Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

[Sazdun]

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

@MotherofTerriers
"He’s writing as if he’s living an a tragic romantic novel, when in reality he’d fit in nicely on the Jeremy Kyle show" - laughing my socks off at this

@Sazdun
His message - still all about him/her first....putting it all on you to come to terms and accept this inconvenient 'missunderstanding' as his mum so quaintly refers to it. He needs to be told this is how it reads and to come back to you when he gets this and starts putting you centre stage instead of sending you pity party laments and excuses.

I get you don't want to end your marriage, break up your family etc - BUT he needs to understand unequivocally that OW, her OH and parents have absolutely no place in your lives from now on and he needs to be the one to tell YOU how he is going to put this in place and enforce it to protect what should be his only focus in life from now on - you, his marriage and family. Yes he does need to change his job, friend set, gym etc and go totally no contact with her. Not to merely placate you but because it is the decent and only moral thing to do to move forward succesfully. It should not be on you to insist this because if your OH doesn't readily offer up a suitable solution then he really is a sad tosser and you are best moving on. No other woman would accept their husband's OW being in their life, so why the hell should you be expected to??

Try and view it as a business negotiation. You hold the balance of power (yes, you do!) to come to an acceptable solution on your terms. Lay those terms out and make clear what you will accept moving forward. Play hard ball or this charmer will continue to emotionally blackmail, minimise and manipulate you and leaving you resentful and shortchanged.

@sazdun I can see that lots of posters are giving you advice. I just wanted to give a hand hold. I'm 8 months down the line of a separation. My exdp cheated on me with a woman but was also speaking to men and looking into cross dressing etc (so a bit different to your situation). I found out and an absolute bomb went off in our lives. Anyhow I can say looking back that initially I was numb, it was as though someone or something had died. I was so bloody angry too. I wanted revenge. I wanted to smash up the house. I wanted to sleep and never wake up. Imagije life as a compelled puzzle- the peices blew up in the air and some got lost and others landed in completely different places. I started to do practical things- consulted a solicitor, conversations with exdp via email (or in person and summaries sent in email), went to bank and began separating finances, sought advice from mortgage broker, ensured he was no longer listed NOK with work and GP etc. These steps really helped, it gave me something tangible to hold onto when I was basically drowning. I have a 1 and 3 yr old and I remember feeling as if I was fully submerged under water and each arm was just above holding each kid above the waves. Not sure if that makes sense. But now I'm swimming- it's still hard and I'm knackered but I'm free. I've had counselling and need more. I'm grieving what I thought I had (a lie) and the life I had planned to give my kids. The only positive is that when all the lies came to light the love just turned off it was as if he had irrevocably broken something. So I never had the urge to stay or try to make things work- which I think was easier in some ways.

Anyway I wanted to say I'm surviving and even enjoying life at times. Every day gets easier. It's hard but whatever happens you will get through this- to begin with its 1 minute at a time then 1 hr etc. Please feel free to private message if you ever need a hand hold from someone who has recently been in a similar place.

@Grimsknee

The opening of that gross message made me feel a bit sick OP. The "you never fail to smile... you make the best of everything... " is a subtle message that your sadness and anger about this are unacceptable... He wishes you would just give a "smiling capiche" about this just like when you get mad at him over the dog towel or the dishwasher. But if you MUST get angry (reminder: he likes the smiley ballsy girl, not the angry woman), he knows how to perform. He knows to say how much he hates himself, how he would kill anyone who treated you the way he's treated you. How confused he is and he doesn't understand ANY of it.. .so how could he POSSIBLY explain it to you? All he knows is that he doesn't want to lose you, so you can't give up on the marriage. Actually it's easy really, all you need to do is forgive him (oh - and while you're at it, give us a smile - there, that's better! That's my girl!), he doesn't need to do anything except tell you that he's sorry and maybe go to counselling to revel in his unique, special, irresistible feelings about OW, and it's all good.

Extra gross points for invoking his dead grandmother.

It's REALLY telling that you said this OP: " I know I have spent years being the cool gf/ wife and being smiley and jokey when I have sometimes been annoyed or not happy because I wanted to not lose him to someone else if I nag or go on. Over time i became that person it is no longer an act. It has happened less since I had my daughter's because I just did not have the energy to be so easy going but I now think if I had been 100% me from the start would we have lasted."

