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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

921 replies

Sazdun · 27/03/2022 18:05

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

OP posts:
Hertsgirl10 · 30/03/2022 16:32

[quote Sazdun]@Hertsgirl10
Not sure how you think she is not the OW although H thinks not.
I don't intend to have a relationship with her parents. I simply said they were nice people who have been very helpful at stepping in as they live nearby and are retired.
My replies and responses are granted rambling as half the time they are a train of thought, typed quickly as is likely seen by the 100s of typos.
Now if you have nothing helpful to add please just go away.[/quote]
Usually the OW is the person who DH is having an affair with, they did something 8 years ago? That’s not an 8 year long affair, yes you’ve just found out about it and i’d he pissed off too but it’s not been a full on affair (apparently)

It seems like the very many people that questioned any of this got the same response…
Perhaps we’ve all been on MN for too long and noticed the same thing.

Original poster
Sazdun · 30/03/2022 16:34

@Redshoeblueshoe we did thanks. She loves the ducks and doggies. Lots of ooos and pointing at things she likes. She now smiles and waves at people which inevitability leads to way more conversations with people. Way colder today though half though she would fall asleep but by the 8th lap round she just sat there deadpan wee expression on her face. Even when people said hello to her she was shooting them evils lol. Honestly their facial expressions at that age crack me up.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 30/03/2022 16:34

I agree, OP, step back from the word salad. He is very manipulative and is just trying to tie you up in knots and make you doubt yourself. Yes, have a look at the chumplady website and see if anything resonates.

And ignore stupid people on here!

Mix56 · 30/03/2022 16:36

Speaking of the DC, has your H suggested seeing them at all ?
Surely he should offer to have them & give you a break,
You know look after his "girls"

beastlyslumber · 30/03/2022 16:36

Oh ffs @Hertsgirl10 someone reported the original post, MN checked it out, said all was fine.

So that's that. Why don't you go and harrass someone else now.

sabretoothtigger · 30/03/2022 16:44

Yay for ducks, doggies, and evil stares Grin

And yes to ignoring people on here if they have nothing helpful or kind to say to you.

doggydaydream · 30/03/2022 16:46

This reply has been deleted

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Hertsgirl10 · 30/03/2022 16:46

@beastlyslumber

Oh ffs *@Hertsgirl10* someone reported the original post, MN checked it out, said all was fine.

So that's that. Why don't you go and harrass someone else now.

@beastlyslumber

Harass? Calm down I was replying to the person that @ me.

Hertsgirl10 · 30/03/2022 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted as it quotes a deleted post.

Original poster
Sazdun · 30/03/2022 16:48

@Hertsgirl10 this is the last time I am responding to you.
She has been shortened to OW by me on the basis that seems to be the short hand on MN for the woman in your H's life who has taken his attention. You said other people have questioned my use of this term to describe her but they have not. So it seems you are purposefully trying to cultivate something that does not exist. I initially called her his friend, but a lot of names for her have went through me head recently.
Call her whatever you like.
She had some sort of sexual relationship with my then fiance. She has remained in my H's life since then. She was brought into mine properly 6 years ago without me knowing their previous history. Whether she has or has not had full sex again or ever with my H is a side note because it is quite obvious in our marriage she is the other woman. H is reluctant to not have her in his life, to some that is an emotional affair to others it may not be. Everyone can have their own opinion of that fine. For the purposes of me communicating with people on this she is OW. Why you have such a strong opinion on it is just odd. You seem to have an issue with me and my situation, i don't know why, so just leave me alone.

OP posts:
doggydaydream · 30/03/2022 16:49

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Hertsgirl10 · 30/03/2022 16:57

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Original poster
Sazdun · 30/03/2022 16:58

@Hertsgirl10 @doggydaydream I have reported both of you.
I am receiving support from some absolutely wonderful, caring people here, who have been so generous in sharing their own experiences and giving me their time. There has been tough love and lots of rambling from me but they have made this tike so much more bearable. I don't want this thread clogged up with your nonsense and those people having to defend me. The only person I want called an arsehole on here is H and OW so please just go away. I have spoken to people at MN they know I am not making anything up. If you want to think that fine, both of you set up your own wee thread about how you are the Holmes and Watson of MN challenging us apparent liars.

OP posts:
doggydaydream · 30/03/2022 16:59

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Sazdun · 30/03/2022 17:01

@Hertsgirl10 I don't have the time to @ every reply I even said last night I wish I had the time and energy too but I don't but they know I appreciate the time they spent contacting me even if I do not necessarily agree with what they have said

OP posts:
Original poster
Sazdun · 30/03/2022 17:07

@Mix56 he has offered as he is normally off Tues and Wed.I should have had him take her today but have been quitebstubborn and wanted it to seem like i could do it without him, to him at least I have asked him to take them on Fri night and Sat. Friend has very kindly offered to take me to her mum's static caravan, i think she feels guilty for not telling me. Thing is that he will then be back in the house and our bedroom. Not sure what to think

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 30/03/2022 17:11

@Hertsgirl10 you are so sad

Original poster
Sazdun · 30/03/2022 17:13

@pusspuss9 that is horrible. I am so sorry for you and your daughter, making a child have to lie to their mum is just horrendous and so traumatic for their wee heads. I was that child growing up and always knowing something I couldn't tell my mum, I think it also helped ruin the relationship I have with my mum dad and sister because we all have to keep out own lies. I'm glad things are better and I hope your d is doing okay to.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 30/03/2022 17:14

OP, I wouldn't bother replying to these idiots. It is really sad for them, but doesn't mean they have the right to your attention. If you ignore them, they'll probably get bored and go pick on someone else.

beastlyslumber · 30/03/2022 17:16

Is there anywhere else your H could have the kids? So you don't have to have him in the house? Your friend's offer is kind but maybe it would be better for her to stay with you and the kids a couple of nights and give some support?

Hertsgirl10 · 30/03/2022 17:17

@beastlyslumber

Says you 😅 nothing I said is offensive so dunno why you’re getting your knickers in a twist for.

Original poster
Sazdun · 30/03/2022 17:24

@beastlyslumber the only other solution I thought of is asking friend if girls and OH could stay at hers. H can see his cousin and friends youngest is same age as D so they will keep each other occupied. Is it a but cheeky though asking for all three of them to stay? Only thing is baby daughter screams blue murder when you first stick her in travel cot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sazdun · 30/03/2022 17:26

Also can some one please advise I keep going to type my girl's names when I write things what is the shorthand for two different daughters ? OD for older and BD for baby? Whenever I refer to the younger one as baby I feel ridiculous.

OP posts:
CheshireCats · 30/03/2022 17:27

@Sazdun DD1 and DD2

MsDogLady · 30/03/2022 17:28

Sazdun, I think I’d insist that he sleep on the sofa or DD’s room like before. His staying in your room/bed would likely muddy the waters and breach the distance you need to process all this.