Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

Those messages are so intimate. Like they have talked over every aspect of your relationship together. Yet neither of them seem to have a clue that they have caused this, and that, in fact, the worst thing they can do is be talking this out together.

The only message that should have gone between them was the one saying they will never be in touch again.

Don't take him back sazdun. He has made more effort to honestly communicate with OW than he has with you. He loves her, and will do whatever she tells him.

Can't believe she was deciding between making a new group and cutting you out, or inviting you along to her party with everyone else. Wtf is wrong with these people?

She doesn't come across as a bad person on those messages, but a couple of things come across to me from them

• he's completely reliant on her, and as pp say, is waiting on her to tell him what to do
• she doesn't want to lose the friendship group and doesn't think she should
• if she ever felt any guilt for having a sexual thing with another woman's fiancé, she's waaaaaaaay over it

Each of those conversations was started by your H, never her. He just can't stop contacting her can he?

Had to come back and post again as can't get ot out of my head.

OW feels NO guilt, NO responsibility, NO culpability in her role in this.

She's squarely blaming him.

And whilst I wholeheartedly think he is without any doubt the main causer of harm, she has minimised her own role to the point (where in her eyes) she's done nothing wrong at all.

And hardly back from honeymoon and already organising 2 group social events.
She's marking/defending her territory (the friendship groups).
She's NOT stepping back, she's actually working damn hard

@Rogue1001MNer that's it she isn't to a point. From conversations with friend last weekend. Everyone else has had years Inc OW to rationalise and process this. Part of what I found so hard was the lack of anger at H and OW. Lots of anger for H not telling me though. So almost like there has been a conscious effort to rally behind me and to an extent her too as she has been part of this friendship group now for a number of years. Based on chats with BF it seems she was discouraged from bringing it up with me and to let things be unless I brought it up. The generosity I do think that has been her way of massaging her guilt. Her H has also been in a fight with my H once on a stag do. Apparently he was told by BF H ( my H cousin) that everyone else Inc. Me knows and he has to move on as we have all accepted it. I feel the blame has to sit with my H in this. Friends between rock and hard place as others have said and OW has not wanted to rock the boat with me. Clearly she now views friends as being as much her friends as mine and I feel that they think the same. It isn't a case of being disloyal but she isn't going anywhere in that group and I don't think due to H's lies she should. He needs to be the one to fix this like OW but I have no idea how he can.

Ironically the Easter egg hunt was meant to be at mine this year but with building work still ongoing I asked her to do it at hers. Not realising she would just be back and she said yes. She has clearly asked someone else to do it. The lunch post wedding was always due to happen although it seems more like her H got the ball rolling on it. Perhaps I am being naive but I don't think she is trying to mastermind anything or claim territory. She just has had time to process this as had everyone else and they are carrying on as always. I am in two minds as to how to deal with her. Part of me wants to ask her to step back and see if she does with out running to my h or other friends. At the same time I don't want to grenade everyone else's life because of H. He is the one to blame in this.

I can't see a way forward then, unless you mentally get to the point your DH hoped you be at and your friends believed you to be at also.

I know if it was me, I wouldn't be able to sit at the same table/share a drink/chat with OW ever again, and if my friends expected me to, I'd have to take a massive step back.

I feel that you are almost being blackmailed/ghosted by the whole group in order for THEM to have it easier/more comfortable

And that is awful. Sending so much strength to you. Keep your dignity. You've done so well so far. If it were me, I'd be making sure all my group were fully aware that you should never be expected to encounter her socially again.

Sorry. X post

I don't think she is trying to mastermind anything or claim territory
I do

He is the one to blame in this.
Agree. But she's culpable too. She also had a role to play and she wants to deflect all any any consequences away from herself. And I think that's despicable

Sorry, just read that back and I sound woman-hating. I'm not.

He is far, far worse. But he stands to lose far, far more (you, his marriage, his life) . As is right.

I absolutely don't hate women, but I hate anyone who doesn't accept responsibility for their actions and behaviour and this is what she seems to be doing

@Rogue1001MNer no apology needed, you are being great offering other perspectives. I'm just so tired of being angry and thinking and then re thinking again. Last week being so tired was great as I just zoned out from it all. Think just reading their messages has me feeling back at square one again not knowing what to think or feel. Thanks for taking the time to reply though.

It sounds like she thought you knew, that H has lied to everyone including her.

She has spent years believing she and H were already forgiven by you and despite that you welcomed her into the group.

I think she is so bloody naive to not see how he is still so into her.

I think H Catholicism is at play too, to be the loyal good husband and family man 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Sazdun I don't generally post telling posters what they should do, so no "LTB" from me.
But I feel for you and I hope you make the right decisions for you and your children.
And you should take all the time you need to decide.
And also remember, you can change your mind as often as you like.

You need to put yourself first. Something your husband has spectacularly failed to do

OP you are really very kind to have any empathy for OW at all. I think she is still crossing a line with your husband. I can understand to an extent that she doesn't feel she needs to cut off other friendships, but she is still entertaining your husband, talking to him in an intimate way, giving him advice, using nicknames, offering to let him stay etc. Her response to his message should have been to completely ignore.

The fact they've all been discussing it behind your back for years would make me feel insane.

