Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

Glad you have had a nice weekend but sorry to hear about Covid. Does it feel odd for DH to be back in the house? How do you feel about OW’s imminent return? Out of interest has she tried to contact you?

@Sazdun take care

I hope you both feel better soon. Will you ask dh to move out again once you're better

Don't allow him to slink his way back in under the guise of being Florence Nightingale. Feel better soon, too.

How are you feeling, OP? Don't let him get his feet under the table again. I bet he'll try to play it off like he's back and you're back to normal, and treat it like YOU just had a little blip. Don't let him gaslight you.

Thinking of you and the Baby, Sazdun, and I hope DD1 and H haven’t come down with it.

I agree with others that H may attempt to slide back in to ‘business as usual’ without making the iron-clad changes that you require.

That text from your husband is something else. Among everything, in spite of how he's fucked up...I can't believe he very clearly STILL wants his dear friend OW in his life.

I've just read all your posts and your friends thought you knew, because your husband lied to them and its not for them to question why you'd still marry him knowing that.

Have you asked him how he woupd feel if you cheated before you got married, then hid it from you and went on to bring the man close to your family...looking after your kids and everything he's done? He cannot say he'd be happy that the man you slept with was spending time with your kids and was now enmeshed with your family.

The problem is, he's so deep with his feelings for her, that he can't see clearly.

Because I don't think he gets it. He doesn't get how massive a betrayal that part actually is. I do think counselling, if and when you're ready will help and I know you've mentioned the loan, but as long she continues working with her, you will not begin to heal from this betrayal.

Him making her a friend and bringing her close to you and your family, was incredibly disrespectful and it's very disappointing he doesn't grasp the extent of how bad that is.

A good therapist will be very clear that any attempt to reconcile, begins with totally cutting her out of your lives.

Just read both your threads from start to finish I'm just in shock. Hope you're doing okay.

Thanks for all the best wishes. Still bloody positive.DD2 is now neg though so she has been booted out for the morning to get some fresh air in the park. Had virtually no contact with H aside from dumping my dirty clothes and plates outside the door and dirty nappies Interesting that DD1 is having to direct him to where stuff is kept, really made me realise when I asked him to do housework around the house I left the hoover detergent etc out. Fair amount of DD1 keeping him on his toes, almost spat my tea out this morning when she told him she was sick of being told to do everything when he asked her to help him carry something down the stairs. She has been very cheeky with him. Hard because I quite enjoy her giving him shit but at the same time can't condone her being cheeky and rude like that to anyone. Got me thinking if your parenting style changes if you split. Would have given her a row for speaking to either of us like that normally but just left him to deal with it. Though broke my heart when she started crying the other day asking for me and I said I couldn't give her hug and she didn't want to go to H.
I would be very surprised if H has had much time to think of let alone contact OW. She is due back this weekend though. She has texted to say if I want to talk to her to get in touch but she is leaving us to sort things out. Has however sent a message to the group chat of all the couples organising going to hers for a Saturday lunch mid May with a few of them already saying they would go so not sure what to make of that. To be honest, being pretty wiped with COVID though has done wonders for not over thinking. Although we will need to figure out living situation ASAP. My mum has offered to let him stay at hers while she is away however that is still hour and a half away (which makes childcare etc awkward and will cost a fair bit in petrol every week) and on the condition he does all the odd jobs she needs done. Have to hand it to my mother she does nothing for free.

Oh bloody hell @Sazdun Covid really is the icing on the cake for you.

I've read both your threads and you've had some wonderful advice and support here.

As for the parenting in a different way once separated- yes, that will happen. If you can afford it, family therapy is a great way to go. You can do it by yourself, bring all the issues there and you don't need to have everyone in a room together every week, you can often direct it the way you want and need at the time. In my experience, you can take a topic to chat through and resolve. It can help so much, any experienced and decent family therapist will have seen everything and more that you're going through.

For the moment stay selfish, stay hydrated and get better.

So sorry op. It must feel like she’s stolen so many parts of your life. But it really is only because of your ‘d’h that she was able to. He is sickening. Not just for the initial betrayal (although bad enough) but to force you to have her in your life while everyone knew but you?!

Wow, Sazdun the cheek of OW, messaging the group chat and inviting all your friends!!! wtf. She obviously has no intention of fading out of your life. I'm not surprised you've come down with the covid; the anger I feel at the way these people have treated you must be damaging my immune system!

Hoping you are better soon, that you kick your husband out and find some new friends who treat you better!

Yes, I agree that this is all because of your husband and the situation he engineered. But OW is awful, too. They have both treated you so badly.

I imagine it must hurt to see your friends will still continue to socialise with her.
I assume you won't be going.

A dignified silence from you on that group will speak volumes!

It might be tempting to just let him continue staying at home, but all you'll get is a very short period of him "trying" before he moves into the "are you still going on about that?" phase, and you'll wish you had got rid of him now.
I hope you recover from covid soon.

A dignified silence is good, but a raised-eyebrow emoji might be even better!

He should be looking for a permanent solution re residence.
If he cant stay in his cousins place, he will have to rent somewhere else.
I hope OW doesnt offer a sofa. If she does I am happy to coms & kneecap her not sure her new husband is going to like it !

situ with the other couples - I had two friends who had extra marital affairs and I didn't ditch them. However I wasn't particularly good friends with their spouse so didn't owe loyalty. If I knew both I would probably take sides. Reason being we would have had conversations about our morals in relation to other situations etc and this would go against my moral fibres and would make me question if I ever really knew them..... so I think think you're so called friends we're just that ..... so called

As you've said money is right he really needs to be working full time, not part-time. I know you said him working part time will help save money on childcare when you go back to work, but surely he should be earning as much as possible while you are on maternity leave. I've never known a man (irl) working part time when he has two DC and a wife on ML to support. He really is a bit of a joke.

