Sazdun, I hope you enjoyed your weekend with your friend. I’ve found that when I’ve needed to process difficult problems, distancing myself for a while has helped bring more clarity.
Here are some further thoughts about your situation:
Of the various definitions of infidelity I have come across in my readings, this one resonates: Infidelity is the breaking of trust when intimate, meaningful secrets are kept from one’s primary romantic partner. The lie violates and destabilizes the relationship, and distance is created. Sazdun, for years you’ve felt jarred and marginalized by H and OW’s closeness, and you didn’t even know about the physical infidelity.
In emotional affairs, the Cheater will staunchly downplay his/her over-investment and
over-reliance on the affair partner. H’s last letter is a masterpiece of this tactic.
H claims that the idea of his placing OW above you is nonsense, yet he clearly elevated her, while humiliating you, when he embraced her into the family. His passion for their dynamic overrode his transparency and loyalty to you. And it sounds like OW has matched his enthusiasm.
He minimizes his pre-wedding cheating as “fooling around” when there was clearly more to it. It was an exciting adventure he felt compelled to explore, despite your engagement, and was the beginning of their current deep connection. Years later he told you they pretended to be married on a work trip to repel an admirer, but what he didn’t tell you was they had once actually considered being together. They likely got an illicit buzz on that work trip, and many other times as well.
No matter how he spins it, his and OW’s ‘friendship’ is not a safe one. H feels entitled to enjoy the love and affection of 2 women, and that has harmed you and fractured your marriage.
Have there been any further developments? Has H finally put you first by definitively severing his relationship with OW?