Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

@Sazdun

Wow a lot of information to process from everyone. Thank you though. Not sure what I think or what I do. Just want it all to go away. I know that isn't an option. Was due to get hair cut today but can't face sitting staring at my face for three hours but at the same time want a haircut, also difficult as i have baby when normally I would have left with H. Burst into tears at not being able to make a decision and now I will have to pay 50% if I don't go for cancellation. So inconsequential but the stupid things are setting me off.

Call the salon, it’s a Wednesday during the day so not busy and if you let them knowing your having a really tough time and can’t find a babysitter for baby I am sure they will let you take her along. I think getting a haircut and a little pamper will be good for you.

Wow if I were his friend I'd advise him to stop writing you these letters. Every single one just paints him in a worst light than before.

His latest letter is still all me me me and how distressed he is over the thought of losing OW from his life. What about you? What is he going to do to save your marriage?

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Please take your time to decide what to do, you don't have to make a decision right away.

@Sazdun your H can still keep baby whilst you get your hair cut?

I think go and get your hair done, a little bit of pampering sounds good.

If you reply to him, I think you need to make it clear that it's not OK to keep looping in OW as part of the explanation/apology/justification.

If he wants you, and his family, and all that he claims to value... he needs to win you back. How does he propose to do that, exactly? So far, he's talking as much about the OW as he is about you, with no mention of what he's willing to do to rebuild.

OP, I would reply to his message with:
“Empty words.
No where have you said how you are going to fight for us!
Imagine the situation was reversed, imagine IF there was another man who I worked with and something happened before our wedding and everyone knew but you didn’t and then I bring this man into our lives and make you be friends with him. Go over to see him while you are at home with the kids. Then cry at his wedding and tell you I love him but I don’t know in what way. Tell me how would you feel?
Now excuse me while I go back to raising our children. I can’t even get my hair done because of you. Because I pick up the pieces while you sit there thinking only about yourself.
What will you tell your daughters in years to come? Will you tell them what a terrible husband you’ve been? And how much you’ve let their mother down? Will you wonder if they will choose as selfish a man as you?”

What @kaleidoscope123 said... If you call the salon and explain, they might reschedule or be okay with you taking the baby long. You deserve some pampering.

OP I would also message your best friend and say to her “I need you to be as angry as you were 8 years ago, because I’m struggling”

Let her know that you need her and the rest of the women to rally around you.

Cutting out OW has to come from him, he has to know its what is needed, & commit to it, if not its worthless

I think this level of disloyalty from every single one of my extended family and friendship group would drive me around the fucking bend so I have to applaud you OP for making it through the day and still managing to look after your little girls.

I can’t get over the fact that in the midst of the world salad he actually says he couldn’t bear to cancel or postpone the wedding and embarrass his family..? Sorry what? No mention of you, his bride, who he’s been unfaithful to and who deserves better? But god forbid his family should be upset 🤦🏻‍♀️ He didn’t give a fuck about your feelings then and 8 years later, what’s changed? It’s sickening.

The big essay comment with his latest message to you, made me wonder why he is still protecting her and not you.

Any man right now who is genuinely sorry for their behaviour, would have dropped their ‘friend’ and would be trying their hardest to move forward. Instead, he’s protecting her by asking you to not be angry with her.

Also this

‘ I can’t get over the fact that in the midst of the world salad he actually says he couldn’t bear to cancel or postpone the wedding and embarrass his family..? Sorry what? No mention of you, his bride, who he’s been unfaithful to and who deserves better? But god forbid his family should be upset 🤦🏻‍♀️ He didn’t give a fuck about your feelings then and 8 years later, what’s changed? It’s sickening.’

You’re not at the front of this at all. He is a scumbag.

Wish I could give you a big hug! So I’m sending a virtual one! Can feel the hurt in everyone of your posts, I’m sooo angry on your behalf love as I would imagine most of the people posting are feeling! Wish I could take the pain away for you love! Take each hour as it comes, it feels as if it’s one of my own daughters going through it. Please please keep posting if it helps you love, the more support you get in any way you can I feel will help a little , I don’t want you to feel alone in this x

Hope you made it to your appointment, OP. Hairdressers can be good people to talk to about this sort of thing, tbh!

Agree with @beastlyslumber

As others have said, his message is a load of old naval gazing drivel aimed at manipulating you back into line. A few lines that stuck out to me:

I love you and no thinking for a moment it has ever been otherwise.

Apart from the time he performed oral sex on another woman and all the times he kissed her. It wasn't you he was loving in those moments.

