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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

921 replies

Sazdun · 27/03/2022 18:05

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sazdun · 30/03/2022 17:30

@CheshireCats thanks.
DD1 and DD2 make me think of my old Citron DS1. Oldest would love she is no.1 always wants to know if she is the best and fastest.

OP posts:
Marshy86 · 30/03/2022 17:32

Hey Op, just been catching up with your thread.

Do you think it's worth asking H what changes he thinks need to be made to make your marriage work? So your not spelling it out for him but it will make him think about changes ?

Number4224 · 30/03/2022 17:34

Just read the whole thread. I’m so sorry op.

I really do think your marriage is over, how could you possibly ever trust him again? He has continually lied to you for the entirety of your marriage, not only that but everyone else knew about it and he lied to them that you already knew. I don’t think I could ever believe another word he said.

By the way he speaks about OW, he is never going to cut contact and if you stay with him you’ll never feel comfort, even when if he says he’ll no longer see her, could you truly believe him? He’s lied continuously for 8 years, it come so easy to him.
You sound so lovely, you really will thrive once you get rid and come out the other side.

MsDogLady · 30/03/2022 17:37

I think his staying with the girls at your friends’ is the best idea.

Eightiesfan · 30/03/2022 17:38

[quote Sazdun]@beastlyslumber the only other solution I thought of is asking friend if girls and OH could stay at hers. H can see his cousin and friends youngest is same age as D so they will keep each other occupied. Is it a but cheeky though asking for all three of them to stay? Only thing is baby daughter screams blue murder when you first stick her in travel cot.[/quote]
Is there an option of him staying at his cousins flat - I think you mentioned that was where he had been staying, although I might have got this wrong. But even though you think it’s a bit cheeky, I would ask your friend, she’ll be away with you, so she probably won’t care 😁

In your shoes I would not want him back in the family home unless there was absolutely no other safe alternative.

Ocsetldil · 30/03/2022 17:40

Why can’t DH go and stay with his mum?

cooldarkroom · 30/03/2022 17:42

I reported the trolls too !

Mix56 · 30/03/2022 17:43

Why cant he take girls to the flat he decided to slink off to ?

Hallmark1234 · 30/03/2022 17:55

I think you should let him stay at your house, as it will be a stark reminder of what he could lose, especially when you come back from your weekend away and he has to leave to go back to his lonely flat!

I would also spend several days drafting a reply to him, based on some of the excellent advice you've had on this thread and send it to him after the weekend, as I think it will really hit home to him then exactly what's he done to you and your family.

Fwiw I also went through a huge upset with my OH c.8 years ago (his mid life crisis). I wrote him a letter detailing how upset I was and how I couldn't understand his actions. He sent me a reply, saying all the right things, but also cleverly twisting his awful actions and subtlely making it my fault. It's taken this thread for me to fully understand that!

Original poster
Sazdun · 30/03/2022 18:04

The flat DH is at now is his cousin's short term let but he needs in back as has bookings for it. OW oh so kindly offered her place while she is on honeymoon to either of us if we need it! But funnily enough not an option, I'm sure it was either today or tomorrow he needs it back from. MIL is too far away. Not got a lot of options, a few nights in a bnb etc will quickly take all his money. We set ourselves really tight budgets so after income is paid into joint account only a small goes into our own accounts for own spending

OP posts:
Mix56 · 30/03/2022 18:06

Dont let him move back in, he can sofa surf. Let him feel the discomfort,
You've been uncomfortable for years.
Bastard

kaleidoscope123 · 30/03/2022 18:11

@Sazdun

The flat DH is at now is his cousin's short term let but he needs in back as has bookings for it. OW oh so kindly offered her place while she is on honeymoon to either of us if we need it! But funnily enough not an option, I'm sure it was either today or tomorrow he needs it back from. MIL is too far away. Not got a lot of options, a few nights in a bnb etc will quickly take all his money. We set ourselves really tight budgets so after income is paid into joint account only a small goes into our own accounts for own spending
I’m sure he can up his hours at work to pay for his new accommodation!
MsDogLady · 30/03/2022 18:13

It’s not cheeky to ask if all 3 can stay at your friends’. They will be happy to give this support.

friendlycat · 30/03/2022 18:26

It's good that you are getting a break with your friend one to one at the weekend. A change of scenery, without the interruptions from your girls, and the chance to talk things through with your friend.

beastlyslumber · 30/03/2022 18:33

Don't let him move back into the house! If that happens, it can only be on your terms because you've decided you're okay with the situation. If you let him move back in, he'll take that as you saying it's all okay already.

RandomMess · 30/03/2022 19:06

Hmmm let him have the sofa or share with one of the DC, oh and only if he understands he goes no contact with OW.

Original poster
Sazdun · 30/03/2022 19:23

That's it sorted. H is going to cousins with girls. I'm off to Whitby to get pissed, we have decided to make a weekend of it as it means H can stay there the weekend.

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 30/03/2022 19:48

I'd stick a bottle of his whiskey in your bag

Mix56 · 30/03/2022 19:53

Well, take Time Out,, Do not read his missives & pity party drivel.
The DD will be fine, I hope baby keeps his entitled arse up all night

Honeyroar · 30/03/2022 19:54

@Redshoeblueshoe

I'd stick a bottle of his whiskey in your bag
🤣🤣
Original poster
Sazdun · 30/03/2022 19:59

He used to get quite miffed when his cousin would come over and drink the most expensive ones and pour a big measure or three for himself. Very tempted when I drop the girls off to take a few of his most expensive bottles to said cousin to say thank you for taking them all. Cousin doesn't particularly deserve them but might send a message.

OP posts:
sabretoothtigger · 30/03/2022 20:02

🤣 Yes!! Sounds like a lovely thank you..

ReallyIsThatIt · 30/03/2022 20:43

Grin Absolutely! What a thoughtful thank you gift

kaleidoscope123 · 30/03/2022 20:50

@Sazdun

That's it sorted. H is going to cousins with girls. I'm off to Whitby to get pissed, we have decided to make a weekend of it as it means H can stay there the weekend.
That’s great news. Hide your phone when your drunk so you don’t send any emotional texts to him. I am guilt of this but perhaps others don’t get as emotional / angry as I do when under the influence!
Dipsydoodlenoodle · 30/03/2022 21:29

I think that is a great idea Grin

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