And the bathtime message wasn't a whole lot better, despite taking days to craft something to send you. I'm so sad for you.
He is doing you a favour though, hanging himself with every word. Let him show himself, without making any demands, and then decide if this is something you want to put the hard work into rebuilding - knowing a little more of who he is, and how he's happy to treat you.
Don't think you have to behave any way but who you are to ensure i love you.
- Great, so he'll still love you even if you're angry, not his happy smiley ballsy girl, don't ever forgive him, and if you get rid of his whisky collection in whatever way you see fit. Fabulous! Carry on OP!!
I should have told you but I was a coward and worried that I would lose you. My pride about not embarrassing my dad and mom and family if you cancelled the wedding was given priority over not being 100% honest with you.
- He wasn't even 1% honest with you! No confusion then. He knows he should have told you before you entered into marriage and building a life together - including bringing children into the world. But he did what he wanted, and lied to you to save face, much like he's doing now.
I don't want to lose it but now it relies on your forgiveness. Don't give up on us.
- in part, yes it does rely on your forgiveness, but it also relies on him finding his balls and learning to be a man for you and your girls. You have every right to walk away. He can beg, plead and grovel, but this is phrased to you as an instruction.
The feelings for [OW] it isn't about wanting to have sex with her or hide her in plain sight and have an affair, it is just I liked having her in my life as a friend, someone else to talk to and she felt the same.
- but he cheated with her, and lied to you for your entire marriage. He doesn't get to make that choice!! Selfish, manipulative arse!! And he's utterly self absorbed to think you care about how she feels or felt!
We both know we messed up fooling around and still feel guilt, embarrassment and remorse for it.
- still with the 'we' when referring to himself and OW. That's insensitive at best. And so remorseful that he cultivated a friendship with her and brought her right into the heart of your family?
That has gone now, maybe that stupid mistake got.it out the way, I don't know but there is nothing there now.
- justifying cheating on you 3 weeks before your wedding day? So you should be grateful it happened?? Because it paved the way for a platonic friendship with her? He's SO self indulgent it's pathological.
Honestly. I think you also know her well enough, to know that isn't her either.
- I'm guessing you don't even feel like you know your H at the moment, let alone know her. Her own parents seem shocked by her behaviour and lies, so not even they know her that well it seems.
It was also inexcusable for me, when given the chance to be friends again, to have lied to her, to both of you, to believe the other knew and to allow you to become friends.
- It's sickening that he puts his betrayal to her first there, before the ENORMOUS betrayal to his wife and mother of his children! She's only still in his sentence because he's utterly self absorbed and wallowing in his own self pity. And let's not forget, this is the friendship he deliberately created so you wouldn't suspect anything, because he likes having her in his life, and that he justified to you on Saturday.
I have destroyed the trust and respect of my partner in life and a friend and likely lost your trust if not more in the process.
- I will say here that I read this as YOU are the friend he's referring to here, not the OW.
She is a friend, she is not there to be an add on to you or give me something you don't, she is a friend who I like having in my life. Our dynamic is unusual I give you that and one I find hard to articulate the easiest way is just to say she is someone I wanted to have in my life. I know now that hurt you. I'm sorry it was not meant to undermine you. It is strange making a close friend as an adult and to have that sort of easy friendship especially one with the other sex is not what i would have expected for myself. Ofcourse I have feelings of love, concern, loyalty towards her the way I do with all my friends. Maybe because she is a woman I act on them differently and help her out more at times but she doesn't rank above you or any such nonsense.
- but then he's back to justifying their friendship, even though he now knows it's hurting you, and destroyed your trust in him.
As for the wedding. I do not know why I felt the way I did. I don't know what caused it but I don't think it is me now being upset she is married or wanting her to not get married and be with me.
- 'I don't think' not a firm reassuring 'it wasn't'. So he's still not sure..?
The dance was just a dance there was nothing behind it but I understand by that point why you might have been seeing things that weren't there.
- he's still not even sure what his feeling are. He doesn't think he was upset because she didn't marry him. But he's trying to make you question your instincts again - like he has been throughout this whole friendship. Trust yourself!
I'm not purposefully trying to hurt you. I just care about her and want her to be happy and looked after. It doesn't mean I think I should be the person doing that.
- whether it's intentional or not, he knows now that it hurts you. But instead of doing whatever it takes to try and make this work, and not hurt you, he's justifying his friendship with her, again. And again, the fact he thinks you'll care if he wants her to be happy and looked after - more self absorbed twattery.
I wish I could go back and change time but I can't and have to live with the decisions I made.
- THIS!!!!!!!! He can, right now, make a different decision. The right decision! He hasn't done it yet though. He's still trying to cling to having it all. You, his girls, and his h so meaningful, loving friendship with her! There are no words. He will live with the consequences of his decisions though, and sadly, so will you. Whatever you decide.
I want her like the rest of them in my life but I know why moving forward that may now not happen. My hesitancy to do this and why the thought of it hurts me so much, is something I need to work through.
- May now not happen??? It's still a question for him, and he's still hesitant. The fact that he's still pouring out to you about how much it would hurt him to have to part ways with her is totally disrespectful and self indulgent. Can you really respect a man who has put you through this, and then crying on your shoulder about his pain at giving her up?
This is solely on me.
- yes it is. The whole thing is on him. Including any fallout, and future decisions you make about your family and marriage.
I truly am sorry he's being such a self centred sh*t OP, but please see past the heart string pulling, take your time with all this. 