 13/04/2022 08:52

Ah, I forgot. Sorry

MrsPerfect12 · 13/04/2022 22:19

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. It's one thing moving on with your husband but I don't know how the friend group moves forward. I couldn't be in her company again and probably have to leave that friend group. It's just awful that this is so entangled. Flowers

MsDogLady · 13/04/2022 22:55

Thinking of you, Sazdun. It’s no wonder that you’re totally wiped out. I hope DD2 is doing better, and that you’re getting some much needed rest. Chilling with your girls and pup is just what the doctor ordered.🌻

Original poster
Sazdun · 14/04/2022 01:49

Thanks everyone DD1 now has covid and it seems DD2 has croup straight after covid.she has just been so miserable and DD1 is just very clingy and upset that she is missing making bonnets at nursery but then annoyed when i suggested making bonnets here. Can't win and I was so snappy with her, even though she is only 5 and ill. Feel so guilty as I barely saw her last week and then was away the weekend before and just not been my best self with her. So after two days at my mum's house H is back again. Phoned to see how the girls were, asked how I was getting on and I burst into tears. Fuck sake. He just turned up at the house two hours later. Part of me desperately wants to show I can manage without him but I was so relieved to see him. I have so much respect for single mums. Two days and I was a bloody wreck. I know recovering from Covid with two sick kids is not the best situation to be working with but if I was back at work I would have been screwed. It is at moments like this I think, we can move on from this but he can't spend the rest of his life bunking with my daughter and I just want an easy life.
Even in an ideal world with OW out the picture how do you rebuild that trust and intimacy again? All I can picture is them together the moment I try to think of him even lying beside me in bed. Drank way too much coffee today and now so tired but can't sleep. Typical so instead I have all this going round in my head

OP posts:
Moser85 · 14/04/2022 02:17

Even in an ideal world with OW out the picture how do you rebuild that trust and intimacy again?

I don't think very many people can. But he hasn't said she'll be out of the picture...and I'm not saying that to be hurtful or upset you, but because you're thinking of the possibility of being back together and said It is at moments like this I think, we can move on from this but he still has not said he'll do the most basic thing that cheaters have to do and that's cut contact with the other person.

More than 2 weeks later and he still hasn't said that. Someone who was desperate to fix things would have said that by now.

You're at risk of getting even more hurt by entertaining the possibility of getting back together while he still won't give her up.