He's telling you as much - smile about this, be ballsy about this, tell him all is forgiven, and he can go on as he was without any disruption to his nice life.

(Are you the OP that poured his whiskey collection down the sink? If so, kudos... If not, does he collect whiskey?)

I’m not sure here what you think ballsy means! Nothing to do with doormat, people pleaser etc which is what your interpretation sounds like to me. I’m sure these are all genuine features he loves about the op. However he is very much still planning to have his cake and eat it too. Op, you need to think about what you can and what you can’t accept in your life going forward. If you could relocate everyone except ow and her Dh to far far away, would you want that life with your ‘d’h? If you have to stay in the same town as her is that a dealbreaker? Do you want to ever see her parents again? I know you say he’s tied to his job but forget that- if he weren’t would you expect him ti put his notice in tomorrow?

That message was completely gross. I agree with Grimsknee that it is incredibly manipulative.

OP he has been gaslighting, lying, manipulating and emotionally abusing you for your whole relationship. You have taught yourself to never show your true emotions, to always smile and make everything okay. That's not love. That's emotional abuse.

I think because your mum is so cold and rejecting, you probably have quite a deep abandonment wound, and so you've done everything possible to try to make your H love you and not leave. You've compromised and let things go and been the bigger person and stuffed your own feelings down and done things his way.

Of course he thinks you're going to forgive him. He just needs to pay you a few compliments and you'll forget the decade of lies and cheating.

Here's what his text should have said: "I will never see or speak to OW again."

The fact that he couldn't even do that, that he's telling you of his hurt and sadness about having to lose his affair partner from his life... it's just so disgusting. He's a lying, manipulative, gaslighting bastard and you deserve so, so, so much better.

I'm afraid I agree with everyone else. That letter says nothing really behind the emotional tugging. He clearly wants you to just forgive and carry on as it was.
My response to such would be along the lines of: I don't need nostalgia or a history lesson, I want to know what YOU plan to do to fix this from this point onwards'.
It cuts out the fluff and will give him the full opportunity to state he will cut OW out completely, something he has yet to offer. If you demand it of him he can be the poor husband losing his friend to her and keep her inside.

Yes, good point. It has to come from him. If you demand he cuts OW out, he will claim the upper hand - "I did this for you," "I've made this massive sacrifice," "It was so hard, but I did it to save our marriage," etc. He will use it to make you think he is a great guy. He is a slimeball.

He is asking you not to judge or be angry with her when he should be saying.
"I will do anything^^ to fix this, i pledge to remove her from our lives."
You have had to live with self doubt & to watch this woman in your home making you become someone else so as to not be the jealous wife.

Next he will be saying, "we cant cut her out, she is so special & our DD adores the ground she walks on. She cant have children it would break her."

Its not your problem. You owe her nothing

@Sazdun of course you shouldn't have to issue a ultimate as it should come from him. However are you scared to issue one because you are not confident he will pick you?

What I read from that is he feels his super wonderful very special deep relationship with her is so unique and unusual that somehow ( ! ) due to the bond they have , her gave to oral sex .
I wonder if his gives all his best friends oral sex ! More personal that a hand shake I guess .

You know the whole actions speak louder than words thing? Look at his non-actions vs his word salad. And even in that dirge of a text it's all him-him-him and a bit of how wonderful she is. There's no promise to never have any contact with her again - just an ask that you'll not give up on him.

I think seeing a counsellor would help get your head around what you want next. You've been lied to your entire married life - and not just by your husband but by every one around you. You must be reeling. He's never been on your team. Could he ever be? Would you still want that?

@timeisnotaline Yeah I know that "ballsy" means the opposite of a doormat. What I was getting at is that his implied message to OP is "I love you because you're a smiley, ballsy girl [UGH] who doesn't inconvenience me with emotional demands, so could you just please be ballsy about how upset you are, deal with it yourself the way you always have, and get over this incident the way you get over me doing stupid stuff with the dishwasher?".

Firstly, I'm so sorry he's put you in this position, knowing what your little family unit means to you, and how desperately you'd never want to put your children through what you went through. That's one of the most heartbreaking parts of this whole sh*t show, and one I'd personally find hardest to forgive.

Very sadly, his message reads as more self indulgent twaddle. The first half is designed to tug at your heart strings and soften you up. The second half is him wittering on about how much it'll hurt him to leave the OW.