Sorry, that should read "as money is tight".

And yes I agree that the OW is a brazen, shameless hussy (hoiks up bosom).

Sounds like the OW just wants this to blow over and wants a chance to say more rubbish to everyone to save face knowing full well you won't be going. She's just as bad as him.

These things never go to plan. DD2 would not sleep last night and eventually had to come out my COVID cave to settle her as H was having no luck. Had a long inpromptu talk with H at 4am. Not taking back for time being, want him to have a taste of what it is like not being with us and for me to see how I manage. He is going to my mums. Asked where it stood with OW.
He is adament that they have had very little contact. I asked to have his phone there and then and would seem there have been only a few messages between them since it all came out. Looked suprised but did it at least. Took his phone back to cave and went through it for a while, no emails or calls either. He uses a messaging app which shows if the message has been deleted. This is all I could find.

H:

[Me] has thrown me out. I can't describe how much I hurt her. I have messed it up so badly. I'm sorry to you too. So angry at myself, I didn't mean to hurt anyone. Don't know how to fix this. I can't lose them.

OW:

You surely knew that was going to happen. Throwing a pity party for yourself isn't going to achieve anything. You have fucked up on so many levels. Ofcourse I am angry with you but I am even more angry with how you have treated [me]. Stop lying right now and thinking you are protecting people or have been because it is going to leave you with nothing and the people who you want to protect will no longer be there to protect. Be honest with everyone and deal with the repercussions. Imagine she had done that to you with [uni friend who i dated for about 3 weeks when 19 but is a friend of OW ] and then kept being his friend. You would be raging and punch the guys lights out and probably not trust her again. All the friends you lied to, including me, we will call you a dick but ultimately want you both to work this out and we will be here and be fine in the long run. The same cannot be said for your [Me DD1 , DD2]. Your first priority is [me , DD1 and DD2]. If I was her I wouldn't trust one word you were saying and be presuming the worst about us. So not only have you ruined your relationship with her, you have made our friendship look to be something entirely else for the past 6 years. Reassure her for Christ's sake and do whatever she needs you to do to fix this. Like I said before if you need somewhere to crash and have nowhere else to go, the house is there but no one else can make this better or fix it.

H:
You are right. Sorry.

H:
How are you both? Just to let you know before you are back that i have not stayed at your place. [Me and DD2] have had covid so back at house. [Me] doesn't want to have much to do with me not sure if that is due to what is going on or being ill and staying away. Hate it like a totally different person and nothing I am saying or doing is helping.

OW:
Oh dear hope they are both doing okay and you two don't catch it. Thanks for letting me know. FIgured as much when nosy neighbour didn't text about lights on at night. You need to give her time and she had been unwell, just be present and patient and help her you are after [the dog] on the priority list right now.

H:
How are you? Saw group chat. We won't be coming round for lunch. I don't know if you two have been in touch but think it isn't likely she is going to be wanting to have lunch with everyone so soon.

OW:
Hardly surprising. Presumed you wouldn't be. [OW's H] invited [3 mutual friends] round to have a games afternoon with his new pool table/air hockey thing. Felt a bit rude not inviting the others so just put it on group chat as to create another group and miss you two out seemed like I was making a statement when I wasn't. Hope you guys are making progress.

H:
I've created a mess. Sorry. Progress is still next to zero.

OW:
Marathon not a sprint Blanche and it is on you to fix it. Don't have [me] do the heavy lifting here, you make the compromises, you make it easy for her to talk to you and everything she is feeling is valid, even in your mind you might disagree. Do what she asks, wait when she tells you to and don't expect it to all be magically fixed with some sorrys. She hates me right now ofcourse so she has hardly been phoning up for chats while I'm on my honeymoon. I have told her I am here whenever or if she wants to talk but she probably thinks I am some crazy bitch who has been lying to her all this time. Thanks for that! Before all this blew up I had said I would do an Easter egg hunt at mine this weekend. [A friend of ours] has said she will do it instead, maybe leave the girls over there for the afternoon and the two of you can go out or stay in, whatever but have time to actually sit down and talk if [me] is feeling better.

H: Okay thanks I'll message her. Again I'm sorry.

Reading between the lines it seems she isn't into him romantically and whatever he felt was only brought to the surface at the wedding.
When it comes down it though it was HIM who knew he hadn't told me and brought her back in. He didn't give me an out before our wedding and now if I choose 'out' the situation is ten times worse than it would have been if the wedding had not gone ahead. That is the crux of it.
I don't even feel anger towards her but like I said at the beginning my H still loves another woman. It doesn't matter if it was just friendship, he loves this person enough to bring her back into our lives when she was out of it. To that end, I was not enough for him, I could not give him what he needed and I think that will stick and be the thorn in my side.

Having experienced sth a little similar to this with my exh, I'd say that he's emotionally enmeshed with her to the point that he needs her to spell out the bleeding obvious about your emotions. Damn shame he couldn't have worked all that out by himself.

I'm pleased that it looks like they haven't been involved sexually or romantically for a long time, but the basis of their relationship and it's link to your joint lives is a lie, and he's clearly very dependent on her.

OW is right, it's his mess to sort out and she should be bowing out and saying she's not going to message him or contact him for the foreseeable.

So sorry you’re feeling poorly OP. Hope you feel letter soon. Shame he seems so invested in her that he needs her to tell him what to do about your relationship. Instead of talking to you.
I don’t see how your relationship can survive with her still in his life, this close.