I should have told you but I was a coward and worried that I would lose you.

No, he was worried about losing her. Still is.

I am paying for being a wanker putting my short term desire above being a good man. The man I am and the man you married and have loved all these years.

The man you have loved all these years isn't a good man. He's a liar and a cheat. That doesn't change just because he's successfully managed to pull the wool over your eyes for all these years.

Marrying you, having the girls with you, building a life with you I have never ever regretted not once.

Apart from that moment when he saw her walking down the aisle to marry someone else and his carefully crafted mask slipped.

I love my life with my three girls and I don't want to lose it but now it relies on your forgiveness. Don't give up on us.

IE it'll be your fault for breaking up the family.

Honestly. I think you also know her well enough, to know that isn't her either.

Aw bless, defending her honour to the last. What a saint.

Lady Grayson has hit the nail on the head op

That essay sounds really manipulative and thinking back to her reply, it's written in exactly the same way. Like the same person wrote it all. I find that strange.

I would say to him that a condition of you getting back together would be she is no longer a part of your lives. Not his life, your children's lives and if he doesn't want to commit to that then he's made his priority clear.

Posted too soon.
I suspect he will absolutely refuse and that will tell you everything.

I too think his draft has seen the rounds, he was working on it for days when really it tells you nothing new so I think the delay was the proof reading. It sounds like gas lighting from both of them together to gang up on you and force your forgiveness. They don’t care if you could actually forgive them or you are hurting they care about how they look to their friends and family. I suspect OWs mum will have gone to town on her and this is them both trying to save face. I actually cannot believe it.

Please please please don’t feel trapped into giving in. There are alternatives. But really he needs to show his actions. Others are probably right that you should put it on him to provide the solution rather than clearly setting out you don’t want any contact with OW. You need him to put it on the table.

I find it odd that he has taken the key to her house, is that so you can’t go round there. Is he still protecting her that way too?

@GrimDamnFanjo

Just read his message. He thinks he will get away with this. He is hiding behind "not understanding his feelings."

I suggest counselling. He's not showing any self awareness here. If you are going to work this out you'll need to have some external support. Alternatively it will help you to break up cleanly.

I'm so cross reading his excuses.

so true especially with "not understanding his feelings." garbage.

He had an EA/PA pre-marriage, and later restarted an emotional affair with OW under her terms, conducting it in your orbit and creating space to act on their deepening intimacy. They’ve had the best of both worlds. H enjoyed his marriage/family, and OW basked in the validating glow of your family and friends. Both of them have been hugely gratified by their emotional bond, sexual frisson, KISA/Damsel dynamic, and flirty, intimate banter. They will fight giving it up.

so true.

truthfully I think he’s probably hedging his bets, hoping that he’s spoiled OWs honeymoon and marriage. Thinking she might come running to him as a singleton. I find it suspect this all came out whilst she was on honeymoon. I guess he just assumed she’d come to her senses prior to the wedding and realise that he is her #1 and not this other guy that everyone seems to hate
Funnily enough her husband seems much more honest than her and your husband are.
Wouldn’t surprise me if you don’t get any actual action plans in place from him until she makes it clear that she’s not interested. From his/her remarks they fell out after their affair because she was mad at him, he never claims that he avoided her.

None of this is about what he is going to do to try and rectify this (if he can of course). It’s all down to you. For you to forgive him. For you not to give up. That way he can play the victim if you do separate. Look how he tried. Poor man asked for forgiveness and was rejected. 🙄

@SummerWhisper

In everything he has written, all you need to pay attention to is this paragraph:

I want her like the rest of them in my life but I know why moving forward that may now not happen. My hesitancy to do this and why the thought of it hurts me so much, is something I need to work through

Let those words stand out: I want her in my life.

He is not in the right place now to receive an ultimatum. You should only consider taking him back when his words change to "I only want you in my life."

so true.

Have been thinking of the particular low blows in last text

Invoking smiley babies looking like smiley you (implied message - get smiling and don’t you make babies unhappy)

Saying he wasn’t wanting to have an affair with her and then hide her in plain sight when in fact that’s exactly what he has done. Ok you were engaged to be married rather than married but that makes fuck all difference. OW said it fizzled out in weeks so an affair.

Now claiming he wasn’t upset at wedding because he loves her/wants to be with her but because he cares about her as a friend and wants her to “be looked after”. Why? I don’t want my friends to be looked after. I want them to live how they want to. She’s not his niece or something. Even then it would be paternalistic crap. It’s like he’s talking about a concubine.