If you want to stay in the marriage, then I agree with PPs who say the actions now have to come from him. Not in response to an ultimatum from you. That will be the answers you're looking for - in his actions .

If you want to know who somebody is, watch what they do, don't listen to what they say.

If you stay, you need to build the trust back up somehow, and how can you possibly start to do that if he doesn't willingly choose to do everything he possibly can to show you how much you mean to him?

If he doesn't, you'll always be wondering what he really wanted, what he really felt or feels, just like you are now. And that, presumably, is why you want to know if he's messaging with the OW? Because you're trying to work out where you stand. You'll never know unless he makes it very clear by showing you. And he hasn't shown that yet.. Except that he still hopes he can keep her friendship, and you and your girls.

He needs to walk across hot coals for you and your girls now!

And you may well find that however much you're longing for what you had, that's because you're mourning what no longer exists. And there might be nothing he can do to repair this.

It'll come down to what you want, which is complicated, multifaceted, and will keep changing as you transform over the course of all this. Until the dust settles..

Good Lord, he really is a piece of work, isn't he? He still wants her in his life?!! Get tae fuck wi' that!!!
If you have a stone in your shoe hurting you, you take it out and chuck it. NOT put it in the other shoe because 'it's a really pretty stone'. OW is that stone, and he needs to chuck it. He really is being narcissistic here, like others have said he wants his cake and eat it. Well, he can't.
Thinking of you, OP.

I love my life with my three girls and I don't want to lose it but now it relies on your forgiveness. Don't give up on us.

This is such a fucking load of bollocks. He’s essentially saying if you split permanently it’s your fault because you’ve given up. I bet you loved your life too before you discovered you’d been living a lie for all those years.

He’s just shifting it all on to you. None of what he’s written is about how he’s going to take responsibility and what’s he’s going to do to from now on to repair the damage. Is he offering to take the kids off you for a bit? Be a Dad? Give up contact with OW? No of course not. It just involves flowery, bollocky self absorbed texts. What’s he actually doing?

Take time and space. Don’t let him pressure you into deciding anything.

It reads as if he just wants to brush the whole thing under the carpet and carry on as normal.

I think my reply would be along the following lines...

"You keep reiterating that you're tortured by the thought of losing her as a friend. If you maintain your friendship with her then our relationship is 100% over. So you can choose between trying to save our marriage and living with 'your girls'... or keeping your friendship with her and sharing custody. This shouldn't be a Sophie's choice situation. It should be a really fucking easy decision. And the fact it's not one you've proactively made already tells me all I need to know really, doesn't it?"

And tbh regardless of his reply it would be over if I was you. Because he's a liar. He has lied to everyone. For years. Over and over again. And he's incredibly manipulative. A manipulative, accomplished liar isn't someone I believe it's possible to have a healthy relationship with.

He is not prioritising his relationship with you over his relationship with his 'friend'. Note his actions, not his words. His actions speak volumes. He is distressed at the thought of losing OW. Huh? It should be a no brainer. You should not have to point this out to someone. You should not have to ask him to have no contact with her. He will likely ask at some stage if that's what you want. Again, it has to be your choice to take his favourite toy away. I was in a similar situation, and he cut all contact with OW briefly. He then pined and grieved for her for weeks and was short tempered. They eventually ended up back in contact anyway. It was unbearable and I wish I'd ended things sooner. My parents too had divorced and it was something I had said I wouldn't do. I think he played on this, thinking I wouldn't have a breaking point and would accept anything. I did not realise until quite some time after we separated how much he had chipped away at my confidence over the years and made me feel grateful for the scraps he offered. You deserve to be his priority.

OP I just wanted to send you support and say that I've been thinking about you.

This whole situation is truly shocking and i can't express the depths of my contempt for your H (and OW), especially after reading those messages. Normal affairs are terrible things but what they have done to you - weaving their betrayal throughout the entire fabric of your life for years (through your children, your friends, your family, your financial security, income and home) is absolutely disgusting. Not a strong enough word, but I can't find one.

Now he's sending you droopy messages about how much OW means to him? He can FUCK OFF. I'm so angry on your behalf.

He reminds me in tone of a horrendous blog I read years ago about a man who cheated on his wife repeatedly while she was pregnant and miscarrying that he'd woven into what he clearly thought was some deep story about the meaning of life with him as the tragic hero rather than the grubby little "sad boner" tale it actually was.