The reason their messages has put you back to square one is because their relationship is still what it always was (minus the physical side) and it's not okay. They're not taking any responsibility, they're still gaslighting you, they're still expecting you to get over it and make everything okay for everyone again.

Did the whole first contact situation between them arise because he didn't tell her that he had a girlfriend he was engaged to? If that's the case, that's what I would be focused on- he spent time setting the scene to be unfaithful before you were even married, and lied about it for all these years.

Why can he not see how inappropriate it is for him to discuss your marriage with the woman he cheated on you with? Why can neither of them see that? They are too close. He has other friends he can talk to if needed, seeing as everyone else already knew about it long ago.

I'm not sure what planet your H lives on that he still thinks it's ok to repeatedly contact OW. I mean FFS he's being a self absorbed naval gazing idiot.

I read through your first thread and now this one and my opinion on him has only become stronger: what a wet lettuce. How spineless do you have to be to be spoon fed, by the OW no less, in this manner? Are his critical thinking skills normally this non-existent? I appreciate that when you have children the decision is not a simple one but I'm sat here open mouthed at his messages, I simply cannot believe that someone could be so utterly vacant. Irrespective of whether your relationship has a future he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet.

She is just seems to love the intrigue
She must never come into your home again, she probably has gifts for dc. You need to refuse them.
Do not go to the Easter egg hunt.
You need to send a signal to her, that she has lapped up attention from her gormless secret admirer for years, inveigled herself into your life, your friendship group.
Well now she can fuck off.

From that exchange you've posted it's clear he's pestering her. It's pathetic

He needs to leave her alone

She obviously pities him (and not in a nice way). I suspect she wants you to get back with him so she can readjust her halo which slipped when all this came out

I think Rogue1001MNer has it spot on.

Of course the OW is as culpable as DH. She knew exactly what she was and still is doing. I don't get it on MN why the OW often has a get out of jail free card. It's insulting to women to assume that they're so naive that they don't understand actions usually have consequences. They're not silly, most of the time they know perfectly well what they're doing.

It's clear that neither of them think they deserve the fallout.
She sees herself as a victim.
And he's listening to her nonsense.
He should have blocked her when this all came out.

Had a long inpromptu talk with H at 4am. Not taking back for time being, want him to have a taste of what it is like not being with us and for me to see how I manage.

You're mad to even consider taking him back (in future). He hasn't said he is going to cut her out as a friend. There is no suggestion that he is going to at all. What if you get to a point where you do want him back months from now and he still won't give up the friendship, then you will get hurt AGAIN!

Also realistically if he gives her up it will be you and him that have to leave the friendship group or stop going to the group events etc. if you don't want to be around her or don't want him to be around her....they're not going to cut her out and it wouldn't be fair on her to be cut out for your husbands sake!

Very little contact is still contact. And there’s still a lot of naval gazing going on.

@GoodSoup

Very little contact is still contact. And there’s still a lot of naval gazing going on.

Yes AND she's on her honeymoon so couldn't be sitting there messaging the OPs husband all the time while she's with her husband!

If she wasn't away on honeymoon then I wonder what level of contact he would have had with her. They work together don't they?? He probably would have been talking to her all the time.

I probably shouldn't be posting again, but I can't get your pain out of my head @Sazdun

And I can't help mentally going back to OW's comments to your H....

Be honest with everyone and deal with the repercussions
In this comment, she takes herself out of the equation entirely. Agree it's him to has to work to try and make things right. But she has apologies to make too. She's disassociating herself from the situation and any repercussions.

All the friends you lied to, including me, we will call you a dick but ultimately want you both to work this out and we will be here and be fine in the long run.
With this comment, to me, she demonstrates her expectation that things will return to normal.

Presumed you wouldn't be. [OW's H] invited [3 mutual friends] round to have a games afternoon with his new pool table/air hockey thing. Felt a bit rude not inviting the others so just put it on group chat as to create another group and miss you two out seemed like I was making a statement when I wasn't
But this comment is what really gets to me. While still on her honeymoon, she's manipulating the situation. She's engineering social situations with others and putting herself within the group. To me she's sending you a message "deal with this, get with the programme, or YOU lose out"
She's considering setting up WA group with YOUR friends and not you.

You ask if you should/you are considering asking her to step back.
In my view, no. You would be unreasonable to do this, imho. This isn't something we have the right to ask others, i don't think. And anyway, she's already proved where her loyalties lie. (With herself and herself alone). If you did ask and she told friends, I think they'd understand why, but they'd consider you unreasonable.
In your shoes, I would NOT be attending, and I'd probably keep my dc away too (you can organise for a different Easter egg hunt).
And whilst not slagging OW off, I would be making small pointed comments to my friends.

• she's moving fast, isn't she?
• she's not ACTUALLY expecting me to go, is she?
• does she really think everything's normal? My world has imploded! (This one is my personal favourite)

If I were one of your friends, one more periphery to the situation, I would be feeling HORRENDOUS for you, and v v v keen to do right by you now.

One last thing. IF you decide to keep your H and work on your marriage, then you have to accept she'll be in your life and friendship group. You can't keep him and bin her. Unless your H chooses this (eg, gets another job!!! Tells her to keep away)