The parody written by a hilarious powerhouse of a woman did make me laugh like a drain, though. It's here if you'd like to see how most people will view your husband's self-regarding twaddle and hopefully have at least a little smile:
medium.com/@alexandraerin/infidelity-will-be-the-death-of-my-marriage-1020720676ef

I'll be thinking of you.

A couple of things really stand out in his message.

1. That even though he's referenced his feelings for you, he has spent a larger portion talking about her. Again.

1. He's making it all your decision. It's all on your shoulders. You will be the one who wrecks the marriage if you don't forgive. He's already wrecked it!!!

Honestly, it's so manupulative. I don't imagine for a second that he wants to lose the life he had, but that seems to include keeping her in it too. The first thing he should have said is that he'd walk away from the relationship he has with her. But no, his messages are all about maintaining his relationship with her. Oh, and you too. Your reply should go along the lines of asking him what he intends to do to fix the mess that he made.

Try Chumplady;

www.chumplady.com/2014/08/cheater-word-salad-2/

Can you set up a gofundme or something to buy your daughter a new coat and bag? I’ll happily donate. The thought of that womens stuff on your child’s back is genuinely upsetting me! She’s a magpie looking to steal your eggs!
On another note, he won’t admit that the love he feels for her is anything but platonic because he’s scared you’ll tell everyone, and then she’ll knock him back (she’ll try and save her marriage, she won’t be able to take the social stigma of two of them being a pariah couple) and he’ll be left with nothing.

He's a cheeky chuffer isn't he? I've read all this thread and all the previous one. I can't believe what I am reading. Knowing what I know now about relationships I wouldn't want to save anything with him.

Tell him to just get out
Nothing left to talk about
Pack his raincoat show him out
Just look him in the eye and simply shout
Enough is enough
I can't go on, I can't go on no more, no
Enough is enough
I want him out, I want him out that door now

I’ve been following your threads Sazdun ! Trying to put myself in your shoes, my heart goes out to you! The lengthy letter he wrote made me squirm , what a load of batshit! He has no intention of cutting the ow out of his life love! He’s making it all about himself! Giving you the babe etc etc! Trying to get round you! Honest to god so cringe! I’m an old timer been with my husband 40 years! I smell a rat the rat is him! You are far superior in every way to this idiot! And he knows it he’s playing you like a fool! He’s not going to change he’s gaslighting you! I would bet she’s proofing his replies to you! I realise you are very hurt and your world has collapsed but Sazdun he’s not putting you first at all please realise this, he’s wanting to to make himself the victim!

Wow a lot of information to process from everyone. Thank you though. Not sure what I think or what I do. Just want it all to go away. I know that isn't an option. Was due to get hair cut today but can't face sitting staring at my face for three hours but at the same time want a haircut, also difficult as i have baby when normally I would have left with H. Burst into tears at not being able to make a decision and now I will have to pay 50% if I don't go for cancellation. So inconsequential but the stupid things are setting me off.

I get that you don’t want to simply walk away from your marriage at this point, though you must accept that the “failure” would all be on him - not you.

Write down a list of your terms under which you would consider working things through. Number 1 would be to cease all contact with OW immediately and without exception. He needs to accept that you will check his phone, emails, etc for a long time until he can earn your trust back.

What else he needs to do (such as agreeing to counselling, living apart for a trial period while he implements No 1 so you know if you trust him, informing everyone that he’s lied about you knowing what had happened, etc) is up to you.

@CaveMum

I get that you don’t want to simply walk away from your marriage at this point, though you must accept that the “failure” would all be on him - not you.

Write down a list of your terms under which you would consider working things through. Number 1 would be to cease all contact with OW immediately and without exception. He needs to accept that you will check his phone, emails, etc for a long time until he can earn your trust back.

What else he needs to do (such as agreeing to counselling, living apart for a trial period while he implements No 1 so you know if you trust him, informing everyone that he’s lied about you knowing what had happened, etc) is up to you.

But then he will start sulking, whining and blaming the OP for not having a normal life.

I saw a thread on here from a bloke who wouldn't trust his wife after a three month fling. Another from a woman who had an affair and said husband was checking phone and messages. She was told the husband was out of order.

I can't see how this lousy arse can redeem himself at all.